Comedy for Children

I haven't seen many attempts at Comedy for children on this site and thought I should give it a try.

FADE FROM BLACK.

INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT.

A WINDOW COVERED IN MOSS. POLICE SIRENS WAIL IN THE DISTANCE. A DARK ROOM, DANK AND WITHOUT AIR. STEVE (30'S) SITS ON A STAINED MATTRESS. HE HOLDS HIS EAR UP AGAINST THE WALL.

WE HEAR KNOCKS AND THE LOW DROWNS OF VOICES COMING FROM A ROOM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL.

STEVE CLOSES HIS EYES AND PRESSES HIS EAR CLOSER TO THE WALL.

STEVE V/O: I wish I was in that room.

A SMALL STREAM OF MUCUS SLIPS FROM HIS NOSE.

FADE TO BLACK.

Apart from windows not growing moss and "drowns" might be better as drones I don't get the humour. Sound's more like a nasty peodophile scene and I can't see kids laughing their socks off?

I didn't know what to do or say about this, did you just not paste the half of the page with the punch line?

Thank you for your responses, I thought it was perfect, but I could be wrong. Maybe it needs somthing more at the end, a 'Punch Line' as you put it. This is my first attempt at writing for Children, so the first few attempts are likly to be not so good.

Maybe...

...STEVE CLOSES HIS EYES AND PRESSES HIS EAR CLOSER TO THE WALL.

STEVE V/O: I wish I was in that room.

A SMALL STREAM OF MUCUS SLIPS FROM HIS NOSE. SUDDENLY A GREAT CRACK APPEARS ON THE WALL. SHOCK FLASHES ONTO STEVE'S FACE AS THE WALL COMES CRUMBERLING DOWN.

HE FALLS HEAD OVER HEAL AND LANDS ON THE FLOOR IN THE NEXT ROOM. TWO OLD LADIES, DRESSED AS SNAILS ARE FIGHTING OVER A LOAF OF BREAD.

STEVE LOOKS DIRECTLY TO CAMERA

STEVE: Now I wish I wasn't in this room.

FADE TO BLACK.

This thread is the worst fishing attempt since Chief Brody climbed aboard the Orca, carrying a jam jar on a piece of string.

Quote: steven @ July 2 2009, 12:43 PM BST

This thread is the worst fishing attempt since Chief Brofy climbed aboard the Orca, carrying a jam jar on a piece of string.

View original

By posting something on Critique, surely one is 'fishing' for an opinion on their work. No matter what you think, it is creative writing. Childish perhaps - suitable for children? Perhaps not. However the directions/props are a bit ambitious. For instance; of the following...

* A SMALL STREAM OF MUCUS
* A GREAT CRACK ON THE WALL
* THE WALL COMES CRUMBLING DOWN
* TWO OLD LADIES, DRESSED AS SNAILS
* A LOAF OF BREAD.

... the 'loaf of bread' would be the easiest to produce.

And don't forget that it's Sebastian Topp's first attempt at writing for Children - and as such, is admirable and should not be discouraged by dismissive comments.

Quote: Joseff @ July 2 2009, 2:27 PM BST

By posting something on Critique, surely one is 'fishing' for an opinion on their work. No matter what you think, it is creative writing. Childish perhaps - suitable for children? Perhaps not. However the directions/props are a bit ambitious. For instance; of the following...

* A SMALL STREAM OF MUCUS
* A GREAT CRACK ON THE WALL
* THE WALL COMES CRUMBLING DOWN
* TWO OLD LADIES, DRESSED AS SNAILS
* A LOAF OF BREAD.

... the 'loaf of bread' would be the easiest to produce.

And don't forget that it's Sebastian Topp's first attempt at writing for Children - and as such, is admirable and should not be discouraged by dismissive comments.

View original

I don't think this piece would have received those comments if it seemed like a serious attempt at writing something funny, rather than a puerile attempt to waste people's time critiquing it.

Quote: Rob H @ July 2 2009, 2:41 PM BST

I don't think this piece would have received those comments if it seemed like a serious attempt at writing something funny, rather than a puerile attempt to waste people's time critiquing it.

View original

I didn't consider it a waste of time critiquing it. Just because Sebastian Topp obviously has a different sense of humour than yourself (or indeed a sense of humour), it is rather dishonourable that you dismiss his sketch without any constructive criticism.

Quote: Joseff @ July 2 2009, 3:01 PM BST

I didn't consider it a waste of time critiquing it. Just because Sebastian Topp obviously has a different sense of humour than yourself (or indeed a sense of humour), it is rather dishonourable that you dismiss his sketch without any constructive criticism.

View original

Ok fair enough: I didn't like it. Didn't see where there was a joke, and in my humble opinion it didn't come across as a serious piece of writing.

Constructive enough?

Troll Up! Troll Up!
All the fun of the fair!

Wo wo! Let's avoid a massacre like the last one.

If you think someone's a troll then PM the mods. Or just ignore them.

Quote: sootyj @ July 2 2009, 3:18 PM BST

Wo wo! Let's avoid a massacre like the last one.

If you think someone's a troll then PM the mods. Or just ignore them.

View original

Whoops!
I retract fully.
The sketch was shit though.

There's a 'Report' button you can click at the bottom of each post, if you feel it's worthy of a mods attention.

Ahh well. T'was fishing (but not for a fight), sadly no one bit. Could have been a running gag so to speak.

I think my sense of comedy is a little childish, In fact I think that's why I love it. I still laugh at ridiculous extremes, like the time I saw a lady walking down the street drinking a tiny smoothie sample through a large straw

I was hoping people would pick up on the idea of someone supposedly writing comedy for children, but it being so dark a sordid.

Dose every post have to be Set up, Punchline?

Sebastian Topp is not me, It's a character. Tell me what you think. And in light of recent reactions, be genital.

http://sebastiantopp.blogspot.com/

Quote: Rob H @ July 2 2009, 3:06 PM BST

Ok fair enough: I didn't like it. Didn't see where there was a joke, and in my humble opinion it didn't come across as a serious piece of writing.

Constructive enough?

View original

Yes, I partly agree re. the joke. However, I thought it was a brave attempt. The two old ladies dressed as snails made me chuckle. Therefore I'm wondering; should it be classed as 'Kidult' comedy? Hopefully after digesting our critiques, Sebastian will come up with a re-write - or someone else will come up with a re-write for that matter!