My Kangaroo story (re-written)

I have taken your advice and this is my re-write.. Hopefully it's better.... more suggested re-writes as always are welcome and would be greatly appreciated... Thanks in advance!!

When I booked my tickets to Australia at first I was crapping myself, they have so many deadly, dangerous animals. Sharks, Venomous snakes and spiders and crocs...

I thought I'd never meet any of them... but sadly I had a scary encounter with one of these dangerous animals... I was brutally attacked.....(sarcastically) by a kangaroo.... (sarcastically) and lived to tell the tale.....

At a wildlife park we were allowed to feed the roos – the animals that is, not the man united forward... I know he looks it but he's not at the animal stage... yet! After feeding one, I walked away and this one roo pushed me from behind, I tripped over a branch and almost fell on my face. My mate not missing a beat to call me feminine started saying: "you gonna take that? That Kangaroo just dissed you".

(Sarcastically) Oh, yeah did I not mention my mate is black... apparently? "Are you gonna take that? I wouldn't take that if I were you!" Fearing my masculinity being raped by a kangaroo, I went up to it with my brother watching and punched it. Right on the face.

Well... don't worry if you're the RSPCA or something, it wasn't hard. And neither was the punch... I just grazed it with a closed fist. Essentially, I fisted a kangaroo... who hear can say they've done that?

Wouldn't that have been the best episode of Animial Hospital ever? "Crickey! This Roo was fisted by a tourist... poor little mite"

Perhaps you could make a bit more of the offending kangaroo, like: "having the appearance of Skippy and the attitude of Vinnie Jones"

You're retelling a funny story from your life you're not really telling us a standup routine.

You need to be garrelous, put us in the place, take us through it and fill it out with gags.

Australia is full of dangerous races.

Black widows bite your cock and paralyse you like Mrs Martin Luther King on the game. Crocodiles giant reptiles full of teeth waiting to get revenge for Paris Hilton using his mum as a handbag. And of course hairy blokes in dirty vests saying G'day and beating us at cricket.

I'd try to hire a Stingray for protection but the World Wildlife Fund wouldn't let me.

Quote: sootyj @ June 26 2009, 8:18 AM BST

. Black widows bite your cock and paralyse you

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Sounds like interracial porn.

Quote: sootyj @ June 26 2009, 8:18 AM BST

I'd try to hire a Stingray for protection but the World Wildlife Fund wouldn't let me.

View original

I'm going to use that one!

But anyways, be honest guys.. is this one working or am I re-writing a tumbleweeder?

It's not working that well.

What you're doing in my view is retelling a story from your own experience.

A standup routine is more like creating a character and writing a one person play/sketch for them to recite.

I'd strip out all the funny stuff from the story and use it to make it part of a larger story.

Sooty, as on so many occasions, has it just right. That might be funny in the pub where everyone knows you and your mate, but it really needs to be larger than life with the last ounce of comedy wrung out of every observation. You could take it surreal (Sean Lock or Ross Noble) or just straight, but the material needs to work way harder. For me personally, it would be stronger if you decided yourself you couldn't stand the humiliation rather than being egged on by your mate.

Norm, at the moment, your material is really, really poor.

It also feels too similar to the stuff comedians were doing 8 or 9 years ago, when Steve Irwin was at the peak of his powers.

Therefore - it feels very, very dated to me.

Not bad Norm. it was Ok, but the other gags were better.

I see you used my 'poor little mite' though..