7 Midgets

(Knock on door)

DOC

Hello. Yes. Hello.

KELVIN

Kelvin Day. Social services. We've heard rumours sir, that you've been kidnapped.

DOC

That's right. Yes, seven of us. It's been years.

KELVIN

Ok, and what's your name, little man?

DOC

My name? Oh. I can't remember. She calls me Doc, but that's only because I wear these f**king glasses.

KELVIN

Who calls you Doc?

DOC
Snow pissing White.

KELVIN

Snow White?

DOC

That's right. Keeping us locked away in this little hovel in the woods. She's trying to brainwash us. The credit crunch has f**ked her right up. I think she's trying to make a sequel.

KELVIN

Can she draw?

DOC

What? Listen – she's bending us to her will – forcing us into these identities and that.

KELVIN

Like how, Doc?

DOC

Well, Dopey's Dopey because of his marijuana habit. It's Happy who's the twat.

KELVIN

Right - anything else?

DOC

She washes Sneezy's night cap in Daz, he's allergic to the stuff, and she sleeps him next to f**king sleepy. He doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

KELVIN

How about Grumpy?

DOC

Well I wonder how you'd feel, Kelvin, if some pasty faced bitch had castrated you so you could sing on her birthdays.

KELVIN

Oh. F**k. And Bashful?

DOC

Who?

KELVIN

Bashful?

DOC

Oh, you mean Bastard? Well, he's fighting the good fight Kelvin, but he's up against it.

KELVIN

Hmm. It really is quite a story.

DOC

Yes; but now you're here, maybe we can escape this hell hole and get back to...

KELVIN(..on phone)

Hello? The Sun? I've a story for you. 'Tiny midget crack whores come to our country and gang rape our virgins. (Puts phone down) Now f**k off.

(BEAT)

Snow White enters

SNOW WHITE

Now, my little beauties, that would sell.

I liked the initial premise, and again there were some nice bits in there, but the ending didn't really do it for me.

Yes, the premise is very good. Here's my take on it:
________________________________________________________________________________

INT. FAIRY TALE CAVE. DAY

DOC, ONE OF THE SEVEN DWARFS IS WHISTLING WHILE HE WORKS.

FX. KNOCK ON DOOR

DOC GOES TO DOOR AND OPENS IT. KELVIN DAY, A CHIRPY, SUITED YOUNG MAN SMILES BROADLY AT DOC.

DOC:
Yes?

KELVIN:
Kelvin Day. Social Services. Vertically Challenged Division.

DOC:
Hi

KELVIN:
You're a dwarf - right?

DOC:
Yes, one of seven.

KELVIN:
And you are?

DOC:
Two foot one.

KELVIN:
I mean your name.

DOC:
Arthur Blumgarten - but she calls me Doc 'cos I wear glasses

KELVIN:
Who's she?

DOC:
Snow White

KELVIN:
I said who - not what does she look like.

DOC:
That's her name, Snow White. Her father was Chalky.

KELVIN:
So what's all this about you being kidnapped?

DOC:
Well, she's kept us locked up in this Disneyesque hovel and she's trying to brainwash us.

KELVIN:
In what way?

DOC:
The credit crunch got to her. She's broke.

KELVIN:
So?

DOC:
She wants to make a sequel - 'Snow White And The Seven Deadly Sins'.

KELVIN:
Porn?

DOC:
Eighteenth of March, nineteen sixty-two.

KELVIN:
I said porn - is it pornographic?

DOC:
Not yet, but it could get that way – she's forcing us into unsavoury characters.

KELVIN:
How?

DOC:
Well, Dopey's Dopey 'cos he smokes marijuana. Sneezy uses 'a - tissue' after sex. Bashful, 'cos he bashes the bishop and --

KELVIN:
(INTERRUPTS) Enough, already - I haven't had sex for a month. You're making me randy

DOC:
But can you help us escape this hell hole, it's ---

KELVIN IGNORES DOC, FLICKS OPEN HIS MOBILE AND SPEAKS INTO IT

KELVIN:
Sun Newsdesk? Great! Have I got a story for you! Ready? -- Walt Disney crack-whore grooms asylum-seeking midgets for gang-bang snuff movie!

KELVIN LOOKS UP SUDDENLY AS HE SEES SNOW WHITE GRACEFULLY ENTER FROM A SIDE ROOM

SNOW WHITE LOOKS KELVIN UP AND DOWN LUSTFULLY.

SNOW WHITE:
Ah - you must be Rocky.

KELVIN:
Eh?

SNOW WHITE:
The guy who's going to f**k Doc with his twelve-inch cock!

DOC RUNS OUT AS SNOW WHITE ADVANCES TOWARD A NERVOUS KELVIN

________________________________________________________________________________

Morrace - some of that is cracking!!

What happens now though?! I can't rework the scene without thinking of your ideas! Can I use some and give you writing credit should it get anywhere?

Cracking stuff.

Lee & Herring did something similar on the radio years ago. I think Dopey had undiagnosed dyslexia, Happy was just a bit simple, etc.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ July 31 2009, 1:25 PM BST

Lee & Herring did something similar on the radio years ago. I think Dopey had undiagnosed dyslexia, Happy was just a bit simple, etc.

View original

Everyone but has 'similar' ideas, Kevin; like say 'trainers in Heaven' for example? ('in' joke folks)

I stand on the shoulders on giants, Morrace.

(well, maybe I sit on their laps, but I'm getting there)

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ July 31 2009, 2:44 PM BST

I stand on the shoulders on giants, Morrace.

(well, maybe I sit on their laps, but I'm getting there)

View original

________________________________________________________________________________

OK - done as a radio sketch and nicking some of Morrace's excellent bits.

DOC:
(Whistles mournfully) Hi ho, Hi ho..

FX. KNOCK ON DOOR

DOC:
Bloody Hell. Yes?

KELVIN:
Kelvin Day. Social Services. Particularly Pint-Sized People Division.

DOC:
Oh yes, at last. Hi

KELVIN:
You're a dwarf - right?

DOC:
Yes, one of seven.

KELVIN:
And you are?

DOC:
Two foot one.

KELVIN:
I mean your name.

DOC:
I can't really remember. I mean, she calls me Doc but that's only because I wear these bleeding glasses.

KELVIN:
And she is?

DOC:
A complete bitch.

KELVIN:
No, I mean what's her name.

DOC:
Snow White.

KELVIN:
(Sarcastic) Aha.

DOC:
Look, descriptive as it might be, that's her bloody name and she's bloody kidnapped the bloody lot of us.

KELVIN:
Prank calls to Social Services are illegal, Mr. Doc.

DOC:
It's not a prank, you prick, look at the size of me. We must be entitled to some benefits. She uses me as a bath plug.

KELVIN:
And why does she do that?

DOC:
Because she lost the other one. Look, she keeps us here under lock and key and she's trying to brainwash us. She's forcing us into these identities and that.

KELVIN:
In what way?

DOC:
Well, take Dopey. Dopey's only Dopey because of the marijuana habit she's given him. It's Happy who's the twat..

KELVIN:
Right - anything else?

DOC:
She washes Sneezy's night cap in Daz, he's allergic to the stuff, and she sleeps him next to f**king Sleepy, and he doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

KELVIN:
How about Grumpy?

DOC:
Well I wonder how you'd feel, Kelvin, if some pasty faced bitch had castrated you so you could sing on her birthdays.

KELVIN:
Oh, Blimey. And Bashful?

DOC:
Who?

KELVIN:
Bashful?

DOC:
Oh, you mean Bastard? Well, he's fighting the good fight Kelvin, but he's up against it.

KELVIN:
Why's she doing all this?

DOC:
Credit Crunch. She's skint - she wants us to do a sequel.

KELVIN:
(Sarcastic) Can she draw?

DOC:
It's not a laughing matter. If you're not going to help us with any benefits, then I guess we're all bloody trapped then, aint we?

KELVIN:
Where is she now?

DOC:
Scrumping.

(Beat)

KELVIN:
Well the door is open, you could just leave?

(Beat)

DOC:

Listen mate, when you're a dwarf them tits are massive.

__________________[/quote]

Nice one. I liked:

KELVIN:
And she is?

DOC:
A complete bitch.

Also liked:

"She uses me as a bath plug"
"Listen mate, when you're a dwarf them tits are massive"

I didn't like:

"She washes Sneezy's night cap in Daz", etc or "bitch had castrated", etc.

Also, I think you've made 'Doc' too aggressive. He's been kidnapped remember. As you've written him, I don't think he'd let 'some pasty faced bitch' kidnap him!

Overall though; excellent re-re-write!

Interesting thoughts there Morrace

I really appreciate the help on this on - it's far better now and I'll think about what you've said.

By the by - 'two foot one' line made me snort tea.

Quote: Mark Froggett @ July 31 2009, 8:01 PM BST

By the by - 'two foot one' line made me snort tea.

View original

Good. It's a lot cheaper than cocaine.