Untitled Sitcom (first three scenes)

Here is the first three scenes of a sitcom i am working on. The story is of two friends who meet. One is engaged, has a great job, etc, basically has a great, and getting better, life. The other, however, is going down the spout. They get drunk, and wake up six months later to find they have been arrested. Neither has a clue what happened, and throughout the series they will be trying to discover the details of their great binge. So without further delay, READ:

SCENE 1
EXT. STREET/OUTSIDE PUB [NIGHT - 11:40PM approx]

SCREEN GRAPHIC: “6 Months Ago”

DAVID IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET. NEVILLE IS STANDING IN THE PUB DOORWAY AS DAVID PASSES BY. NEVILLE NOTICES DAVID.

NEVILLE:
(QUIETLY) Dave? (SHOUTING AFTER DAVID) DAVE!

DAVID TURNS AROUND TO SEE NEVILLE AND LOOKS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED TO SEE HIM.

DAVID:
Nev? NEV!

BOTH CHARACTERS RUSH TOWARDS EACH OTHER AND SHAKE HANDS VIGOROUSLY.

NEVILLE:
Mate! How long’s it been?

DAVID:
Oh, ages, last time a I remember seeing you was at that guys wedding a few months back.

NEVILLE:
What guy?

DAVID:
You know, the fat annoying bloke, what’s his name?

NEVILLE:
The last wedding I was at was my own …

DAVID:
No (SNAPS FINGERS TRYING TO REMEMBER) Mark Green?

NEVILLE:
Oh yes, now I remember. The father of the bride had Parkinson’s disease, he kept dropping his wine glass.

DAVID:
How is your Mandy anyway?

NEVILLE:
The missus? Doesn’t exist anymore.

DAVID:
(SHOCKED) She never?

NEVILLE:
What? No, if only. She’s divorcing me.

DAVID:
What for?

NEVILLE:
As far as I can tell, she was intimidated by how other women acted around me, I mean, all her friends, her family, my ex-girlfriends, every lady in town, they all hated my guts. I guess it put her off. Still, a little bit of freedom, ey?

DAVID:
Yes, that’s why you are out so late.

NEVILLE:
Yeah. Plus I live with my parents, and they lock the door at 10, so, I have no choice really. So how are you? Still with Kelly?

DAVID:
Yes, we just got engaged actually.

NEVILLE:
Really? Well done son. I always saw something there between you and Kelly that me and Mandy never had. You had … it … that’s all I can do to describe what you have with Kelly … it.

DAVID:
But me and Kelly have never been computer literate.

NEVILLE:
No, no, no. I mean, there was always a spark with you and Kelly.

DAVID:
Really? Was something spilled?

NEVILLE:
No! Like, sort of, a chemistry.

DAVID:
Wouldn’t computers fall under physics?

NEVILLE:
No, forget computers, forget “it” for the moment. So, you are engaged, you planning a stag night?

DAVID:
No, probably not. I don’t want anything big.

NEVILLE:
Alright then, how about I buy you a drink?

DAVID:
What?

NEVILLE:
Nothing big, just a drink or two, a mini-stag night. Actually, a stag hour. What do you say?

DAVID:
Well, I don’t see the harm of it.

DAVID AND NEVILLE WALK INSIDE THE BAR.

SCENE 2
INT. PUB [NIGHT - 11:45PM approx]

DAVID AND NEVILLE WALK THROUGH THE BAR TO AN EMPTY TABLE. DAVID SITS DOWN AND PULLS OUT HIS MOBILE PHONE.

NEVILLE:
What do you fancy?

DAVID:
I’ll have whatever you’re having.

NEVILLE GOES TO THE BAR TO GET THE DRINKS IN WHILE DAVID TYPES OUT A TEXT MESSAGE ON HIS PHONE.

PHONE:
Bumpd into old frend wont b 2 long luv Dave x

NEVILLE ARRIVES AT THE TABLE WITH TWO PINTS AND SITS DOWN.

DAVID:
Cheers Nev. I thought you gave up drinking?

NEVILLE:
No, Mandy made me stop, now that I am free I can drink all I want. And that’s not all, I was smoking out there.

DAVID:
But you don’t smoke.

NEVILLE:
Exactly, Mandy made me not smoke, but now I am rid of her.

DAVID:
I mean you’ve never smoked, ever, even before Mandy.

NEVILLE:
It doesn’t matter, she hates people who smoke and I am making sure I get on her nerves.

DAVID:
Have you told her you drink and smoke again?

NEVILLE:
Oh God no. But here’s something else. Look what I am wearing. Pink shirt with the top three buttons undone, no tie, a blue jacket, dark jeans, this gold chain, and this gold watch.

DAVID:
Yes, very slutty. Did Mandy always make you wear sensible clothes then?

NEVILLE:
No, this is just my way of handling the depression. Come, you don’t seriously think I would dress like this if I was happy do you? I don’t even have any hairs on my chest. Because Mandy made me wax it.

DAVID:
Don’t worry about it, some men a better single, and you are one of them. You don’t need another person to make you whole, you are one independent player of the love game and it is the straight road for you from now on.

NEVILLE STARTS CRYING AND SLAMS HIS HEAD ON THE TABLE SURFACE.

DAVID:
(SHOUTING TO BAR) Same again over here please.

NEVILLE:
(WITH HEAD IN ARMS) I just need to drown my sorrows in a sea of alcohol and kebab fat. Dave (LIFTING PINT GLASS) will you join me?

DAVID:
Well, I’ve always been a good swimmer (PICKS UP GLASS AND TAPS IT AGAINST NEVILLE’S). Bottoms up I suppose.

BOTH CHARACTERS DOWN THEIR DRINKS AS THE SECOND ROUND ARRIVES AT THEIR TABLE. THE SCREEN GOES BLURRY.

SCENE 3
INT. OLD/ABANDONED HOUSE [DAY - 9:30AM approx]

SCREEN GRAPHIC: “Present Day”

DAVID IS ON HIS BACK ASLEEP. HE SLOWLY WAKES UP AND IS SHOCKED BY A GROUP OF POLICE OFFICERS SURROUNDING HIM.

DAVID:
(CONFUSED MUMBLINGS)

PC HOOVER:
David Michael Evans?

DAVID:
(CONFUSED MUMBLINGS)

PC HOOVER:
Are you David Michael Evans?

DAVID:
(CONFUSED MUMBLINGS) Yes, don’t speak so loud. My head really hurts.

PC HOOVER:
Do you confirm that you are David Michael Evans of Hartlepool?

DAVID:
Yes. For Christ’s sake, yes.

PC HOOVER:
Of Hartlepool?

DAVID:
Yes!

PC HOOVER:
Born April 23rd 1976?

DAVID:
Yes!

PC HOOVER:
Of Hartlepool?

DAVID:
YES!

PC HOOVER:
Aged 31?

DAVID:
(ANGRILY) You’ve just bloody told me my date of birth!

PC HOOVER:
(STERNLY) Aged 31?

DAVID:
Yes!

PC HOOVER:
Right. I am arresting you on charges of drunken disorderly, drink driving, possession of drugs, aiding and accompanying armed robbery, fraud, smuggling illegal goods into the country, and stealing a police officer’s helmet. You have the right to remain silent, yadda yadda yadda, your sort have heard all this before. We will now take you to police headquarters, can you stand?

DAVID:
I can’t stand you. And when did all of this happen.

PC HOOVER:
Well, the helmet you stole was mine, and we found it this morning in the corner of this room filled with your vomit.

DAVID:
Couldn’t have happened to a nicer man.

SOME POLICE OFFICERS LAUGH.

PC HOOVER:
(LOOKING AT THE LAUGHING POLICE OFFICERS) Stop your cackling and help him up.

THE GROUP OF POLICE OFFICERS HELP DAVID ONTO HIS FEET. PC HOOVER STEPS FORWARD TO CONFRONT DAVID.

PC HOOVER:
Are you aware of the date and time?

DAVID:
Sure, it must be August 8th 2007 and (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) twenty three minutes to ten.

PC HOOVER:
Wrong, it is February 4th 2008, and if that isn’t bad enough your watch is four minutes late.

DAVID:
Sorry, we haven’t been formally introduced, you are?

PC HOOVER:
If you must know, I am Police Constable Hoover.

DAVID:
(GOES TO LAUGH)

PC HOOVER:
No jokes, no laughter regarding my name Mr Evans.

DAVID:
Okay, I’ll suck it up.

POLICE OFFICERS LAUGH.

PC HOOVER:
Get him to the station.

It can't be too bad because I want to read on and find out more! I love the "suck it up" line. It has potential, but I want more of it before I say whether I like the characters etc.

That's a good sign then. I'll get more up once it is written, but my two main characters, and one semi-main character, have been introduced already.

You have Neville, who's life is pretty much going down the spout, and the binge was probably the best thing in his life for a long time.

You have his friend, David, who is a pretty nice sensible guy with a good life ahead of him, and this binge would possibly ruin his life.

And you have PC Hoover, who i don't really have many ideas for just yet, but i see him as a sort of a Mr MacKay crossed with a Rimmer.

I'd like more feedback if anyone has it to offer. Thanks.

First thing to do- contractions. "I'm" instead of "I am" and so on. The written dialogue reads quicker and the spoken dialogue flows better.

Hey man, great start. I want to read more too. I think the "it" and computers section is a bit weak, but all the rest, the concept and characters are great. Good job.

The 'it' is really weak. Cut that completely. With the copper speaking the way he does it reminds me of that BBC Three show with the two burglars. Can't think of its name now.

Where could you go after six episodes of remembering what happened? Would you have to change direction or would the six be enough?

I was desperate to get a joke in, and "it" was all i could think of. I'll think of something to replace it with.

And to answer your question, where would it go? That would be assuming they even figure out EVERYTHING they did. I see it as at the start of each episode they vaguely remember something, or they are told something, and by the end they know the full details of what they did in that one situation. But then in the next episode they discover something else has happened. Imagine if you will that they discover that they sold dodgy food to a gang of obese inmates a few months earlier, they sort that out, and then they discover they got married to some unknown promiscuous ladies in Vegas, they get to the bottom of that, then they realise they became extras in a Bollywood movie. It builds into obscurity, but there really is no limit to how many storylines i can get in. Though, admittedly, it would just get repetitive if i did write a second series, but the likeliness of that is slim. Either way, i imagine they'd still be in prison by the end of the series anyway.

A lot of sitcom episodes/stories have revolved around characters waking up the next morning and not remembering the night before; it's believable. The problem I have is that its a bit far fetched that they've been pissed for 6 months or at least have very hazy details of that period.

It could start as being pissed and lead to all sorts of weird things like military testing, drug trials etc that wipes their memories.

Yeah, that could work. I was thinking when I first read it that alien abduction could be partly to blame for the missing time.

With your explanation, it sounds as though it could have shades of My Name Is Earl.

Love it Walker. Strange I normally cant be bothered to read sitcoms scripts but in the mood at the moment.

I laughed a fair few times but the concept seems a bit done "dude wheres my car" and it surely couldnt be stretched to a whole series could it?

but either way good written piece