Todd's Girlfriend

INT. PUB.

TODD AND DAVE ARE SAT AT A TABLE TOGETHER. TODD'S GIRLFRIEND IS CLINGING TO HIS ARM. HER SKIN IS GREEN, SHE HAS A LONG POINTED NOSE WITH A WART ON THE END, AND HAIR LIKE WIRE WOOL; SHE IS DRESSED IN BLACK RAGS, WITH A TALL POINTED BLACK HAT. TODD AND HIS GIRLFRIEND ARE LAUGHING - OR IN HER CASE, CACKLING - UPROARIOUSLY. DAVE IS JOINING IN, A LITTLE FAINTLY.

GIRLFRIEND
Won't be a moment boys, I just need to powder my nose.

TODD
Okay hun.

TODD'S GIRLFRIEND LEANS ACROSS AND GIVES HIM A PECK, THEN LEAVES. TODD AND DAVE WATCH HER GO.

TODD
Isn't she lovely?

DAVE
Yes.. you're a lucky man.

TODD
I know.

DAVE
Only I do wonder if you are rushing into this. Marry in haste and all that...

TODD
Can't let one like that get away.

DAVE
Quite. But marriage, well, it's a big undertaking. You've been together how long now?

TODD
Feels like I have known her all my life.

DAVE
But how long actually?

TODD
Oh two, no I tell a lie, three, hours.

DAVE
Only some might say that was rushing it a bit.

TODD
What can I say? We're in love.

DAVE
You don't think you might be just a little, well, enchanted?

TODD
She is enchanting.

DAVE
No, I mean, like, under an actual spell.

TODD
I am under her spell.

DAVE
An actual actual spell, with eyes of toads and tongues of newts.

PAUSE

TODD
It's the witch thing that's bothering you, isn't?

DAVE
She is a bit witchy.

TODD
Oh right, I see.

DAVE
I have nothing against witches...

TODD
But? If you knew what she had to put up with. In some countries they still dunk witches you know.

DAVE
And that's terrible. No-one's defending witch-dunking. I just wonder if you have anything in common. You never liked Harry Potter!

TODD
You sicken me.

DAVE
Well I just thought it needed to be said.

PAUSE

TODD
You will still be my best man, won't you?

DAVE
Of course.

END.

Beautiful dialogue, Timbo and a great idea. Very funny. Although the punchline is funny, I felt it could be bit more of a 'kicker' - but maybe I want too much of a good thing!

Would agree with the above.

Feels like it needs something more at the end.

Maybe a little trim as well?

I like this but the punch is a bit underpowered.

I thought this was great as well Timbo, but I thought it petered out ever so slightly.

I wonder if it might work with Todd not believing she's an actual witch, but concurring that she might be a bit Witchy.

It could finish with Dave saying something like, I know you're not going to listen to me, but I'm telling you she's a witch, At this point he can turn to a previously unseen friend to back him up.
Come on Barry, You were saying you thought she was a witch as well.
Then we reveal Barry who's a frog on a stool.

Ok maybe not.
But I would look at rewriting the last few lines if you want to raise this from V Good to excellent.

Hm, yes, I maybe need to rethink the ending of this. Cheers for the feedback.

It's very good but needs a better ending.

The witch seems to have been lifted from a TV commercial. Could a 'two-for-the-price-of-one' visit to the movies be mentioned?

She reminded me of The Wizard Of Oz witch, I suppose all witches have that same look that Timbo described.

Rewrite. Any improvement?

INT. PUB.

TODD AND DAVE ARE SAT AT A TABLE TOGETHER. TODD'S GIRLFRIEND IS CLINGING TO HIS ARM. HER SKIN IS GREEN, SHE HAS A LONG POINTED NOSE WITH A WART ON THE END, AND HAIR LIKE WIRE WOOL; SHE IS DRESSED IN BLACK RAGS, WITH A TALL POINTED BLACK HAT. TODD AND HIS GIRLFRIEND ARE LAUGHING - OR IN HER CASE, CACKLING - UPROARIOUSLY. DAVE IS JOINING IN, A LITTLE FAINTLY.

GIRLFRIEND
Won't be a moment boys, I just need to powder my nose.

TODD
Okay hun.

TODD'S GIRLFRIEND LEANS ACROSS AND GIVES HIM A PECK, THEN LEAVES. TODD AND DAVE WATCH HER GO.

TODD
Isn't she lovely?

DAVE
Yes.. you're a lucky man.

TODD
I know.

DAVE
Only I do wonder if you are rushing into this. Marry in haste and all that...

TODD
Can't let one like that get away.

DAVE
Quite. But marriage, well, it's a big undertaking. You've been together how long now?

TODD
Feels like I have known her all my life.

DAVE
But how long actually?

TODD
Oh two, no I tell a lie, three, hours.

DAVE
Only some might say that was rushing it a bit.

TODD
What can I say? We're in love.

DAVE
You don't think you might be just a little, well, enchanted?

TODD
She is enchanting.

DAVE
No, I mean, like, under an actual spell.

TODD
I am under her spell.

DAVE
An actual actual spell, with eyes of toads and tongues of newts.

TODD
Sorry?

DAVE
It is just that she is a bit... witchy.

TODD
How can you say that?

DAVE
Sorry, that was out of order. It is just that you've not known one another long, and I wonder, do you have anything in common? You never liked Harry Potter! And you're allergic to cats. Call it a hunch, but I bet she has a cat. A black cat.

TODD
Beelzebub? Oh he's adorable. It's so cute when she suckles him. At her third teat.

DAVE APPEARS ABOUT TO GAG.

TODD (CONT.)
So I was going to ask - you will be my best man, won't you?

DAVE
(DELIGHTED) Me? Of course! So what are the bridesmaids like, eh?

TODD
There are some crackers in the coven...

END.

Nah, still seems to peter out a bit. Maybe she beckons Dave out of the bar and returns with a cat under her arm. ?
"Where's Dave"?
"He had to go somewhere......."

Loved this Timbo, flowed along nicely.

I just wondered whether the final twist could be Dave having to confess that he had previously dated/slept with her?

Hi Matt!

So guys, it still needs tweaking, eh? I'll nail this one yet...

Some interesting suggestions on how to end the sketch, but I want to stick to the basic idea of Dave, having made his token protest, then weedily going along with it.

Timbo,

Maybe have Dave really being a wizard or something.

And say he will only be bestman if he can wear his cape and bring his wand or something.....

Or cut his white beard into a special style?

Keep on tweakin' Timbo!

Please don't make a play with 'Witch Report' or 'Which Witch?' though. Or on second thoughts...