Studying

Not really about studying, but am basically trying to do a short play kind of thing next year in college about two fellas trying to study, who wind up talking all sorts of crap to avoid it. One of them is meant to be easily stressed and the other is meant to be a bit lazy.
Formatting is a bit off at the moment, but this is a first draft of the intro.

ACT I
THERE ARE SOME DESKS(MINIMUM 2, CAPABLE OF BEING USED BY TWO PEOPLE ON ONE SIDE) AND SEVERAL CHAIRS ON THE STAGE. AT ONE DESK(CENTRE STAGE) IS ALAN, HE IS FACING THE AUDIENCE WITH A LARGE NUMBER OF BOOKS IN FRONT OF HIM, INITIALLY BLOCKING HIS FACE FROM THE AUDIENCE. PLAY BEGINS WITH SEVERAL SECONDS SILENCE, FOLLOWED BY TOM STUMBLING ACROSS THE STAGE AND KNOCKING OVER THE BOOKS. ALAN IS UNPHASED AND SCRIBBLING FURIOUSLY INTO A NOTEPAD.

TOM: [Picking up books] Jesus man, sorry, thought I saw someone over there. [Looks at ALAN] Hey, we done a project together earlier this year?
ALAN: [Without looking up] Don't think so.
TOM: I'm sure you were in our group… don't remember?
ALAN: [Still writing] Done mine alone.
TOM: Yeah, that's what you done. We arranged a meeting and all, you came along, said something like "I don't want any of you ruining this project, I'll do it all" and stormed out. Thought you were fecking mental, done a good job though.
ALAN: [Looks up] …you got points for it?
TOM: Yep, full marks and all, thanks a million for that man. [Pause] Okay if I sit there? [Points towards vacant seat at Alan's desk]
ALAN: [Resumes studying, warily] Go ahead.
TOM SITS AND PROCEEDS TO TAKE OUT NUMEROUS UNTENSILS FROM HIS BAG UNTIL EMPTY, NONE OF WHICH ARE COURSE RELATED. STARTS LOOKING IN TOWARDS THE BOOK ALAN IS READING, ALAN GRADUALLY GETS AGITATED. ALAN EVENTUALLY SLAMS THE BOOK SHUT AND GLARES DIRECTLY AT TOM.
TOM: So… what're we studying then?
ALAN: We?
TOM: Yeah, you just said we could.
ALAN: Nope, said you could sit down there, didn't say anything about being Study Buddies.
TOM: Meaning "Can I study with you?" Shur the place is empty, why else would I want to sit beside someone else when I could get a full desk for myself?
ALAN: Dunno, just thought you didn't wanna risk having an empty seat beside you is all.
TOM: What?
ALAN: Like y'know sometimes you'd decide it's better to sit in beside someone who looks okay before the place fills up?
TOM: [Pause, confused] Not with you.
ALAN: …in case you wind up having some prick beside you later when it fills up? [TOM stares blankly at ALAN, He groans and resumes] It happens loadsa times, have a look around you the next time you're on public transport. No matter how empty it is, you'll see that the most pleasant, friendliest, nicest looking person on it will have something like Rain Man beside them.
TOM: Well, I'm not Rain Man, was diagnosed with A.D.D. when I was younger.
ALAN: What has that to do with anything?
TOM: Rain Man was autistic, the A.D.D. would cancel out any Autism I could get.
ALAN: I don't think it works that way.
TOM: Sure it does, there used to be a little one of those Rain Men in my school and he used to stand there all day in the hall just banging this fecking door. [Thumps table in unison, large breaks between words] Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, B-
ALAN: [Grabs TOM's hand, Interrupting] Shush-sh, what's the banging about?
TOM: Well he'd have to be fairly bloody focused, he would be, banging all day like that for years. Attention Surplus Disorder, that's what that is.
ALAN: Not sure about that, although I understand what you're say- what the f**k am I doing?! If I let you study with me, will you shut up?
TOM: Sure thing.

None?

Anyone able to tell me some good descriptions for the tone a person would be talking in if they were in a sharp, aggressive mood?

Brusque.

I'm into the old plays meself Sardines, and I've had a gander.

I think the obvious thing is, it doesn't do a lot. It's a fine as a section of dialogue but, out of context, it has no purpose.

What I'd suggest, even if it's just as an excercise, is added something f**kin' mammoth to the storyline. Maybe Alan boned Tom's Mum the night before.

Add something big, indicate it rather than shout it out loud and see what happens to your dialogue - after that you might put some sort of bigger story to it.

Or - ignore me, I'm crap at rewriting my plays

Kevin-Thanks

Don-Kinda agree, there's a Coffee and Cigarettes stench to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6Mw6b1T50U

Rick-Not a bad idea at all, I'm incapable of plots or anything, obviously. The rest of this one doesn't go anywhere else really, they do a bit of a rant about food, start scrutinising everyone around them, blaming their peculiarities for distracting them and get thrown out.

This is the next bit formatted, but it's the very first draft.

ALAN: Right, what'll we study?
TOM: What is there to study?
ALAN: [Confused with reply] Um, we could study philosophy, since it's closest and all.
TOM: What is philosophy?
ALAN: Really? It's one of our modules.
TOM: What is a module?
ALAN: [Raised voice, angry] It's a subject, a subject, which we study, for this course, a subject.
TOM: Ah but are we not studying many subjects all at once in the giant course of life?
ALAN: [Sharply] Fine, we'll do something else. Math?
TOM: What is math?
ALAN: It's something you're gonna fail if we have to start that far into the basics.
TOM: [Grinning] Calm down man, was just being "philosophical" s'all. Sure that's all there is to it, easy.
ALAN: [Wryly] You'll have no problem with philosophy… so math?
TOM: Sure.
ALAN: Math it is!
TOM: Math it is, ma-tit-is, mat-it-is, mat-hit-is.
ALAN: [Moaning]What now?
TOM: Awkward to say, isn't it? Like Hit [Pause] Ler.
ALAN: Hit [longer pause] Ler?
TOM: Yes, Hit [Pause] Ler, say it any faster and it comes out wrong. Hiccler, Hit-cler, Hit-eh-ler.
ALAN: Hit [Long Pause] Ler, Hit [Pause] Ler, Hit [slight pause] Ler, Hickler. Dammit! Shush, study, study, study.
ALAN GRABS THE MATH BOOK, OPENS IT AND BEGINS SCRIBBLING. TOM STARTS STARING OVER ALAN'S SHOULDER AGAIN.
TOM: Not gonna get out your books?
ALAN: Don't have any.
TOM: What's in that bag then? It's packed!
ALAN SLOWLY PRODUCES FLASK, CUP AND LUNCHBOX FROM BAG.
TOM: Why'd you bring all that?
ALAN: The prices in the canteen are insane, so I said "If I'm gonna be here all day, may as well bring some food with me" Fancy a cup of tea?
TOM: No thanks.
ALAN: I've got more than one cup and all, it's no problem serious!
TOM: I'm fine.
ALAN: Coffee? Soup? Tea, I've got 3 different kinds?
TOM: It's okay, really.
ALAN: Instant curry? Complan?
TOM: …yet no books? Really? Seriously?
ALAN: Not a one. Why?
TOM: It's an awful lot of food to bring isn't it? I mean, are you planning on studying or eating? Look at all I bring for the day [Takes a box of energy bars out of his bag]
ALAN: [Pause] That all?
TOM: Yep, and that's absolutely everything I need for the day. Read that [Hands over and points at box]
ALAN: "Calories 20%, Sugars 20%, Fat 20%, Saturates 20%, Salt 20%," and it just goes on and on like that. "of an adult's daily guideline amount"
TOM: Pack of 5, so 5 of them a day is the exact amount of nutrition I need each day. I've got it down to a tee with my daily timetable; got my day planned out so well that I've been using every drop of energy from each bar, haven't had to take a toilet break in a week.
ALAN: Jeez, I don't think that's the way you're supposed to use those bars. Want me to mix you up a smoothie in my blender now? I'll go find somewhere to plug it in.

Hi Sardines

How long is the play? Because I agree with Rick that although there are some nice moments I'm not sure why an audience would stay interested for too long.

You don't seem to be building to anything. Can they not start 'doing' something to avoid study or have some underlying tension or pathos?

Or if it is purely them talking nonsense there needs to be far more laugh out loud moments.

It could work though - but perhaps if you could arrange a live read through you'd get more idea of the pace and where the laughs are?

JP

Quarter an hour or so... maybe shorter. Idea is to finish it off then edit it down to being as tight as possible. No way such an empty plot could carry off a full story, I know.
Was originally gonna be a 25 minute student film following several different people trying to study on the day before an exam. Two wound up distracting each other all day, another would spend the day trying to find alternative methods to study and those two's bits would be broken up by scenes of of one person who was using a computer and just wound up browsing the internet all day and finally one who just never woke up.

Can't see how anything could start happening in such a terminally boring setting without it becoming the centre of the plot... that's a pretty big problem alright.
Live read seems like a good idea, I'd say the people who wanna help could think up of a lot of improvements alright.

Sounds like a plan. The documentary idea sounds cool too. Would be interesting but expensive no doubt to film some people for a weekend before an exam. In say three hours devoted to study I wonder what the average study time actually is?

At least in my day we didn't have the internet to distract us. But I used to spend far longer than I should have on my actual study planner for the week. And probably lots of doodling and bad poetry.

A scene I've always loved is from Airplane! where the camera focuses on different people and you hear their thoughts - that would be interesting too during the wait for an exam.

Let us know how it goes...

Not a documentary, although the expense problems were what killed it. I'd need an apartment, a few actors, way too many locations and an awful lot of editing... could be done with the help of some college societies and such, but I'd have to have had something done beforehand to justify it.

How would thoughts on stage work? Sudden rants directed towards the crowd like Malcolm in the Middle or something?