Advice for Metropolitans

I found myself unusually having to catch a rush hour tube through King's Cross today and noticed the following: Massive queues for the gates to enter the station via stairs but none for the lifts. So I got a lift and caught my tube on time. And it got me thinking any other advice for visitors to the metropolis in which one lives?

Sootyj would like to add the following.

1 Commuters are both violent and territorial. Never ever make eye contact as this will inevitably lead to a fight to the death. Look at your London Lite!

2 By law you are obliged to kick any French tourist or language student up the bum and demand they thank you for saving them in 1939/45/66 Do this 5 times and you're entitled to tea with the Queen.

3 Buy an Oyster card they get you half price on the buses. And work out bus routes saves you walking miles from Tube stations.

4 It is illegal for any Welsh person to be in the capital with out writen permission of the Queen. Call the Police if you see one.

5 Don't talk to anyone on the Tube. I believe Jean Charles was actually shot for telling some one "Cheer up, it might never happen."

6 Don't feed any of the feral creatures in London including; pigeons, squirrels, rats and most of all Cockneys.

I make eye contact on the tube and have known to get into conversations!

I would advise people to move down the bloody carriage so people can get on and off. Unless you're very short and can't reach the overhead hand rail.

If you're on escalators, and don't want to walk up/down, the stand on the right. ON THE RIGHT. What, you thought you were being clever finding yourself a whole half an escalator to stand on. That everyone else was stood on the right for a laugh. The sign says, stand on the right. STAND ON THE RIGHT.

And don't believe the tube map. It may be a beautifully designed map, but it bears no relation to the geographical distance in reality. Use an A-Z as well.

And if it would take you fifteen minutes to walk, then walk. You'll be walking for fifteen minutes getting to and from your tube.This way you might actually see something.

7 Don't try to talk to someone going the opposite way on the escalators.

Do NOT stand on the left! I will shout at you.

Do let people off the tube first.

Do NOT try and read your London Lite/ Metro etc on a packed train.

move to the country,
people are nicer,
racist but nicer...

Wait for people to get off the tube first.

If no one is sitting next to some one on a crowded tube and there's a funny smell. They've probably shat themselves or are a Labour front bencher both bad options.

City Hall and Westminsters are great places to steal bicycles from politicians and mayors who really don't want to have to ride them.

Have your money ready when you queue in shops. Have your ticket ready at the ticket barrier. Don't stop as you soon as you step off the escalator to look at the signs.

Quote: metrophage @ July 8 2009, 12:25 PM BST

move to the country,
people are nicer,
racist but nicer...

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Missing racists? Then simply take a London Cab and ask why he costs more than a minicab.

Quote: sootyj @ July 8 2009, 12:26 PM BST

If no one is sitting next to some one on a crowded tube and there's a funny smell. They've probably shat themselves or are a Labour front bencher both bad options.

View original

I got on a tube carriage once that was empty apart from one man, and when the doors closed, I realised why. This man was throwing up into his jumper, and instead of getting off the tube, kept going. So disgusting. Myself and another person quickly vacated the carriage at the next stop.

Quote: sootyj @ July 8 2009, 12:27 PM BST

Missing racists? Then simply take a London Cab and ask why he costs more than a minicab.

View original

I used a minicab and a black cab for the same journey yesterday and the mini cab was £1.60 dearer.

No way! Did you negotiate the Minicab in advance?

N.B. I'm amazed by the number of people I know who get totally freaked out by underground, especially when you have to change between lines.

Also groups who meet up underground and block walk ways are scum and inevitably American.

Any advice from other Metropoles; Manchester, Cardiff, Scotland?

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ July 8 2009, 12:29 PM BST

I used a minicab and a black cab for the same journey yesterday and the mini cab was £1.60 dearer.

View original

Did you use each of them like skis?

Quote: Rob H @ July 8 2009, 12:33 PM BST

Did you use each of them like skis?

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No, like skates.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ July 8 2009, 12:21 PM BST

I make eye contact on the tube and have known to get into conversations!

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Pervert.