Here Be Pirates sitcom

Hello fellow artistes!! Here's something I knocked up earlier, all criticism welcome!

Here be Pirates

INT. RUNDOWN ‘OLDE ENGLISH PUBBE’, SOMEONE HAS PUT A RED ‘X’ OVER THE 2ND B OF PUBBE. AT THE ENTRANCE READS A SIGN, ‘HIRING CREW. MUST LIKE WATER. ABANDON HOPE ALL YE PONCES WHO ENTER’.

Centre table with 2 men on 1 side – a scruffy man with a long, wispy beard is sat looking relatively angry [Pinkbeard] alongside a fairly plump man with a hat with a condescending look on his face [Eddi]. Opposite is a clearly intimidated man, Smidgeons.

PINKBEARD:
Master Smidgeons; you claim that your chronic seasickness will not stand in the way of you being a mate on our ship-

SMIDGEONS:
That’s correct, Mr. Pinkbeard, Sir.

EDDI:
And how were you proposing to get around that: catch scurvy to take your mind off it?

SMIDGEONS:
Oh no Sir, nothing quite as severe as that. Tablets.

EDDI:
Tablets…?

SMIDGEONS:
Stone tablets. [Pulls a large rock out of his bag, placing it on the table] Swallow half a dozen of these, and it crushes the seasick demon in yer belly.

PB:
I will have no demon genocide on my ship! Ya know why? [Dramatic] ‘Cos I am one… Now get out before I lay waste upon yer wretched soul.

SMIDGEONS:
Now come on, Sir, that’s a bit severe-

PB:
I’ll gouge out yer eyeballs with the lifeless fingernails of the festering ghouls of hell.

MAN runs out fearfully.

EDDI:
Next. Nice work on the alliteration of fingernails and festering by the way; it gave a definitive fluency to the piece.

PB:
I aim to please.

Enter a tall, nervous looking man.

EDDI:
All right, let’s get this over with. Take a seat.

MAN:
Thank you. [Pause] Nice day to set sail I see -

PINKBEARD:
I don’t recall giving you permission to speak, let alone see.

MAN:
I’m sorry, it’s just I’m quite nervo-

EDDI:
Answering back to the Captain, not a good first impression [jots something down on paper].

MAN:
Can we start over? We kinda got off on the wrong foot.

PB:
I don’t think I like the look of either of your feet, boy.

EDDI:
Or his legs for that matter.

PB:
Aye. And if your land legs look like that, then I dread to think what your sea legs look like. For all I know, they could look like some sort of happy, snappy eel couple; [to Eddi] the left being the male and the right being the female.

EDDI:
Naturally.

PB:
And I swear on my beard, and my father’s beard; and my mother’s beard, that I will not allow slime on my ship.

EDDI:
[Matter-of-factly] Health hazard.

MAN:
[At wits end] OK, let’s get one thing straight; I’m not a bad guy. I’m not; I’m a good guy, a kind, and considerate guy. Every Wednesday, I help around the leprosy clinic, slaving over diseased, crustier-than-crustacean freaks just to do my bit for the community. And now, I simply want to travel the world and make my family proud – charting uncharted seas, treasuring untreasured… treasure.

EDDI:
[Unamused] Molesting unmolested locals.

PB:
In all my years of sailing the seas - exploring dark new worlds - I have never met anyone with a blacker heart than he who now sits before me.

MAN:
[Looks around] Me…? I’m- I’m a good guy.

PB:
Oh, so now you’re questioning the Captains judgment?

EDDI:
I’m sorry, but I’d rather see us sail into Lucifer’s end cavity in an attempt to pillage his sacred brown treasure than have you on my ship. Good day.

MAN:
Well, I must say it was a pleasure.

MAN reluctantly and cautiously stands up and holds his hand out to shake Pinkbeards’.

PB:
He said, Good day.

MAN, taken aback, walks out the room.

PB:
Eddi, such a large collection of interviews have never gone this fruitless since Ol’ Redbeard’s search for a wench to call his own.

EDDI:
Aye, no one like a ginger do they. I must say, Pink, you are in a worse mood than normal.

PB:
Well today’s not a normal day is it; today I have witnessed 62 of the most pathetic men that this pathetic town has to offer me, in a pathetic gift-wrapped package.

EDDI:
Well, I have seen worse in my time.

PB:
They were single-handedly the biggest scum-suckers to have ever sucked a scummy surface. What really possesses them to believe that they can cut it on my ship?

EDDI:
Maybe it’s just your warm and modest demeanor.

PB:
[Self-absorbed] I don’t know Eddi, maybe it’s the sea salt corroding my brain, or the fact that we’ve had more interviews than Leviathan has scales on his pecker; but we haven’t met one good potential crewmember.

EDDI:
[Agreeing] Mm I agree. Well, not a single one that I didn’t get the urge to connect object A; their head, by means of a centrifugal force to object B; this bottle. [Lifts up beer bottle]

PB:
You always have to make things so complex, don’t you? The sad thing is, Eddi, the best we’ve had was that charming gentleman who had a more than usual fondness for jellyfish. Either he’s got a sting-proof penis or he’s just a real man.

EDDI:
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who’s had a usual fondness for jellyfish let alone a more than usual…

PB:
Well, whatever he’s got, I don’t want him on my ship. Can’t be good for the moral of the crew; he’s creepier than an insect paedophile.

EDDI:
Aye, at first it made him sound like an overly friendly fisherman, but when he started to get into minute detail about how the males sting their partner for sadomachistic pleasure, he just sounded like an overly friendly nut job.

PB:
Made me kinda feel like I was the one who was being stung by my male partner. Do you get it, being stung as well as being a homosexual?

EDDI:
/Mm.

PB:
It really is tragic that we need to find a new crewmember, if it wasn’t for that dreadful accident at sea, then poor Jim-bob would still…

They both bow their heads

EDDI:
Yes it’s such a shame that he was accidentally pushed overboard by your accident-prone hands.

PB:
Yes, after he accidentally ate my parrot. All this interviewing has made me hungry.

PB takes out an orange.

E:
[Acknowledging] Yes, orange.

PB:
No, scurvy.

And that's as far as I want to go as of now. As you probs can see by my amount of posts, I'm a newbie so if you bigwigs and industry dudes reply I'd be much appreciative. Muchos Gracias.

Well I'm no industry bigwig... in fact I'm quite bald in that department but yeah pretty good, I liked it. What are Eddi and PinkBeards characters like? They seemed to have some quite interchangeable lines in the script that could have been said by either of them. Maybe you could give us a character description of each?

There were lots of modern references and language mixed in with ye olde speak which I'm not sure about although I guess it's a good source of jokes.

Hi Callemcio

I think ShoePie is right and wrong. He's right about your characters not being distinct enough, which is what you need to work on. Even if it's only they way they talk. For instance, you could make the captain very pirate-y in his vocab (lots of over the top descriptions would work) and Eddi very scientific and well spoken. Ideally though, you want some quirks/flaws to come through otherwise it may as well have been any two blokes in the Pubbe talking

ShoePie, I only think you're wrong asking for the character profiles. I think it's essential the characterisation comes out in the plot. Any viewers are not going to have the benefit of character profiles so it has to shine through.

Callemcio again,

You seem to do what I do a lot, which is 'over-write'. I don't think this is a bad trait for a first draft but will need to edit down to make the lines punchier and more straight to the point. For example, near the end you've written:

Quote: Callemcio @ December 14, 2006, 9:31 PM

EDDI:
Aye, at first it made him sound like an overly friendly fisherman, but when he started to get into minute detail about how the males sting their partner for sadomachistic pleasure, he just sounded like an overly friendly nut job.

View original

whereas I reckon you should be writing:

EDDI:
At first it made him sound like an overly-friendly fisherman, but when he started to get into detail about how males sting their partners for masochistic pleasure, he sounded like a nut job.

(Or even splitting this joke between Eddi and Pinkbeard? Just for interaction)

And I'm only removed 'Well's, 'But's, a few 'the's, but it gets straight to the point. Be careful with too many 'Well's and 'Ah's at the beginning of lines; it's how people talk, but it's *not* how people talk on TV!

I'm no industry bigwig btw (far from it in fact) -- just someone who's made all the same mistakes in his own sitcom!

Hope this helps

Dan

I'm not going to go into detail it clearly needs abit of rewriting and I agree with swerytd as your sitcom is clearly set around pirates you should go the full hog on making it pirate-y but don't go mad or it will get annoying... hard medium to find.

But besides all of that I liked it alot:

MAN:
Thank you. [Pause] Nice day to set sail I see -

PINKBEARD:
I don’t recall giving you permission to speak, let alone see.

MAN:
I’m sorry, it’s just I’m quite nervo-

EDDI:
Answering back to the Captain, not a good first impression [jots something down on paper].

MAN:
Can we start over? We kinda got off on the wrong foot.

PB:
I don’t think I like the look of either of your feet, boy.

perfection. I laughed alot when reading that... and I rarely laugh out loud when reading a script. (I'm not dead inside, kinda hard to make me laugh)

Hey guys, thanks for your criticism. I've just started out writing stuff recently and fellow writers giving their opinion really does go a long way. I agree that the characters do need their own individual personalities and will try and work on that; possibly by putting them in a scenario and writing how they'd react differently or some other age-old technique handed down through the generations. Maybe I'll through a few Y'arrs in to make it more piratey (or something not so cliched).

Some of the script is fairly ambiguous such as when the first man runs out. Is that Smidgeons or just a random man. Also if you are going to send the script to anyone don't abbreviate names.

Apart from the blatant gingerism and the stung joke (you have to make it clear if Pinkbeard is gay or not, i don't think having a pinkbeard makes it that obvious, he could just be eccentric) it had some good lines.

I like the fact your concerned about jokes rather than story. Comedy should make you laugh first then include a story line rather than the other way round.

It is also a good setup for a sitcom as you only have one set (the pub) and i assume you will also want the Leviathon (their ship) as the other main set.

I agree with Swerytd, why write 38 words when 34 wil do? That sentance was 12 words i should have used 8 so even i do it

I wouldn't bother changing the style as some people will think that the its funny because 'its like they're pirates and there using ye olde langusge but they're like using modern jokes, the juxtaposition is like genius cause its post modern yet old.' In other words changing it may turn it into something TV exects wank over. so please no y'arrs. just ask yourself is Two Pints funnier because they use 'mardy bum' cause they're northern? (Answer, trick question, Two Pints isn't funny)

If your going to develop it into a sitcom, which you should, you are going to need more characters. i would have a female character in there and maybe some dim but uncynical characters for Pinkbeard and Eddi to play off. If you want story ideas you could just 'borrow' from Hornblower, Pirates of the carrabien, Master and Commander etc and parody them.

The following paragraph is my own personal opinion (in other words this paragaph isn't advice its more of a statement so you can ignore it if you think its bullshit which it probabyl is). Most sitcoms, that aren't American mass produced crap, go down either a 'real' route e.g The Office or 'surreal' route e.g The Mighty Boosh. So I think you should consider which way you want to go as from what you've written you could do either. My prefered style is to do both by having very surrel scenes/dialogue set in a realistic environmnet. I think you could also go down this route. But whatever you do trust your instincts and don't compromise your work to please other people.

Cheers for your comments ajp but need to get some things sorted. Smidgeons is a one episode character; this is his only part. Secondly, for the record, Pinkbeard is NOT gay! He's just eccentric. Those of you who read it through in a gay voice because you thought he was gay or whatever, please read through again in a husky, angry voice as that is his character. And Leviathon was simply a metaphor, using the mythical God of the sea as a comedic device (hence scales and his pecker. Can't say I've ever seen a ship with a functioning penis but hey, I've never watched Ships Gone Wild 3: Starboard Surprise). I haven't thought a name up for the ship yet but yeah, that and the pub are good settings and maybe 1 more. Again, cheers.

And yes, we all know two pints isn't funny.

Hi again Callemcio

Quote: Callemcio @ December 17, 2006, 8:36 PM

Secondly, for the record, Pinkbeard is NOT gay! He's just eccentric. Those of you who read it through in a gay voice because you thought he was gay or whatever, please read through again in a husky, angry voice as that is his character.

View original

This is precisely what you need your script to convey so you don't have to explain it and sort of the point I was making about character. Your script needs to *make* the reader read Pinkbeard's voice in an angry, husky voice without us having to be guided. You need to use his vocabulary, way of speaking to be quite gruff and not ambiguous.

Don't for one minute think I'm saying this is easy -- it is *damn* difficult, but once you've done it, you'll be satisfied that no-one is reading Pinkbeard's voice in a gay way.

For the record, I hadn't even considered him being gay but when it was suggested it got me thinking that maybe in your sitcom one of the characters could be as it would be interesting to see how he deals with it in a largely heterosexual environment and would certainly give you ideas for a plot/storyline or two (they could come across their pirate nemeses on the seas which are a big boat of gay pirates and all he wants to do is join the other ship)

I think ajp's suggestion that it should be about jokes rather than story is unfortunately wrong. I'd love you to be right, ajp, I really would. But my writing partner and me started out with that philosophy and our sitcom first draft was the biggest pointless clueless mess of a story that you could have. I'm afraid it's *all* about the plot and how the characters act and react within that storyline. The jokes come out of the situation. The vast majority of the jokes are basically the 'icing' on the top of the script that have been prised in somehow into an appropriate area of the story.

(And for information, I typed 'prised' with an 's' but it seems to 'correct' it to a 'z' for some reason, which is infuriating for a pedant like me!)

Hope this helps

Dan

I didn't think pink beard was gay until someone else mentioned it. Then I thought I may have missed the whole joke, but apparently not.

Quote: steve by any other name @ December 18, 2006, 11:31 AM

I didn't think pink beard was gay until someone else mentioned it. Then I thought I may have missed the whole joke, but apparently not.

View original

Hehe -- that's exactly what I went through!

Off the subject but brought up above. I get confused by 'Two Pints...'. It's either a work of unspeakably great genius or utterly, utterly shash but I can't decide which. It is either one or the other but nowhere in between! I *did* like 'Grownups' though.

Dan

Well swerytd, if sitcoms ARE all about plots then i'd say that's me out of the race for tv stardom. I prefer writing funny dialogue followed with a plot secondarily. And I assumed that's what sitcoms (situation COMEDIES - it's in the title really, it'd simply be a drama otherwise) were about. But you never know, this - my - style of writing may be the next big thing. Hey, it's not like sitcoms should ALWAYS be unoriginal, banal and, well for lack of a better term - formulaicly imitated by its forefathers for generations. However, I understand your reasoning concerning dialogue bouncing off of plots and situations (again, SITcom - I guess the clue really IS in the title...).

Overall, I've proven something but I don't know what it is. Apart from that I'm at a loose end.

And about being gingerist, ajp? Puhh-lease tell me you
were being sarcastic or at least attempting to be
funny. After all, this is a comedy forum last time
I checked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Callemcio

Quote: Callemcio @ December 18, 2006, 8:45 PM

...if sitcoms ARE all about plots then i'd say that's me out of the race for tv stardom. I prefer writing funny dialogue followed with a plot secondarily.

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Maybe you should try writing sketches? Or at least starting with sketch-writing to get a feel for some characters? Write a few sketches 'starring' your pirates and make them standalone funny. These could be recurring characters in a sketch show. I suppose you could eventually 'collect' them into a single storyline by incorporating these sketches into a story with a few relevant changes in the dialogue. Then you'd have an episode of your sitcom.

Start with your funny dialogue standing alone by itself in sketches first, is what I'm saying (in far too many words -- do as I say, not as I do! )

Quote: Callemcio @ December 18, 2006, 8:45 PM

... I assumed that's what sitcoms (situation COMEDIES - it's in the title really, it'd simply be a drama otherwise) were about.

View original

Yeah, I think a lot of people make that mistake.

If your sitcom is funny, then well done you. If it's not, take all the jokes out and send it to the drama bit of Writers' Room, instead of the Comedy Narrative bit

Quote: Callemcio @ December 18, 2006, 8:45 PM

But you never know, this - my - style of writing may be the next big thing. Hey, it's not like sitcoms should ALWAYS be unoriginal, banal and, well for lack of a better term - formulaicly imitated by its forefathers for generations. However, I understand your reasoning concerning dialogue bouncing off of plots and situations (again, SITcom - I guess the clue really IS in the title...).

View original

Hmm, it *might* be the next big thing. But the chances are, it isn't. And even if it is, you need to find a producer/production company that thinks it is, despite the fact they've worked with the 'formulaic' ideas for their entire careers. You are very naive if you think yours will stand out because, to be frank, to me it didn't stand out. Sorry for the reality check.

I think first-time writers (in general) think they have to write *the* most original, laughing-in-the-aisles, funniest thing ever as their first sitcom and I don't think it's true. I think it needs to be above the average sitcom stuff on TV to get noticed but, once you're in, you can get away with a lot less (not that I'm saying they're crap, just they don't have to impress as much with their foot in the door). You have to write an entertaining story, where the viewer/listener cares about the characters and what is happening to them (not necessarily sympathising but at least empathising) and tying up all the loose ends neatly at the end, leaving them back at the starting point of the episode, ready for next week's shenanigans. Anything hilarious that comes out of this is a bonus, but you are really in the area of entertainment and the viewer/listener's investment in the characters.

If you think you can change that, then good luck to you, but the vast majority of us have enough trouble trying to get noticed with *what they want*, let alone what they're not expecting!

Quote: Callemcio @ December 18, 2006, 8:45 PM

Overall, I've proven something but I don't know what it is. Apart from that I'm at a loose end.

View original

I wouldn't be at a loose end. Persistence really is the name of the game in comedy-writing. Write some sketches and see if that works first.

Even if you do have *some* success writing, you won't be lying in a big bed of cash, going to premieres! It sounds like everyone is in this cos they enjoy writing, not because of the monetary reward or stardom. Your performers are going to get most of the credit for bringing it to life on screen, not you, for writing it in the first place!

There. I've thoroughly depressed myself now

Dan

Just a comment on the gingerist issue. Game On had a plethora of ginger jokes throughout every episode, and that did alright.

I suppose it did have Sam Janus in it though.

What I'm saying is, the red beard jokes fine. Thats coming from one with a red beard.

Quote: Callemcio @ December 18, 2006, 8:45 PM

if sitcoms ARE all about plots then i'd say that's me out of the race for tv stardom. I prefer writing funny dialogue followed with a plot secondarily.

View original

Got to agree with Swertyd on this point. When I started out, I thought it was gags then story but analyse all the great shows. Look at Fawlty Towers, intricate 2-3 level plots, yet they're all packed with gags. Look at the Not Going Out thread where the writer describes the fact that the original script was a series of gags with no plot, and he was given the task of creating the plotlines.

Every form of drama (and i'd say comedy is a drama form) has as its backbone a plot. Without plot, you're writing 30 minutes of standup with several characters involved. They don't have to be deeply intricate (look at the Red Dwarf episode where Lister and Rimmer are stranded in StarBug on a planet) but they have to involve setup (stranded on a planet) events (it's getting colder) consequences (Lister will freeze to death) Solution (Burn something) The comedy comes in the battle over WHAT to burn.

Ideally devise a plot that when you describe it, it sounds funny in itself. That way jokes are already built-in. Again, re: FTowers / RDwarf, telling someone the plot is often funny without any quoted dialogue.

Think of actions / character reactions / and consequences which lead to more actions etc. Each scene should have a mini resolution of some conflict that formed the core of the scene, and each show should have a plot resolution. It's what gives us satisfaction. If you fail to resolve, you leave the reader feeling cheated. The resolution should be clearly stated, explicit rather than implicit. How often have you watched a film / sitcom and thought "bastards, what did that ending mean?" It isn't a nice feeling.

Just found the interview with Andrew Collins, who co-wrote 'Not Going Out' with Lee Mack and some of the things he says:

(Interview here: https://www.comedy.co.uk/writers/not_going_out.shtml)

"We start with a story and spend many days plotting it out in detail. Once the story's watertight, we start writing the dialogue, from whence the jokes arise. So, the inspiration is the situation and the relationship between the characters."

and

"If there's no 'sit' [out of sit-com], it's just a load of set-ups and punchlines. Whether we achieved it or not in Not Going Out is up to other people to decide, but the aim was create three believable characters that you'd care about. Yes, Not Going Out is heavily gag-centric, but if you don't want Lee to get together with Kate, the show has failed. At one point during a studio recording, the audience actually did an involuntary "aaahhh" after a poignant Lee-Kate moment. That was the clincher for me. That gave me hope that we might just have pulled it off."

So that's what he thinks as an experienced writer!

Dan