British Comedy Guide

Bonus Comedy Competition-Televison (Now Voting)

A number of users from the dark side (4laughs) were unable to enter a competition this week. So I thought they should be allowed to enter into at least one competition. So they can enter this one.

Competition: The theme is television and sketches should be short and funny (duh)for example (but not exclusively) a sketch about Tony Blair appearing on Jeremy Kyle

Post your entry *HERE* in this thread!

Rules:

* Anyone can enter.
* Only one entry per person.
* Must be a sketch or scene.
* PM ME with any questions, DO NOT post them on here!
* You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: Sometime next week

Entires will be put to public vote.

Good luck!

P.S. Thanks to Leevil and David for letting me run this one :)

SKETCH 1

INT. JEREMY KYLE STAGE.

JEREMY
Welcome back. Now Cherie, what's the problem with Tony?

CHERIE
Since he's resigned, he's changed. He only listens to God, and he's still interfering
in the Middle East as an envoy. He won't admit he messed up in Iraq.

JEREMY
There's two sides to every story. Tony Blair.

CUE MUSIC AND BOOING. A COCKY BLAIR STROLLS OUT SWEARING AT THE AUDIENCE.

JEREMY
Look at you. You don't care do you? You're a disgrace. Be a man and admit you've neglected your
wife. You're a war criminal.

TONY
I've got an agent now Jeremy. I'm doing Mr Muscle adverts. Tough on grime...Tough on the causes of grime.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS JEER.

JEREMY
You think you're it, don't you fella? True or false?

TONY
True.

JEREMY
Look at your wife. She's a doormat mate, and you trample over her every single day.YOU'RE SCUM.

TONY
Am I bovvered? Look at my face? Bovver-

JEREMY

My show, my name on the wall, button it, mate.
You're a smug, arrogant, showy know it all who's getting what's coming to him AND THAT IS A FACT!

AUDIENCE CHEER

TONY (SOBBING)
I only came here to complete my legacy and rid Britain of its yob culture.

HE FLOUNCES OFF STAGE.

CHERIE
I wonder what's on Trisha.

LOUD AUDIENCE CHEERING AND CLAPPING.

KYLE: (TO AUDIENCE) Shut up! (THEY QUIET DOWN) Ok, today on the show we have people who feel they are misunderstood. So to kick things off, let me bring out Tony and Cherie Blair!

TONY AND CHERIE COME OUT TO GENERAL BOOING.

KYLE: (PUTS HIS FINGERS TO HIS LIPS AND TURNS TO THE AUDIENCE) Shhhh… Ok, Tony, what do you have to say?

TONY: Well, I just want to say, that with my record (DROWNED OUT BY BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE)

KYLE: (TOO AUDIENCE) Shut it!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: (SHOUTS OUT FROM THE BACK) What about Iraq?

TONY: Look, I don’t see how you… (ONCE MORE DROWNED OUT BY BOOS)

KYLE: (EXPLODING TO THE AUDIENCE) How dare you. How DARE you! This man (WALKS ONTO THE STAGE) This man was your leader. You are scum! How can you question his judgement?

CLIMBS ONTO TONY’S LAP.

KYLE: It’s ok Mein Fuhrer, (STROKES TONY’S HAIR) I won’t let them hurt you.

CHERIE: This is what I’ve been try…

KYLE: (SPITEFULLY) Shut up!

CHERIE: I just wanted to say is I know the real Tony…

KYLE: (TO AUDIENCE) Get her!

AUDIENCE RUN AT CHERIE AND CARRY HER AWAY LIKE A ROWDY MOB. KYLE AND TONY ARE LEFT ALONE.

TONY: (HAPPY THAT HE CAN NOW GET HIS POINT ACROSS) People don’t realise that my position with America….

KYLE: (GETTING UP OFF LAP UPSET) America! It’s all George this, George that with you nowadays....George let me share his toothpaste. Well I’ve had enough! He’s welcome to you!

STORMS OFF WITH TONY LOOKING CONFUSED. THEN TONY LOOKS AROUND SHIFTILY, BUT SEEING NO-ONE, HE SNEAKS A PICTURE OF BUSH OUT OF HIS JACKET. KISSES IT, SMILES AND THEN PUTS IT AWAY AGAIN.

BLAIR QC

THE THEME MUSIC TO THE SATELLITE HOME SHOPPING CHANNEL ‘QVC’ IS PLAYING. WHEN IT GETS TO THE SHOW TITLE, WE HEAR THE LYRIC ‘BLAIR QC’ SUNG IN PERFECT HARMONY.

LORRAINE:Hello, I’m Lorraine Kelly and I’m Scottish! Now then, welcome back to the television channel that offers fantastic and amazing deals courtesy of…. (CUPS EAR AND LISTENS TO THE MELODIC BACKGROUND TONES OF THE ‘BLAIR QC’ BACKTRACK) with the wonderful and painfully abstract looking Cherie Blair.

CHERIE:
Hello.

LORRAINE:
And a big hello to you and I must just make a wee comment, hen, and considering just whom you’re married to, and bearing in mind how short of money you are now he’s out of the job, I have to say you’re looking quite bonny and only just a wee bit frightening in this light. So, tell me what’s on offer today on (AGAINS CUPS EAR AND LISTENS TO THE HARMONIC ‘BLAIR QC’ BACKTRACK)?

CHERIE:
Well, Lorraine, I’ve got a couple of flats.

LORRAINE:
Och, have you really pet? And where might they be?

CHERIE:
In Bristol.

LORRAINE:
Well I do hope they’re in a good part of town considering what the crime rate’s like in that neck of the woods.

CHERIE:
I hear what you’re saying Lorraine, and that’s why they’re situated in an exclusive development.

LORRAINE:
But isn’t that just a wee bit expensive?

CHERIE:
Well, I think it’s more than worth it just to keep the riff raff out.

LORRAINE:
But don’t you find that might just impinge upon their human rights? After all, even scum are entitled.

CHERIE:
Oh you sad, naïve, misguided, Caledonian mumpty that you are, Lorraine. You see, if their human rights were being violated then it’s up to really important people like me to represent them in court for outrageously expensive fees.

LORRAINE:
And is that because you believe passionately in standing up for the oppressed?

CHERIE:
Oh good God, no. Someone has to pay mortgage in Connaught Square.

LORRAINE:
Och, and you so clever with it, pet! (TO AUDIENCE) And make sure you come back after the break when I’ll be joined on to the sofa by stitching my knickers to the material.

END

SCENE 1. INT. INFONIGHT STUDIO-NIGHT

NEWS READER IS SITTING IN THE INFONIGHT STUDIOS ABOUT TO TALK TO EDWARD ARDEN VIA SATELLIETE.

NEWSREADER:
We are now going live to Edward Arden in the West End at the premieres of two controversial musicals which are opening opposite each other. Edward.

EDWARD ARDEN ON THE SATELLIETE LINK UP

EDWARD ARDEN:
Well as you can probably hear from the protestors these two musicals have definitely courted controversy. Gay the Musical and Osama the Musical. Here is a short extract from both.

CLIP OF GAY THE MUSICAL

GAY THE MUSICAL CAST:
Open wide I’m coming inside!
I’m Gay (he’s Gay) I swing the other way
I’m Queer (he’s Queer)I take it up the rear
I’m a raving homosexual man!

CLIP OF OSAMA THE MUSICAL

OSAMA THE MUSICAL CAST:
In the Tora, the Tora Bora Osama sleeps tonight
Al Qaeda eh Al Qeada eh Al Qaeda eh Al Qaeda eh

BACK TO EDWARD ARDEN ON THE SATELLIETE LINK UP

EDWARD ARDEN:
As you can see incendiary stuff. I’m going to try and get a word with some of the protestors. Excuse me sir why do you not like Gay The Musical.

PROTESTOR 1:
Its obscene. Any show which has the lyrics ‘you don’t know how I’ve been longing to be taken up the wrong un’ should be banned.

EDWARD ARDEN:
Sir what do you think.

PROTESTOR 2:
Well for a start they should spell Osama with a U not an O. Secondly they should not be profiting from the War on Terror.

EDWARD ARDEN:
The producers of both shows have issued this statement. ‘we are sorry for any offence caused by the staging of these musicals however we can always comfort ourselves with all the money we are going to make.’ Back to the studio

INFONIGHT STUDIO

NEWS READER:
Thanks Ed. The staging of both these musicals raises a lot of questions about the acceptable prejudices of society. Later we will discus homophobia but for now to discuss Islamaphobia in Britain we have Dr Asif Abas from the United Kingdom Muslim Alliance, Ray Willis the Commissioner for Racial affairs and Terry Watts from the Meat Council of Great Britain. Dr Abas does society accept Islamaphobia

DR ASIF ABAS:
Yes. Society plainly ignores attacks of Muslims and finds it acceptable to mock and even hurt Muslims.

RAY WILLIS:
I agree. Islamaphobia is wide spread in society from employers refusing to hire Muslims to the police actively targeting young male muslims in the streets for searches under the Anti-Terrorist laws.

NEWS READER:
Mr Watts.

TERRY WATTS:
Yes.

NEWS READER:
Islamaphobia.

TERRY WATTS:
I want to clear this up right now as it is a ridiculous myth. Lamb is quite clearly a meat not a phobia.

NEWS READER:
What?

TERRY WATTS:
Lamb is a meat not a phobia. There is no reason why people should be scared of lamb. The only situation where a person could be scared of lamb is if a Welsh man noticed that a baby lamb looked like him.

RAY WILLIS:
That’s racist!

NEWS READER:
I thought you were coming on to discuss the narrow availability of Ha laal meat in the UK.

TERRY WATTS:
But we’re discussing lamb.

NEWS READER:
OK I think we should move on. We are now joined by Bishop Sion McNamara of the Catholic Church, Father John Smugbottom of the Church of England and Australian Brad Braddington a prominent Gay Rights campaigner. Father where does the Church of England stand on Gay Rights

FATHER JOHN SMUGBOTTOM:
Well the Church tries to be as inclusive as possible and welcomes all of God’s children into the family of God.

BISHOP SION MCNAMARA:
Well obviously. Your Church is run by a Queen.

FATHER JOHN SMUGBOTTOM:
Go and worship some false idols.

BISHOP SION MCNAMARA:
Why don’t you put a condom on.

FATHER JOHN SMUGBOTTOM:
What you gonna do launch a crusade against me?

BISHOP SION MCNAMARA:
Watch it laddy, God will forgive me if I decide to hit you.

FATHER JOHN SMUGBOTTOM:
Your God will forgive anything.

NEWS READER:
Please Father stop bashing the Bishop. Brad Braddington.

BRAD BRADDINGTON:
Its typical Christian prejudice and dogma. Take Gay marrage, how can you ask a person to chose between their faith and their partner?

FATHER JOHN SMUGBOTTOM:
Well the last thing the Church of England wants to see is two men in a loving relationship turning their backs on each other.

NEWS READER:
We have to leave it there. Coming up on the programme. Michael Click investigates the UKP’s new policy of only hating coloured foreigners and how a black man was able to infiltrate its leadership.

SHOT OF A UKP PRESS CONFERENCE WITH SLOGAN ‘IF THEY AIN’T DARK THEY CAN PARK.’ FOUR MEN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE, ONE IS A BLACK MAN WITH BLOND HAIR.

NEWS READER:
And later on Infonight Review interview the Arctic Fun Police.

INTERVIEWER INTERVIEWING THE ARCTIC FUN POLICE.

INTERVIEWER:
So you used the internet

SILENCE

INTERVIEWER:
What othe bands do you like?

ARCTIC FUN POLICE SHRUG.

A hifi shop.
Shop assistant, customer.

SHOP ASSISTANT A wonderful morning to you Sir. Can I interest you in our latest model – good as new, hardly used…

A fat ugly transvesitite sits there smoking a cigarette.

TRANSVESTITE All right?

CUSTOMER (nervous) No thank you. I think I’ll…

SHOP ASSISTANT Don’t go… Please peruse our next model. It’s a Chippendale.

CUSTOMER Ah, it’s an old, respectable piece of…?

SHOP No it’s covered in fag-stains.

A fatter, uglier transvestite sits there drinking vodka.

SECOND TRASVESTITE Hi there.

CUSTOMER Thank you but…

SHOP ASSISTANT Before you go please consider our final model. We call it Spanner.

CUSTOMER Why?

SHOP ASSISTANT It’ll drive yer nuts.

Fattest, ugliest transvestite on God’s Earth sits there, smoking a spliff.

THIRD TRANSVESTITE Good morning.

CUSTOMER Right I’m leaving.

He runs out, closes the shop door. Sign above: ‘USED TVS’.

[Hi Paul I edited this post to make the comp look neat and tidy. And yes i'm anal]

EDIT:

SCENE. INT. STUDIO. DAY.

Jeremy Kyle is introducing the show.

JEREMY
Morning! Shut up! Welcome to the show! Today we have Former PM Tony Blair and his wife Cherie! Shut up!

TONY enters the stage everyone boos him as well as JEREMY.

JEREMY
War and having some fun with Bush, you never thought about your wife did you?

More Booing

TONY
Wel...

JEREMY
(Interrupting) Shut up! Your scum! Lets bring Cherie onto the show and have her side of the story.

CHERIE walks on and takes a seat next to TONY. JEREMY takes a seat next to CHERIE comforting her.

CHERIE
I really think this is out of...

JEREMY
Shut it! You don't have to defend this man!

CHERIE
Tony why did you and George hold hands when you were in meetings?

JEREMY
Because diplomatic relations with America were more important than your relationship! Wasn’t it you scumbag!

TONY
Wel…

JEREMY
(Interrupting) Be quiet! Next week on the show we’ll have the DNA results and George will have his say.

TONY
It's bushy Poo actually!

CHERIE continues to cry

END

BRITAIN’S GOT PANELLISTS

KATE THORNTON-TYPE PRESENTER TALKS TO THE CAMERA AS THE AUDIENCE BEHIND HER WAVE PLACARDS AND WHOOP EXCITEDLY.

Presenter:
Well, the tension is reaching fever pitch here. Tonight we find out who is Britain's best amateur tv panellist.

APPLAUSE. SHE TURNS TO ANOTHER CAMERA.

Presenter:
Remember, the audience have the option of egging off contestants if they do badly tonight.

CUT TO BAYING AUDIENCE BRANDISHING EGGS.

Presenter:
First up, it’s sourpuss panellist Eric Chipstrada. Take it away Eric!

APPLAUSE.

Eric:
I’m sorry but your head is shaped like a turnip, you have all the star quality of a drunk warbling in the gutter at closing time..

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER.

ERIC:
And your singing sounded like a bag of flatulant anuses swinging from a hammock. It’s a no from me!

MORE CHEERING
Presenter:
Thank you Eric, so, what do our panellists think?

Panellist 1 (Simon Cowell type):
You have bored the high waisted pants off me for two months but tonight, you’ve put in a fine performance! Well done!

CHEERS
Panellist 2 (Sympathetic Amanda Holden type):
I’d love you to be on my panel instead of this fat moron.

APPLAUSE AS SHE POINTS TO PANELLIST 3.
Panellist 3 (fat moron):
A big let down, I’m sorry to go against the grain but it was shoddy. Thumbs down from me..

BOOING

Presenter:
OK, Next up is Donald Matteson, the arrogant self-loathing panellist.. Cheer him if he’s good, egg him if he’s not.

CHEERING AND WAVING OF PLACARDS.

Donald:
You’re rubbish you are. That was a right shocker that…Ooh, you’re just a big bollock weight hanging from the scrotum of humanity…

THEY START TO BOO AND HURL EGGS.

Donald:
Yeah, yer big useless fanny face. My budgie’s got more talent in his beak than you have…

HE IS EGGED OFF.

Presenter (covered in egg) :
Oh dear,..remember the lines are open for your votes.. we’ll see you after the break to see what our panellists thought.

SHE STARTS THROWING EGGS BACK AT THE AUDIENCE.

CUT.

Actually, this could be taken the wrong way

Eh?

This competition is also closed. Vote for your favorite sketch

Vote by stating the name of the person you want to vote for in this thread. You can also critique the sketches now aswell if you want but if you do could you put the name of the person you are voting for in capital letters at the beginning or end of your post. You can vote once and voting is open to anyone reading this. Good Luck.

P.S. Feel free to respond to critiques aswell but only vote once and clearly. Thanks

Hmmm..I'll vote for PILOT.

Quote: Pilot @ August 17, 2007, 7:38 PM

Hmmm..I'll vote for PILOT.

Obviously from the Saddam Hussein school of voting :D

Baumski.

Baumski

Share this page