Pitch blurb

I don't post all that often on here but I was just wondering if you guys would cast your peepers over this pitch for a kids' comedy idea I've had. Does it grab you? Bore you? Does it make you want to read the script?

Cheers

JAMIE CROCKETT: EARTHBOY – IN BRIEF

Fourteen year old Jamie Crockett is a weed. Deeply asthmatic and allergic to almost everything, his life is a constant uphill struggle, not exactly aided by his bullying big brother Kyle, and the fact that the love of his life, Cat Perkins, hardly knows he even exists.

For all his physical failings though, Jamie has a brave soul. Which is just as well - because pretty soon he'll find himself on an almost suicidal intergalactic quest to save the world and everyone on it from an evil race of alien gastronomes, the dreaded Zorbians.

OUR STORY IN MORE DETAIL

50 years ago, on a food scouting mission, the intergalactic food processing giant 'Zorbian Comestibles' stumbled across an insignificant, moist little planet called 'Earth'. After sampling just about every lifeform on the planet, they found little to please their highly-advanced palates, but made a most unexpected discovery - the worst-tasting substance in the known universe. Truly foul, it surpassed even the crusty armpit of a Jerovian Tag-Wrestler. It trounced the belly-button fluff of a Vorasian Dung-Hog. Indeed, even the slimy toe-jam of a Centauriian Canker-Lizard was nothing compared to this substance…

Human ear-wax.

Director Zylo, the CEO of Zorbian Comestibles, began to hatch an evil plan - a plan that would eliminate his business rivals, McFroggles, and put Zorbian Comestibles back at the top of the food production chain, where it belonged. He would introduce harvested human earwax into McFroggles products, putting them out of business.
Over the next 50 years, millions of 'ape-cattle' - or 'humans', were unwittingly abducted and electronically 'tagged' with nasal implants, and the Zorbians left, awaiting the right time to return.

Now though, their hand has been forced. An Earthboy named Jamie Crockett has sneezed his implant out, and with the help of his crazy science teacher, Mr Bibby has uncovered the Zorbian's nefarious (and altogether disgusting) plan. The Zorbians need to get to Earth quickly and begin the earwax harvest, but first they're going to find and kill the person who has caused them such inconvenience. The person who has dared to remove the sophisticated tracking device, surgically grafted into his sinus cavity. In the not-too comforting words of Jamie's
insane Science teacher…
"The aliens are coming to get you, laddie"

ROUNDUP:

'Jamie Crockett, Earthboy' is a fast-paced sci-fi comedy romp with a tender story of unrequited love at its heart, as well as a strong underlying message that, no matter what cards you've been dealt in life, a brave and resilient outlook will always win through in the end.
Despite being a seven-stone weakling, Jamie Crockett is about to become the world's biggest hero since Superman…or at the very least, Super Ted!

SCRIPT SAMPLE OVERLEAF...

Hmm, the bullying elder brother and the girl who hardly knows he exist seem a little formulaic. Perfectly serviceable plot elements, but I would not put them so upfront in the pitch, as you want to sound fresh. To be honest though, if you are giving the kid a difficult homelife I would go a bit more social services. The Beeb like their fantasy grounded in a bit of gritty social realism. Maybe make him Asian - seriously.

On the aliens, I would hold back the whole earwax thing. Just go with how the kid is drawn into the adventure, and make it all sound intriguing. Leave the specifics of what he discovers to unfold in the script.

Just some thoughts, but I know f**k all, so probably best to ignore them.

I have no idea what a pitch is supposed to look like, or what makes good children's telly. But I do like the idea of an allergic kid sneezing out an alien implant as a way into the story. Very Hitchhikers'. To me, that's the strongest idea here.

Well for a CBBC pitch I'd drop the word "insane" and replace it with crazy or eccentric.

It's a good solid pitch and well thought out, but it seems to miss that certain "unique something." If I can fire up a few suggestions.

i They Live for kids without his implant only Jamie can see secret alien messages in adverts, school lessons etc.

N.B. earwax as a foodstuff is ace. Could pitch aliens becoming incandesent with fury at scratters picking their ears etc.

Also I'd give him 2 nemesis's one human e.g. a school bully and the other an alien as an authority figure.

Lee mate I'm gonna be totally brutal and honest.

After 3rd paragraph I started skim reading. Didn't grab me by the balls shake me around and say "THIS IS GONNA ROCK SO HARD YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO WATCH ANOTHER SHOW EVER AGAIN!" Maybethat's just my style of pitching loud and obnoxious but I like the idea mate.

Cheers for the read guys. Yes I think the pitch goes on a bit. Maybe as you say, leave the specifics of the story to the script.

This is a sample scene I'm thinking of including. It pretty-much shows the tone of the script I think. It's the scene where Jamie takes the alien implant he's sneezed out to show his science teacher, who subsequently becomes his partner in the adventure.

SCENE 5. INT. BARNTON SCHOOL SCIENCE LAB. DAY.

JAMIE STANDS IN THE DOORWAY OF THE SCIENCE CLASS, WATCHING A LAB-COATED MR BIBBY (HIS ECCENTRIC SCIENCE TEACHER) BUMBLE AROUND A LARGE SPRAWLING ARRAY OF TEST TUBES, BUNSEN BURNERS ETC.

MR BIBBY'S A STRANGE-LOOKING GUY, EVEN FOR A SCIENCE TEACHER. HIS HEAD IS BALD ON TOP, WITH TWO SEMI-CIRCLES OF BRIGHT GINGER HAIR ON EITHER SIDE OF HIS HEAD THAT – FROM A DISTANCE - GIVE THE IMPRESSION THAT HE'S WEARING A PAIR OF BRIGHT RED PROTECTIVE EARMUFFS.
HE ALSO HAS PERFECT WHITE TEETH MUCH TOO BIG FOR HIS FACE, PLUS AMAZINGLY BUSHY BLACK EYEBROWS THAT SIT PROUDLY UPON HIS FOREHEAD, LIKE TWO WIRE-HAIRED HIGHLAND TERRIERS.

JAMIE CLEARS HIS THROAT.

MR BIBBY:
(WITHOUT LOOKING UP) Aye laddie, what is it? You're too early for class, there's nobody here…

JAMIE:
Yeah I know. I…I just wondered if you'd look at something for m…

JAMIE JUMPS IN FRIGHT AS HE'S INTERRUPTED BY A SUDDEN, DEAFENINGLY HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE THAT BEGINS TO WORRYINGLY RISE IN PITCH.

MR BIBBY:
Och no again! (HURRIES OVER TO JAMIE AND GRABS HIM BY THE SHOULDERS) Do you value your fringe, laddie?

JAMIE:
W..what?

MR BIBBY:
Your fringe, your fringe boy! If you'd like to keep it, you'd do well to follow me!

WITH THE SCREAMING WHISTLE GROWING EVER-LOUDER, MR BIBBY KICKS OVER A NEARBY DESK AND DIVES BEHIND IT WITH PRACTISED EASE. JAMIE LOOKS OVER AT THE MORASS OF BUBBLING TUBES, WHICH IS NOW BEGINNING TO VIOLENTLY SHAKE ABOUT THE EXPERIMENT TABLE.
HE QUICKLY MAKES THE DECISION TO TAKE COVER WITH HIS TEACHER.

JAMIE:
Just coming!

HE DIVES BEHIND THE DESK AND COWERS THERE WITH MR BIBBY, WHO SMILES AT HIM WITH HIS BIG TEETH.

MR BIBBY:
Don't worry boy! If it goes completely wrong, your death will be swift and painless.

JAMIE:
Really?

MR BIBBY:
Aye. Well…mostly.

AS THE WHISTLE REACHES ITS CRESCENDO, THERE'S A WEAK, ALMOST DISSAPPOINTING "POP" SOUND.

MR BIBBY:
(BEAMING) Well blow a gale up my kilt! How fascinating! (PEERING OVER THE TOP OF THE DESK) There's usually this enormous…

THERE'S A SUDDEN INTENSE BRIGHT WHITE FLASH, AS IF A HUNDRED CAMERAS HAVE ALL GONE OFF AT ONCE.

MR BIBBY:
…flash.

HE TURNS TO LOOK AT JAMIE. FROM THE NOSE UP, HIS FACE IS A BRILLIANT SHADE OF ANGRY SUNBURN-RED, AND JUST ABOVE ONE INTENSE, BULGING EYE SITS ONE TATTERED AND FORLORN-LOOKING EYEBROW, ALREADY IN MOURNING FOR THE PASSING OF ITS BLACK, BUSHY PARTNER.
HE RESTS HIS HANDS ON JAMIE'S SHOULDERS.

MR BIBBY:
Tell me straight, laddie. My eyebrows. How are my eyebrows? Are they still as lush and bounteous as the wild heather that grows on the rugged foothills of Ben Lomond? Could they still provide adequate shelter for a medium-sized family of puffins? How are my beautiful eyebrows? Come on now, I can take it."

JAMIE SWALLOWS NERVOUSLY.

JAMIE:
Well…you've still got one sir. Well…nearly a whole one, anyway.

MR BIBBY:
One, you say?

JAMIE NODS.

MR BIBBY:
I see. And there's no way you could be mistaken? You've no…counted them wrong?

JAMIE SHAKES HIS HEAD.

MR BIBBY:
Ah. My next question is very important indeed, laddie. Which one…which…

JAMIE:
Which one was burned off you mean?

MR BIBBY CHEWS HIS KNUCKLES IN ANGUISH.

MR BIBBY:
Aye! Come on, out with it, I cannae stand the suspense!

JAMIE:
The left one sir.

MR BIBBY EXHALES A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF AND TOUCHES HIS ONE REMAINING EYEBROW.

MR BIBBY:
Oh that's alright then! (STROKING HIS EYEBROW) Oh thank the Lord you're safe Angus. Your brother Douglas will be back in a few days time, right as rain.

HE STROKES HIS EYEBROW, WHICH TO JAMIE'S SURPRISE ARCHES ITS BACK LIKE A CAT AND PURRS.

JAMIE:
You…name your eyebrows?

MR BIBBY:
Aye. Does that surprise you?

JAMIE THINKS FOR A SECOND.

JAMIE:
Actually, no.

MR BIBBY:
(JUMPING TO HIS FEET) Good! First class! Excellent!

HE WHIPS OFF HIS LAB COAT AND THROWS IT ACROSS THE ROOM. IT SAILS ACROSS THE CLASSROOM AND LANDS PERFECTLY ON THE COAT STAND NEAR THE DOOR.

MR BIBBY:
Whoooooah! Fifteen years teaching at this school, and that's the first time I've ever managed to do that, Fifteen years! Did I look cool? I did, didn't I? And look! My experiment worked too!

HE PICKS UP A SMOKING LUMP OF GREY METAL FROM A DISH AND THRUSTS IT BENEATH JAMIE'S NOSE.

JAMIE:
What is it?

MR BIBBY:
What is it? Why it's my wife's wedding ring, boy! Don't you see? I've succeeded in turning the purest gold into common lead! I'm the first reverse-alchemist in history! Imagine the benefits to the pencil-making industry. I'll be rich beyond my wildest dreams! I may even be able to buy those tartan bell-bottom loon pants I saw in Sauchiehall Street in 1973. Oh, fantastic flares they were, laddie. Like two huge flappy kilts sewn together! I do hope they havenae sold them.

HE EYES JAMIE WITH A WHIMSICAL GRIN, WHO'S STILL COWERING BEHIND THE DESK.

MR BIBBY:
You know, seems to me you might just be a wee lucky charm. (THRUSTS HAND OUT) Put your paw there, boy.

JAMIE TAKES HIS HAND AND IS IMMEDIATELY YANKED TO HIS FEET.

MR BIBBY:
So laddie. What was it you wanted to show me?

- eccentric teacher
- test tubes and bunsen burners
- funny-looking scientist
- alchemy

In ten years, Richard Dawkins will be writing articles blaming you for the country's lack of qualified young scientists.

As for the script - I can visualise it perfectly and I reckon it would work really well.

What age group is it aimed at?

Quite a nice little extract. So is the Teacher going to be the panicing useless one of group?

[quote name="Lee Henman" post="468818" date="August 4 2009, 5:06 PM BST"]I don't post all that often on here but I was just wondering if you guys would cast your peepers over this pitch for a kids' comedy idea I've had. Does it grab you?
OUR STORY IN MORE DETAIL

Sorry Lee head full of flu at th emoment... hoping not that kind. Just saw this. Will have a squizz tommorrow hopefully when I am more compes.

At the moment it seems too much geared towards just boys. Girls don't mind boys being the central character (unlike boys) but they'll want a good strong sympathetic girl to root for too IMO.

I like this it's got strong characters, feels self contained and is funny. But I agree with Dolly a strong female character is a must.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ August 4 2009, 6:43 PM BST

- eccentric teacher
- test tubes and bunsen burners
- funny-looking scientist
- alchemy

In ten years, Richard Dawkins will be writing articles blaming you for the country's lack of qualified young scientists.

As for the script - I can visualise it perfectly and I reckon it would work really well.

What age group is it aimed at?

View original

Age group about 10-15 I'd say. But I'm hoping it'd be one of those kids shows that's intelligent enough for adults to watch too.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ August 4 2009, 7:05 PM BST

At the moment it seems too much geared towards just boys. Girls don't mind boys being the central character (unlike boys) but they'll want a good strong sympathetic girl to root for too IMO.

View original

Yes there are no female characters in this scene. I do have a strong female character though who joins Jamie on his quest.

Quote: Marc P @ August 4 2009, 6:49 PM BST

[quote name="Lee Henman" post="468818" date="August 4 2009, 5:06 PM BST"]I don't post all that often on here but I was just wondering if you guys would cast your peepers over this pitch for a kids' comedy idea I've had. Does it grab you?
OUR STORY IN MORE DETAIL

Sorry Lee head full of flu at th emoment... hoping not that kind. Just saw this. Will have a squizz tommorrow hopefully when I am more compes.

View original

Ta fella.

Quote: Gavin @ August 4 2009, 6:46 PM BST

Quite a nice little extract. So is the Teacher going to be the panicing useless one of group?

View original

Not at all, the teacher is a genius, albeit a clinically-insane one. Mad scientists. Gotta love 'em.

The script extract is very good, funny and nicely realised. Liked it.

Enjoyed and easily visualized the script extract.

Only thing I'd say is would a 15 year old watch it? But that's neither here or there.

I thought the scene was terrific fun - it sold me far more than the pitch.