Restaurant

New edit

WOMAN IN RESTAURANT IS ORDERING FROM A WAITER.

WOMAN
I'm a vegetarian so I'll just have the salad please.

WAITER
I beg your pardon?

WOMAN
I won't eat anything with sentience, you know that can think,

WAITER
Are you calling our salad stupid?

WOMAN
No but they're not alive, they can't communicate...

WAITER
Our kitchen porter is Rumanian he can't speak a word of English. Would you like him for dinner?

WOMAN
No that's revolting, but vegetable they don't have brains they can't speak.

WAITER (SHOUTING TO OOV)
Hey Michelle can you stab DragoMillich. Yeh poor bastard but this cannibal bitch wants him for lunch.

CHEF (OOV)
How does she want him cooked?

WAITER
I dunno something without too many dishes. We won't have anyone to do the washing up.

WOMAN
Oh shut up you brute. You know what I mean Rumanian's can talk to other people who speak Rumanian. Vegetables can't!

WAITER
Have you ever tried speaking to one before hacking it to pieces? Covering it's wounds in balsamic vinegar and eating it's rendered flesh!

WOMAN
Well no. But you can't eat animals they're innocent you can't judge them.

WAITER
At ristorante el bastrardo we do. We only serve animals here that have commited crimes and been sentenced to death.

WOMAN
But that's ridiculous. Animals are innocent. They have no concept of right and wrong.

WAITER
Oh really Daisy over there trampled her owner, bit a child and stamped her own calf to death.

4 WAITERS LEAD A VERY MEAN LOOKING COW PAST, THEY HAVE SHOTGUNS A 5TH WAITER READS PSALMS FROM A PRAYER BOOK.

DAISY TURNS AND STARTS TURNING TOWARDS THE WOMAN.

WOMAN
Eek! Save me!

WAITER WITH SHOTGUN
Keeping walking daisy. Don't make it harder for yourself.

DAISY
Mooo!

WAITER WITH SHOTGUN
The next shell goes in your udder.

DAISY TURNS AND KEEPS WALKING OUT OF THE DINING ROOM.

WAITER
Dead cow walking!

WOMAN
Gosh. Tell me do you have any criminal pigs? I could murder a bacon sandwich.

Not for me I'm afraid.

Quote: Jacob Loves Comedy @ July 21 2009, 9:36 PM BST

Not for me I'm afraid.

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It's not briliant is it? I was fooling around with some disparate ideas to see if they made a sketch and they didn't.

Thanks and back to the fetid joke mines at Sootyj towers.

I don't know Sootyj, I thought it was pretty decent - I really liked the 'Are you calling our salad stupid?' line. I like daft lines like that.

It just seemed to tail off at the end though (if it's possible to tail off abruptly!) Personally, I think you could have got a bit more mileage out of it - bringing in a procession of animals and the customer asking what they've done to deserve being slaughtered - pigs getting done for armed robbery and so on... until you've escalated it down to prawns being done for inciting racial hatred or something stupid like that.

I reckon it's got potential though.

Good ideas there and from Speckled Jim too. But it's not written to its full potential.

Well, I think this is really good, sooty. Tails off towards the end, but I reckon it's pretty much perfect up to 'sentenced to death' bit. The rest is good but the first bit is awesome.

Nice one

Dan

WAITER
Are you calling our salad stupid?

WOMAN
No but they're not alive, they can't communicate...

WAITER
Our kitchen porter is Malaysian he can't speak a word of English, would you like him for dinner?

WOMAN
No that's revolting, but vegetable they don't have brains they can't speak.

WAITER
Have you ever tried speaking to one before hacking it to pieces, covering it in balsamic vinegar and eating them!

WOMAN
Well no, but you can't eat animals they're innocent you can't judge them.

WAITER
Here we do, we only serve animals here that have commited crimes and been sentenced to death.

WOMAN
But that's ridiculous they have no concept of right and wrong.

WAITER
Oh really Daisy over there trampled her owner to death.

FX 4 WAITERS LEAD A COW PAST 5TH WAITER READS PSALMS FROM A PRAYER BOOK. IT MOOS AGRESSIVELY.

WAITER
Don't look at her we can only execute her once, you wouldn't want her getting mean. That chicken is a cold monster she squashed her own eggs.

FX
CLUCKING

WOMAN
And you have a trial for all of them/

WAITER
Of course... hey where's nippers?

WOMAN
Ouch! Something just pinched my bottom! It's a lobster.

WAITER
You almost escaped Nipper's but you couldn't resist one more sexual assault.

WOMAN
You're going to execute him for pinching people but that's what lobsters do.

WAITER
Of course not.

WOMAN
Oh thank goodness you're going to let him go.

WAITER
Of course not he's being executed for being a racist. What did you call me you crustachen SOB?

I'm probably giving away a silly level of pedantry here, but stuff like "Portorican" really bugs me to the point where I can't enjoy any subsequent lines.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ July 23 2009, 5:17 PM BST

I'm probably giving away a silly level of pedantry here, but stuff like "Portorican" really bugs me to the point where I can't enjoy any subsequent lines.

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I too, have a penchant for correctness. I brush it aside in Critique however, as long as I understand what the writer means. Cut the guy a little slack!

In military tone; "As you were, Johnson".

Agreed - I like the first half and the second half could be basis of a second sketch perhaps?

Quote: Rick Allden @ July 23 2009, 6:32 PM BST

Agreed - I like the first half and the second half could be basis of a second sketch perhaps?

View original

Is that the 1st or 2nd draft?

I hadn't read the edit, sorry, but I think maybe both - the second part has a nice surreal action thing going on and seems of a different tone.

I'm being vague Soots - I can't place my finger on it yet - I'll have a ponder.

Quote: Geoff Mutton @ July 23 2009, 6:04 PM BST

I too, have a penchant for correctness. I brush it aside in Critique however, as long as I understand what the writer means. Cut the guy a little slack!

In military tone; "As you were, Johnson".

View original

I'll add that as a vege I'm a huge fan of sketches that get into the often twisted logic of vegetarianism (such as the recent one in Mitchell & Webb), and this skit did appeal to me quite a lot. Particularly the stupid salad line.

I would be a vegetarian but for my deep and abiding hatred of farm animals.

Thanks for feedback there's a sketch in there somewhere.