Planet Earth unseen footage

EXT. JUNGLE. DAY

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
And here, in the magnificent heat of the amazon rainforest, we see one of nature's most incredible creatures... the gorilla.

A MAN IN A REALLY TATTY GORILLA COSTUME WALKS INTO FRAME IN THE BACK GROUND AND STANDS THERE MOTIONLESS, STARING AT THE CAMERA

D.A:
See how he moves, silently, majestically, through the undergrowth.

THE GORILLA SCRATCHES HIS ARSE

D.A:
One of the gorilla's most amazing traits is it's ability to use nature as it's tools, and to survive on it's surroundings.

THE GORILLA STARTS LIGHTING UP A CIGARETTE

D.A:
I'm going to see if I can get in any closer, to truly appreciate this wondrous beast.

D.A. APPROACHES GORILLA. GORILLA STOPS TRYING TO LIGHT CIGARETTE AND LOOKS UP. D.A. STOPS. GORILLA STARTS TRYING TO LIGHT UP AGAIN, NOT WORKING, HE SHAKES THE LIGHTER AND TRIES AGAIN. D.A. CONTINUES HIS APPROACH. GORILLA STOPS AGAIN AND LOOKS UP. HE REMOVES THE CIGGIE FROM HIS MOUTH

GORILLA:
What the hell do you want?

D.A:
We must be careful at this point. There might be baby gorillas near by, so we don't want to make him think that we are invading his territory.

GORILLA:
I'm talking to you granddad. Don't ignore me!

D.A:
I'm sensing that the gorilla is not taking our presence too well, so I think we should move away.

D.A. STARTS BACKING UP

GORILLA:
Yeah, that's right. You run away. Wanker.

D.A:
These really are incredible animals, it's easy to believe that we evolved from them.

GORILLA:
Wha'choo say?

GORILLA STARTS WALKING TOWARADS D.A.

GORILLA:
You saying I'm stupid? Is that it? Huh? Are you saying I'm a stupid gorilla, oooh, look at the gorilla with his bald arse and pointy head, is that what your saying, huh?

D.A:
Guys, I think we should move away now. Quickly.

D.A. MOVES AWAY BUT GORILLA IS CATCHING UP

GORILLA:
You think you're better than me 'cos you're not covered head to toe in fur, and cos you have proper feet? Is that it? Huh? You want some do you? You want some?

GORILLA CATCHES UP TO D.A. AND STARTS PUSHING HIM

GORILLA:
You're not a big man now, are you? Not king of the food chain any more, huh?

GORILLA PUSHES D.A. TO THE FLOOR AND STARTS KICKING HIM

GORILLA:
You're not my oppressor with your fancy clothes and your cutlery, you're just a punk. Hows your ability to walk on your hind legs treating you now huh?

GORILLA GIVES D.A. ONE LAST KICK AND WALKS BACK AGAIN, OCCASIONALLY LOOKING OVER HIS SHOULDER

GORILLA:
You stay down punk, you stay down. Yeah. You stay down.

D.A. LIFTS HIMSELF UP A BIT

D.A:
So we can see that one of the evolutionary features of man has been the ability to control our anger and live humanly, not to let our basic animal instincts take over.

GORILLA:
Oh no. You did not just say that. Uh uh.

GORILLA TURNS AROUND AND STARTS RUNNING TOWARDS D.A.

D.A:
Good night folks.

END

I think that's got potential, but you need to flesh it a bit I feel. Maybe if you really push the boat out with these speaking gorillas - maybe old Dave stumbles upon a family of them, you've got a female gorilla trying to calm down her mate like a pisshead's missus at a pub brawl. "Leave it Paul!"

Quote: andyroo @ August 10 2009, 9:41 PM BST

GORILLA:
You saying I'm stupid? Is that it? Huh? Are you saying I'm a stupid gorilla, oooh, look at the gorilla with his bald arse and pointy head...

View original

I think gorillas tend to have hirsute hindquarters. It's the baboons that have the bald buttocks.

Since we're going for fact-checking...

Quote: andyroo @ August 10 2009, 9:41 PM BST

D.A:
These really are incredible animals, it's easy to believe that we evolved from them.

View original

Dave would never say this.

Quote: Egregious @ August 11 2009, 9:51 AM BST

I think that's got potential, but you need to flesh it a bit I feel. Maybe if you really push the boat out with these speaking gorillas - maybe old Dave stumbles upon a family of them, you've got a female gorilla trying to calm down her mate like a pisshead's missus at a pub brawl. "Leave it Paul!"

View original

Thanks chaps. I had this sketch in mind to be the first of a few, here Dave would interrupt a group in a card game, or stumble across a pissed one. Or something along those lines.

Kevin? Why would Dave never say that? Is he Buddhist?

I quite like it; it's well-written and made me laugh.

Love the missus idea. Like the whole gorilla chav family premise altogether to be honest.

Dan

Quote: andyroo @ August 11 2009, 11:52 AM BST

Kevin? Why would Dave never say that? Is he Buddhist?

View original

I don't think he, or anyone, believes humans evolved from gorillas. He might say something like "Hard to believe we share a common ancestor" or something.

I like the idea of a Buddhist naturalist though. He might say "Hard to believe this penguin is actually my Uncle Ralph."

I think that's the best idea, go for him walking in on these very human activities as you've said you've planned for.

Maybe with this one though, and if you liked the idea of the sobbing guerilla missus, have the male one call Dave up on his general snooping into the private lives of his fellow animals. Might be an idea for an opening, rather than a simple "What do you want?" go for something along the lines of "Oh! Here he is! Don't think I haven't heard about you, you peeping bastard!". Maybe Dave and his crew put the shits up the guerilla's sister and her kids while the husband was off foraging, something stupid like that. Rather than the guerilla just taking offence to observations, make it more about the invasion into their private lives.

Thanks for the kind words and offerings of advice

It might also work if Dave comes across one on the john reading the paper, or a queue of them at a bus stop. Crazy.

>A MAN IN A REALLY TATTY GORILLA COSTUME WALKS INTO FRAME IN
>THE BACK GROUND AND STANDS THERE MOTIONLESS, STARING AT THE CAMERA

That doesn't work. The Gorilla has to be as real & like-like as possible for this sketch to work.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ August 11 2009, 12:28 PM BST

He might say "Hard to believe this penguin is actually my Uncle Ralph."

View original

That's a bit spooky Kevin. There's a news story on BBC this morning about a penguin called Ralph!

Quote: Geoff Mutton @ August 14 2009, 7:06 AM BST

That's a bit spooky Kevin. There's a news story on BBC this morning about a penguin called Ralph!

View original

Does he have a moustache and smoke a pipe?!!

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ August 14 2009, 10:24 AM BST

Does he have a moustache and smoke a pipe?!!

View original

Don't be stupid. Penguins smoke cigars.