Boxing

Hallo, I have just registered and this is the first time I have ever submitted any material anywhere let alone on a forum, so apologies if I have not conformed properly to script layout etc. Welcome all feedback, whatever it may be.

F/X: ALL THE FAMILIER SOUNDS OF A BOXING BOUT: CROWDS / NOISE AND THEN THE CLANG OF A BELL SIGNALLING END OF THE ROUND

WE SEE:
HEADSHOT ONLY OF 'THE BOXER' A YOUNG MAN, TAKING DEEP BREATHS, SWEATING, CONCENTRATING, WHILST LISTENING TO HIS 'COACH' WE CONTINUE TO SEE ONLY THE HEADSHOT OF THE 'BOXER' WHILST HE LISTENS TO THE 'COACH'

COACH
Ok, just one more round! Stay low, stay alert! Move left and right if necessary! Don't let the crowd get to you! You've got to move fast! Look for any opportunity! Play dirty if you have to! The first chance you get, make sure you get two or three in before the bell!

F/X: THE CLANG OF A BELL SIGNALLING START OF THE NEXT ROUND

THEN:

MAN'S VOICE
Last orders!

SCENE OPENS OUT TO REVEAL THE 'BOXER' GETTING UP, TAKING ONE LAST DEEP BREATH BEFORE DIVING INTO THE CROWD OF DRINKERS QUEUEING TO GET ONE MORE ROUND OF DRINKS BEFORE CLOSING TIME.

Not bad for your first time, Mike.

Your dialogue seems fine.

The formatting is wrong, but you're not far off.

Never use the words WE SEE when trying to describe the action. Instead, try to describe the scene as if you were telling a story. A very short, to the point story.

Well done on posting your first sketch, keep it up.

Thanks Leevil, really appreciate the feedback!

Mike

Well done.

It's a good one, and I enjoyed it.
I'm like you Mike, first thing I ever posted on a forum was on here in critique back in April. It's good.

Quote: Leevil @ August 4 2009, 4:38 PM BST

Not bad for your first time, Mike.

Your dialogue seems fine.

The formatting is wrong, but you're not far off.

Never use the words WE SEE when trying to describe the action. Instead, try to describe the scene as if you were telling a story. A very short, to the point story.

Well done on posting your first sketch, keep it up.

View original

I agree with all this. Welcome Mike.

Thanks! Thrilled to get the positive feedback. I have other material which I will get round to uploading.

Check out formatting tips, just Google for them. Thr only thing you really need to change though is the descriptions and you should add scene headings. For example,

INT. PUB - NIGHT

INT. meaning Interior (inside location) and there's also EXT. for exterior locations (outside).

Quote: Leevil @ August 4 2009, 4:52 PM BST

INT. PUB - NIGHT

View original

That may spoil your punchline, but it's important when it comes to shooting sketches. Plus, were all aware of it on here, so we'll be able to judge the joke on it's writing, rather that how it would be seen by the audience as a final production.

Hi Leevil
I am aware of 'INT' and 'EXT' and was trying to use the correct formatting but felt that if I described it as INT. PUB - NIGHT or similar then I would be revealing the punchline, so wasn't sure how best to describe the scene.

OK Thanks for the advice - I am easily confused but will try harder when I submit my next material!

Nice one - welcome to it Mike

Good one and welcome.

I like that nice and simple and it works.

First time or not - it's a very funny sketch! Well done!

I liked it too. Good one,and welcome.

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

Mike A

Remember-you are only as good as your last sketch.

(That means I am a pile of wank)

>_<