T.W.
Friday 31st July 2009 3:10am [Edited]
15,786 posts
This is the type of letter with which one might approach a TV comedy production company...
Dear Self-serving Motherf**ker,
I know you don't usually accept unsolicited scripts. Then again I don't remember anyone (other than that dippy f**king commissioning editor) inviting YOU to deliver that god-awful sketch show last year? You send me shit through the telly, I send you shit through the post - quid pro quo. (Your PR department described said comedy miscarriage as "fresh, innovative and wildly original", so you'll forgive me if I've read the words "scripts only accepted from a recognised agency" with an equal degree of scepticism.)
The reason I have chosen to send YOU my script is that I am a MASSIVE fan of that show you produced. You know, that one years ago? Before you unwisely set up your own company? I did (naturally) sit through your most recent show as well - and should you invite me for a meeting I will gladly lick your smug scrotum and say how fantastically "brave" it was (though please try not to discuss it beyond the first episode as, let's face it, none of the critics bothered to - it would save some embarrassment for both of us).
Coincidentally, I happened to meet one of your "development executives" when he attended the Media Guardian TV Festival. Not at the actual event, of course, but late one evening in a notorious gay "bear" bar, where he propositioned me whilst boasting he could use his expenses account to buy large quantities of cocaine. If he's still in your employment (I see from your company website he's described as a "great addition to our comedy family" - so may well have been made redundant by now), I'm sure you'll find that he remembers me, how "obliging" I was, and also the intriguing comments he made about you - both as a boss and as a man (for some reason the words "Karen Taylor" and "urinary catheter" seem to spring to mind?).
I fully appreciate that a comedy production company such as yours (i.e. one not yet in liquidation) must receive far more scripts than your secretary can ever hope to burn/fly-tip. However, I think you'll find that my sitcom is trying something (hopefully!) original and innovative - it's got nothing to do with students, offices, superheroes or the f**king internet for a start! Don't be put-off by the fact it is called 'Hancock'. Nor that the lead character wears a Homburg, lives in (North!) Cheam and tends to say 'Stone me!' a lot. I am going in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT direction with the sitcom genre; plus I feel that the general public is sufficiently moronic to be ready for a new take on what (to an industry insider) might feel like old territory. I have only enclosed the pilot episode, but I have five series already written should you want to see more (yes, I'm that kind of comedy writer).
Anyway, keep up the good work (with whatever it is you actually do since the TV gravy train ran out of money). Oh - and I see that you recently signed that hot young sketch troupe from the Edinburgh Festival, Gleeful Baby Mugabe's Poo Factory - so you could probably do with reading some material which doesn't require a) the IQ of a malformed foetus, or b) the quixotic sense of humour of a serial rapist - to be considered amusing.
Yours in anticipation,
Kez Laughington
Comedy Writer (or "Typey-Typey Word Slut", as you probably know us)
P.S. I forgot to mention casting ideas! Me in the lead, obviously. I'd of course welcome any other suggestions you may have, so long as it's ME in the lead. If Dan f**king Clark gets to do it then I don't see any reason why I shouldn't.
P.P.S. I'm not on there myself, but why not check out YouTube for comedy clips? Oh, how silly of me! I forgot that that's what you do every single moment of your paltry existence, in the desperate hope of finding the "next big thing in the new wave of comedy" - you tongue-faced c**tpizzle.