Quote: Mikey Jackson @ July 15 2009, 1:35 PM BSTNow I know you've just taped all the conversations during a Saturday night's clubbing and written them as a script.
Except for the last scene...
WE THEN SEE THAT ALL CHARACTERS ARE IN THE SAME BED TOGETHER.
MICHAEL
Who would've thought that we could fit all of us into one bed.
END MUSIC AND CREDITS
END OF WET DREAM
29 scenes!!!!!!!
Did you go to uni in Plymouth?
The whole script is absolutely mental! Every scene seems to lead in a different direction and nothing whatsoever seems to be tied up in the end!
Whats the bloke in the same clothes all about?
The toilet bloke?
The DJ scene?
The policeman scene?
Breaking up the fight?
I could go on. Saying this I was hooked and couldn't stop reading, I couldn't believe what was coming next!
Despite everything I think it was a good first attempt. Think you should stop calling everyone "mate" though, get more structure and a plot and don't push the references so much. Try not to copy the inbetweeners and be more original.
Quote: Tom G @ July 16 2009, 12:16 AM BST29 scenes!!!!!!!
And?
You really don't want to read one of Matt's scripts, Tom - left unchecked they can number forty, sometimes two hundred, scenes.
Quote: David Bussell @ July 16 2009, 1:40 PM BSTYou really don't want to read one of Matt's scripts, Tom - left unchecked they can number forty, sometimes two hundred, scenes.
As far as I'm concerend, every other line should be followed by CUT TO:
Quote: Matthew Stott @ July 16 2009, 1:28 PM BSTAnd?
29 scenes just seemed a hell of a lot to me and I'm sure this could have been condensed into five or six.
Quote: Tom G @ July 16 2009, 3:45 PM BST29 scenes just seemed a hell of a lot to me and I'm sure this could have been condensed into five or six.
Perhaps this one could be condensed, but I wouldn't say 29 was too high for a non-audience sitcom. I have a sitcom that has over forty scenes in the pilot, and no one at the production company ever mentioned it. All depends on the script and the style really.
of course. Family guy would have hundreds of scenes!
I just felt that for this style of sitcom 29 was too many! It just made it more confusing to read, don't you think?
Quote: Tom G @ July 16 2009, 5:19 PM BSTof course. Family guy would have hundreds of scenes!
I just felt that for this style of sitcom 29 was too many! It just made it more confusing to read, don't you think?
I agree, there are too many scenes for what is happening.
Agree with others. So many scenes, doing so little. But has potential 
And maybe an idea to try and extract a little more humour from what you have. As an example: (probably a shit one, but you know...)
Quote: MatE @ July 15 2009, 12:50 PM BSTMICHAEL
Ha ha very funny mate! You havin' fun then?JACK
I am boy, that's why I need to ask you a favour. D'you have a condom I can borrow mate?MICHAEL
You're in luck my friend. I happen to have my re-useable sheath on me.MICHAEL HOLDS UP THE RE-USABLE CONDOM.
MICHAEL
I've washed it out since I used it last, so you don't have to worry about mess or anything.JACK
Mate, forget it I'm not using that. Forget it I don't need your condoms.MICHAEL
Alright mate, your losing out on a free condom.JACK
Ok mate, I'll be back in a minute mate. I've gotta sort something out.JACK THEN WALKS OFF TO THE DJ BOOTH.
MICHAEL
Ha ha very funny mate! You havin' fun then?
JACK
I am boy, that's why I need to ask you a bit of a favour. D'you have a condom I can borrow?
MICHAEL
You are in luck my friend. I just happen to have my re-useable sheath about my person.
MICHAEL GRINS AS HE HOLDS UP HIS RE-USABLE CONDOM. JACK GRIMACES.
MICHAEL
What? What's wrong? (REALISES. LAUGHS) Don't worry; I gave it a quick rinse out... you'll have no mess or anything.
JACK
Mate, forget it, I'm not using that.
MICHAEL (TWANGING IT BY STRETCHING AND RELEASING)
That's a perfectly good re-useable sheath that is. What's wrong with it?
JACK
It's had your nob in it!
MICHAEL
So... so, has most of the women in here but that's not stopping you from trying to pull them.
JACK
Yeah whatever. Look, just forget it.
MICHAEL
Okay but you're the one losing out on a free condom.
JACK SHAKES HIS HEAD AS HE WALKS OFF TO THE DJ BOOTH.
Yeah that was funny when Daniel Radcliffe did that in Extras.
If it ain't broke don't fix it eh?
Quote: Tom G @ July 18 2009, 2:17 PM BSTYeah that was funny when Daniel Radcliffe did that in Extras.
If it ain't broke don't fix it eh?
Well spotted Tom G. It's sorta like; "D'you have a bit of 'Extras' I can borrow mate?"
Quote: Joseff @ July 18 2009, 2:33 PM BSTWell spotted Tom G. It's sorta like; "D'you have a bit of 'Extras' I can borrow mate?"
Or some extras that are surplus to requirements.
Extra extras, if you will.
Inbetweeners-lite, pretty jumpy too.
How many cast members are there in it, by the way?