SKIT COMP 24.7-31.7

Sorry for the delay this time and congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... GEOFF MUTTON for winnin'! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Geoff Mutton
2 - 5 - Nigel Kelly
1 - 1 - Cool Mikado, Swerytd

Your new subject: LEISURE.
Rules:
One entry per person.Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 31 July

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
96 - Chris Forshaw
83 - Cool Mikado
82 - Charley Rance
74 - Otterfox
68 - Nigel Kelly
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
56 - Timbo
54 - Michael Monkhouse
35 - Afinkawan
31 - Paul Watson
31 - Fred Sunshine
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
22 - Leevil
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Swerytd
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Roscoff
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Geoff Mutton
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Bushbaby
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Badge
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
o5 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Nil Putters
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Craig H
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

My entry:

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Summer Holidays

MICHAEL, STEVE, HARRY, AND FRED ARE ALL LYING DOWN IN THE PARK LOOKING UP AT THE CLOUDS

STEVE:
The first day of the summer holidays...

MICHAEL:
*The* best day of the year.

HARRY:
So many things to do and so little time to do it!

FRED:
So what are we gonna do guys?

MICHAEL:
What aren't we gonna do? We're gonna go crazy!

STEVE:
We've got so much to do and so little time to do it in.

HARRY:
My mind is buzzing with all the things we could do.

FRED:
The question is, what should we do first?

MICHAEL:
I can't even focus on one thing becasue there's so many things we've gotta do.

STEVE:
Come on then guys, lets go hit the town!

ALL:
Yeah!

THEY JUMP UP AND RUN OFF

CAPTION:
TWO MINUTES LATER

THE BOYS ARE SAT IN THE PARK LOOKING BORED

STEVE:
I'm bored.

HARRY:
I can't think of anything to to do.

MICHAEL:
We've done everything worth doing.

FRED:
How long till school starts again?

Boxymash

INT DAY. A LEISURE CENTRE
A YOUNG CUSTOMER IS SITTING IN AN OFFICE TALKING TO AN EAGER WOMAN IN A TRACK SUIT.

Man:
So, now I've joined 'Bodymatters Leisure', are there any free classes?

Woman:
Why yes, there's aqua bounce -

Man:
Cool!

SHE LEANS FORWARD AND WHISPERS

Woman:
It's for fatties.

Man:
Ah.

SHE LEANS BACK.

Woman:
Lard arses. Oh, and there's speed yoga, trance yoga and perineal healing.

Man:
Any more?

Woman:
After something more..manly are we?

Man:
Well, yeah.

HE STRAIGHTENS UP AND FLEXES HIS MUSCLES AS HE SAYS THIS.

Woman:
How about BOXYMASH?

Man:
Boxymash? Sounds… yeah, go on, book me in.

Woman:
Tuesday 6.30, wear old clothes.

FADE TO BLACK. SOUNDS OF PUNCHING AND SQUELCHING. COME UP ON THE MAN BEING REPEATEDLY PUNCHED IN THE FACE IN A PIT OF MASHED POTATO. AS HE FALLS INTO THE MASH, THE REFEREE BLOWS TO STOP THE BOUT.

Referee:
OK, Let's stop this and swap. here's your next opponent.

THE CAMERA TILTS UP A COLOSSAL BEEFCAKE OF A MAN, WHO SMILES MENACINGLY.
FADE TO THE BLOOD-SOAKED AND MASH-CAKED MAN GOING THROUGH THE DOOR OF HIS HOUSE. THE VOICE OF A WOMAN (HIS WIFE) CAN BE HEARD FROM THE NEXT ROOM.

Wife:
Hi darling, are you hungry? I've made you bangers and mash.

THE MAN STARES AT THE CAMERA, BREATHING DEEPLY.

FADE TO BLACK.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY.

DORIS and AUDREY sipping tea.

AUDREY: So, how's your Jack?

DORIS: Oh, he's coming to terms with retirement and the amount of leisure time he now has.

AUDREY: Good. What's he up to then?

DORIS: He'll be in his shed. He spends ages in there. So much so, that he's had a 'phone extension installed!

AUDREY: Really?

DORIS: Yes, I'll call him to tell him you're here, although he doesn't like to be disturbed when he's busy.

DORIS DIALS FROM HER 'PHONE

DORIS: [To JACK] Hello dear, just calling to tell you Audrey's here.[BEAT][To AUDREY]He's very busy doing some woodwork.

AUDREY: Oh, what's he making, something nice?

DORIS: [To JACK] What are you making?[BEAT][To AUDREY] He's making a portable.

AUDREY: Oh, I say. A portable. A portable what?

DORIS: [To JACK] A portable what?[BEAT][To AUDREY] He doesn't know, he's only made the handle so far....

END.

RICH, IAIN AND STEVE ARE SAT ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV. JILL ENTERS.

JILL: "You guys haven't moved all day! Just because you're not working doesn't mean you can't do something with your time!"

RICH: *Grunts*

JILL: "I'm serious - all you do day in, day out is sit on this couch watching TV."

RICH: "What are you talking about? We had that Halloween party last week"

FLASHBACK TO RICH, IAIN AND STEVE SAT IN SAME POSITIONS, WATCHING TV, BUT EACH WEARING SHODDILY MADE HALLOWEEN OUTFITS.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Two of the men in black are stood in front of a small crowd.

AGENT1
And now I'm afraid our alien adventure has come to an end.

The two agents put their sunglasses on and one holds up a little box. It flashes. The crowd look a little dazed.

MAN
(Confused)
But I can still remember everything??

AGENT1
Of course you can.(BEAT) Do you want to get in this next one Agent Cooper?

Agent2 goes and poses with a big cheesy grin next to the group while agent1 winds the flash on.

INT. LEISURE CENTER.DAY

AGEING BUSINESSMAN MICHAEL PUMP AND HIS YOUNG ASSOCIATE JEFF ARE JOGGING SIDE BY SIDE ON RUNNING MACHINES. AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN DRESSED IN LYCRA WALKS PAST THEM

MICHAEL
Pat-Pong! There's a fine looking filly, eh Jeff?

JEFF
Fancy your chances Michael?

MICHAEL
Hang on a sec let me show you something Jeff

MICHAEL STOPS HIS MACHINE, PULLS HIS SHORTS AND UNDERPANTS DOWN OUT AND TURNS TO SHOW A HORRIFIED LOOKING JEFF HIS GENITALS

MICHAEL
I've got this rash because I insist on using the roughest whore's Kings Cross has to offer

JEFF (turning his machine off)
Why?

MICHAEL
Come on Jeff, use your head! Wooing a woman takes time and time is money. That rash Jeff is money in my pocket!

MICHAEL PUTS HIMSELF AWAY, PICKS UP A BOTTLE OF MINERAL WATER AND TURNS HIS MACHINE BACK ON AGAIN

MICHAEL
Cheers!

JEFF LOOKS ON BEWILDERED AS MICHAEL TAKES A SWIG OF DRINK THEN GRIMACES SLIGHTLY AND ADJUSTS HIS SHORTS AS IF HIS RASH IS AFFECTING HIM

MICHAEL (to no one in particular)
Money in my pocket

INT. DAY. LARGE BOXING GYM.

SIX BOXING RINGS ARE SITUATED BESIDE ONE ANOTHER.

IN EACH RING THERE IS A LONE BOXER AND A REF.

THE LONE BOXERS ARE PUNCHING THEMSELVES.

A COUPLE OF BOXERS ARE STRUGGLING TO GET UP AS THE REFS GIVE A TEN COUNT.

CAMERA TILTS UP TO BANNER THAT SAYS: 'UNIBOX – KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.'

BLOKE 1: I got two, How many you got?

BLOKE 2: I got one. I had two, but now I got one.

BLOKE 1: Whatcha gonna do?

BLOKE 2: Think I'll have it off, what about you?

BLOKE I: I'm thinkin about it. Cost me packet last time.

BLOKE 2: Yeah, I know watcha mean. Still, with only one it'll be cheaper for me.

BLOKE 1: I suppose I could drop one and come with you, I could afford that.

BLOKE 2: Can we both have it off at the same time?

Bloke 1: Jill and Caren did.

BLOKE 2: Yeah, but when Dave and Rick tried they wouldn't let them.

BLOKE 1: Are they Gay?

BLOKE 2: Dunno. Just know they tried but couldn't get anyone to fill there gaps
for them.

BLOKE 1: Have you filled anyone's gap?

BLOKE 2: Yeah, I filled Bernie's.

BLOKE 1: Maybe he'd fill yours for you.

BLOKE 2: No good. He'll be filling Samantha's.

BLOKE 1: I filled her gap for her last July, piece a cake.

BLOKE 2: Bollocks, it's too complicated. I've changed me mind.

BLOKE 1: Yeah, me too, watcha gonna do?

BLOKE 2: Work through me holiday and score a bit of double-bubble.

BLOKE 1: In this company planning holidays is a pain in the arse.

EXT. DAY - GARDEN

TWO TOPLESS WOMEN LAY SUNBATHING. A MAN'S HEAD POPS UP FROM BEHIND THE FENCE AND AND BOBS DOWN AGAIN.

FX: BOING [SOUND OF TRAMPOLINE IN GARDEN NEXT DOOR]

WOMAN 1: Didn't your neighbour send his children swimming today?

FX: BOING

WOMAN 2: Yeah he did.

FX: BOING

WOMAN 1: Pervert.

END

INT. DAY - ENTRANCE HALL

A SHORT HAIRED WOMAN IN JEANS AND BOOTS WALKS UP TO THE INFORMATION DESK.

RECEPTIONIST
Good morning, and how can we help you today?

WOMAN
Hello, I'd like some pussy action.

RECEPTIONIST
I beg your pardon!

WOMAN
You know!? A drink from the furry cup.

RECEPTIONIST
I really must ask you to watch your language Miss.

WOMAN (annoyed)
Just show me where I can get some lady love please!

RECEPTIONIST
Security!

EXT. DAY - ENTRANCE/EXIT

THE WOMAN IS EJECTED FROM THE BUILDING BY TWO HEAVY SET MEN AND FALLS AT A MANS FEET. LOOKING UP SHE SEES A SHEEPISH LOOKING SOOTYJ REMOVING A "LEZZER CENTRE" SIGN.

A TEN PIN BOWLING ALLEY. THE BOWLING CLUB FOR THE BLIND HAVE HIRED A LANE AND ARE PLAYING.

THEY HAVE THE CUSTOMARY DARK GLASSES. CHRIS THE CARE ASSISTANT IS WATCHING AS THEY REGULARLY MISS THE PINS BUMP INTO ONE ANOTHER AND FALL OVER.

HE IS SUDDENLY AWARE OF SOMEONE STANDING BEHIND HIM. HE IS ALSO WEARING DARK GLASSES.

Chris: Oh hello can I help you?

Dave: Hi. Yes. I'm Dave and I'd like to join your club.

Chris: Brilliant! I'm Chris and we're always looking for new members. Have you played ten pin bowling before? You're quite welcome to join us and it's a good way to meet other members.

Dave: I love bowling, it's probably my favourite sport.

Chris: There's a ten pound prize today as well for the best bowler so go for it! Now let me help you and we'll go and get you a ball.

CHRIS GUIDES DAVE TO A BALL AND THEN LEADS HIM TO A ROPE MARKING THE MIDDLE OF THE LANE.

Chris: Now you hold on to this as you're moving forward and when you reach the knot bowl the ball.

Dave: Are you sure about this?

Chris: Oh yes.

DAVE BOWLS AND HAS A STRIKE. THEN ANOTHER AND ANOTHER.

SOME TIME LATER DAVE SITS DOWN WITH CHRIS BREATHLESS.

Chris: Quite remarkable. I've never seen anything like it. Here's your ten pounds.

Dave: Thanks Chris. It's been great. Are all Roy Orbison Fan clubs this friendly?

DVDelight

A living room.
DAVE is watching his favourite DVD…

DAVE This is great this, I really…

GRATING VOICE This was a very difficult scene to make actually.

DAVE (jump) Who the hell are you?

VOICE I am Frances the director and this is my DVD commentary.

DAVE Shut up!

VOICE Now there's a fascinating anecdote attached to this scene. The producer was a real stickler was punctuality and when we did this sequence one of the actors – that's him now – yerse he was three seconds late on set but by a curious coincidence the producer had been to a party the previous evening so did himself arrive four seconds late and would probably've turned a blind eye to it anyroads.

DAVE Go AWAY!

PAUSE.

DAVE That's better… (moved) This scene's so beautiful, (sob) it's so moving, every time I see it I just…

VOICE Yerse it's one of my favourites too…

DAVE You bastard, you've just ruined my…

VOICE It was my idea to use a special digital camera to highlight the tears on the heroine's cheeks and we felt it was a simply marvellous touch…

DAVE Right that's it.

He gets up, turns the DVD off.

VOICE What a ghastly thing to doooooooo…

DAVE Now SHUT UP! (flicks the remote control) Nothing to watch, just…

GROANING FROM THE TELLY.

DAVE This is amazing – just look at those two saucepots, they – oh my God, I think I… Ah no. Frances is gonna ruin this too. (flicks off the telly) Think I'll read some poetry instead. (picks up book, starts reading)

VOICE Poof.

====================
TOTAL MONOPOLY
====================
F/X: MONEY BEING COUNTED OUT

HENRY
(LICKS FINGER) 300, 400, 500! That's all I have!

RUPERT
It's not enough...

HENRY
Well, how about I sell the hotel on Mayfair?

RUPERT
You'll have to sell the place on Park Lane too.

HENRY
Really?

RUPERT
Them's the rules.

HENRY
Will that be enough?

RUPERT
(LAUGHS) Nowhere near!

HENRY
Okay then, I'll get rid of all the houses on Bond Street, Oxford Street and Regent Street.

RUPERT
And the empty plots...

HENRY
This is disgraceful. Can't you do anything?

RUPERT:
Hey, I'm just your accountant. I wish you'd never got involved in the sub-prime mortgage market to begin with…

END

TWO YOUNG GO-GETTERS ARE SHOOTING THE BREEZE IN A MODERN OFFICE.

GAV: Hey BeeMeister, I hear you've got something new going on. Why don't you flip open the idea & give your old compadre a little snifter.

BJ: Oil your nostrils up good big guy, I think this ones a winner.
Answer me this! Which household chore do Women hate the most?

GAV: Well as long as we're not talking about your wife, then I'd have to say ironing.

BJ: You're spot on my old chumster, both about the ironing and about my wife finding me physically repulsive.
Now then, What do you think that most women would rather do than ironing?

GAV: I'm thinking shopping, I'm thinking gossiping.

BJ: Exactamundo! Shopping & Gossiping. Or Shossiping as I like to call it, and more specifically ..?

GAV: Shoe shossiping?

BJ: Button Banged once again G man! Now as you know, a lady cannot shoe shossip alone, so where is our young filly going to meet her fellow Sheshoeshossipers..

GAV: Well at some stage they're going to require something chocolate or cake- like, and those sort of things don't wash themselves down. I suppose It'd have to be a coffee shop of some sort.

BJ: Until chocolate shops start selling hot drinks, that's exactly where they'll have to go, but I can see what you're thinking..

GAV: Yes, I'm thinking that you haven't said anything about the actual product and seem to have completely ignored the Ironing that you mentioned earlier.

BJ: Ignored the ironing have I? Well, heres the clever part.

GAV: My minds on stand by, just waiting for you to switch it on & blow it away.

BJ: What if you could condense the whole Shoeshossiping experience while simultaneously handling all the modern womans Ironing needs in a fraction of the time.

GAV: Surely you not suggesting some kind of mobile coffee flavoured chocolate Ironing Shoe.

BJ: Throw in a USB power connection and that's exactly what I'm suggesting.

GAV: I hate to break this to ya Starman, but I'm pretty damn sure that I've seen these in the shops, maybe not coffee flavoured but still...

BJ: Typical! If it seems like a simple idea, then chances are it's been done already.

END