My first ever attempt at written comedy...

Hi there, I'm Norman. I have been writing some stand-up over the past few days after seeing Russell Howard live and seeing that there was an amazing number of good looking girls throwing themselves at him - and thought. I want a piece of that..... the girls that is. Not Russell. So, I would really appreciate some critiques for my first ever attempts at stand-up...

My name's Norman.. and I know what you're thinking, you expected me to be an 80-year old paedophile?

.... well don't worry... I'm not 80.

I am 18, which has its advantages…not only will I be able to go to a club, drive a car or buy a lottery ticket… But Garry Glitter will no longer want to shag me!

Some people have said that he should be killed, but if he was hung... surely more kids will just want to have sex with him?

My aim in life is to answer all the big questions - why are we here? why is the sky blue? And what do blind people think about when they masterbate?

.. personally, I think it's "oh..... GOD.... this better be mine!!"

There is one thing that always gets me about late night telly... do deaf people only watch the telly at 4am or something?

That's when all the sign people are on the box, ever went on a music channel at that time? Yeah! They're there too.. because that's what deaf people love........music!

I think the reason they are up late, is cause they're sleep late.. they're nocturnal! I mean, I'd never hire a deaf person they'd always be late... "yeah... the alarm didn't go off!!"

The sign people on music channels are amazing.. has anyone seen the one for 50-Cent's Candy Shop? *Act it out*

I would love to see her sign out the Prodigy's Smack my Bitch up!! *Act it out*

awww...great song..... wouldn't you just love Chris Brown and Rihanna to come out with a cover of that?

** Fin. For now... but I would appreciate any feedback (I realise that some of my links are poor.. I a working on improving them. It is very disjointed.)

Thank you all very much for reading, even if you don't critique... I sincerely hope you enjoyed it!

I like your avatar.

I thought the deaf/blind stuff was pretty good.

The signing music channel thing is very, very similar to some stand-up I wrote ages ago.

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ June 22 2009, 12:08 AM BST

I thought the deaf/blind stuff was pretty good.

The signing music channel thing is very, very similar to some stand-up I wrote ages ago.

View original

... ah, great mines then!

Well, they do say great mines are utilized in a similar fashion for the extraction of valuable raw materials.

I'll get me coat.

If you guys would prefer, I could "act it out" on stick it on YouTube for some real critique?

For me the Paedo jokes are tired.

Quite a few of the stand up gags posted in here have been based on that recently - this makes me thinks there are hundreds of new stand ups doing them around the country.

I'd try something different.

I would say this is an excellent start for a first ever attempt. Well done, seriously. You've got the most important thing down and that's jokes! And lots of them.

Yeah once you've got some more written film it. I'd recommend you film it after the pub infront of a group of drunk friends, that way you'll definitely have some laughter. I always find stand-up performed to a webcam in a bedroom painful to watch!

Great first attempt. Really impressed, keep it up

I quite liked them. Funny, which is good for stand-up.

Dan

Quote: bigfella @ June 22 2009, 7:51 AM BST

For me the Paedo jokes are tired.

Quite a few of the stand up gags posted in here have been based on that recently - this makes me thinks there are hundreds of new stand ups doing them around the country.

I'd try something different.

View original

Thanks... I was trying to start with something self-depreciative and link it into something relatively topical. I will try and find a better opening line then...

Glad it has been well recieved. I shall write some more and post it... Something MASSIVELY embarassing happened to me last week, and I am just trying to find the humour.. I'll use that!

Funny stuff here, but I agree with Bigfella - cut out the paedo stuff altogether and start with the masturbation joke or something else. Paedo jokes are getting too old (he said, attempting a variation). Also if you start with them you are losing a lot of the audience from the kick off.

Okay.. here is more of my ill-thought out attempts at stand up...

I'm not the best person.. y'know sexually.. I know what my strengths are and that's just not it...

I have a 166 IQ.. but that doesn't really impress the ladies like you'd think.. I was once told by a girl she'd rather a guy with a big brain than a big cock..

I don't think that is true.. although in her defence, Stephen Hawking is literally swimming in punani.

I'm not saying I'm awful sexually... although sometimes even when I'm masterbating the orgasm is faked...

Agree with Bigfella about the paedo gag - they're just boring to hear now (much like Stephen Hawking jokes).

The blind gag has an intriguing setup but fails for it's nonsensical punchline. Blind people are pretty famous for their sense of touch so it's hard to imagine there being confusion as to whose genitals they were holding.

Enjoyed the deaf/alarm gag.

I get what you mean about the blind gag... but I think most people won't look too far into that joke to notice it's flaws... I mean, Garry Glitter preferred little girls to little boys, but the essence of that joke remains the same.

I completely agree with the paedo jokes now, after so many have said it, and will aim to find a better opening line.

Any more tips on what's been written?