INT. DAY. HOME.
FX KID NOISE.
MAN:
That'll be your dad with the kids.
WOMAN:
We'd be lost without dad.
ELDERLY MAN WALKS INTO ROOM.
ELDERLY MAN:
We had a great time, they're fantastic children, really well behaved.
WOMAN:
I suppose they know how to tie laces now dad? You learnt them how to tell the time last week.
TWO KIDS RUN INTO ROOM. THEY ARE TOTALLY COVERED IN SOOT.
KID:
Grandad taught us how to clean his chimney.
ELDERLY MAN:
They were wearing slip on shoes.
There doesn't seem to be enough build up to grab me in this one.
I echo sooty-ooty-ooty-ooty...
I don't really get it. Is it deeper than I think it is?
Dan
It's late night crap. I really shouldn't post rubbish like this.
Quote: Nigel Kelly @ August 12 2009, 2:54 PM BSTIt's late night crap. I really shouldn't post rubbish like this.
Ah, I can relate to that brother. *high-five*
Quote: Nigel Kelly @ August 12 2009, 2:54 PM BSTIt's late night crap. I really shouldn't post rubbish like this.
Ah - so this is late night crap , Nigel. Are the others early morning, late afternoon, etc.?
Quote: Morrace @ August 12 2009, 3:05 PM BSTAh - so this is late night crap , Nigel. Are the others early morning, late afternoon, etc.?
Cheeky bugger.
If you wan to keep it I would restructure something like below:
Quote: Nigel Kelly @ August 12 2009, 1:34 AM BSTINT. DAY. HOME.
FX KID NOISE.
MAN:
That'll be your dad with the kids.WOMAN:
We'd be lost without dad. Did I say, last week he showed them how to tell the time?MAN
Yes, when I dropped them off he said he'd teach them how to the tie their laces.ELDERLY MAN WALKS INTO ROOM.
ELDERLY MAN:
We had a great time, they're fantastic children, really well behaved.WOMAN:
So can they tie a bow now dad?ELDERLY MAN:
They were wearing slip ons.TWO KIDS RUN INTO ROOM. THEY ARE TOTALLY COVERED IN SOOT.
KID:
Grandad taught us how to clean his chimney.