Hi Guys any advice on what I'm doing wrong would be well recived, this is a sample from my recently rejected script, had small and breif feed back that didn't help me at all.
ON SCREEN TEXT: SATURDAY.
FADE UP:
EXT. GOLD FAMILY HOLIDAY PARK. 8:00AM.SATURDAY MORNING.
The Welsh flag blows in the wind next to a large billboard. An oversized image of a tanned, smiling MERV and SHEILA GOLD looms over the Gold Family Holiday Park,a sprawling mass of static caravans, a boating lake, a children's park and an entertainment complex, complete with a swimming pool and amusement arcade. The slogan on the sign reads " Make All Your Holidays Gold"
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EXT. RECEPTION. SATURDAY MORNING.
Guests ride past on quadra-cycles. A Rolls Royce pulls up, the number plate reads 'Star 1' the door opens, MICKEY
(50's,tanned, receding long blonde hair, Peter Stringfellow look-a-like)opens the door and surveys the park. He wears a Miami Vice-style white suit and sunglasses.
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EXT. CARAVAN PARK. SATURDAY MORNING.
A car, laden with luggage, pulls into a parking space.JEREMY (Late 30's, sensible hair, shirt tucked into shorts) gets out, opens the boot and takes out a small holdall. He stands in front of the car and looks around. Behind him his family. FAY ( Late 30's, mumsy, attractive) , ROSE ( older teenager, make up, large breasts) and WILLIAM ( younger teenager, geek, glasses) struggle to remove their luggage from the car, JEREMY squints as he tries to locate something, behind him FAY teeters underneath the weight of a large amount of luggage.
FAY ( Muffled)
Jeremy?
JEREMY
Not now Fay.
FAY wobbles and eventually falls over, JEREMY unaware, doesn't turn around.
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INT. RECEPTION. SATURDAY MORNING.
MICKEY, with fingers littered with sovereign rings and his shirt unbuttoned to reveal numerous chains around his neck, struts down the corridor, past the entertainment lounge. He lowers his glasses to study the framed photographs on the wall. They are mostly head shots of SHEILA GOLD, depicting her at different ages posing in a variety of sequined dresses, holding a microphone. MICKEY laughs and continues to strut.
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EXT. CARAVAN PARK. SATURDAY MORNING.
The family, laden with luggage and looking extremely unhappy, stare at JEREMY. JEREMY turns to face them.
JEREMY
Don't look at me like that, I'm not the one who booked a caravan the opposite side of the planet to its parking space. We have your wonderfully attentive Mother to thank for that.
FAY
Alright Jeremy, let's leave it now shall we, it's ok.
JEREMY
Well it's clearly not Fay! You didn't listen did you? You know, when I said be sure to book a caravan with a parking space, remember? Look over there.
They all look.
JEREMY
Do you see that tiny white dot on the horizon?, yes? That's our caravan. We'll be needing aid flown in before we get there.
JEREMY picks up his holdall and marches off.
FAY (enthusiastically)
Come on then you two, we're on holiday, yay!
FAY wanders off teetering. WILLIAM rolls his eyes at ROSE, they follow.
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INT. OFFICE. SATURDAY MORNING.
SHEILA (50's, glamorous) slams down a tray laden with cups and saucers on to MERV'S desk. MERV (50's, tanned) turns from the window to look at her.
MERV (Welsh accent)
Sheila my darling, will you please get over this?
SHEILA (Welsh accent)
How would you feel Merv?, you went behind my back!
MERV
As I've already explained, I didn't go behind your back, I couldn't find you, you were off buying a new bloody frock or something, now listen, do you trust me?
SHEILA
You know I do.
MERV
Well then, I built this place up with my own two hands, do you really think I'm going let somebody come and take it away from me, he's my brother for Christ's sake and he can't do anything without my say so, it was in our agreement.
SHEILA
Agreement? It's my park too!
The door bursts open and MICKEY walks in.
MICKEY (Welsh Accent)
Ta daa!
MERV
Mickey, you made it!
MICKEY
Merv! Course I did, would I let you down? Eh, you can never go too far...
MERV/MICKEY
With Mickey Star.
MICKEY
Come here you old bugger and give us a hug, hey Sheila love, look at you, no need for Viagra yet then Merv?
SHEILA
F**k off!
MICKEY
Hey, now, steady girl!
MERV
Sheila's a little bit upset about our arrangement.
SHEILA
I couldn't give two shiney shites about your five star parks, your flashy arsed clothes or your poncey made up name, it's as much my park as it is Merv's, I'll be watching you, every step of the f**king way!
MICKEY
Hey, hey, hey, Sheila love, It's me, it's Mickey, everything's gonna be fine. Told you both years ago to get your arses abroad and expand. Look at me now, I've invaded more countries than Hitler.
SHEILA
Yeah, but I bet that bastard had better accommodation.
MICKEY
Hey, I'm trying to get you out of the shit love.
SHEILA rolls her eyes.
MICKEY
Eh Merv, speaking of shit, I rang some of your competitors this morning, made a complaint about a miscellaneous turd caught in one of their wave machines, should have their punters flocking to you.
He leaves, SHEILA watches him go. She gives MERV a look and then storms out, MERV sighs.
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EXT. CARAVAN PARK. SATURDAY MORNING.
JEREMY marches yards ahead of his family, who continue to struggle with their luggage. A car turns and drives over the green.
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INT. THE CAR. SATURDAY MORNING.
Inside the car, music blares as KEVIN ( Late thirties, podgy) drives, whilst JACK ( Late thirties, casual) sits smoking. JACK looks at FAY as they pass her.
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EXT. CARAVAN PARK. SATURDAY MORNING.
The car continues over the green towards JEREMY, they beep the horn at the last possible moment causing JEREMY to leap to safety, narrowly avoiding being hit by the car.
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INT. THE CAR. SATURDAY MORNING.
KEVIN and JACK continue unaware of JEREMY looking furious behind them.
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INT. ENTERTAINMENT LOUNGE. SATURDAY MORNING.
STEVE (Late twenties, shirt and tie) and RICKY (Late twenties, attractive, tracksuit) standing by the bar.
STEVE ( Welsh Accent)
You'll put a good word in for me won't you? He won't sack me will he?
RICKY (Welsh Accent)
Yeah, yeah don't worry.
STEVE
Easy for you to say John Boy, you're not the one working for the bloody Walton's, you're one of them.
RICKY
He's all business, family doesn't come into it.
STEVE
Bollocks, I'm expendable I am, I've only managed to pull in two regulars off the site.
RICKY
Yeah about them mate, they've had a bit of a bust up!
STEVE
What!!?
RICKY
Dai told Jeff that his missus's nickname is Camel Toe Kath.
STEVE
Fantastic, brilliant that's just exactly what I need right now.
RICKY
Think how Jeff felt, he thought her nickname was Sweaty Big Tits.
RICKY sharply intakes breath and runs out of shot, STEVE watches confused.
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RICKY running to the lounge entrance to hug SASHA (Tanned, attractive, hippyish, dread locks) STEVE watches intently.
EXT. THE PARK. SATURDAY MORNING.
KEVIN unloads slabs of beer from the boot. JACK comes out of the caravan.
JACK
What you bring all that for?
KEVIN
Lads holiday mate, come on.
JACK
We're not twelve, we don't have to hang round outside the corner shop asking strangers to get us booze any more do we!?
KEVIN
Oh come on Jay, lighten up, you've had a face like Esther Ranson's minge all day.
JACK
Well I'm sorry but I'm still adjusting alright, it's only been a week!
KEVIN
You know what you need?
JACK
My wife and kids back?
KEVIN
S.T.D.
JACK
Somehow I don't think chlamydia's going to help Kev.
KEVIN
No mate, Seize The Day, it's my mantra.
JACK
You've got a mantra?
KEVIN
Yeah, it's helped me be the man I am today.
JACK
But I don't want to live with my Mum, still, at the age of thirty five.
KEVIN
Rent free mate, don't knock it
Grabs a beer and opens it.
KEVIN
Now listen, ( He squeezes out a fart) this is the first day of the rest of your life yeah?, the first chapter in your unwritten book, your first taste of freedom, so what if you wife is f**king your brother, so what if one of your kids is unexplainably black so what if your firing blanks...
JACK (Standing)
I am not and he's got olive skin!
KEVIN
Whatever, you're on holiday!! Kind of anticipated you'd be feeling like this, I've prepared a surprise for you.
JACK
Oh no Kev, not another one, I'm sick of people thinking I like cottaging.
KEVIN reveals his new T-Shirts on the front, in large letters, the caption reads 'S.T.D.'
JACK
You've gotta be having a laugh.
KEVIN
Wait, wait, gets better.
He turns the T-Shirt around, on the back there is an unflattering picture of JACK throwing up, underneath the caption reads 'The Jack Sullivan F**k-a-thon 2009- The 'I'm Spending my Child Support Tour' JACK stares at KEVIN in disbelief who smiles back proudly.
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INT. ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX. SATURDAY MORNING.
MICKEY is posing whilst having his picture taken with a group of holiday makers. MICKEY watches them go, he then catches sight of SHEILA. He watches her, she bends over to pick something up, she disappears behind a door saying staff only.
MICKEY (To himself)
You can never go too far.
He walks towards the door grinning to himself.
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INT. ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX. SATURDAY MORNING.
MERV headed in the same direction, he waves to passing guests and stops to have his photo taken.
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MICKEY. He opens the door slowly, creeps in and closes it behind him. Ahead of him, SHEILA is sorting out a desk at the end of the room facing away from MICKEY. MICKEY creeps towards her.
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MERV approaches the door, still waving and smiling at the guests.
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MICKEY is right behind Sheila, he grabs her and covers her mouth, she is shocked and looks frightened.
MICKEY (Whispering)
Don't make a sound girl, I've been waiting for this.
SHEILA's breathing deepens as he puts his free hand up her skirt.
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MERV has his hand on the door and pulls it slightly open.
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MICKEY, his hand moves higher up SHEILA'S thigh.
O.O.V. MEMBER OF STAFF
Mr. Gold Sir, someone's complained about a turd in the wave machine.
MICKEY pulls SHEILA closer, she whimpers.
MICKEY
(Softly)Shhh
O.O.V. MERV
What? We haven't got a wave machine, oh come on let's have a look.
We hear MERV close the door. SHEILA grabs MICKEY'S hand from her mouth and backs onto the desk, MICKEY smiles and walks towards her.
SHEILA
Well, what you waiting for?
She throws him a key. MICKEY locks the door then turns to face SHEILA, they stare at each other for a moment before MICKEY pounces on SHEILA and they fall back on the desk, locked in a passionate embrace, frantically removing each other's clothes.
MICKEY
Oh I've missed you Sheila, I want you like you were that wet September night!
SHEILA
Oh shut up Mickey, shut up and f**k me!
CUT TO:
