Guys and Dolls

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

GUY WRITHES ATOP A BLOW UP SEX DOLL, EVENTUALLY REACHING A SHUDDERING CLIMAX.

INT. NEWSAGENTS - DAY

GUY IS SHOPPING. HE GOES TO PLUCK SOME TOILET ROLL FROM THE SHELF BUT A PLASTIC HAND GETS THERE FIRST. TURNING AROUND, WE SEE IT'S THE SEX DOLL.

GUY:
(SURPRISED) Oh, hi, how are you? God, I haven't seen you since… how have you been?

CUT BETWEEN THE TWO AS IF A REGULAR CONVERSATION, THOUGH THE SEX DOLL'S 'O' SHAPED MOUTH STAYS FROZEN AND WE NEVER HEAR HER SPEAK.

GUY (CONT):
That's great!... Running your own spin class? Wow! Not that I'm surprised, you were always so fi…

HE LOOKS DOWN AND IS ALARMED TO SEE HER BELLY BULGE.

GUY (CONT):
You're… did someone over-inflate you?... Oh, I see, I had no idea. No, I… (HORRIFIED) What? Mine? How did this happen?... No, I mean how could you do this? How could you not tell me?... Of course I'd want to know! Jesus! This is - this is too much; I have to…

HE STAGGERS OUT, KNOCKING OVER A GREETING CARD RACK ON HIS WAY OUT. FOR ONCE THE SEX DOLL'S EXPRESSION IS JUST RIGHT.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

GUY AND THE SEX DOLL ARE SAT ENJOYING A CANDLELIT MEAL.

GUY:
… look, I'm really sorry about what happened before, it was just such a shock… (LAUGHING) well, yeah, I suppose that is an understatement!

HE SPOONS A PIECE OF STEAK INTO HER MOUTH. IT FALLS OUT AND PLOPS ONTO THE TABLE. THIS GOES UNACKNOWLEDGED.

GUY (CONT):
(SUDDENLY SERIOUS) I was thinking, if you wanted, I'd like to be part of this – be part of your life…I know, I know, this isn't the way things are usually done, but if we give it a go, I don't know, maybe we could make it work. (LOOKING AT HER BELLY) …For their sake.

A LINGERING SHOT AS GUY MAKES LOVING EYES AT HER. A TEAR ROLLS DOWN THE SEX DOLL'S CHEEK.

EXT. RIVERSIDE – DAY

GUY AND THE SEX DOLL ARE OUT FOR A STROLL, ALL SMILES (WELL, GUY AT LEAST). PASSING UNDER A BRIDGE, THEY'RE SUDDENLY SET UPON BY A COUPLE OF YOUTHS.

YOUTH #1:
Give us your stuff, man!

GUY:
Chill out, guys; here, take what you want.

HE SHAKILY HANDS OVER HIS WALLET AND MOBILE. THE YOUTHS LOOK TO THE SEX DOLL, WHO ISN'T REACTING.

GUY (CONT):
Just give them your bag... Come on, love, it's only money!

THE YOUTHS EYEBALL HER BUT SHE'S NOT BUDGING.

YOUTH #2
She's got to the count of three, yo! One… two…

THE YOUTH GOES TO STAB GUY BUT THE SEX DOLL INTERCEPTS, GETTING IN THE WAY OF THE KNIFE.

GUY:
Nooooooooo!

THE YOUTHS SCARPER, LEAVING GUY CRADLING THE SEX DOLL. GUY DOES HIS BEST TO PLUG THE 'WOUND' BUT SHE GRADUALLY DEFLATES WITH A HISS OF AIR.

GUY (CONT):
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God….

EXT. GRAVEYARD – DAY

DOING HIS BEST TO HOLD BACK TEARS, AN OLDER GUY LAYS A WREATH OF FLOWERS ON A GRAVE MARKED 'SEX DOLL'.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL TWO INFLATABLE CHILDREN. GUY COLSOLES THEM WITH A TEARY HUG.

END SKETCH

Quote: David Bussell @ June 29 2009, 5:13 PM BST

THE YOUTHS SCARPER, LEAVING GUY CRADLING THE SEX DOLL. BARRY DOES HIS BEST TO PLUG THE 'WOUND' BUT SHE GRADUALLY DEFLATES WITH A HISS OF AIR.

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Where does Barry come from?

Quote: don rushmore @ June 29 2009, 5:43 PM BST

Where does Barry come from?

View original

Fiddlesticks! That's a leftover from before I saw the opportunity for a world class pun. Corrected.

Should the title not be 'Guy and Doll', then?

Anyway, this certainly worked well, nicely written as usual. The only thing is it seemed a little reminiscent (is that how it's spelt?) to me. Was there a Big Train sketch along these lines? It may be it just had that sort of tone, which would be a big compliment in my book.

Quote: Ponderer @ June 29 2009, 8:13 PM BST

Should the title not be 'Guy and Doll', then?

Anyway, this certainly worked well, nicely written as usual. The only thing is it seemed a little reminiscent (is that how it's spelt?) to me. Was there a Big Train sketch along these lines? It may be it just had that sort of tone, which would be a big compliment in my book.

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Well yes, but we can't have accuracy spoiling a good pun, can we?

Cheers for reading, Ponderer. I don't remember anything like it in Big Train, though the fact that it's an absurd situation played straight would qualify it as tonally similar. Just thought, maybe you mean the traffic lights sketch? That's kind of reminiscent (spelled correctly, yes) though not so much as to be considered plagiarism I don't think.

Oh God! I wasn't suggesting plagiarism...sorry if that was what came across.

I think it might have been the tone, and the way I visualised it. I kind of had Kevin Eldon in my head - which hasn't happened in a while.

Would 'Guy and Doll' not qualify as a pun? Not as satisfying though.

Whilst reading I also remembered a sketch with a sex doll & I thought it might be Big Train as well.
Loads of sketches (if not most) are going to have similar themes to ones that have come before.

What made this stand out for me, apart from the lovely attention to detail was the pregnancy.
And seeing the plastic kids at the end would be a great pay off & just the sort of thing that would definitely make me laugh.

Just to ruin it, I might have had her stabbed by another male plastic doll (her jealous ex)
we could spot him first at the restaurant (do you know that guy ? he keeps looking over here)

Anyway, back to the sketch.
Very well written, easy to visualise, well structured & most of all funny.

I liked it.

Not much else to offer really.

Quote: Ponderer @ June 29 2009, 8:44 PM BST

Oh God! I wasn't suggesting plagiarism...sorry if that was what came across.

I think it might have been the tone, and the way I visualised it. I kind of had Kevin Eldon in my head - which hasn't happened in a while.

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Don't worry, I know you weren't making accusations!

Quote: Fred Sunshine @ June 29 2009, 8:59 PM BST

Whilst reading I also remembered a sketch with a sex doll & I thought it might be Big Train as well.
Loads of sketches (if not most) are going to have similar themes to ones that have come before.

What made this stand out for me, apart from the lovely attention to detail was the pregnancy.
And seeing the plastic kids at the end would be a great pay off & just the sort of thing that would definitely make me laugh.

Just to ruin it, I might have had her stabbed by another male plastic doll (her jealous ex)
we could spot him first at the restaurant (do you know that guy ? he keeps looking over here)

Anyway, back to the sketch.
Very well written, easy to visualise, well structured & most of all funny.

View original

That's a great idea, the jealous ex angle! Much better than bringing in the muggers. Consider yourself homaged, my friend!

Quote: bigfella @ June 29 2009, 9:03 PM BST

I liked it.

Not much else to offer really.

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Cheers, bigfella!

I liked it - another good 'un from Bussell. But it did remind me of a sketch from Armstrong and Miller, where Miller's character has an affair with a Barbie-type doll.

Like it David. I don't think the youths should 'interact' with the sex doll though. Or at least acknowledge it as a sentient being. So, I'd take out:

YOUTH #2
She's got to the count of three, yo! One… two…

Another direction. Albeit darker and a touch unpleasant. Is to have the youths realise Guy's strange infatuation with the sex doll. One pins him back. Whilst the other sticks his penis in her plastic mouth for a blow up blow job. They laugh. Guy is mad. Then, suddenly the sex doll clamps down on the youth's penis. He screams, throws her off - she lands on a nail. Nice little slow mo as she falls. Er, yeah anyway.

This is fab, The Buss! Excellent, very funny and really well written.

I'd go with Fred's suggestion about the jealous ex -- though it needs a bit of a spin on it, like it's another sex doll and there was rubber lesbianism going on, so Guy is shocked.

Can the graveyard scene pull out to reveal first the children and then further to reveal a plastics recycling plant?

For what it's worth, I reckon 'Guy & Doll' is a better title, in my opinion.

Hope any of that's useful.

EDIT: Just thought: one logical problem -- if she's stabbed, when did she have the kids???

Dan

Nice. I liked it. End was a bit of a "let-down". Disagree with the 'shades of..." comments. If it gets laughs the objective is achieved. AND you can "shades of..." in just about any piece of creativity.
Perhaps a shot of the headstone would have made a better ending.
"A wonderful wife who made me smile every day has been taken by God
and now sits on his lap." Sort of thing. Nonetheless, I liked it.

Eulogy: "The electricity between us was indescribable. Well, that's not true as it was static, but you know what I mean."

Dan

Quote: Simon B @ June 30 2009, 9:07 AM BST

Like it David. I don't think the youths should 'interact' with the sex doll though. Or at least acknowledge it as a sentient being. So, I'd take out:

YOUTH #2
She's got to the count of three, yo! One… two…

Another direction. Albeit darker and a touch unpleasant. Is to have the youths realise Guy's strange infatuation with the sex doll. One pins him back. Whilst the other sticks his penis in her plastic mouth for a blow up blow job. They laugh. Guy is mad. Then, suddenly the sex doll clamps down on the youth's penis. He screams, throws her off - she lands on a nail. Nice little slow mo as she falls. Er, yeah anyway.

View original

Cheers, you sick f**k.

Quote: Badge @ June 29 2009, 9:30 PM BST

I liked it - another good 'un from Bussell. But it did remind me of a sketch from Armstrong and Miller, where Miller's character has an affair with a Barbie-type doll.

View original

I'll have to check that one out. Any idea which series it was from?

Quote: swerytd @ June 30 2009, 9:18 AM BST

This is fab, The Buss! Excellent, very funny and really well written.

I'd go with Fred's suggestion about the jealous ex -- though it needs a bit of a spin on it, like it's another sex doll and there was rubber lesbianism going on, so Guy is shocked.

Can the graveyard scene pull out to reveal first the children and then further to reveal a plastics recycling plant?

For what it's worth, I reckon 'Guy & Doll' is a better title, in my opinion.

Hope any of that's useful.

EDIT: Just thought: one logical problem -- if she's stabbed, when did she have the kids???

Dan

View original

Thanks, Dan. The twins were rescued before she died. I was going to have a jogger come by and phone 999 but I figured people would come to the conclusion naturally. Maybe I should add it back in.

Quote: Stephen Birch @ June 30 2009, 9:25 AM BST

Nice. I liked it. End was a bit of a "let-down". Disagree with the 'shades of..." comments. If it gets laughs the objective is achieved. AND you can "shades of..." in just about any piece of creativity.
Perhaps a shot of the headstone would have made a better ending.
"A wonderful wife who made me smile every day has been taken by God
and now sits on his lap." Sort of thing. Nonetheless, I liked it.

View original

Ta, Stephen. I quite like the simplicity of the ending. I really ought to write a sketch that doesn't end in death and crying though.