BSG Sketch Comp

Right - start of another competition which I've cut and pasted again. Even more chance of a mistake(s).

Àpologies for ballsing-up slightly, I'm on holiday and it's difficult to get to a computer. Please could Fred Peters PM me for this week's subject? Cheers!

Anyway, lets get on with this weeks comp and this weeks winner.

This week's winners are... FRANKIE and JUDE! Hoorah!

And with the new points system you win 10 big shiny points!

Votes - Points - Name
02 - 10 - Frankie Rage
02 - 10 - Jude
02 - 05 - Fred Peters
02 - 05 - Happy Shopper

PLUS Mr Leevil has given up his fifty points to Baumski.

This weeks topic is... NIGHT

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: Friday 7 September

Good luck!

Overall Leader Board then is as follows:-

Points - Name

50 - Baumski
30 - Jude
25 - Charley Rance
16 - Michael Monkhouse
16 - Frankie Rage
15 - Fred Peters
10 - Leevil
11 - David Chapman
10 - Swerytd
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Kent Pete
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
03 - Stylo
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
01 - Gavin
01 - EllieJP
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Hellboy
01 - Winterlight

Spot any mistakes? Wouldn't surprise me as I'm a virgin moderator so PM me. Thanks

INT: Headmasters office
Two boys and a girl are lined up before the headmaster.

Headmaster
You know why your here?

All Three Children
(Mumble)

Headmaster
I can't hear you speak up.

All Three Children
(Indistinct) Yes Sir.

Headmaster
All three of you have all been on the British Sitcom website.

(Beat)

Headmaster
You know that's banned in this school. And for good reason.

(Beat)

Headmaster
I've had a complaint from Michael. Well... Which one of you has stolen the topic from this weeks competition... Michael had a nice topic set up. Now only three dots are left.

(Beat)

Headmaster
You know those writers will be stuck without a topic. It'll be like August two thousand and six all over again. Six writers died that year, and three had to be shot by the BBC.

(Beat)

Headmaster
ajp29 will have to write about his time in prison again... No one can face that. Not even ajp.

(Beat)

Headmaster
Paul Nash will have to go up into the loft and dig out an old script. He's old and frail, you know he shouldn't be doing that at his time of life.

(Beat)

Headmaster
Which one of you was it?

Charlie (The Girl)
It was Fred, Sir.

Headmaster
Hand the topic over Fred.

FRED TAKES A BAG OUT OF HIS BACK POCKET AND HANDS IT TO THE HEADMASTER.

Headmaster
Oh Fred. That's disgusting, you've eaten half of it.

(Beat)

Headmaster
Now Fred you know I'm going to have to cane you for this.

Fred
Yes Mr Aaron.

Okay finally back from the hols as Enid Blyton would say and back at me computer as she wouldn't. The new topic is NIGHT but if Timothy likes we can keep his above entry as it's funny. Frankie and Jude tied last time so they can both send me a subject and I'll toss for it (not literally). Is it okay if we keep Friday as the deadline? Otherwise things'll drag like my mother's bottom.
I'll get it right next time.
Keep laughing
Michael

Hi,

Can we play?

Ok I added the word Night.
CHARLEY IS GOING TO HELL FOR THIS!!!!!!!

Titled.
OH JESUS!

INT
THE STUDIO JEREMY KYLE IS FACING HIS AUDIENCE.

JEREMY
(Smug face) Today we have a couple who are in dispute as to who is the father of their child.
Please put your hands together & clap like this (Shows his audience how to clap) For Mary & Joseph.

THE GORMLESS AUDIENCE APPLAUSE. MARY & JOSEPH ENTER THE STAGE.

JEREMY
Now you have a child called Jesus. Who is the father?

JOSEPH
Well it is not me.

MARY
I don’t know who the father is. But I would recognise his voice if I heard it again.

THE GORMLESS AUDIENCE BOOOOOOO

JEREMY
(Smug face)What kind of woman could not know who the father of their child is. You are a disgrace. Sleep around a lot do you. There is a name for women like you Mary. One of those names is WHORE! Have you ever heard of the word CON-TRA-CEPTION. That poor baby has no father. Jesus is a Bastard.(Jeremy turns to his audience & gestures for them to applaud him)

MARY
I am a virgin. I have never had sex.

JEREMY
(TSK) You are a married woman. Of course you have had sex.

JOSEPH
Not with me. She wont let me near her. I can categorically say that Jesus is not my child. Not one night, have we spent being intimate.

JEREMY
(Shakes his head in smug sympathy)We have a distant relative of yours, that we have by live link from Belmarsh Prison. His name is Abraham.

JEREMY TURNS TO THE BIG SCREEN IN THE CENTRE OF THE STAGE WHERE A BEARDED MAN IN HANDCUFFS IS SAT ON A CHAIR.

JEREMY
Could you tell us why you are currently in Prison?

ABRAHAM
I am here for attempted murder on my own son Isaac.

THE AUDIENCE BOO.

JEREMY
What kind of man would do that?

ABRAHAM
The voice told me to do it.

JEREMY
(Little red smug face) You are a disgrace. You are disgusting. What kind of mental problems do you think you have caused your son. You deserve to rot in Prison. Infact I don’t even want to talk to you anymore. You make me sick (Jeremy gestures for the audience to applaud him).

A BOUNCER ENTERS THE STAGE AND TURNS OFF THE TV IN A BOUNCERY KIND OF WAY.

JEREMY
Please welcome on stage two other members of this strange family. Adam & Eve.

THE GORMLESS AUDIENCE APPLAUD
ADDAM & EVE WALK ON STAGE, ARGUING WITH EACH OTHER OVER AN APPLE.

JEREMY
(Turns to eve, who is chomping on a juicy red apple). So Eve can you add any light to this disgraceful families predicament.

ADAM
I wouldn’t talk to her. She is a bitch. She never listens to anything anyone says.

EVE
I break one stinky little rule once & I have to hear you whine on about it for all eternity. (Chomp chomp)

ADAM
You should have listened to the voice.

JEREMY
(Smug face) I am shocked. This is the worst family I have ever, ever come across in all my career. You are (His face turns blue) DisgraceTING!! You talk about voices, You try to kill members of your own family, you argue & you sleep around. I am appalled. (Turns to the audience & gestures for them to applaud)

MARY
I have told you I am a Virgin.

JEREMY
(Smug face)Virgin on the ridiculous! (Jeremy laughs till he passes out at his horrific joke. Finaly he wakes up & gestures for the Audience to applaud).

Very very good, apart from the last line

But what has it got to do with night? lol

Quote: garyd @ September 3, 2007, 10:43 AM

Hi,

Can we play?

View original

Yes, it's open to everyone.

THE VICAR’S WIFE

It’s 11:30 pm. A C. of E. vicar arrives home at the vicarage. He goes up stairs to where his wife is in bed. He enters the room, trying to be quiet with the only light that of the moon shining through the landing window. Suddenly:

WIFEo where have you been?

VICARorry. Just to the pub dear.

WIFEh. Which one?

VICAR:Er...The Dog and Duck.

WIFE:Right. And you had a nice drink with your friends from the congregation did you?

VICAR:Well, actually I had a couple of pints to be sociable and five of the chaps and I took part in a pool tournament. I came third.

WIFEHysterical) You liar! I know where you’ve been. You’ve been in the church hall haven’t you? With the choirboys. Singing those…songs! Jesus Christ! How could you be so cruel? Must you always revert to such despicable acts to satisfy your evil desires?

VICAR:What on earth are you talking about?

WIFE:Just because I won’t join in with your sordid games.

VICARordid games?

WIFE:Yes. Nasty, wretched games like…quizzes and…bingo.

VICAR:Have you totally flipped woman! What’s gotten in to you?

WIFEh, that’s it. Turn it round. Blame me. Like I was the one who spent all morning last Sunday out of the house.

VICAR:I was in Church!

WIFEo you say.

VICAR: You were there!

WIFE:No I wasn’t.

VICAR:Yes you were. You arranged the children’s tea party for after the service. And hosted it.

1WIFE:No I didn't.

VICARh for goodness sake. You dropped some of the children home in the mini- bus.

WIFE:Wasn’t me.

VICAR:The congregation presented you with some flowers for all your help over the last year.

WIFEh look, let’s not argue darling. Fancy a shag?

VICAR:Right-ho. Get your kit off!

(END)

Twat's Magic

A sketch by Michael Monkhouse

Opening to 'Saw Two'.

PAUL DANIELS stands in a dark room, naked and scared.

JIGSAW Hello Paul. You're gonna like this, but not a lot.

Paul jumps up and a man-trap crashes round his face.

PAUL Bugger.

JIGSAW It's propelled by Tommy Cooper spinning in his grave.

PAUL Debbie?… Debbie!

JIGSAW Until now your life – if we can call it that – has consisted of shagging Debbie McGee, performing shows that'd make Bobby Davro blush, and treating your audience with as much respect as the Pussycat Dolls at a feminist convention. In thirty seconds the trap will crash around your stupid smug face. Your only hope is to use the razor-blade to remove the key I have embedded behind your eye.

Paul moves the razor-blade to gouge out his eye; then moves his hands in a mysterious fashion and magics out the key.

PAUL (smug) That's magic!

JIGSAW Ah f**k.

Jigsaw presses a button and the trap crashes round Paul's face anyway.

JIGSAW Now THAT was magic.

Because the 'Night' theme is being generally ignored, I shall follow suit and give you:

LORD OF THE RINGS
BY BAUMSKI (AGED 47 3/4)

GANDALPH ENTERS. HE APPROACHES A MAN. WE SEE GANDALPH PASSIONATELY ASKING A QUESTION BUT TO NO AVAIL. THE MAN SYMPATHETICALLY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND GANDALPH SADLY WALKS AWAY.

HE APPROACHES A WOMAN AND GOES THROUGH THE WHOLE ROUTINE AGAIN. LOOKING DEJECTED, HE ONCE AGAIN WALKS AWAY AS THE WOMAN SHAKES HER HEAD.

GANDALPH APPEARS COMPLETELY DOWNCAST. SUDDENLY HE HAS AN IDEA. HE REACHES FOR A COPY OF YELLOW PAGES, QUICKLY OPENS IT AND SEARCHES. FINDING THE NUMBER HE WANTS, HE PICKS UP THE PHONE, TAPS OUT A NUMBER AND WAITS.

GANDALPH:
Hello, the name is Gandalph the wizard. I was wondering if you could help me. I’m after a book. The title? Oh yes, the title. It’s called The Lord Of The Rings. Who’s it by? It’s by J. R. Tolkien. It’s very old you know. (Sadly) Oh you don’t. Well then, do you have a copy of Nigella Bites? You do? That’s marvellous!

THE THEME FROM THE YELLOW PAGES ADVERT IS HEARD.

It was a dark and stormy night. With his good hand on his semi-permanent erection he pressed his eye to the cold glass, peering through the angry rain momentarily forgetting that the condensation had been wiped off with granddads underpants from the laundry basket. Po-faced Clerics by the score drove noiselessly by, side lights only, some on wobbly bicycles. ‘News of the World’ vicars, whose dirty deeds were done in the name of the Father, the Son and Teacher’s ‘10 year old’. I felt a cold hand on my shoulder as an octogenarian grandma passed away in the next room, her will un-writ and nothing left to leave but her pension book. Six months later her family were still blessed by the faint murmur of urine but remembered happier times when she would laugh and fart after losing to the cat at rummy. One ancient priest loomed up to the window and peered in, his open mouth full of broken teeth and golden glints in the reflected light from his bicycle lamp. I had sunk to my knees holding my own stiffness resolving to head off as soon as he was satisfied that no teenage virgin lay sleeping, waiting. Fornication between Beelzebub and an 89-year-old corpse followed and partly satiated I disappeared into the night. How was it for you? Comfy in your bed are you? This was a party political broadcast on behalf of the Conservative Party.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET. NIGHT.

TWO POLICEMEN ARE SITTING IN A PATROL CAR. EATING SANDWICHES AND DRINKING COFFEE.

WHILE POLICEMAN 1 IS EATING HIS SANDWICH, HE GLANCES TO HIS RIGHT, AND SEES TWO FULLY MADE UP CLOWNS. COMPLETE WITH WIGS, BAGGY TROUSERS, BRIGHT RED NOSES ETC, STANDING IN A GARDEN. THE TWO CLOWNS ARE EACH HOLDING, A GIANT, PLASTIC, SQUEAKY MALLET, AND ARE TAKING IT IN TURNS TO HIT EACH OTHER REPEATEDLY ON THE HEAD.
AFTER WATCHING THE SCENE FOR A FEW SECONDS THE POLICEMAN NUDGES HIS PARTNER WHO LEANS FORWARD TO TAKE A LOOK. THE TWO POLICEMEN THEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER KNOWINGLY BEFORE CONTINUING TO EAT.

WHILE POLICEMAN 2 IS EATING. HE NOTICES A MAN APPEAR AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STREET. THE MAN HAS LONG STRAGGLY HAIR, A LONG SCRUFFY BEARD, AND IS NAKED APART FROM A LOINCLOTH, THE MAN BEGINS TO RUN ABOUT HAPHAZARDLY, SCRATCHING AT THE AIR AND GROWLING MENACINGLY ( HE CLEARLY BELIEVES HE IS A WEREWOLF )

WHILE THIS IS HAPPENING POLICEMAN 2 NUDGES HIS PARTNER WHO STOPS EATING MOMENTARILY TO TAKE A LOOK. AS THEY ARE WATCHING THE MAN SPOTS THE POLICECAR AND BEGINS RUNNING TOWARDS IT, ONLY TO GET DISTRACTED HALFWAY WHEN HE NOTICES A LAMP POST. WHICH HE DULY SNIFFS AT BEFORE COCKING HIS LEG AND RELIEVING HIMSELF.
AFTER HE HAS FINISHED THE MAN SPOTS THE POLICECAR AGAIN, GROWLS AND CONTINUES RUNNING TOWARDS IT, BEFORE LEAPING ON THE BONNET AND, LANDING ON ALL FOURS.
THE MAN LOOKS AT EACH OF THE POLICEMEN IN TURN WHILE GROWLING FEROCIOUSLY, AND SCRATCHING AT THE WINDSCREEN. BEFORE THROWING HIS HEAD UP IN THE AIR AND HOWLING AT THE MOON.
THE POLICEMEN AGAIN LOOK AT EACH OTHER KNOWINGLY, THEN BACK AT THE MAN. AS HE JUMPS OFF THE BONNET, RUNS BACK DOWN THE STREET, AND DISAPPEARS AROUND A CORNER.

THE POLICEMEN CONTINUE EATING AS THOUGH NOTHING AS HAPPENED.

POLICEMAN 1
You know its true what they say.

HE LOOKS AT HIS PARTNER

POLICEMAN 1
They only come out at night!

POLICEMAN 2 NODS WHILE CONTINUING TO EAT.

DEADLINE TOMORROW NIGHT!... Incidentally that was a message not my entry.

Dogger Bank – one handed erotic fiction

It was a dark, windy night. Kevin had been driven to the streets by his twitchcock – by jiggery he loved to watch.

He jangled his keys, shouted “Goodbye Ma’m” to his bad wife and wrapped himself in a Teflon-coated mackintosh – ideal for pulling the head of it with the force of a bison. The spot was only 10 frantic minutes away – dubbed Dogger Bank by locals but known affectionately by Kevin as The Special Place Where I Watch People Rut.

A clearing in the woods marked the place where Kevin liked to hover. It never took longer than 10 minutes for the rude to start. First, a flash of the headlights and then slamming doors. Then, a cursory glance over the shoulder in case of the unthinkable. In fact, only 6 months previous to Kevin’s visit, a naughty man was grabbed from behind by a masking tape wielding numbskull. His assailant taped us his face like a good ‘un, rained blows down on his cheeks then left him panting in a mire of duck muck and spunk juice. Neither man was ever found but the legend looms large.

Through his trembling pudding fingers Kevin could see a dusky gentleman handle a skinny rake of a woman. The woman said very little but the man talked himself into a sexual McFlurry. He had a Caribbean accent – the likes of which she had only ever heard on racist soft drink ads and dub reggae grooves when she was droop faced on Moroccan Leb.

The man and his conquest were only partially visible – that’s how Kevin liked it. As Kevin felt his dong unfurl like a smelly caterpillar, Mr Caribbean said,

“ Mmmm, feel it in me batty. Feel it in me ballox. Hmm feel it in me cock, me belly an me rocks - me go, feel it in me cock an balls.”

The woman only made the sound a rat would make when shovelling sawdust away from a sausage.

But the lilting mantra faded as the thudding of Kevin’s footsteps syncopated with the slap of his helmet on his zip fastener. His voyeuristic journey would lead him not to sexual abandon but back to the stifling torpor of home. He had left his copy of Big and Bouncy in his briefcase and his wife had offered to clean the inside of it for him, to suck out the fluff and crumb and make it whistle-clean.

Did his lumpen footsteps get him back in time?

Did they shitting buggery.

THE END.

VAMPIRES

SCENE 1 INT. – NIGHT (CONTROL ROOM)
(SIMON, MARTIN)

SIMON AND MARTIN ARE BOTH SECURITY GUARDS WORKING FOR MOYSTON SECURITY GUARDING A BUILDING SITE IN WHITBY, NORTH YORKSHIRE.

THEY ARE IN THE CONTROL ROOM JUST ABOUT TO START A SHIFT AS THE REST OF THE BUILDERS AND ADMIN STAFF JUST LEAVE.

SIMON
(TO LAST TWO ADMIN STAFF LEAVING THE PORTAKABIN.)

Night then. See you tomorrow.

(CLOSES THE DOOR AND TAKES HAT OFF)

Right Martin, have you brought the cards?

MARTIN
Of course. I’m feeling lucky tonight. I’ve got my new pants on.

SIMON
You’ll need more than pants if you want to win any of my money. Are the gates shut?

MARTIN
Tony’s doing it!

(ALL OF A SUDDEN THE CABIN DOOR OPENS AND IN RUSHES TONY, ANOTHER MAN IN HIS LATE 30’S.

TONY SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AND LOCKS ALL THE DOORS AND CHECKS THE WINDOWS, FOLLOWED BY SWITCHING ON THE LIGHTS AND PULLING THE BLINDS DOWN.)

Talk of the devil!

TONY
(ACTING NERVOUSLY)

Devil, where?

MARTIN
It’s a metaphor.

TONY
It’s a matter for who?

SIMON
Tony?

TONY
Yes, Simon

SIMON
Shut up!

MARTIN
Anyway, why are you acting so…Tony!

TONY
They’re out there.

MARTIN
Who are?

TONY
I’ve told you. They are!

SIMON
What Martin means, is what the f**k are you going on about you bee brained psychopath!

TONY
I take exception to that!

SIMON
I take exception to your very existence. Now pull yourself together and tell us what’s blown under your blouse.

TONY
(CHECKS OVER HIS SHOULDER AND DRAWS THE OTHER TWO IN CLOSE. WHISPERING.)

Vampires!

(BOTH SIMON AND MARTIN LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND STAND BACK AMAZED AT TONY’S OUTLANDISH STATEMENT.)

MARTIN
Vampires?

TONY
Yes, I saw them. Two of them there were, with big black capes and shiny white teeth.

SIMON
Are you sure you didn’t look in a mirror?

TONY
I’m serious. They’re out there. You’ve got to believe me.

SIMON
Why?

TONY
They prey on the weak, vulnerable and innocent

SIMON
I can see why you’re nervous on all three accounts.

TONY
(GRIPS SIMON’S ARM.)

Help me Simon. I don’t want to be one of the undead.

SIMON
If you don’t let go of my arm you soon will be.

TONY
(LETS GO OF HIS GRIP.)

Sorry.

MARTIN
You don’t really believe that there are vampires out there, do you Tony?

TONY
Why shouldn’t I?

MARTIN
Well mainly because, now how do i put this...they don’t exist!

TONY
But I saw them. They were both getting in a large transit van.

SIMON
Oh my God. Look, you tit. Where are we?

TONY
(LOOKS CONFUSED)

In a portakabin?

SIMON
Yes, I’ll give you that Sherlock, but where exactly is the portakabin?

TONY
Here?

MARTIN
What Simon is painstakingly trying to tell you, is that we’re in Whitby.

TONY
And?

MARTIN
Whitby is associated with Dracula…

TONY
See, I told you. Vampires!

SIMON
…which makes this Gotham City. A mecca for the pale skinned masses.

TONY
So what you’re telling me, is that those vampires in the van were not vampires but Goth’s?

SIMON
Yes

MARTIN
Yes

TONY
(A MOMENT OF RELIEF AND CLARITY.)

Well that makes more sense.

MARTIN
Good, I’m glad that’s sorted.

TONY
I mean, what would two vampires want with all those power tools and paving slabs?

SIMON AND MARTIN LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND THEN TONY AND THEN THE CCTV, WHICH WE SEE ANOTHER TRANSIT VAN BEING LOADED UP BY GOTH-TYPES.