Skit comp 16.6-23.6.9

Hi and congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... COOL MIKADO for winnin'! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

9!!! - 10 - Cool Mikado
2 - 5 - Nigel K
1 - 1 - Timbo
Speckled mention: Fred Peters, Fred Sunshine

Your new subject: HOLIDAYS (chosen by Roscoff).
Rules:
One entry per person.Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 23 June

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
96 - Chris Forshaw
82 - Charley Rance
73 - Otterfox
72 - Cool Mikado
66 - Jude
62 - Nigel Kelly
60 - Baumski
56 - Timbo
54 - Michael Monkhouse
35 - Afinkawan
31 - Paul Watson
31 - Fred Sunshine
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
22 - Leevil
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
16 - Swerytd
15 - Roscoff
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Bushbaby
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Badge
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch

05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Craig H
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

Well done to Cool Mikado last week. Great sketch.
__________________________________________________

CAMERA SCANS OVER A BEACH. THE SUN IS SHINING. WE SEE BIKINI CLAD WOMEN AND TOPLESS MEN RUNNING AROUND.

ZOOM IN ON A MAN LYING BACK SUNNING HIMSELF.

PULL OUT TO REVEAL HE IS LYING IN HIS BACK GARDEN (WHICH HAS BEEN FILLED WITH SAND) AND HE IS WATCHING THE TELLY (THE TELLY IS A WEBCAM OF THE BEACH) . THERE IS A TANNED FEMALE WAITER SERVING HIM A COCKTAIL.

ON SCREEN TEXT: DON'T MISS YOUR CHANCE TO BOOK AN UNFORGETTABLE HOLIDAY. CALL CREDIT CRUNCH HOLIDAYS TODAY AND LET US BRING YOUR HOLIDAY TO YOU.

PART 1

INT.AIRPORT.DAY

PEOPLE ARE SLOWLY GOING THROUGH THE AIRPORT METAL DETECTOR. AFTER A WHILE THE TIN MAN FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ GOES THROUGH AND AS HE DOES SO THE ALARM GOES OFF

AIRPORT SECURITY GUARD
One moment please sir, would you mind removing any metal objects from your pockets such as keys or coins and placing them in this basket then going back and walking through the detector again for me?

THE TIN MAN THINKS FOR A MOMENT THEN PUTS HIS AXE IN THE BASKET AND GOES BACK AND TRIES GOING THROUGH THE DETECTOR ONCE MORE. AS HE DOES SO THE ALARM IMMEDIATELY GOES OFF AGAIN

IT CUTS TO THE COWARDLY LION AND THE SCARECROW DRESSED IN BEACH WEAR WAITING FOR THE TIN MAN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SECURITY CHECK WITH 'OH CHRIST, HERE WE GO AGAIN' EXPRESSIONS ON THEIR FACES

PART 2

INT.CORRIDOR.DAY

THE COWARDLY LION AND THE SCARECROW ARE SITTING LOOKING BORED OUT OF THEIR MINDS OUTSIDE A DOOR WITH INTERROGATION ROOM WRITTEN ON IT

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

A SECURITY GUARD IS HOLDING A TIN OPENER AND TALKING TO A NERVOUS LOOKING TIN MAN

SECURITY GUARD
Bend over please sir!

RESTORATION TITLES AND THEME TUNE PLAY.

EXT. SEA FRONT.

GRIFF RHYS JONES WALKS INTO SHOT.

Griff:
Hello and welcome to the final of this years Restoration. The program that allows you, the British public, to save some of yesterdays architectual delights. So, we're in Poole to see a beautiful castle restored to all it's former glory. Let's see how the gang's doing...

CUT TO THE SHORE OF THE BEACH WHERE SEVERAL PEOPLE RUSH TO REBUILD A SANDCASTLE AS IT'S WASHED AWAY BY AN INCOMING TIDE.

Is that holiday themed enough?

EXT DAVES HOLIDAY VILLA POOLSIDE DAY

DAVE LOUNGES BY HIS POOL SIPPING A COCKTAIL. AS HE CLOSES HIS EYES A GROUP OF LOCAL KIDS CLIMB THE FENCE AND JUMP IN HIS POOL, SPLASHING HIM IN THE PROCESS.
(DAVE HAS A STRONG BRUMMIE ACCENT)

DAVE:
What the? (shouting) Out come on get out. Get going you little sods.

THE KIDS CLIMB OUT OF THE POOL AND RUN OFF.

DAVE:
(SHOUTING INTO THE VILLA) Sheila, Sheila call the local police, those kids are trespassing again.

SHEILA COMES OUT OF THE VILLA INTO THE GARDEN.

SHEILA:
Oh Dave don't be so silly, I told the local kids they could use our Villas pool. We're only here two weeks a year, somebody might as well get some use out of it. You've scared them off now.

DAVE:
Sheila do you think I've worked all my life, building up Dudleys most successful used car sales lot to let these little bastards swim for free in my villas pool?

SHEILA:
You're so uptight, just relax we're on holiday.

DAVE:
(MUTTERING) I'll show you relaxed.

CUT TO:

EXT POOLSIDE NIGHT

DAVE IS DIRECTING A REVERSING CEMENT TRUCK. IT THEN POURS CEMENT INTO THE SWIMMING POOL.

CUT TO:

EXT POOLSIDE NEXT DAY

DAVE WALKS INTO SHOT SMILING HE HAS A PAPER UNDER HIS ARM AND A COCKTAIL IN HIS HAND. HIS FACE DROPS AS HE LOOKS AT THE POOL.

DAVE:
(SHOUTING INTO THE VILLA) Sheila love, I think we'd better go home.

CUT TO REVEAL:

THE CEMENT IN THE POOL HAS SET, THERE ARE SEVERAL PAIRS OF LIMP LEGS STICKING OUT OF IT. ASSORTED LILOS AND RUBBER RINGS SIT ON THE SURFACE.

END

PROPOSAL

EXT NIGHT. A COUPLE (MICHAEL & JENNIFER) ARE STROLLING ALONG A BEACH ARM IN ARM. ROMANTIC SETTING WITH THE WAVES GENTLY LAPPING AGAINST THE SHORE AND A BIG BRIGHT MOON IN THE SKY.

MICHAEL:

Jennifer. I know I've had a little too much to drink, maybe it's the balmy night air or the effect of the moon I don't know but Jennifer I really love you and I know you love me. Jennifer…

HE GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE.

(he speaks in a deep meaningful way) Jennifer. Will you carry me? I'm f**king pissed.

END.

EXT. HOLIDAY APARTMENT BALCONY.

IT IS SUNRISE AND TWO LADS SIT ON CHAIRS. THE BALCONY IS LITTERED WITH BEER CANS.

LAD 1:
This beer is piss. If I was at home now drinking, I'd have been in bed three hours ago.

LAD 2:
I know mate. Look, these boring twats have started putting their towels out already.

LAD 1:
Hmmm, fancy playing a practical joke on these sad bastards?

LAD 2:
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? You've got that mischeivious glint in your eye.

LAD 1:
Nah, that's the booze mate. Ok, operation poolside, let's go.

CUT TO TWO LADS CROUCHING DOWN BEHIND A PALM TREE NEAR THE POOL. NUMEROUS SUN LOUNGERS ARE DRAPED WITH TOWELS. THEY CREEP UP TO THE SUN LOUNGERS, TAKE OFF THE TOWELS, SWAP THE SUN LOUNGERS THEN PUT THE TOWELS BACK IN THE SAME POSITION.

EXT. BEACH - DAY

Dad is lay on the beach sunbathing and reading a book. His son (aged 7) runs over crying.

SON
Dad!! Will you tell John! He's ruining my sandcastle!

DAD
(Without moving)
John! Leave your brother's sandcastle alone!

Cut to. a monstrous sand fortress with John(aged 12), minuscule in comparison, kicking one of the walls and laughing.

I wanted to work abroad, she wouldn't let me.

MADRAS, INDIA. INT. AN ENGLISH TOURIST IN A WHITE SUIT CHECKS INTO THE MADRAS HILTON HOTEL.

MAN (TO HOTEL RECEPTIONIST):
Now tell me, this is my first trip, which restaurant serves the best Madras curry in the World?

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST (in thick Birmingham accent):
That'd be the 'Star of India' in Solihull, mate!

FADE FROM BLACK.

INT. MANS ABODE. DAY.

A ROOM. DARK. A FIRE CRACKLES IN AN OLD VICTORIAN FIRE PLACE. FURNITURE IS COVER BY DUST SHEETS. LIGHT STRAINS THROUGH GAPS IN WOODEN BOARDS FORCED UP AGAINST THE WINDOW PAINS.

AN OLD MAN SITS IN A BROKEN CHAIR, HIS LONG GRAYING HAIR REACHES TO THE FLOOR. HE HOLDS AN EMPTY WHISKEY GLASS IN HIS HAND AND STARES WITH EMPTY EYES AT THE FIRE.

OLD MAN: Fools, the lot of them. Fools.

HE TAKES A SIP OF HIS IMAGINARY BEVERAGE.

OLD MAN: They think they can go on Holiday without me.

HE LAUGHS.

OLD MAN: Ha.

HE TAKES ANOTHER SIP. BUT THIS TIME HE REELS IN DISGUST AND THROWS THE GLASS INTO THE FIRE.

OLD MAN (SHOUTING): Let them go!

HE GETS TO HIS FEET AND SHAKES HIS OLD BONY FISTS IN THE AIR.

OLD MAN: I will not be a prisoner to their jealousy of my wealth!

HE STOPS FOR A MOMENT. LOOKS TO THE FLOOR. A SINGLE TEAR ROLLS DOWN HIS CHEEK AND FALLS SLOWLY TO HIS SLIPPER.

REMORSE ENTERS HIS VOICE.

OLD MAN (Softly): Let them go.

FADE TO BLACK.

INT. SCHOOL - DAY

A group of kids are standing in a corridor reading letters.

KID 1
They organised a trip to Mexico for next month? Jesus.

KID 2
You going?

KID 1
Well, if I do go I'll most likely get a deadly disease and die, so... you know, I'll think about it. At the moment I'm kind of edging towards a no, though.

KID 2
Dude, relax, dude. You're not going to get Swine Flu. Only, like, 113 have actually died from it other there.

KID 3
That's like 50% of their population! (Laughs)

KID 1
That doesn't even relate to Mexico. And I'm definitely not going.

KID 2
Yeah, but then you'll get really far behind on your Geography.

KID 1
Geography won't help me when I'm dead.

KID 2
Fine, don't go. Gay.

KID 1
Yeah, that's good. That's a really mature attitude to have.

KID 2
Fine, at least I'm not gay.

EXT. MEXICO - DAY

The same group of kids stand in a crowded Mexico city, looking suprisingly healthy.

KID 2
See, what did I tell you?

KID 3 collapses.

KID 1
Son of a bitch.

Vote - Pedros

Hilarious, well written sketch.

Cool Mikado gets my vote.

Mine too.