The 'fat bloke getting thin' and funny stuff happening on that journey is fairly unique, I'd have thought. Basically all the stuff you're putting in your book, with Bazinga! punchlines.
Dan
Stand Up Routine Page 4
I've worked a little on the opening story a little bit.
I'm a rarity in a stand up, I have a stutter. Particularly on the letter F. It's great when I'm ffff**king my wife, makes things last a lot longer.
As you can see I'm really into health and fitness and all that.
Actually I lost over ten stone recently. Yeap, it amazing to be able to move around again, the only thing is I have to go to the shops for my own fags now.
So now to celebrate losing the weight I thought I'd actually do a little bit of stand up...now that I can actually stand up again
It's amazing how ignorant people can be when dealing with the larger gentleman. Some people are crude enough to call me a fat bastard...however, as an educated man I do prefer Rotund Gentleman of Questionable Parentage.
Restaurants are the worst thing.
You go in and you can almost see the Manager rubbing his hands together, Fagin like, at the prospect of a big order. He may as well call his meat supplier there and then "John, send me over a triple order tomorrow, I'm about to run out...I've got a great big fat bloke in."
They then parade you through the whole restaurant, to a table in the furthest corner – just to make sure that everyone sees you on route.
They virtually get the flags out to wave in front of you, I'm surprised they don't hire a military brass band to lead you to the table... Tuba players popping up from behind the desert trolly, trombone players goose stepping at the front. Why not go the whole hog and get them playing the f**king 1812 overture and have cannons going off everywhere?
All pairs of eyes are now on you, everyone seems to rush to get their orders in as though you're going to eat everything on the menu.
Then of course you find that the table, which seems to be located somewhere near Melbourne, is in fact a booth. Who ever invented the idea of booths should be taken outside and executed. The manager then looks at you strangely when you quietly explain that it might be a tight squeeze for you - they act all dumb as if they have failed to spot the size of your girth. Then in voice that rivals Brian Blesssed on a megaphone, they say "Ah you can't fit in there can you?" and then you are paraded back through the restaurant, this time with the musical accompaniment of the Ride of Valkeires, back to table that was right by the door in the first place.
All this could actually be an effective solution to the obesity epidemic. Sorry sir, your over eighteen stone, you need six months parading up and down through the Harvester.
I'm a rarity in a stand up, I have a stutter. Particularly on the letter F. It's great when I'm ffff**king my wife, makes things last a lot longer.
..... I've always liked that line!!
Quote: Norm @ June 23 2009, 10:31 PM BSTI'm a rarity in a stand up, I have a stutter. Particularly on the letter F. It's great when I'm ffff**king my wife, makes things last a lot longer.
..... I've always liked that line!!
So your saying that it's not new?
You still need more jokes. And now you need some call-backs to bring the whole thing together. If I may be so bold as to make some suggestions...
So now to celebrate losing the weight I thought I'd actually do a little bit of stand up. Previously I've only been on the sit-down circuit. It's me and Hawking. I'm the warm-up...
You go in and you can almost see the Manager rubbing his hands together, Fagin like, at the prospect of a big order. He may as well call his meat supplier there and then "John, send me over a triple order tomorrow, I'm about to run out...I've got a great big fat bloke in."
If you're making out he's Fagin, I'd continue the analogy further into your jokes, and then keep calling back to it:
You go in and you can almost see the Manager rubbing his hands together, Fagin like, at the prospect of a big order. He may as well call his meat supplier there and then "John, I've reviewed the situation... send me over a triple order tomorrow, I'm about to run out...I've got a great big fat bloke in. Yeah, Oliver/Artful Dodger will be round to pick it up"
They virtually get the flags out to wave in front of you, I'm surprised they don't hire a military brass band to lead you to the table... Tuba players popping up from behind the desert trolly, trombone players goose stepping at the front. Why not go the whole hog and get them playing the f**king 1812 overture and have cannons going off everywhere?
Rather than the 'why then', just make it a reality:
They get the flags out and wave them in front of you. That military brass band they hired all those years ago, finally comes in useful as they pop up to parade you to your table. Tuba players popping up from behind the dessert trolley, trombone players goose-stepping out front. The 1812 overture booming out whilst cannons blast overhead.
Then of course you find that the table, which seems to be located somewhere near Melbourne, is in fact a booth. Who ever invented the idea of booths should be taken outside and executed. The manager then looks at you strangely when you quietly explain that it might be a tight squeeze for you - they act all dumb as if they have failed to spot the size of your girth. Then in voice that rivals Brian Blesssed on a megaphone, they say "Ah you can't fit in there can you?" "No, "I said. "Not whilst the percussion section is still sat there" then you are paraded back through the restaurant, this time with the musical accompaniment of the Ride of Valkeires, back to table that was right by the door in the first place.
Dan
Nice work so far Big Fella.
Dan has added some excellent touches and I laughed out loud for the first time
Keep it up
Quote: swerytd @ June 24 2009, 9:31 AM BSTYou still need more jokes. And now you need some call-backs to bring the whole thing together. If I may be so bold as to make some suggestions...
So now to celebrate losing the weight I thought I'd actually do a little bit of stand up. Previously I've only been on the sit-down circuit. It's me and Hawking. I'm the warm-up...
You go in and you can almost see the Manager rubbing his hands together, Fagin like, at the prospect of a big order. He may as well call his meat supplier there and then "John, send me over a triple order tomorrow, I'm about to run out...I've got a great big fat bloke in."
If you're making out he's Fagin, I'd continue the analogy further into your jokes, and then keep calling back to it:
You go in and you can almost see the Manager rubbing his hands together, Fagin like, at the prospect of a big order. He may as well call his meat supplier there and then "John, I've reviewed the situation... send me over a triple order tomorrow, I'm about to run out...I've got a great big fat bloke in. Yeah, Oliver/Artful Dodger will be round to pick it up"They virtually get the flags out to wave in front of you, I'm surprised they don't hire a military brass band to lead you to the table... Tuba players popping up from behind the desert trolly, trombone players goose stepping at the front. Why not go the whole hog and get them playing the f**king 1812 overture and have cannons going off everywhere?
Rather than the 'why then', just make it a reality:
They get the flags out and wave them in front of you. That military brass band they hired all those years ago, finally comes in useful as they pop up to parade you to your table. Tuba players popping up from behind the dessert trolley, trombone players goose-stepping out front. The 1812 overture booming out whilst cannons blast overhead.Then of course you find that the table, which seems to be located somewhere near Melbourne, is in fact a booth. Who ever invented the idea of booths should be taken outside and executed. The manager then looks at you strangely when you quietly explain that it might be a tight squeeze for you - they act all dumb as if they have failed to spot the size of your girth. Then in voice that rivals Brian Blesssed on a megaphone, they say "Ah you can't fit in there can you?" "No, "I said. "Not whilst the percussion section is still sat there" then you are paraded back through the restaurant, this time with the musical accompaniment of the Ride of Valkeires, back to table that was right by the door in the first place.
Dan
Hi Dan,
Thats excellent. I really like your changes. Very useful.
As the oldage goes, write then rewrite - a fresh pair of eyes always helps.
....now if you could just perform it for me!!!!
Yeah, it's something I have to do at some point. If I could just get some guts somewhere on-line...
As purely a 'viewer' of stand-up, I think (so it's by no means correct!) you need to remember to call-back to stuff (apparently, even 'weak' call-backs get good laughs) and try and tell a story that is wrapped up by the end.
(That's entirely my view and explains why Stewart Lee is my favourite comedian)
The 'sit-down' stuff was entirely following your 'now I can stand-up again'. Sometimes it's just about following the 'what could that be potentially' sort of thinking, then just taking it to an extreme. Don't forget if they laugh at one line, hit them immediate with another (then another) and the laughter should grow from that.
Once you've got them laughing a lot, then you can put in any old shit 
Dan
Quote: swerytd @ June 24 2009, 11:36 AM BSTOnce you've got them laughing a lot, then you can put in any old shit
That aspect I will be good at.
Looking good. Not sure there is much more that I can say that hasn't already been said.
Dan's addition are good. It's tightened up well.
Cheers Craig.
I just did this first bit to my office!
They laughed, but they had to - I pay the wages!
It's the delivery, pacing and performance that is really hard to get right, a lot more difficult that it looks from the audidence prospective. - practice makes perfect!
Right I've had a little play and choped and added - and I've come up with something just about five minutes long.
I'm a rarity in a stand up, I have a stutter. Particularly on the letter F. It's great when I'm ffff**king my wife, makes things last a lot longer.
As you can see I'm really into health and fitness and all that.
Actually I lost over ten stone recently. So to celebrate losing the weight I'm doing do a little bit of stand up...before I was on the sit down circuit. Not very popular that. Just me and Steven Hawkin.
I normally come to gigs with My mate, Alex. Alex is a Scottish bloke that wears glasses.
We were in the airport the other day and some pissed bloke comes to us in the bar. and he says to Alex, you look like one of the Proclaimers you do.
Really? Said Alex. Trying to be nice like.
Yeah the pissed bloke says "You look like the one that plays the guitar."
The one that plays the guitar? I say – they're f**king identical twins you moron.
He turns to me and uttered the classic line – "Who the f**k asked you? You fat f**king bastard"
Christ, I thought. If he thinks I'm fat bastard now he should have seen me six months ago - I was Jabba the Hut's body double.
But why can't people be a bit more original with their insults, all my life I've been called a fat bastard – It's a reflection on education standards today. Just once I'd love to be called a rotund gentleman of questionable parentage.
But It's amazing how ignorant people can be when dealing with the larger gentleman.
Restaurants are the worst thing.
I went into this one once and could almost see the Manager rubbing his hands together, Fagin like, at the prospect of a big order.
He might as well get on the phone to his meat supplier there and then "John, I need a rush order, half a side of cow...a great big fat bloke just walked in...I'll send the Dodger over to get it.
So I ask for a table. – But isn't that just the most stupid thing we do?
Obviously we would like a table, we don't go a restuantant to dine on top of a landfill waste site do we?– well unless we're in a McDonalds of course.
Now there is a perfectly adequate one there right by the door, that quite frankly would have suited me just fine.
But they insisted on parading me through the whole restaurant – Purely just so everyone could view me on route.
It was just like I'd won the fattest man competition at the f**king Olympics and they we're holding a open top bus celebration.
They get the flags out and wave them in front of me. That military brass band they hired all those years ago, finally comes in useful as they pop up to give me a salute on the way to the table.
Tuba players popping up from behind the dessert trolley.
The trombone players goose-stepping out front.
The f**king 1812 overture booming out whilst cannons blast overhead.
Then of course you find that the table, which seems to be located somewhere near Melbourne, is in fact a booth.
Who ever invented the idea of booths should be taken outside and executed. I know the restaurant is in a rough area, but to have to nail the f**king table and chairs to the floor is taking things a bit f**king far.
There must be some pretty skilled pickpockets working the area, I can f**king tell you.
I quietly explain in that it might be a tight squeeze for you in the booth they act all dumb as if they have failed to spot the size of your girth.
I'm trying to keep this hushed up to save my blushes.
Then in voice that rivals Brian Blesssed on a megaphone, he say "Ah you can't fit in there can you Sir?
" "No, "I said. "Not whilst the percussion section is still sat there"
Then I'm paraded back through the restaurant, this time with the musical accompaniment of the Ride of Valkeires, back to table that I f**king started from.
It could be a great idea for weight loss though
.
Oh your over eighteen stone sir....three months parading up down in the Harvester for you.
I like it it's got more gags and pace.
But I think you need to sort your status out a tad. e.g. are you low status (I'm a fat guy pluckily standing up for myself) or high status (they pick on me but they're beneath me).
Also losing 10 stone is a great and unique chance to lead into other gags on; Big brother, elections, resigning anything that involves getting rid of people.
But I like it.
I liked that Bigfella.
Some good lines, obviously it's hard to read standup as it is also based on tone of voice and expressions etc
The line about the proclaimers 'They're f**king identical twins''
Thats a Frankie Boyle joke?
Quote: Scottidog @ June 25 2009, 8:11 PM BSTI liked that Bigfella.
Some good lines, obviously it's hard to read standup as it is also based on tone of voice and expressions etc
The line about the proclaimers 'They're f**king identical twins''
Thats a Frankie Boyle joke?
Ah! Thats a bugger.
No, someone at work made a joke about shagging identical twins - and about it not mattering which one.
I thought applying it to a famous set of twins and came up with them.
That will have to come out then!