'SexLess' -- Sitcom

First ten minutes of a sitcom I'm writing, first time I've posted up here as well. The sitcom is called 'SexLess' which is a website where struggling bachelors talk about their failure with the opposite. The sitcom follows the struggles of Tim and Tom. Hope you like it, thanks.

'SexLess' Episode One - first ten minutes

INT. FRONT HALLWAY -- TIM AND TOM'S FLAT - NIGHT

Late at night, in a very average, rather small flat in London.

Keys jingle in a lock outside and then the front door opens. A scruffy, tired-looking man in his late 20s walks in and closes the door behind him. He is handsome in a very average way, wears smartish clothes and is of an average height and build. All round a very average guy.

This is TIM.

INT. LIVING ROOM -- TIM AND TOM'S FLAT - NIGHT

In the living room there is a large, worn out sofa, a comfy chair next to it, a fairly modern TV, small table in the middle with a few soft porn mags and empty takeaway boxes and another, fairly average guy sitting on the sofa with a laptop open and resting on his lap. This guy is a little younger than Tim, perhaps a little more naive and is the follower of the two.

This is TOM.

Tim enters the living room. Huffs and puffs in an angry, resentful tone as he chucks his keys onto the table and collapses into the comfy chair, closing his eyes.

TOM
(not looking up from his laptop)
Go well, did it?

Tim opens his eyes. Stares at Tom.

TIM
Let's see, I've come home alone and -

Checks his watch.

TIM
(CONT'D)
- before midnight, plus I'm not jumping up and down like a yo-yo on steroids.

TOM
Didn't go well then.

TIM
It was like all the others.

TOM
Not very well then.

TIM
YES! It was a complete and utter waste of time and money! Is that what you wanted to hear!?

Tom thinks a moment, then passes his laptop over to Tim. Tim doesn't want to take it though.

TOM
Go on, Tim, write it on the site.

TIM
No, no, I don't want to.

TOM
Tim, you have to write it on the site. As a respected member of SexLess.com you are duty bound to write everything on the site.

Tim groans.

TOM
(CONT'D)
If you dont, I'll tell the guys and they won't be happy with you.

TIM
(defensive)
Tom! You wouldn't.

TOM
I would, Tim.

TIM
No, Tom!

TOM
Tim.

TIM
Tom!

TOM
Tim!

TIM
Tom!

TOM
Tim!

TIM
Fine! Fine, I'll do it.

Tim takes the laptop from Tom and starts typing...

TIM
(VO, as he types)
Hello SexLess members, it's Tim here and I've just come back - early as always. It's fair to say, the night didn't go as planned...

INT. POSH RESTAURANT - NIGHT -- FLASHBACK

Earlier in the night, Tim sits at a two-person table - alone. Everyone around him is with someone and he sits there rather awkwardly waiting for his date.

A smart, pretty woman waves at Tim from the entrance. Tim spots her and smiles back - mostly in relief. The woman is led to their table, her name is CLARICE.

CLARICE
Hi, Tim, sorry I'm late - completely lost track of time.

Tim goes to stand up to help Clarice to her seat - the gentlemen thing to do - but the WAITER beats him to it.

CLARICE
(sitting down, to the waiter)
Thank you.

She doesn't see Tim return to his seat, awkwardly smiling and secretly hating the waiter.

CLARICE
(CONT'D, to Tim)
As I was saying, I am so sorry.

TIM
Oh, don't worry about it, I haven't been here long.

CLARICE
(smiling)
Really?

TIM
No, just, er... well, about, half an hour.

CLARICE
Oh dear, I am sorry.

Clarice picks up the menu and starts choosing her food, Tim meanwhile and under his breath adds:

TIM
(whisper, to himself)
And another half an hour on top of that.

CLARICE
(looking round her menu)
What did you say?

TIM
Nothing. Nothing, just something in my throat.

CLARICE
(returning to her menu)
Oh, OK. My goodness, it all looks so good, doesn't it?

TIM
I know.

CLARICE
I don't know how I'm going to choose. Have you chosen?

TIM
Yes.

CLARICE
What are you having?

TIM
The spaghetti bolognese.

CLARICE
Hm, sounds lovely, but I think I'll go a little more extravagant, if you don't mind.

TIM
That's absolutely fine.

INT. LIVING ROOM -- TIM AND TOM'S FLAT - NIGHT

Back to the present day, Tim is still sitting in his comfy chair typing away on the laptop. Tom stands behind him, reading what he is typing.

TOM
Seems like a good start to the night, mate.

Tim stops typing, a resentful look on his face. Tom stays silent, waiting. Tim resumes typing.

INT. POSH RESTAURANT - NIGHT -- FLASHBACK

It's an awkward atmosphere, at best, but it's broken by the waiter arriving with their meal. He sets a plate of spaghetti bolognese in front of Tim and a bowl of classy, creamy soup in front of Clarice.

TIM
Oh, thank you, thank you. Thank you very much.

The waiter leaves.

TIM
Thanks, nice waiter... Hm, this looks delicious.

CLARICE
It does.

They begin their meal, although Tim cannot stop talking - nerves perhaps getting the better of him.

TIM
I mean, I - I love spaghetti bolognese. It's such a fantastic meal, must say though I'm not a big fan of soup.

CLARICE
Oh, really.

TIM
No, never tried it.

CLARICE
Perhaps you should try it, you never know, you might like it.

TIM
Nope, can't get over the fact that it looks like puke.

Tim laughs, Clarice smiles weakly back. Seconds pass and Tim finally puts a stop to his forced laughter.

TIM
(CONT'D)
No, but, seriously though... er... yeah, so what was it you said you did again?

CLARICE
I'm an accountant.

TIM
Oh, wow, that sounds quite interesting -

CLARICE
I hate it.

TIM
(about turn struggling to think of what to say)
Well, yeah, I suppose we've all got to... work because... otherwise... how would we pay for things.

Clarice nods, but she seems more interested in her soup.

Tim, absent mindedly, starts adding spices to his bolognese... an abnormal amount of spices... while he continues talking.

TIM
(CONT'D)
You know, accounting is a, is a... service, you know. Where would we be without it? Probably... not in a very good place, I imagine. So, er -

CLARICE
What is it you do, Tim?

TIM
Oh, me, me... you want to know what I do... well, I'll tell you. I am a... Team Leader - I lead the team - in a shop, a -

CLARICE
A supermarket?

TIM
Erm, well, no, we're a bit more low key, you know, a bit more local, er, than your average... your average supermarket. Nothing too super about them though [nervous laugh]

CLARICE
What kind of shop is it?

Tim still absent mindedly adding spices to his spaghetti, Clarice notices and is a little confused.

TIM
The shop is... the shop is a technical shop, specializing in mobile phones, erm, computer repair, things like that. Erm, we had a TV department -

CLARICE
(impressed)
Really?

TIM
Yes. Well, when I say department, I really mean... a TV.

CLARICE
One TV.

TIM
We sold it though - well, not as much 'sold it' but more really... traded it, you know.

CLARICE
Traded it for what?

TIM
For what, erm, well, it was a... not really anything, because it was a fundraising event. You know, giving something back to society. We held a raffle and the prize was a TV.

CLARICE
Wow, that's really good. How much did you raise?

TIM
£52.

CLARICE
Oh, well, every little helps, I suppose.

TIM
Yeah, the TV cost over four hundred but... the thought that counts.

Clarice nods, and then decides to intervene with Tim's spices.

CLARICE
I'm sorry but you're adding an awful lot of spices to your bolognese. Are you sure -

Tim realises, imediately stops and immediately tries to cover it up.

TIM
Oh, God - I mean, no, I'm fine, I... I like spice... I do.

CLARICE
Oh, well, enjoy.

Clarice turns to her soup, leaving Tim to his bolognese. He looks at the dish with horror. He's petrified.

With a shaking hand he takes a mouthful of spaghetti and eats it...

His eyes water. His face turns red. He's struggling to breath normally but he's pretending as if everything's fine. Clarice notices though that he is struggling.

CLARICE
Are you alright?

TIM
What? Oh, yeah, I'm fine, I'm totally awesome... Couldn't be better, with you - and my spaghetti.

Clarice turns to her soup again. Tim, with a heavy heart, takes another mouthful of spaghetti.

He keels over. Out of his chair. Choking as if steam were coming from his mouth.

TIM
(bent over)
Oh God! Oh God! So hot!

Clarice squeals, the waiter runs over to help Tim.

Tim is on all fours on the floor, breathing in loud, heavy bursts. The waiter hands him a drink of water and Tim gulps it down and splashes his face.

TIM
Ah... Oh, that's better. Much better.

The waiter helps Tim back to his seat, Clarice settles and the night resumes. Tim tries to resume conservation, despite the fact that Clarice is stunned to silent staring.

TIM
Well, how... how are you? Is the soup nice?... Is it good?

Clarice just stares.

TIM
(CONT'D)
Is it too hot?

INT. LIVING ROOM -- TIM AND TOM'S FLAT - NIGHT

Tim stops typing, resenting every word he puts down. Tom stands over him, he finishes reading and:

TOM
Well, you know, not to do that next time. But, mate, at least it's over now.

Tim pauses for a moment...

Then resumes typing...

More to come, not sure when though. Week at max.

haven't read it yet...but will...but "This guy is a little younger than Tim, perhaps a little more naive and is the follower of the two."

This is TV show...not a novel! Let us see through dialogue what they are like.

Some ok bits, "Is it too hot?" was funny.....but it took a long load of unfunny yacking to get there...also, too much description in the text. The script should tell us if someone is happy, sad, angry...I don't want to read, between dialogues, that someone is XYZ emotion...I want it to be obvious.

Also - I didnt get tims personality, at the start of the date he was hostile (muttering under his breath), then he went absent minded, then he went nervous....I wasnt sure how I'd describe him, he certainly left no obvious character trait I could grab onto.

Quote: writer_for_hire @ July 9 2009, 3:05 PM BST

INT. FRONT HALLWAY -- TIM AND TOM'S FLAT - NIGHT

Late at night, in a very average, rather small flat in London.

Keys jingle in a lock outside and then the front door opens. A scruffy, tired-looking man in his late 20s walks in and closes the door behind him. He is handsome in a very average way, wears smartish clothes and is of an average height and build. All round a very average guy.

This is TIM.

INT. LIVING ROOM -- TIM AND TOM'S FLAT - NIGHT

In the living room there is a large, worn out sofa, a comfy chair next to it, a fairly modern TV, small table in the middle with a few soft porn mags and empty takeaway boxes and another, fairly average guy sitting on the sofa with a laptop open and resting on his lap. This guy is a little younger than Tim, perhaps a little more naive and is the follower of the two.

This is TOM.

Tim enters the living room. Huffs and puffs in an angry, resentful tone as he chucks his keys onto the table and collapses into the comfy chair, closing his eyes.

TOM
(not looking up from his laptop)
Go well, did it?

View original

I agree that this is far too long - especially at this stage.

You could simply say set in present time. Typical lad's flat.

Tim (28) huffing and puffing enters living room and collapses on the sofa.

Tom (25) is at his laptop.

TOM
(not looking up from his laptop)
Go well, did it?

OK I'm not perfect at format but you can see the difference in preamble. Readers want to get to the gist of it and also as already commented on you should only say what people see or hear - if he's naive you have to show that somehow.

At the moment the jokes are too thinly spread but I do like the concept, I'm intrigued to know where it's going. Do you know that yourself or are you finding out as you write? The dialogue flows nicely as well. I'd definitely carry on with it but do cut a lot of the waffle which could well put others off reading it.

Hope that's not too harsh.

JP

I know what you are saying, I've only just started writing so obviously I have to practice my technique and all that.

When I wrote that Tim was naive I meant that for the reader, basically whoever would be playing him would know to play him as naive.

This is a first draft though so I am still feeling out these characters myself, I appreciate all the advice and will keep up with this. I like where this is going personally, it's very much a character-driven sitcom so I'm going to carry on with it and I'll take all your points on board.

Thanks for your help

Hi WFH,

It's all a bit heavy going. Develop the characters.

As a first draft, concentrate on writing the comedy, not directing it too.

Must echo what everyone has said about he stage directions. Also the Tim/Tom stuff is going to get old pretty quickly - and is going to make the script confusing for the reader. It is a good rule to keep names as different as possible.

I do not eat out much, but I have never been served a spice tray with spagbol. In any case it is too obvious just to have him put on too much spice because he is distracted - to make the gag work you need a more developed comic logic to explain his actions.

The premise, particularly with the flashbacks, is a little too reminiscent of Coupling and Love Soup.

Having said all that, it didn't stink, which for a first draft of an unfinished script is an achievement in itself.

Quote: Griff @ July 12 2009, 1:05 PM BST

Also Tim and Tom carries alarming echoes of Walker and Seefacts.

View original

Now there is a sitcom right there...

Not really believing the restaurant scenario.

I'll have something extravagant....the soup??
Usually the cheapest thing on the menu.
And I don't believe there's anyone who hasn't 'tried' soup.
(I understand it's there to set up the sick line, but it just doesn't ring true)
Spice? What spice? Black Pepper, possibly;chile sauce [but not with spag bog].
Again, doesn't ring true.

If I don't believe the scene, I don't 'feel' for the character and his predicament.

And anyway, I want to know more about the website - strikes me that this is where the comedt should be coming from.

I echo what has been said.

Especially regarding the spice scenerio. Why not just make him keep saying the wrong things which escalate?

Oh, I'd like to ask... Have you checked whether sexless.com already exists?
Could be a problem. And what if it's a porn site? You'd be giving them free publicity.

Ok sexless.com is a porn site, not sure what type cos I didn't enter it but... yeah... may have to re-think this one.

Altho I'm going to go with the same theme and ideas behind what I'm doing but maybe approaching it from a different angle. Cheers everyone, hopefully will be posting a revised draft soon.

Quote: Lazzard @ July 12 2009, 2:10 PM BST

I'll have something extravagant....the soup??
Usually the cheapest thing on the menu.

View original

Isn't that the joke? If it isn't, I laughed.

Also I don't see how someone claiming to have never tried soup in a sitcom is too implausible. I think the notion of someone having never tried soup is funny in itself, if it sets up a gag then it's entirely justified.

That was lucky.
Just imagine the TV producer reading your script then logging on out of curiosity. They would thin it's your website and hat the script is merely a blatant advert for it.

The show could still be called SexLess, but it just needs a slightly different (but unused) domain name.

Well, here's what I'd do.
Think of a fictional domain, AND register it.

If it got to TV, curious people WOULD type it in their browser. Then you could somehow use it to make money.

Quote: evelynblake @ July 12 2009, 7:41 PM BST

Isn't that the joke? If it isn't, I laughed.

Also I don't see how someone claiming to have never tried soup in a sitcom is too implausible. I think the notion of someone having never tried soup is funny in itself, if it sets up a gag then it's entirely justified.

View original

It isn't the joke,
Later on he describes the soup as 'classy' , implying it is expensive.

The way to get the soup and the extravagance in would be along the lines of:

"I'll just have the soup. And the lobster thermidore to follow."

Quote: Timbo @ July 12 2009, 11:42 PM BST

The way to get the soup and the extravagance in would be along the lines of:

"I'll just have the soup. And the lobster thermidore to follow."

View original

That's working already.
Gives the guy a chance to breathe a sigh of relief at the first order then panic over the second.
Plus I camn imagine it happenning.