Ross Kemp

(radio sketch about Ross Kemp... obviously!

F/X: BUZZ OF INTERCOM.

TV BOSS:
Yes?

SECRETARY:
(D) Ross Kemp is here to see you, sir.

TV BOSS:
Who?

SECRETARY:
(D) Grant Mitchell from EastEnders.

TV BOSS:
Ah, yes. Send him in.

F/X: DOOR OPENS.

ROSS:
Hello.

TV BOSS:
Ah, Grant. Come in, sit down.

F/X: DOOR CLOSES.

ROSS:
Thanks, but it's Ross.

TV BOSS:
Sorry?

ROSS:
It's Ross. Ross Kemp. I'm not Grant Mitchell any more. In fact, I haven't been him for a while now.

TV BOSS:
Quite, quite. Now, Grant. What did you want to see me about?

ROSS:
I don't want you to put me in any more programmes where I have to risk my life.

TV BOSS:
Why ever not?

ROSS:
Because they're dangerous! In Ross Kemp On Gangs, I almost got shot and knifed, in Ross Kemp In Afghanistan I almost got shot and blown up, and in my latest show Ross Kemp In Search Of Pirates I had to walk the bleeding plank.

TV BOSS:
But you're hard man Grant Mitchell from Eastenders. It's what you do.

ROSS:
Oh for God's sake, I'm not Grant Mitchell! He was a fictional character I played. It's not me! I'm not tough! I'm not brave! I'm simply Ross Kemp, actor.

TV BOSS:
But Grant. I've lined up a brand new show for you. I think you're going to like this one.

ROSS:
And what's that?

TV BOSS:
Ross Kemp... On Fire.

ROSS:
What?

TV BOSS:
We douse you with petrol, set you on fire and see how you cope.

ROSS:
But that's far too dangerous!

TV BOSS:
All right. How about Ross Kemp On Thin Ice?

ROSS:
What? No way.

TV BOSS:
Ross Kemp On A Tall Building About To Fall Off?

ROSS:
No!

TV SHOW:
Ross Kemp In A Plane About To Crash?

ROSS:
No! I won't do it!

TV BOSS:
All right, all right. What do you want to do?

ROSS:
I don't care as long as it's not dangerous. I'll even star in a soap again if I have to.

TV BOSS:
What? Ross Kemp In EastEnders? Now that's just silly.

Nice one. I laughed out loud at a couple of the Boss's suggestions.

"Ross Kemp On Fire" I would pay to watch.

It's maybe a bit too reminiscent of the episode of Extras he was in (getting him mixed up with his character, being a big pussy, etc)

Ross didn't come alive for me in the dialogue exchanges, here.

Don Rushmore's comment was well researched and cleverly employed. It was much funnier, too. I don't do negatives and my only positive is this sketch seemed to positively err when the TV BOSS asks "what did you want
to see me about". And then tells Kemp that he has "a band new show lined up" for him.
Is Ross Kemp REALLY a suitable target for whimp material?

Ok there's a very solid idea in here, and I particularly like Ross Kemp on fire.

But you're using to much build up for an idea people will get, also you could get more counterpoint between Ross real and pretend.

And the punchline is good and original but lacks snap/

Hi MJ

It's too long by far. And the beginning is very 'radio set up' -- perhaps you need to be more subtle in letting us know it's Ross Kemp (certainly shorter, if not subtle).

Agree with sooty re: punchline.

Dan

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ July 19 2009, 11:21 PM BST

F/X: BUZZ OF INTERCOM.

TV BOSS:
Yes?

SECRETARY:
(D) Ross Kemp is here to see you, sir.

TV BOSS:
Who?

SECRETARY:
(D) Grant Mitchell from EastEnders.

TV BOSS:
Ah, yes. Send him in.

F/X: DOOR OPENS.

ROSS:
Hello.

TV BOSS:
Ah, Grant. Come in, sit down.

View original

I liked this part

Did anyone actually watch him in the lamentable Ulitmate Force?

Ah - I, er, well....I LOVED Ultimate Force.

There.

It's out.

Sorry.

MJ - I liked the start (also reminded me of extras, but for how they call Barry, well, Barry)

Ross Kemp on Fire line is class - the highlight for me. Perhaps a tad long, but I liked it.

Thanks for the comments guys.

I think I've stayed in that hotel that Mr Rushmore showed there.

I haven't seen Extras so I wouldn't know about the references there.
Well, apart from a little bit of the Les Dennis one where Les upstaged Ricky.

In Extras, Ricky shares an agent with Shaun something out of off of Eastenders, and the agent always refers to him as Barry, his character's name.

And there's an episode almost entirely devoted to getting Ross Kemp shown up as a big pussy.

In that episode, Ricky's ditzy sidekick gets confused between Kemp and his character.

Ultimate Force is brilliant, but it is a bit of a shame Kemp stars as not many take it seriously. I know I didnt until I watched about two episodes and realised it wasn't that bad. Better than EastEnders anyway.