Seaside trip

Hi guys...
Knocked this up in a few mins, not one of my best by far. Let me know what you think. Oh and dont be shy, i want honest and truthful, no matter how brutal.
There is always room for improvement....#

Brenda (mother), Peter (father) me 8 year old young un’, & twin brothers of 4.
Just setting out for our yearly drive to the seaside...........

Brenda…….”Pete pull over I smell burning”
Peter……….”Ohhh for god’s sake woman, every time you sit in this car you smell burning”

Brenda sniffing the air (fi fi fo fum style)

Brenda………..“Pete please, I smell burning & it is getting worse”
Peter………..“There is no damn Burning woman. How come you never smell burning in your sister’s car, or a taxi, why always in this one?
Brenda………….”It is getting worse; we are all going to burn”

Kids start to ball their scared little eyes out in the back.
Children……..“We don’t want to burn daddy” they wail..

Peter……”F**ks sake Brenda, shut them kids up I can’t concentrate on driving with all this whining & wailing”
Brenda……Shhhhhh children its ok, Daddy is going to let us all burn to death, our skin will all bubble up and tear off, because he cant be bothered to pull over & lift the bonnet, at least we will all go together though”

Masses of screams, shrieks, and balling from the children. Snotty noses and trembling lips galore.

Children……..Please Daddy, don’t burn us please”

Peter……….Look everybody be quiet! We are going to crash & die if you do not all shut up, I CANT CONCENTRATE”!!!!!!!!!!!!

Louder more hysterical squeals from the back seat.

Children…….“We don’t want to crash and die Mummy”

Peter,……..(shouts very loudly) LISTEN HERE KIDS,IF YOU DO NOT SHUT THE HELL UP WE ARE GOING TO HIT ANOTHER CAR,OUR BODIES WILL BE THROWN INTO THE ROAD, WHERE AT BEST WE WILL BE HIT AND FINISHED OFF BY AN ONCOMING TRUCK, AT WORST THROWN INTO THE AIR WHERE WE WILL BE PICKED UP BY A PTERODACTYLS WHO WLL USE US AS NOURISHMENT FOR HER YOUNG & SLOWLY PECK OUR EYES OUT”

Deafening sounds of petrified Children

Children……We don’t like pterodactyls Mummy, we don’t want to be eaten, we like our eyes”.

Peter puts the radio on to drown out the racket.
Children eventually scream themselves to the more tranquil sound of entire body shaking sobs.

Peter……”We are almost there Brenda get the map out I need directing from here”
Brenda…..”We don’t need a map Pete I know where to go” Take a left here, right at this roundabout, go left at this T junction”
Peter……”How do you know where to go Brenda?”
Brenda….”I can smell the sea”

errrr... I didn't really get this sketch... I feel the children moaning dragged on abit as well, good surreal thing going on though.

another small piece of advice, if you look at other peoples sketches on the forum and try to set your's out the same way, as your new to this I will forgive you for now hehehe, it just helps people follow the script a little better

fankoo for your comments. mucho appreciated.xxxxxxx

Not sure what to say, other than you mention that you knocked this up in a few minutes and that's how it reads. Dialogue needs some work and, as Paul said, the children's moaning dragged on a bit.

Hi Charley,
I liked it - it made me laugh, and that's the best test!
One small thing though, I would end the sketch after:
Children……We don’t like pterodactyls Mummy, we don’t want to be eaten, we like our eyes”.
I know this misses out the bit about smelling the sea, but it doesn't add much.

didnt really get what that sketch was trying to say, but whatever i could see where the jokes were but they weren't funny in my opinion and i don't believe that you knocked that up in a 'few minutes' but i hope for yor sake you did.

Ha ha.Thankyou much Dyingtolive, Well that comment made me giggle anyhoo. Honestly i did knock it up in a few mins. I am wary of putting my bestest stuff anywhere just incasey. I knocked it up for you all to comment on. Thanks for the comment and the laugh.
I do like blunt....xxxx

formatting didn't help me read through. I really liked the surreality. I thought maybe the tag wasn't the strongest but i liked the fact that the kids took the brunt of the argument. I'd have maybe continued the surreal and ended with the children crying "I'm burning, I'm burning" and running into the sea to douse the 'flames' as soon as the car stops. Perhaps screaming "pterodactyl" at passing seagulls.

Had a good feel to it with the mother trying to use the children to get at the father, and as others have said, nicely odd and surreal. Really didn't get the sea thing at all though. I was expecting the woman to have misinterpreted what she was smelling, but didn't get that, which left me feeling unsatisfied, and in all honesty a bit cheated and confused by the end of the sketch.

Still, good start.

I reckon with abit of reworking this could be quite a good sketch... keep working on it charley.

Hi Charley

I did like this and I especially the 'sea-smelling' bit at the end -- made me laugh out loud. Nice joke. I didn't think the kids went on too long as each separate moan exarcerbated the effect nicely so I thought it was good build up.

Ditto what everyone else says on the presentation though. Could do with being easier on the eye!

Thanks

Dan

Liked it one thing I thought right at the beginning

"Brenda…….”Pete pull over I smell burning”
Peter……….”Ohhh for god’s sake woman, every time you sit in this car you smell burning”"

Personally I would have him call her Brenda here then the next line when her calls her woman it's more punchy. Starts the descent into mayhem at a better angle Just my opinion

Quote: Gavin @ January 2, 2007, 1:54 PM

... descent into mayhem...

View original

I think the *best* quote and piece of advice any of us budding sitcom writers should always remember!

Thanks!

Dan

Thanks guys. Yey i need to have a look at how to write script style.I am going to devote a day to that alone.

I appreciate all the comments. Thanx again.xxxxx

I found this enjoyable too. There was something about it that appealed to me but I can't exactly put my finger on what it is.

And as some of the others have already commented, it has a nice surreal quality to it and that could be it.

For some reason I visualised the kids as small birds twittering on and on. (I really must leave those mushrooms alone)