My Sitcom - The Odd One Out

Hi all. Here is the first 10 mins?/10 pages of a sitcom I am writing. It's about a boy from a village who goes to Uni in the city (Hull) and doesn't fit in. The episode is about Michael & flat mates going on a night out. Just wanted to see what people thought about it.

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SCENE 1. INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM. DAY

SALLY GOES INTO MICHAEL'S ROOM. WE CANNOT SEE MICHAEL

SALLY
What the hell are you doing?

MICHAEL O/S
Umm… nothing much. Just Wikipedia.

SALLY
Well why are your trousers down then?

WE SEE MICHAEL WHO'S TROUSERS ARE DOWN. HE SPEEDELY PULLS THEM UP.

MICHAEL
No reason… except for it's hot here in here and my legs were sweatin', so I wanted to cool them down. Anyway get out. You too mum.

WE SEE MICHAEL'S MUM IS SITTING ON THE BED.

MICHAEL
Isn't it time you went home?

CUT TO OPENING MUSIC AND CREDITS

SCENE 2. INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT

MICHAEL AND JACK ARE SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE PLAYING CARDS. MICHAEL IS EATING. SALLY AND HEATHER ARE BY THE COOKER.

MICHAEL
Sooooo, what are we doin' tonight then? Somethin' fun I hope. Something that's ends we me getting together with a lady.

HEATHER
I think we should go to asylum?

JACK
Hhmmm… what about the sugar mill? We haven't been there in a while.

HEATHER
No it's too far away! I want to go somewhere nearby.

JACK
You didn't say that last week. You were all like (women's voice) 'let's go to sugar mill. It's wicked cool'.

HEATHER
Well… well… shut up!

MICHAEL
What about somewhere where there's a foam party… or something more fun than that, a roller disco!

JACK
Do you know where there are any foam parties, or roller discos nearby?

MICHAEL
Ahh yes, yep you're right. There are no roller disco's about. Well what am I supposed to do with these then?

MICHAEL LIFTS UP A PAIR OF ROLLER BLADES FROM UNDER THE TABLE.

SALLY
So Asylum it is then.

MICHAEL
Cool. So what time we kickin' off?

SALLY
About 10

EVERYONE IN THE ROOM NODS THEIR HEADS.

MICHAEL
Also, can I ask a question?

SALLY
Sure, fire away.

MICHAEL
Is it true that if you fart on the dance floor in a nightclub, no one can tell it was you because they won't be able to smell it was you or hear it was you?

SALLY
Uummmmmm…

HEATHER
Uummmmmm…

JACK
Ummm… yeah, I think it's true, wait… yea I think it's about 90% true.

MICHAEL
Cool. Maybe I'll pull a foxy lady like that Lilly Allen? Ooh I'd give her some beans

MICHAEL THEN STARTS RUBBING HIS LEGS LIKE VIC REEVES ON SHOOTING STARS.

JACK
Ha ha, that definitely won't happen! Stop goin' on about it aswell! You're obsessed!

MICHAEL
You're probably right but you never know, there could be a woman who likes men with gapped teeth and likes people with good manners.

JACK
Mmmm, yeah. What about that Ashley bird. I've heard off some mates that she's easier than 1 star difficulty on pro evo, or even that Chelsea bird, she really likes you.

MICHAEL
Yeah I know but she's a freak. I think she's stalking me. It's scaring me!

JACK
Really. And how is she stalking you exactly?

MICHAEL
She phoned me 7 times just yesterday before I even got up.

JACK
Wouldn't it have been easier to just answer it and tell her to leave you alone?

MICHAEL
What, and speak to her… no way. Anyway, how about we stop off in sanctuary on the way?

JACK
That's a pretty good idea. Wait for it to get a bit busier in Asylum before we go.

MICHAEL
Yeah, it's usually dead early on, and going in later will give me a chance to think up of new dance moves.

HEATHER
Yeah ok then we'll do that. You could do with some new dance moves.

SALLY
Yeah so anyway I was with Tom the other day and I had so much fun and it was great. He took me to the cinema and I had so much fun.

MICHAEL
Ah cool cos' I went to the cinema the other day…

SALLY IGNORES MICHAEL AND INTERUPTS HIM.

SALLY
Ah yes fantastic story. So, what happened was that…

MICHAEL THEN IGNORES SALLY AND INTERUPTS HER.

MICHAEL
SHHHHH! Stop talking now, focus on this… I'm hoping that this night goes better than the last time I had a girlfriend. I had to use rohypnol!

JACK
You had a Girlfriend? You drugged up your ex so you could rape her?

MICHAEL
No! I drugged her up so I could ask her out, and because she was so out of it, she could do nothing but say yes.

SALLY
You've got issues! I'm going to go and wash my hair before we go out later.

MICHAEL
Ok. Just don't use too much shampoo.

SALLY
Why?

MICHAEL
If you use too much you can get a cold.

HEATHER
Really?

MICHAEL
Yep.

SALLY WALKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

SCENE 3. INT. HEATHER'S ROOM. NIGHT.

HEATHER IS ON THE COMPUTER WHILE SALLY IS LAYING ON HEATHER'S BED WATCHING TV.

HEATHER
Are you alright Sally?

SALLY
Yeah. Why?

HEATHER
It's just that you seem a bit down at the moment.

SALLY
Really? Well I feel fine.

HEATHER
(Nodding her head) Good good… good good good good… good good good good good good.

CUT SCENE. LATER

SCENE 4. INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM/ HALLWAY. NIGHT

HEATHER KNOCKS ON MICHAEL'S DOOR. MICHAEL ANSWERS.

MICHAEL
What d'you want?

HEATHER
I Just wanted to know if you're ready yet?

MICHAEL
Does it look like it?

HEATHER
Not really… (with a puzzled look on her face) what are you wearing?

MICHAEL
D'you like it? It's a Jacobean ruff. I saw it and thought, uuh, that looks cool.

HEATHER
Well there not. I saw someone wearin' that on some TV programme and thought, 'that look will never work'

MICHAEL
Well what about this bad boy then?

MICHAEL TURNS TO SHOW HE IS WEARING A CAPE.

MICHAEL
It's cool and it'll keep me dry when it's wet.

HEATHER
Nope. Not cool at all. I'm gunna call for Jojo.

MICHAEL
Ok, I'll come with you, see what he thinks.

SCENE 5. INT. JOJO'S ROOM/ HALLWAY. NIGHT

JOJO OPENS THE DOOR.

JOJO
Hey. Whats up?

HEATHER
Alright, are you coming out tonight?

JOJO
Ummmm, probably Lemar.

MICHAEL
Probably what?

JOJO
50/50

MICHAEL
Oh… ha ha that's funny.

EVERYTHING FREEZES EXCEPT FOR MICHAEL WHO TURNS AND BREAKS THE 4TH WALL, ADDRESSING THE AUDIENCE.

MICHAEL
Stop stop stop stop stop! Before we go any further with this episode, I would like to point out that this is not a racist joke, but a joke about a song by Lemar, named 50/50. that is all. Now can we get back to the episode.

EVERYTHING RESUMES AS NORMAL.

MICHAEL
That was like something out of the queen's nose.

HEATHER
Ok, not sure what that was about. (To Jojo) So let us know if you are coming' out then.

MICHAEL
Also what d'you think of these bad boys?

MICHAEL SHOWS JOJO THE JACOBIAN RUFF AND CAPE.

JOJO
Not cool. You look like a Victorian superhero.

HEATHER
That's what I thought. He looks like a beefeater.

SCENE 6. INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM. NIGHT

MICHAEL AND SALLY ARE SITTING DOWN ON THE BED AND SEAT PLAYING ON THE SEGA MEGADRIVE.

MICHAEL
C'mon. C'mon. GET IN! 4-3. The comeback is almost complete!

JOJO WALKS INTO THE ROOM.

JOJO
Heya, what's goin on?

MICHAEL
Just playin' NHL 95'.

JOJO
Cool, a Sega Megadrive, have you got sonic?

MICHAEL
I'm only human… or am I dancer?

JOJO
Well you should get it it's great.

MICHAEL
And where should I get it from, GAME?

JOJO
Chillax, I'm just sayin' it's a good game. Why have you got a Sega Megadrive anyway?

MICHAEL
What d'you mean. This is the latest technology in Compton. It cost me £200 from the local shop.

SALLY
Really?

MICHAEL
Yes.

SALLY
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! That, was a goal! In your face! Champion of National Hockey League 95'! Get in.

MICHAEL GETS ANGRY. HE PICKS UP THE SEGA MEGADRIVE AND THROWS IT AGAINST THE WALL, SMASHING IT INTO PIECES.

MICHAEL
D'you mind leaving my room now please. Shoo! Avante!

JOJO AND SALLY LEAVE.

SCENE 7. EXT. DOORWAY. NIGHT

EVERYONE IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY WAITING FOR MICHAEL.

HEATHER
What's taking him so long?

SALLY
Yeah he said he'd only be a minute. (Shouting towards Michael) How long's a minute!

MICHAEL O/S
Take a chill pill you bell end I'm comin'.

SCENE 8. EXT. WALKWAY. NIGHT

ALL CHARACTERS EXCEPT MICHAEL ARE WALKING TO SANCTUARY.

JACK
Brrrrr it's bloody cold out here, it looks like it's gunna rain.

SALLY
Well apparently there's gonna be showers tonight.

HEATHER
Where's Michael?

MICHAEL THEN ROLLS PAST ON ROLLERBLADES.

MICHAEL
HA HA! See ya later suckers!

MICHAEL THEN FALLS OVER.

MICHAEL
AH! OW! Shit!

MICHAEL THEN RUNS PAST WITH THE ROLLEERBLADES IN HIS HANDS. HE HAS SCRAPES AND CUTS ALL OVER HIM.

MICHAEL
These were a bad idea. I'm gunna change into some normal shoes.

SCENE 9. INT. SANCTUARY BAR. NIGHT

HEATHER AND JACK ARE AT THE BAR THEY THEN GET SERVED BY A BARMAN WHO LOOKS VERY MUCH LIKE A CELEBRITY.

HEATHER
Southern Comfort and Coke please.

THE BARMAN POURS THE DRINK.

BARMAN
Anything else?

HEATHER
No thanks… wait; I'm sure I've seen you before somewhere?

BARMAN
Ummmmm… nope, I don't think you have.

HEATHER
Yes I have. Yeah, you were in that TV programme.

BARMAN
Well what TV programme was it then?

HEATHER
You know, the one with the thing, when that thing happened, and the thing. You know what I'm talkin' bout jack?

JACK
The thing? He doesn't look anything like the thing. He's not even made of rock? Well, I've never seen this person before in my life?

HEATHER
Well I have. He's been all over the TV. He's been on the internet as well.

BARMAN
Nah, you must be thinking of someone else!

HEATHER
Nope. I'm sure I've seen you somewhere?

BARMAN
No you haven't. Next customer please.

Bit too selfconsciously whacky and energetic for my tastes.

Quote: MatE @ July 13 2009, 5:11 PM BST

MICHAEL THEN STARTS RUBBING HIS LEGS LIKE VIC REEVES ON SHOOTING STARS.

View original

Probably a very bad idea.

It kinda just reads like you've transcribed the conversation you and your mates had during your Friday night session.

You've probably played the 'trousers down' card a bit too early.

And Mikey makes a very good point. It's like you've stuck a tape recorder under a table, played it back - and then copied the dialogue verbatim.

You have some good observations of uni life, pro evo, nostalgia of mega drive, everyone going to each others rooms, getting ready etc.

I think some of the dialogue is a bit unnatural. Perhaps write "what's" instead of "what is" that sort of thing. Also it seemed to jump from one thing to another a bit unnaturally, switching scenes quickly also.

There are far too many references and some are quite stretched i.e. the lemar joke. Family guy references a lot so it can work but go for more well known subjects, Lemar songs are instantly forgettable!

I thing you may be quite heavily influenced by Inbetweeners as well, am I right?

I would agree with all the above.

What might be funny with your mates, doesn't always come down well on paper.

"Giving Lily Allen beans" ???? I think she can afford a decent steak now!!!

I have to agree with the other comments. Its a bit too much like so many other things out there at the moment (BBC Three has really gone down hill - don't make me mention Coming of Age's 2nd series...)

I think, as constructive criticism, maybe you could fit the first 6 / 7 scenes into 2 or 3 and cut out a bit of the talkingthat's going on about arranging the night.

Also, it was unclear who the new guys was / why he wasn't fitting in.

The Pro-Evo reference was good though. Keep trying, this wasn't a bad go (better than Coming of Age anyway)

Cheers, Chris

Also, it was unclear who the new guys was / why he wasn't fitting in.

Yeah, that's a point.
There's absolutely no mention in the script of the boy not fitting in.
In fact, he has lots of mates and goes out clubbing.
I'd say he's pretty sociable.

If you're basing a sitcom on not fitting in, i.e. "fish out of water" then the jokes and scenerios have to reflect this.

Surely, if he was from a village, he might not be familar with nightclubs ???
There's a theme for plenty of fish out of water moments.
i.e. hard time with a bouncer, being crap at dancing, not being able to pull a bird, passing out on two shandys, etc.

Oh, and a typical sitcom needs at least 3 LOL moments per minute with lots of chuckles in between.

Quote: don rushmore @ July 13 2009, 6:20 PM BST

You've probably played the 'trousers down' card a bit too early.

View original

Don's right. The trousers come down far too early - just after the third line of dialogue in fact. Not only do the trousers come down too early - even worse - there's no sign of a Vicar.

I think the descending trousers and the obligatory Vicar could be brought together in one fell swoop towards the end - around about... here:

HEATHER
Where's Michael?

MICHAEL THEN ROLLS PAST ON ROLLER BLADES.

MICHAEL
HA HA! See ya later suckers!

MICHAEL FALLS OVER - HE TRIES TO SAVE HIMSELF BY HANGING ON TO A PASSING VICAR'S WAIST. MICHAEL ACCIDENTALLY PULLS THE VICAR'S TROUSERS DOWN

MICHAEL
AH! OW! Shit! (TO VICAR) Sorry, Vicar! I suppose - er - 'more tea' is out of the question!!

VICAR
Thou shalt not remove my God-forsaken trousers, you fff --- (SHAKES HIS FIST AT MICHAEL)

MICHAEL THEN RUNS PAST HOLDING THE ROLLER BLADES. HE HAS SCRATCHES AND CUTS ALL OVER HIM.

O*********************************O********************************O

** You see? The 'Holy' Vicar/trousers incident would then link nicely with the next scene; which is set in the 'Sanctuary' bar. **

Agree with all the above, also seems to me that none of the characters has their own voice, they all seems to speak roughly the same.
Does sound a bit as if it's a type up of any normal conversation, a lot of writers write stuff based on personal experience, if you do though you should always keep in mind 'Just because it happened to you, doesn't make it interesting'.
Would go back to stage one and work on the characters, make them funnier then they may do and say funnier stuff.

Quote: hey_nonny @ July 14 2009, 7:05 AM BST

'Just because it happened to you, doesn't make it interesting'.

View original

Quote: Joseff @ July 14 2009, 2:48 AM BST

Don's right. The trousers come down far too early - just after the third line of dialogue in fact. Not only do the trousers come down too early - even worse - there's no sign of a Vicar.

I think the descending trousers and the obligatory Vicar could be brought together in one fell swoop towards the end - around about... here:

HEATHER
Where's Michael?

MICHAEL THEN ROLLS PAST ON ROLLER BLADES.

MICHAEL
HA HA! See ya later suckers!

MICHAEL FALLS OVER - HE TRIES TO SAVE HIMSELF BY HANGING ON TO A PASSING VICAR'S WAIST. MICHAEL ACCIDENTALLY PULLS THE VICAR'S TROUSERS DOWN

MICHAEL
AH! OW! Shit! (TO VICAR) Sorry, Vicar! I suppose - er - 'more tea' is out of the question!!

VICAR
Thou shalt not remove my God-forsaken trousers, you fff --- (SHAKES HIS FIST AT MICHAEL)

MICHAEL THEN RUNS PAST HOLDING THE ROLLER BLADES. HE HAS SCRATCHES AND CUTS ALL OVER HIM.

O*********************************O********************************O

** You see? The 'Holy' Vicar/trousers incident would then link nicely with the next scene; which is set in the 'Sanctuary' bar. **

View original

This is the funniest thing I have ever read.

It's the first time in my life I have ever cried with laughter.

Hello again!!

cheers for the comments guys. I think I need to change the wording of it by saying 'is a weirdo comparted to everyone' instead of 'not fitting in'. Anyway, here's the rest of this episode if anyone wants to read it.sorry for any spelling and grammer mistakes. Cheers.

--------------------------------------------------

SCENE 10. INT. SANCTUARY BAR TABLE. NIGHT.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE SITTING AROUND THE BAR TABLE. THERE IS AN AKWARD SILENCE.

MICHAEL
Have you heard the news?

JACK
What, about the giant cat?

MICHAEL
No.

JACK
Or the thing about that man's finger getting' chopped off and then it grew back?

MICHAEL
NO! The thing about Michael Jackson's family. They're gonna write three books about him. It's gonna be a thrilogy!

SALLY
You mean trilogy?

MICHAEL
It's a joke.

SALLY
Why would you make a joke about a dead person? Leave Michael Jackson alone. Let him be!

MICHAEL
It's doesn't even make fun of him. It could've been a lot worse. Somethin' about monkeys or somethin' like that.

SALLY
Well it's still not funny. What if I made a joke about Diana and you heard?
MICHAEL SHAKES HIS FIST AT HER WHILE TALKING.

MICHAEL
You wouldn't dare.

SALLY
I would too.

MICHAEL
Would not.

SALLY
Would so.

MICHAEL
Would not.

HEATHER COMES IN LIKE A MOTHER FIGURE TO STOP THE CONFLICT.

HEATHER
Stop it you two! Now finish your drinks, we're ready to go to Asylum!

SCENE 11. EXT. OUTSIDE OF NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT

ALL CHARACTERS ARE QUEING OUTSIDE TO GET INTO THE NIGHTCLUB. UNSUPRISINGLY IT IS RAINING.

MICHAEL
This queue is as ridiculous as Ringo Star. 'Call me by me real name', what a bumhole.

SALLY
Shut up.

MICHAEL
I knew I should've worn that cape now!

SALLY
Shut up.

JACK
Yeah, shut up you mug!

MICHAEL
Mate if you don't shut up I'll spark you up mate!

JACK
What does that even mean?

SALLY
I think it's got somethin' to do with lighting matches.

HEATHER
I thought it was somethin' to do with cigarettes.

MICHAEL
Shut up all of you. It means that I'm gunna beat you up and if you don't shut up I'll punch you in the forehead.

JACK, SALLY AND HEATHER LAUGH AT WHAT MICHAEL HAS JUST SAID.

SCENE 12. INT. NIGHTCLUB ENTRANCE. NIGHT

ALL CHARACTERS GET TO THE ENTRANCE. THEY'RE ALL LET IN EXCEPT MICHAEL. THE BOUNCER STOPS HIM.

BOUNCER
I.D please.

MICHAEL GETS HIS I.D OUT OF HIS WALLET AND HANDS IT OVER TO THE BOUNCER.

MICHAEL
Here you go kind sir. I hope everything's in order.

BOUNCER
And your student card.

MICHAEL THEN GETS OUT HIS STUDENT CARD OUT AND HANDS IT OVER. THE BOUNCER NODS AND HANDS THE I.D BACK. MICHAEL THEN WALKS THROUGH TO PAY TO GET IN. HE THEN GETS TO THE CHECKOUT PERSON.

CHECKOUT PERSON
£2 please. And can I see your I.D please.

MICHAEL HANDS OVER HIS I.D AND MONEY.

CHECKOUT PERSON
Do you have your student I.D on you?

MICHAEL HANDS OVER HIS STUDENT I.D. WHILE THE CHECKOUT PERSON IS CHECKING HIS I.D'S, THE NEXT PERSON IN THE QUEUE STANDS NEXT TO HIM. HE AND MICHAEL ARE WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES.

MICHAEL
Nice shirt… and jeans… and shoes!

QUEUE MAN
D'you think you're funny?

MICHAEL
Yes, but that's a different story. I was thinking that are outfits are pretty similar.

QUEUE MAN
They're exactly the same you idiot. This is a disaster!

MICHAEL
Ok, calm down. Just make sure we don't see each other for the rest of the night.

MICHAEL THEN GETS HIS I.D'S BACK AND A TICKET. HE WALKS OFF. HE IS THEN STOPPED TO HAVE HIS TICKET CHECKED.

TICKET CHECKER
Ticket please.

MICHAEL HANDS OVER HIS TICKET. THE TICKET CHECKER LOOKS AT THE TICKET, THEN LOOKS AT MICHAEL.

TICKET CHECKER
Do you have a form of I.D or student card I can see? I need to check your age.

MICHAEL
Are you serious? It's already been checked twice!

TICKET CHECKER
I don't care. Just show me your I.D or don't come in. it's as easy as that.

MICHAEL THEN HANDS OVER HIS I.D AND STUDENT CARD OVER. HE THEN GETS IT BACK AND WALKS IN.

SCENE 13. INT. NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT

ALL CHARACTERS ARE SITTING AROUND A TABLE WITH DRINKS. WE HEAR THE END OF A PREVIOUS CONVERSATION.

MICHAEL
And they caught him shaggin' some dead bird!?!

JACK
Really? That's some kinky shit. What happened to him then?

MICHAEL
I can't remember, I think his girlfriend got some sorta STD. It was pretty sick.

SALLY THEN GRABS A STRAW FROM THE TABLE AND RESTS IT ON HER EAR AS IF IT'S A MICROPHONE.

SALLY
Hey, look at this. What d'you think?

MICHAEL
Neat.

HEATHER
Neat! What are you American now?

MICHAEL
Yep, how did you know? Did my American accent give it away?

SALLY THEN STARTS SINGING… BADLY.

SALLY
(Singing) I keep bleedin', I keep keep bleedin' love.

MICHAEL
Wow! Were you in that band steps, cuz you've got a great voice.

SALLY
Ahh really, thanks. C'mon then lets go dance!

HEATHER
Yeah, lets go, c'mon!

MICHAEL
I want a drink first so I'll see you on the dancefloor. Does anyone else want one?

SALLY
Yeah. I'll have 3 bottles of VK.

HEATHER
Yes please. 3 bottles of VK for me.

JACK
Go on then same as them two mate.

EVERYONE GETS UP. WHEN THEY WALK OFF, THEY ARE WALKING AS IF THEIR FEET KEEP STICKING TO THE FLOOR.

SCENE 14. INT. BAR AT NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT

MICHAEL IS AT THE BAR SUROUNDED BY OTHERS TRYING TO GET A DRINK. EVERYTIME MICHAEL TRIES TO MOVE FORWARD IN THE QUEUE, SOMEONE BARGES IN FRONT OF HIM. A GIRL LETS HIM IN TO THE FRONT OF THE QUEUE. HE TAKES TWO LOOKS AT HER.

MICHAEL
Cheers.

ASHLEY
No problem.

MICHAEL
(To the barman) 12 bottles of VK please mate.

BARMEN
12?

MICHAEL
Yes mate. They're not all for me they're for my mates.

MICHAEL POINTS TO A GROUP OF PEOPLE. THEY ARE NOT HIS FRIENDS. MICHAEL GETS HIS DRINK AND THEN THE GIRLS STARTS TALKING TO HIM AGAIN.

BARMAN
That'll be twelve pounds please mate.

MICHAEL HANDS OVER A TWENTY POUND NOTE

MICHAEL
Here you go mate. And could I have my change all in twenty p's please. I'm trying to find a certain twenty p.

ASHLEY
One of them's gotta be for me?

MICHAEL
Sorry but no. they're for my mates.

ASHLEY
You must have a lot of friends then.

MICHAEL
No not really. I just have a few friends who like to drink a lot. I can't believe you would think that I had a lot of friends.

SCENE 15. INT. MEN'S TOILETS. NIGHT

JACK IS QUEUING TO GO TO THE TOILET. THE BLOKE IN THE TOILET IS URINATING EVERYWHERE AND GETS IT ON THE FLUSHER. HE THEN LEAVES AND SPEAKS TO JACK ON THE WAY OUT.

BLOKE
If I were you I wouldn't use that. I just pissed everywhere.

JACK
Yeah whatever mate.

JACK IGNORES THE BLOKE AND USES THE TOILET. WHEN HE FINISHES HE FLUSHES THE TOILET AND WALKS OUT. HE DOSEN'T WASH HIS HANDS AND KEEPS TOUCHING HIS FACE WITH HIS HANDS.

SCENE 16. INT. NIGHTCLUB DANCEFLOOR. NIGHT

MICHAEL IS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCEFLOOR. HE IS SHUFFLING AND CLICKING HIS FINGERS WHILST EVERYONE IS BUMPING AND GRINDING WITH EACH OTHER.

MICHAEL
I can handle this. I need to find some friends to stand near and look cool.

MICHAEL THEN RUNS OFF AS HE RUNS, HE BUMPS IN TO ASHLEY.

MICHAEL
Hey there… again.

ASHLEY
Hi.

MICHAEL STARTS BY PUTTING HIS HAND OUT TO CHECK HER NECK.

ASHLEY
What the hell are you doing? Whatever you do don't hurt me. I've got connections.

MICHAEL
Don't worry I'm just conducting some personal research. Have you got any I.D. on you?

ASHLEY
Yea, why?

MICHAEL
Just some more research. It's some very in-depth research.

ASHLEY
Well I am old enough to get in if that's what your thinking.

MICHAEL
Good. I just don't wanna get caught out like last time. It took me ages to get rid of the protesters.

ASHLEY
Oh, you're a bit weird, what's your name?

MICHAEL
Michael. Yours?

ASHLEY
Ashley

MICHAEL
Ashley the boys name or Ashley the girls name?

ASHLEY
The girls name… obviously

MICHAEL
Well I'm just checkin'. My sources have told me your pretty easy. Is this information correct?

ASHLEY
Well how easy have they said I am?

MICHAEL
(Confused) Easy peazy lemon squeezy?

ASHLEY
You are a bit weird aren't you. I quite like it. It's a bit sexy.

THEY START DANCING TOGETHER. MICHAEL THEN DISCREETLY FARTS.

ASHLEY
What's that smell?

MICHAEL
Probably just sewers or somethin'.

ASHLEY
Hhmmm… maybe we should take this somewhere else, and get down to some business.

MICHAEL
(Cough's)… Sorry?

ASHLEY
You know. It's a little busy here. Let's get out of here.

MICHAEL
Ummmmm… O.K. I want to have intercourse with you. No foreplay though. It's against the law in the world of Michael.

MICHAEL IS NODDING, HIS EYES ARE WIDE OPEN AND IS EYEBROWS ARE RAISED.

ASHLEY
D'you know what? I think you might be too weird for me. I'm gonna have to leave now. Goodbye.

MICHAEL HUFFS. HIS PHONE THEN RINGS AND HE WALKS OFF.

SCENE 17. EXT. SMOKING AREA OF NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT.

MICHAEL ANSWERS HIS PHONE. HEATHER IS ALSO OUTSIDE SMOKING.

MICHAEL
Alright mate… yeah mate not bad mate, you alright mate?… not much mate just in asylum at the moment mate, what about you mate? Ah ok mate, speak to you soon mate, bye.

MICHAEL PUTS THE PHONE DOWN.

HEATHER
Who was that? Your mate from home? What did they want?

MICHAEL
Nah it was my mum. She was just checkin' on me, seeing how I was.

HEATHER
You talk to your mum like that?

MICHAEL
Yeah. What's wrong with that?

HEATHER
If I were your mum I'd wash your mouth out with soap!

MICHAEL
Soup? Oh I love soup, especially with some good bread.

HEATHER
You weirdo. Anyway, you gotta' light?

MICHAEL
Yeah, here.

MICHAEL PULLS A WIND-UP TORCH OUT OF HIS POCKET. HE HANDS IT OVER TO HEATHER.

HEATHER
Why have you got that?

MICHAEL
The walk home's dark and I don't wanna get attacked by some yobs! You know what they're like in the dark. They're like bats. They're asleep all day and at night they come out, turn into vampires and bite everyone.

HEATHER
And you think that that light will stop them?

MICHAEL
Well that was my thinking. I'm off to get a drink, I'll see you in a bit.

SCENE 18. INT. NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT.

JACK WALKS UP TO MICHAEL WHO IS AT THE EDGE OF THE DANCEFLOOR ON HIS OWN. MICHAEL IS HOLDING A DRINK.

JACK
Who's your mate, Teeth?

MICHAEL LOOKS TO EITHER SIDE AND LAUGHS.

MICHAEL
Ha ha very funny mate! You havin' fun then?

JACK
I am boy, that's why I need to ask you a favour. D'you have a condom I can borrow mate?

MICHAEL
You're in luck my friend. I happen to have my re-useable sheath on me.

MICHAEL HOLDS UP THE RE-USABLE CONDOM.

MICHAEL
I've washed it out since I used it last, so you don't have to worry about mess or anything.

JACK
Mate, forget it I'm not using that. Forget it I don't need your condoms.

MICHAEL
Alright mate, your losing out on a free condom.

JACK
Ok mate, I'll be back in a minute mate. I've gotta sort something out.

JACK THEN WALKS OFF TO THE DJ BOOTH.

SCENE 19. INT. DJ BOOTH. NIGHT

JACK GOES UP TO THE DJ IN THE DJ BOOTH.

JACK
Alright mate can you do a shout out mate?

DJ
What's the shout out mate?

JACK THEN SHOUTS IN THE DJ'S EAR BUT WE CANNOT HEAR WHAT HE IS SAYING.

SCENE 20. INT. NIGHTCLUB DANCEFLOOR. NIGHT.

MICHAEL WALKS ONTO THE DANCEFLOOR AND FINDS JACK. HEATHER THEN COMES OVER TO GET MICHAEL AND JACK.

DJ O/S
A shout out to Michael Booroff who's 45 today. Happy Birthday. It's a bit weird though that you're hanging out in a student nightclub, but we'll keep the tunes flowin' for ya.

HEATHER
Come on. We're all sittin' down.

MICHAEL
Argh what, just give us a second. Watch this!

MICHAEL AND JACK THEN START A PRE-REHEARSED DANCE WHICH IS VERY OVER THE TOP. AT THE END OF THE DANCE MICHAEL CONTINUES TO SWING HIS ARMS ABOUT. HE THEN ACCIDENTLY HITS A GIRL WHO IS BEHIND HIM.

MICHAEL
Oh Sorry. I'm so sorry. Are you ok?

WOMEN
What was that for? Are you some sort of idiot or somethin'.

MICHAEL
It was an accident. I'm really sorry I didn't mean to.

WOMEN
F**k off.

MICHAEL
Is there any need to swear?

WOMEN
I said f**k off!

HEATHER
Good idea, Come on.

HEATHER DRAGS MICHAEL AND JACK AWAY QUICKLY.

SCENE 21. INT. NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT

SALLY IS SITTING ROUND A TABLE WITH DRINKS. HEATHER, MICHAEL AND JACK ARRIVE. HEATHER SITS DOWN.

SALLY
What are you two like hey. You're like two peas in a…

WE THEN SEE JACK AND MICHAEL ARE DRESSED LIKE TWO PEAS IN A POD.

SALLY
That's weird. Anyone else seeing that?

MICHAEL AND JACK SIT DOWN. THEY ARE DRESSED NORMALLY AGAIN.

MICHAEL
Yep. Shhh Shhh Shhh Shhh.

SALLY LOOKS AT JACK.

MICHAEL THEN PICKS UP AN EMPTY BOTTLE OFF THE TABLE AND PUTS IT TO HIS EAR AS IF IT'S A PHONE.

SALLY
What are you doing?

MICHAEL
Shh shh shh shh… er hello, yea alright mate?… How are you mate?… good mate where abouts are you?… yea I can see you now.

SALLY
That's stupid it's not even a phone it's just a stupid bottle.

A MAN THEN WALKS PAST WITH A BOTTLE AGAINST HIS EAR LIKE A PHONE. HE WAVES AT MICHAEL AND CARRIES ON WALKING.

MICHAEL
Alright mate I'll speak to you later.

SALLY
That was weird.

SCENE 22. INT. NGHTCLUB ENTRANCE. NIGHT

ALL CHARACTERS ARE LEAVING THE NIGHTCLUB. MICHAEL IS TRAILING BEHIND EVERYONE.

HEATHER
Come on Michael. We're going to get a kebab. Hurry up.

MICHAEL
Yeah I'm just comin'.

EVERYONE CARRIES ON WALKING BUT MICHAEL IS STOPPED BY CHELSEA.

CHELSEA
Hiya Michael. What a coincidence it is seeing you here. I would love to sex you up. I think you would love it.

MICHAEL
That's very kind of you Chelsea but I'm asexual, but thanks anyway.

CHELSEA
Oh… I love your fingers. They're nice and long. I'd like to put them in juice, freeze it, and make ice lollies out of them.

MICHAEL
Errrrr… that's very kind of you but I can't right now. I need to do something first.

MICHAEL WALKS OFF.

SCENE 23. INT. COMEDY WALL. DAY

MICHAEL WALKS ONTO THE STAGE.

MICHAEL
You ready? Yep. Let's do this.

MICHAEL THEN GOES BEHIND THE COMEDY WALL. ONE CHARCATER OPENS A DOOR ON THE COMEDY WALL.

COMEDY WALL CHARACTER
Hey Michael. Knock knock.

MICHAEL THEN OPENS HIS DOOR ON THE COMEDY WALL.

MICHAEL
Who's there?

COMEDY WALL CHARACTER
Cow-go…

MICHAEL
Cow-go who?

COMEDY WALL CHARACTER
No you silly billy, cow-go MOO!

BOTH CHARACTERS CLOSE THEIR DOORS. THEY BOTH RE-OPEN THEM QUICKLY.

COMEDY WALL CHARACTERMICHAEL
Now that'… Magic!Now that'… Magic!

SCENE 24. EXT. OUTSIDE OF NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT.

BATMAN STYLE CUT SCENE AT BEGINNING OF SCENE.
ALL CHARACTERS EXCEPT MICHAEL HAVE LEFT THE NIGHTCLUB AND WALK PAST A BURGER BAR. MICHAEL THEN LEAVES THE NIGHTCLUB AND SEES THEM. HE TRIES TO GET JACK'S ATTENTION.

MICHAEL
(Shouting) Jack!

HE DOES NOT GET HIS ATTENTION, SO HE TRIES AGAIN.

MICHAEL
(Shouting) Oi! Mate!

EVERYONE AT THE BURGER BAR TURNS AROUND AS THEY THINK MICHAEL IS CALLING THEM.

ALL PEOPLE AT BURGER BAR
Yes?

MICHAEL
Sorry I was trying to get your attention (pointing at someone), or yours (pointing at someone), yours if you'll have sex with me.

WOMEN O/S
No chance.

MICHAEL
Ok, and why did you even look? I definitely wasn't trying to get your attention.

MATE TAKES A HUGE BITE OUT OF A BURGER.

MATE
My name's mate.

MICHAEL
You cannot be serious?

MICHAEL THEN RUNS OFF TO CATCH UP WITH EVERYONE. AS HE MEETS UP WITH THEM, HE BUMPS INTO SOMEONE. THEY THEN START TALKING WHILST WALKING SLOWLY, DRIFTING APART.

FELLA
Hey! Watch out mate!

MICHAEL
Hey! I'm walking here!

FELLA
Shut up mate! Who the f**k are you mate?

MICHAEL
You don't know who I am? You don't know who I am? I'm Michael Booroff!

FELLA & MATES
(Singing) Who are ya, who are ya!

MICHAEL THEN STOPS. HE IS NOW LEANING AGAINST A POSTBOX, ARMS SPREAD WIDE AS IF TO SAY "COME ON THEN!"

MICHAEL
Mate, you're lucky this postbox is in the way or I'd get you… mate you're gonna be on my cut list! oh, you've gone. Kebab time?

EVERYONE NODS THEIR HEADS. AS THEY ARE WALKING OFF A POLICEMAN COMES OVER TO MICHAEL AND STOPS HIM. EVERYONE ELSE CARRIES ON WALKING.

POLICEMAN
Excuse me mate but I need to talk to you about the assault of this women.

THE POLICEMAN POINTS AT THE WOMEN MICHAEL ACCIDENTELY HIT EARLIER.

WOMEN
Look what you've done to my face.

MICHAEL
Honestly I think I've made it look better.

JACK, SALLY AND HEATHER THEN SEE MICHAEL IS IN TROUBLE AND SHOUT TO HELP

HEATHER
(Shouting) Quick Michael, run!

MICHAEL
Don't worry, I've got an idea to fool him.

MICHAEL THEN JUMPS UP INTO THE AIR AND WE CAN'T SEE HIM. WHEN HE LANDS, WE SEE HIM AGAIN. BUT DRESSED AS A FOOTBALLER WITH A FOOTBALL. HE THEN STARTS DOING STEPOVERS WHICH TRICKS THE POLICEMAN. MICHAEL THEN SHOOTS OFF.

MICHAEL
I wish I still had those roller blades.

SCENE 25. INT. KEBAB SHOP. NIGHT

JACK, SALLY AND HEATHER ARE QUEUING FOR A KEBAB. MICHAEL RUNS INTO THE KEBAB. HE SITS DOWN NEXT TO A MAN EATING A KEBAB. HE HAS GRASS STAINS ON HIS FRONT.

MICHAEL
Cheers guys.

JACK
No problem.

THERE IS A SILENCE WHILE HEATHER IS ORDERING HER KEBAB.

MICHAEL
I don't want any salad. I don't want any salad!

SALLY
You don't have to have any salad. You're not even queuing so it doesn't matter anyway.

MICHAEL
Well I just don't want any salad.

MAN
Mate I've had enough of your moaning, here have the rest of this.

THE MAN SLIDES OVER THE REST OF HIS KEBAB, WHICH IS SALADLESS. THE REST OF THE CHARACTERS SIT DOWN AROUND HIM.

MICHAEL
Why don't you want the rest of it… what's the matter with it?

MAN
Nothing, I just don't want any more and I'm fed up of hearing you talk.

MICHAEL
Ok, you've barely eaten any though.

MAN
Shut up.

THE MAN LEAVES THE KEBAB SHOP. JACK THEN ATTEMPTS TO STEAL SOME OF MICHAEL'S KEBAB.

MICHAEL
Get back get back!

JACK HAS A SECOND ATTEMPT TO STEAL SOME OF MICHAEL'S KEBAB. MICHAEL REACTS BY TRYING TO STAB JACK'S HAND WITH HIS FORK. HIS PLAN IS FOILED WHEN THE BRISTLES ON HIS FORK BREAK.

MICHAEL
Mate. Why d'you do that? Now I'm gunna have to eat like some Neanderthal.

JACK
What about my bastard hand. You cut me… blud!

SCENE 26. EXT. OUTSIDE OF KEBAB SHOP. NIGHT

ALL CHARACTERS WALK OUT OF THE KEBAB SHOP. A CAR THEN PULLS UP BESIDE THEM.

JACK
Yeah, so we're getting' a lift with my mate.

MICHAEL
I've got cotton mouth. I'm just gonna get a coke. Give me a sec.

MICHAEL WALKS BACK INTO THE KEBAB SHOP. EVERYONE ELSE GETS IN THE CAR AND THE CAR DRIVES OFF.

SCENE 27. EXT. CAR. NIGHT

SALLY, HEATHER AND JACK ARE IN THE BACK. THE DRIVER AND HIS MATE ARE IN THE FRONT.

DRIVER
We might be a bit, as I gotta drop off my mate first.

HEATHER
No problem.

DRIVER
Ummm… Jan Aage Fjortoft.

JACK
What a player..! Freddy Guarin.

DRIVER
Good one… Gary Kelly!

JACK
Ummmm. Ummmm. Ah shit it's a K… I give up I just can't think of one. K's are always the hardest. Can we stop at a newsagent so I can read world soccer magazine to get some answers.

DRIVER
In your dreams mate. I'm havin' a win there! So, was there a band at asylum tonight?

HEATHER
Bands don't play there anymore.

JACK
There's too much fighting on the dancefloor.

A SONG THEN COMES ON THE RADIO. ALL CHARACTERS IN THE CAR START SINGING ALONG. (SONG – DOWN AND OUT – FROM BUGSY MALONE)

HEATHER
Wait… where's Michael

WE THEN SEE MICHAEL RUNNING AFTER THE CAR.

MICHAEL
WAIT! WAIT FOR ME! PLEASE!

SCENE 28. EXT. STREET CORNER. NIGHT

MICHAEL IS WALKING BACK. ON THE STREET CORNER THERE IS TWO BLOKES SQUARING UP TO EACH OTHER. MICHAEL RUNS IN TO STOP THE FIGHTING.

GUY 1
F**king Prick!

GUY 2
Come on then. You f**king want some!

MICHAEL
Whoa whoa whoa lads, calm down. Make love not war.

THE BLOKES STEP BACK AND GIVE MICHAEL AN ODD LOOK.

MICHAEL
Ok. You've both calmed down? Looks like my work here is done.

AS MICHAEL WALKS OFF THE TWO BLOKES START FIGHTING IN THE DISTANCE.

SCENE 29. INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT

MICHAEL IS SITTING IN THE KITCHEN EATING HIS KEBAB. ALL OTHER CHARACTERS COME INTO THE KITCHEN AND SIT DOWN.

MICHAEL
Turn up when you want?

SALLY
How about shut up.

MICHAEL
Don't worry about me I'll just walk home.

JACK
That's ok. We thought you needed some exercise.

SALLY
(To Michael) Are you gonna finish that? I'm really hungry still.

MICHAEL
Yes. Yes I am.

SALLY
Well if you don't, hand it to me and I'll finish it for you.

MICHAEL
Just f**king leave me alone… please! Just let me eat in peace.

JACK
So Michael, what happened with Ashley? She was a girl right?

MICHAEL
Yes she was a girl. She cheated on me with some other bloke.

JACK
How did you know it was a bloke? I heard a rumour that she became a lesbian after she saw your face in the light.

HEATHER
I heard that she wasn't even real and you two made her up.

MICHAEL
She was definitely real.

HEATHER
Well did anyone else see her?

MICHAEL
Nope.

HEATHER
I rest my case.

MICHAEL
I think I know why she left with someone else. I think she found out that I was wearing a Primark t-shirt under my shirt.

JACK
Really? Just think, lady luck is fickle, but a lady is allowed to change her mind.

MICHAEL
What does that even mean?

JACK SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.

MICHAEL
Ah well. I think it's time for bed.

SCENE 30. INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM. NIGHT

MICHAEL HAS JUST TUCKED HIMSELF INTO BED, WEARING TRADITIONAL PAJAMAS, A NIGHT CAP AND A TEDDY BEAR.

MICHAEL
Good night Everyone.

WE THEN SEE JACK IN TUCKED IN BED WEARING EXACTLY THE SAME AS MICHAEL.

JACK
Good night Michael.

WE THEN SEE HEATHER IN TUCKED IN BED WEARING EXACTLY THE SAME AS MICHAEL.

HEATHER
Good night Michael

WE THEN SEE SALLY IN TUCKED IN BED WEARING EXACTLY THE SAME AS MICHAEL.

SALLY
Night Michael

WE THEN SEE THAT ALL CHARACTERS ARE IN THE SAME BED TOGETHER.

MICHAEL
Who would've thought that we could fit all of us into one bed.

END MUSIC AND CREDITS

END OF EPISODE.

Now I know you've just taped all the conversations during a Saturday night's clubbing and written them as a script.

Shouldn't you have sorted out the first half before doing the second?
You've ignored all the advice given.

Oh, and a bit of advice.
It's obvious that Michael is based on yourself, so next time a girl (Ashley) in a club starts showing interest in you, don't start blurting about sexual intercourse.

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ July 15 2009, 1:35 PM BST

Shouldn't you have sorted out the first half before doing the second?
You've ignored all the advice given.

View original

I think he'd probably already written it. He just posted the first 10 pages up as a taster.