Bed Bouncer

INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.

THERE IS THE SOUND OF CREAKING FLOOR BOARDS UPSTAIRS.

MUM
(TUTS)
Our daughter kindly invites her boyfriend over and he takes advantage by bouncing on her bed, the cheek of it!

DAD
(WAVES IT OFF)
Leave them to it; they aren’t causing you any harm.

MUM
They are to my ears; those noisy bed springs are putting all sorts of images in my head.

DAD
Well put some ear muffs on if it bothers you that much.

BOYFRIEND STARTS TO GROAN UPSTAIRS AND DAUGHTER SUDDENLY SCREAMS.

MUM
That’s it; I’m not having it anymore!

MUM STANDS UP AND RUNS UPSTAIRS. SHE BURSTS INTO HER DAUGHTERS BEDROOM AND BOYFRIEND IS JUMPING ON THE BED.

BILLY (BOYFRIEND)
Yippee.

MUM
What is going on here, why did you scream Michelle?

MICHELLE (DAUGHTER)
Billy almost fell off the bed.

BILLY
As if, I had it under control.

MICHELLE
Stop being cocky, you’re not even wearing any protection.

BILLY
Live for the moment and take risks is the way I like to play it, you’re just too cautious.

BILLY DOES A STAR JUMP.

MUM
Get out of my house now you rude boy!

BILLY
But//

MUM
But nothing!

MUM PULLS BILLY BY THE EAR AND CHUCKS HIM OUT OF THE BEDROOM.

MUM
(SHOUTS TO HUSBAND)
Put the rubbish out will you sweetheart and whilst you’re at it kick Michelle’s latest fling onto the heap of hedge cuttings.

MUM SHUTS DOOR AND COMFORTS HER DAUGHTER. MICHELLE BURSTS OUT CRYING.

MICHELLE
I only wanted a shag.

MUM
I know you did darling, Billy was just an immature prat.

MICHELLE
He had a massive dick though Mum.

MUM
Well clearly he didn’t know how to use it, bouncing his balls on a mattress is not the way to turn a woman on.

MICHELLE
I guess you’re right.

MICHELLE HUGS HER MUM.

MUM
Don’t worry, you will find someone eventually. Try picking a guy that isn’t so adventurous next time.

MICHELLE
I can’t do that, adventurous blokes are my type. I love kinky action and the karma sutra is like a bible to me.

MUM
In that case you will never get laid then, the free spirited lad you were seeing before Billy enjoyed swinging from the lamp shades!

END.

I really don't think your stuff is meant for me, Martin.

Don't read it then pal! Looking at your negative comments towards other people's work as well I generally don't think comedy is your thing period.

You can't attack the audience Martin. If people don't like your stuff, you're f**ked as a comedian, unless you want to perform to your family.

When there is no feedback for a sketch, it is likely that the sketch defies simple and constructive criticism.

I think that this is the case here. However, because you put it up and I read it I'll have a go. It's too crude. Crudity is only acceptable if you are shockingly funny. The sketch isn't funny at all. The idea behind the sketch is a simple reversal, but it isn't especially unexpected or surreal. There is too much dialogue. The dialogue is unrealistic, but not funny either. There are two locations - three if you count the staircase - Most sketches take place in one location.

I agree with GTaxis as far as attaxcking goes. I can understand why you feel a little offended though but don't let it get to you. I don't think anyone really means any harm.

I also agree that there is too much dialogue. You need to keep your sketch to the minimum otherwise the reader's attention will wander and it will lose its impact.

Have a re-write and you may find that it might start to take a different shape as it evolves.

Sorry, if it had been anyone else I wouldn't have bothered but Dave Hedgehog seems to get a kick out of giving unhelpful one liners to people on this site! Thanks for reading and giving some advice though. Your right about it being too long, that is something I've got to improve on.

I think you'll find I've written in quite some detail about other stuff on here.

Short sketches are really only likely to receive one sentence responses. Either people like it or they don't. I posted a sketch on here to get a guideline for my work, and that's all I got, a one sentence response, which is great. At least people responded.

If I'd written ten pages of something then it'd be nice if people wrote more, which they tend to do, if they can be bothered to get through it. It's hard work when you're not being paid for it.

To be fair, it's the sort of sketch I may have written when I was first getting into comedy writing, but having read lots of quality material over the years, it just doesn't cut it.

I went for the kinder response than saying it was weak, laboured, crude etc. But
I promise not to read any more of your work.

Guess I was asking for that...

I also feel that there is far too much dialogue however could be something there as quickie.
Liked the visual gag of the star jump(in my head it was pulled off nicely)
I feel crude works best with it delivered at the end not all the way through, so ending with all I wanted was a shag could be funny having all the other stuff(bouncing balls/massive dick) can wear a little thin.

Hope that helps