Win Leevil's fiddy points!!!

Not sure if the competitions are still going? But anyway, here's a chance to win my 50 points that I seemed to have unfairly won, by being a better writer

Write a sketch or joke and whoever makes me the most wins.

Tips: Don't write anything too long or just long

Comp closes: 11.59PM tonight...beep...beep...beep....

This is one wot I just rote in the coffee break :-) Don't let the fact that it's crap put you off giving it 50!

INT. STOOD IN THE CANTEEN QUEUE.

DOCTOR:
So how is he.. cancer isn't it?

NURSE:
Well..

DOCTOR:
He could pull through, they do..

NURSE:
It's not looking too good..

DOCTOR:
Ah, yes? Smoker wasn't he.. how are the family taking it?

NURSE:
Not too well to be honest..

DOCTOR:
But he needs all the support and encouragement he can get..

NURSE:
It's at the morgue stage...

DOCTOR:
Ah, right

SCENE: HENRY HAS BURROWED HIS HEAD IN BETWEEN A YOUNG WOMAN’S BREASTS. HIS WIFE (CYNTHIA) ENTERS.

CYNTHIA:
My God – Henry! What on earth do you think you’re doing with the aupair?

HENRY:
Oh, hello dear, I’m just helping the poor girl with her inflatable bra.

CYNTHIA:
What, with your head in between her tits?

HENRY:
I’m inflating them orally.

CYNTHIA:
Why?

HENRY:
The pump broke.

DUCK PATE

EXT. RIVERBANK - DAY

DIPPY DUCK WADDLES UP TO COOL CAT WHO IS BUTTERING TOAST.

DIPPY DUCK
(quacks)
I`d love some cat on toast!

DIPPY DUCK LOOKS CUTE AS HE BLINKS IN THE SUNLIGHT.

COOL CAT
Any last requests Dippy, before you’re duck pate?

DIPPY DUCK
Aww, I hate pate! I’d rather be roast and stuffed.

COOL CAT DROOLS. DIPPY DUCK EDGES BACKWARDS.

DIPPY DUCK
(gulps)
Or Crispy Duck and Pancakes?

COOL CAT LICKS HIS LIPS AND FOLLOWS DIPPY DUCK, WHO BACKS ONTO THE RIVER AND FLOATS OUT OF DANGER.

DIPPY DUCK
Or... Duckflakes!

COOL CAT GIVES IT ATTITUDE AS HE SWAGGERS ON TOP OF THE WATER.

DIPPY DUCK
They’re like Cornieflakes, but... D-U-C-K!

AS COOL CAT DUCKS, HE SPOTS THE WATER. COOL CAT’S EYES STICK OUT ON STALKS, HIS LEGS GIVE WAY AND HE FALLS HEADFIRST INTO THE RIVER.

DIPPY DUCK LAUGHS AS COOL CAT SPLUTTERS TO THE SURFACE.

COOL CAT
Hey! Don’t just float around! Help me!

DIPPY DUCK
No way!

AS A BEDRAGGLED COOL CAT SCRAMBLES FOR THE RIVERBANK, DIPPY DUCK PADDLES OFF SNIGGERING.

COOL CAT
For some reason... I’ve gone right off duck pate!

SCENE 1 INT. – DAY (LIVING ROOM)
NICK, A YOUNG FATHER OF 3, WATCHES TV WITH HIS SONS, SHEM, JAFF AND HAM, WHILST HIS FATHER, LIAM, READS A PAPER.

LIAM
Did you see the paper this morning?

NICK
Yeah, cracking pair of tits, weren’t they.

LIAM
No, I meant about this global, bloody warming thing. It’s playing havoc in the allotment. My plums are all dry and wrinkly.
(BEAT)

NICK
I wouldn’t worry, dad. I’ve been told that it’s gonna really piss down later this week. A floods coming our way!

LIAM
Who told you that?

NICK
Some beardy twat in Asda’s, yesterday. Told me to get a boat and fill it with two of everything.

LIAM
Well you’re gonna struggle there then, son.

NICK
How’s that?

LIAM
Well, how will you ever find another brain cell at such short notice?

GETS OUT OF CHAIR AND MAKES HIS WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR.
Right, I’m off out.

LIAM
Out? Where?

NICK
To nick a dinghy! That guy was serious. Plus, he said if I could lay my hands on a boat he would give me fifty quid!

LIAM
Fifty quid?

PUTS PAPER DOWN AND STANDS UP
I’m coming with you then. I’m not gonna be trapped in a flood in some crappy dinghy. I’ll get you a real boat!

BOTH LEAVE THE HOUSE LEAVING THE THREE BOYS WATCHING TV. HAM, THE OLDEST OF THE THREE, TURNS TO THE OTHERS.

HAM
What a couple of pricks.

OPENS THE DINKS CABINET.
Now, who’s for a rum and coke?

--------------
Moved posts!

UNCLE DEREK: What's Leevil been up to this time? There's an empty field where my house used to be!
(CANNED AMERICAN LAUGHTER)
TEENAGE FRIEND: It ain't like that Uncle Derek, you know when you caught Leevil with Mr. Tinkle up the cat's gazoonda?
(CANNED AMERICAN LAUGHTER)
UNCLE DEREK: Yes.
TEENAGE FRIEND: And you weren't very happy.
UNCLE DEREK: Yes.
TEENAGE FRIEND: And you told him to move home.
(CANNED AMERICAN CHUCKLES)
UNCLE DEREK: Yes.
TEENAGE FRIEND: I think he took that literally.
(CANNED AMERICAN LAUGHTER)

AMERICAN V.O. MAN: We'll return to 'Leave it to Leevil' right after these messages.

Jo is recieves an incoming call from the sex line she works for.

Jo
Hello This is Jo

Caller
How old and how tall are you

Jo
28 & 5ft 7

Caller
Too tall (hangs up)

Jo tuts and puts the phone down. 30 seconds later it rings again.

Caller
How tall are you.

Jo
(Recognition from last call) 5ft.

Caller
You are still too tall (Hangs up)

Jo puts the phone down again. 30 seconds later it rings AGAIN.

Caller
How tall are you.

Jo
(sighs) 4ft

Caller
Did you say 3ft 10”

Jo
Yes I believe I did.

Caller
So you are a midget.

Jo
Yes that’s me. I am a very small person.

Caller
You are a midget. However you don’t sound like a midget.

Jo
(Raises her voice higher) Do I sound like a midget now.

Caller
Yes that is much better.

Jo
Good. So you like midgets like me then.

Caller
Yes I do. I am 6ft 7

Jo
Your are a giant.

Caller
(Raises & deepens his voice) Yes I am.

Jo
What would you like to do to me.

Caller
I want to put you on my shoulders so you can rub yourself on the back of my neck.

Jo
Mmmmmmmmm! That sounds good. I would enjoy my elf (tries to contain her giggles, at the use of elf).

Caller
Have you got a dildo.

Jo.
Yes I do. It is upstairs in my bedside dwarfs (tries not to giggle again)

Caller
Go and get it.

Jo
Okay.

She puts the phone on the worktop and goes into the livingroom and starts giggling. 1 minute later she goes back.

Jo
I have it here.

Caller
Ok put the dildo in your mouth

Jo
Right I am munchkin on it.

Caller
Did you just say munchkin.

Jo
No I said munching.

Caller
I think you are taking the piss out of me

Jo
NO! I would never do that. You are almost 3 foot bigger than I.

Caller
Fooking Midget. (Hangs up)

RESPECT
INT. DAY. INSIDE A CHURCH, A VICAR ADDRESSES A FUNERAL CONGREGATION.
Vicar:
We are gathered here today to mourn the sad death of……er…

Man in congregation:
Sid!

Vicar:
Yes, Sid, er…

Man:
Smith!

Vicar:
Yes, Sid Smith.. Sid Smith! No! Nooooooooo!

HE LOOKS UNDER THE LID OF THE COFFIN AND SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY WHEN HE SEES THE BODY.
CUT TO BEMUSED MOURNERS.

Female mourner (to another):
I think he bummed him
CUT

Did you hear about the agoraphobic homosexual?

He's too scared to come out.

Oh yeah, I forgot about this.

And the winner is................ Baumski! Made me ! Some of the others too long I said keep 'em short or not too long!

Quote: Baumski @ August 29, 2007, 3:36 PM

SCENE: HENRY HAS BURROWED HIS HEAD IN BETWEEN A YOUNG WOMAN’S BREASTS. HIS WIFE (CYNTHIA) ENTERS.

CYNTHIA:
My God – Henry! What on earth do you think you’re doing with the aupair?

HENRY:
Oh, hello dear, I’m just helping the poor girl with her inflatable bra.

CYNTHIA:
What, with your head in between her tits?

HENRY:
I’m inflating them orally.

CYNTHIA:
Why?

HENRY:
The pump broke.

View original

OH NO!! Surely some mistake - I demand a recount! Leevil you're a git!!! It's a fix, a stitch up, a.... Oh! You mean I won? Really?! Wow. Sorry about the git remark, Lee. Just a, y'know, joke. Ha ha and that sort of thing.

Anyway, cheers.

Sorry did I say Baumski? I meant...

Congrats Baumski.
Fantastic Choice Leevil.

Mine was way toooooooooooo long. Sorry, I cut & paste an old one of mine. I didnt see the thread till late & I was lazy.

Congrats Bski! It's a worthy winner.

I blame my loss on a poor choice of main character.

I also blame your loss on a poor choice of main character.