Hi all,
I'm new here and this is my first post.
I'd love to get some honest feedback on this sketch from you.
Thanks very much in advance for your time...
INT-DAY-CALL CENTRE.
TWO OFFICE WORKERS, GAVIN AND DAVE, SIT IN A BOOTH DOODLING ON PAPER.
A TELEPHONE RINGS.
AUDIBLE ANSWERPHONE VOICE: "Thank you for holding, your call is very important to us. Please wait longer.."
THEY LEAVE IT TO RING, LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SHARE A GIGGLE.
RING RING.
GAVIN FINALY PICKS UP THE PHONE.
-'CLICK'...
GAVIN: "Good morning, you're through to Insure for Sure Insurance Services, you're speaking to Gavin this morning and how may I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Ah, yes, good morning. I'd like to cancel my policy please."
GAVIN: "I'm sorry sir, you are through to the freephone quote-line and it's not possible for me to help you from here. I can give you the number for the policy line if you'd like."
CUSTOMER: "Would that be a premium rate line by any chance?"
GAVIN: "The number is 0870 -"
CUSTOMER: "- So that's a yes then, is it?"
GAVIN: "It is an 0870 number sir, which is a national rate."
CUSTOMER: "Can't you just cancel it for me on your computer?"
GAVIN: "I'm sorry sir, it's not possible from this station."
CUSTOMER: "Well can you put me through to someone who can?"
GAVIN: "I'm sorry sir, it's not possible for me to transfer you from here."
CUSTOMER: "What exactly can you do from there?"
GAVIN: "I can give you a quote sir."
CUSTOMER: "But I don't want a quote, I want to leave!"
GAVIN: "I'm sorry to hear that sir."
CUSTOMER: "You're sorry about a lot today, aren't you Gavin?"
GAVIN: "Yes sir. Would you like a quote today sir?"
CUSTOMER: "No! I want to speak to the bloke who deals with policies who is probably sitting at the desk next to you!"
GAVIN: "I'm afraid that's another department entirely sir."
CUSTOMER: "Ah, now you're afraid, are you? What happened to being sorry?"
GAVIN: "Sorry sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Nevermind."
GAVIN: "I don't think I quite understand where this is going sir."
CUSTOMER: "It's going to end with you transferring me to someone who can cancel my policy."
GAVIN: "But-"
CUSTOMER: "-On this FREEPHONE telephone line!"
GAVIN: "I'm s-"
CUSTOMER: "-Don't you dare..."
GAVIN: ".......I'm s-"
CUSTOMER: "-Don't...you....dare!"
GAVIN: "I....don't know what to say..."
CUSTOMER: "Say 'I'll just put you through'....and then put me through to someone who can cancel my f**king policy!"
GAVIN: "I'm afraid I can't do that sir. Have you considered contacting us via email."
CUSTOMER: "WHAT?"
GAVIN: "You can contact us via email if you like. Do you have access to the internet?"
CUSTOMER: "No, I live in a tree-house."
GAVIN: "Oh...I see, erm, do you-"
CUSTOMER: "-Don't be so stupid Gavin, of course I don't live in a f**king tree house. But what you're telling me is that if I did live in a tree house, the only way I could cancel my policy is to ring your premium rate phone line and speak to the prick sitting next to you?"
GAVIN: "The prick sitting next to me sir?"
DAVE LOOKS UP FROM HIS DOODLING, HURT AND CONFUSED.
CUSTOMER: (Sighs) "For God's sake just give me the number before I kill someone."
GAVIN: "Right you are sir. The number is 0870 90080026. Have a good day!"
CUSTOMER: "Piss off! (Click)"
GAVIN LOOKS AT DAVE AND SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.
DAVE'S PHONE RINGS.
HE GINGERLY PICKS UP.
DAVE: "Good morning, your through to "Insure for Sure, Insurance Services" you're speaking to Da......amian........How may I help you?"
CUSTOMER: That's Dave, isn't it?
DAVE: "No sir."
CUSTOMER: "Don't lie to me."
DAVE: (Cringing) "I'm not lying sir, this is Da...amian from Policy Enquiries."
CUSTOMER: "Tell Gavin he's a prick."
DAVE: "Who sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Gavin, you know, the bloke who's sitting next to you."
DAVE: "I'm sorry sir, there's no one called Gavin sitting next to me."
CUSTOMER: "Who is sitting there then Dave? Don't lie to me, boy!"
DAVE: "Ah, that's, er, Gareth sir."
CUSTOMER: "Really."
DAVE: "Yes sir, absolutely."
CUSTOMER: "So it's not Gavin and Dave, it's now Gareth and Damian."
DAVE: "That's right sir...I mean...it never was Gavin and David, it's always been Gareth and Damian. How may I help you today?"
CUSTOMER: "I want to cancel my policy immediately!"
DAVE: "I'm sorry to hear that sir, may I ask why?"
CUSTOMER: "Because Gavin's a liar and you're a prick, Dave."
DAVE: "I'm not a prick sir."
CUSTOMER: "A-HA, got you!"
DAVE: "What?"
CUSTOMER: "I said "you're a prick DAVE" and you said "no, I'm not" therefore implying that you are, in fact, DAVE!"
DAVE: "No sir, I was merely responding generally to your insult."
CUSTOMER: "You little shit!"
DAVE: "There's no need for that sir, I think you may be confusing me with someone else."
CUSTOMER: (Sarcastic) Really...
GAVIN'S PHONE RINGS
HE ANSWERS
GAVIN: Good morning, you're through to "Insure for Sure, Insurance Services", you're speaking to Gavin this morning and how may I help you?
CUSTOMER: "Hello Gavin..."
GAVIN: (Covers the phone) "Shit, its him!"
DAVE: "Who?"
GAVIN: (Whispering) "The effing psyco..."
CUSTOMER: (Sinister tone) "I have two phones in my treehouse gentlemen, I'm going to KILL YOU BOTH!"
BOTH MEN SLAM DOWN THEIR PHONES.
SILENCE LINGERS.
ELECTRONIC COMPUTER VOICE: "You've got mail!".
GAVIN AND DAVE STARE AT THEIR SCREENS, CLICK THIER MOUSE BUTTONS AND SCREAM.
(The End)
