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Quote: bigfella @ June 21 2009, 11:52 AM BST

When you see 50 odd posts in Critque you know that there has to be a frank exchange of views.

I've watched the first half and can say it did nothing for me.

But, this is the important thing, in comedy you will never please everyone - so I think you should write what you think is funny - which you guys do.

Don't make the mistake of trying to write something for someone else, it will never work. (I'm not saying that you will)

It's hard when you get negative feedback, it used to hit me like a bombshell. Then I realised that some of the stuff that got good great feedback on here never sold and some that got slammed netted me a cheque ( a small one, of course).

But, some of the advice given here is great - its up to you if you take it or not.

Good luck with it all!

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Thanks for the good luck. We will certainly continue writing what we find funny as we have always done.

I agree some of the feedback is worthy and that is why I put it on here to get this sort of feedback. I could have not put it on here and just shown my friends and family and hid by the internal optimism but I didn't because I wanted as many views, positive or negative as possible.

One little bug bare of mine, not to attack you, is people commenting but not watching the full show. I can sort of understand if it's 30 minutes but it's only 12 minutes and in my opinion the second part is far superior and funnier. Especially my personal favourites the 'Next Weeks'.

Definitely hearing the fabric tearing...

I've just watched it and I'm sorry but I didn't find it funny at all. I just didn't see any gags in there. On the up side though I did think it was very well filmed and edited. The only bit I found quite humourous was when the army guy was locked into the room, but his reaction was way too over-the-top and didn't fit in with the rest of it. I think there is a good gag in there but you need to play it down more. Maybe just have him have some kind of mental breakdown instead of running around the place?

I think the big problem with the voice over is the sound quality more than anything. He has a bit of an echo to his voice which can make it hard to understand in bits.

Hope that helps.

Go on then.

But in the real world busy producers don't wait 5 minutes for gold, it's rarely more than 2.

Quote: James Cotter @ June 21 2009, 12:05 PM BST

One little bug bare of mine, not to attack you, is people commenting but not watching the full show. I can sort of understand if it's 30 minutes but it's only 12 minutes and in my opinion the second part is far superior and funnier. Especially my personal favourites the 'Next Weeks'.

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Then make that the first bit, otherwise you've lost people. As I'm sure you've learnt on your BTEC course, producers and ultimately viewers, will switch off if the first 5 minutes doesn't grab them.

The most important thing to remember, is to listen to any crit, to take it on board and consider it, but if you don't agree then to ignore it.

I saw the other 6 minutes and other than losing the voice over it's basically the same as the first.

It's 2 characters not interracting except one of them pulls pranks on the other one for no apparent reason. That's about as far as you can get from sitcom.

Even within a one page sketch one should be aiming for a basic 3 act structure. And the I'm a mad soldier in an inappropriate setting isn't that funny.

Turning green now...

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ June 21 2009, 12:03 PM BST

It would be great to get some feedback from a comedy or drama producer. One of my best friends directs and producers lifestyle and reality TV and it's very different to comedy.

That's great you're studying and getting qualifications. I'm currently doing a MA in screenwriting and work with MA directing students and we would have to work really hard to produce something we would use to try and sell our stuff to TV companies.

I understand the type of humour you want to do is difficult to put across via script and therefor making your own film is a great way to get it across, but I would really recommend working on the script a bit more and then filming a much more professional looking show with more polished performances.

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I knew this was going to be bought up because Luke is not a comedy producer even though the reason why we got his advice is he a professional so it's better then just mates and the second reason is my character Mark Rodgers has some scenes filmed in a Bear Grylls style and this accrues a lot more in the series.

I take your point about spending more time on the script something with we will be doing for the series. This issue about the pilot not being up to scratch is because I see this pilot as demo pilot very much in the style of how 'The Office' filmed a demo pilot to get the idea clear in there minds as well producers minds.

Are target is to get a another pilot after this pilot which is a un-broadcast pilot like this one (even though it's online) with has all the improvements we want to make as well as well as what other people have suggested, this will accrue with a bigger budget although compared to other programmes still very small. After that pilot we will then make a broadcastable pilot with if it is a success we will make a series.

We are not as naïve as everyone thinks and we don't think we going to take this to a producer and he says "welcome onboard the BBC gravy train and he's a big contact with lots of money, you can make as many shows as you want". We are not on Graham Norton's level yet.

Timbo you're not taunting me deliberately are you? I'm feeling a bit taunted here.

'Yes they did find that scene very funny because I ad-libbed most of it. We retro-scripted the scene because I felt it would work best as I and my co-star are good at improv. Although saying that, this was the second take and not the first as the first was marred by far too much laughter. We also did a third take which lasted even longer by it was felt that the second take hid the nail on the head.'

I don't see what's so funny about you shouting militaristically at people. Young comedians go for this 'shouting = humour' vibe way too much and its just not that funny. What you need are some good jokes, some lines with actual humour.

Quote: sootyj @ June 21 2009, 12:03 PM BST

Has it ever occured to you that the reason why sitcoms do what they do is not becuase the writers don't share your brilliant insights?

I wonder if John Cleese and Conny Booth sat down and said,
"Hmm why don't we make sure Manuel and Basil never meet?"
"Yes they can wander in and shout at the guests but never talk to each other."
"But won't that just be unfunny and irritating?"
"That's why Graham Chapman's going to do a droning voice over that gets on everyone's tits."
"You mean the unfunny voice over will distract from the boring action?"
"Precisley!"

Might I reccomend trying Mark Blake's excellent guide to sitcom writing. Or just watching a few decent ones and working out how what they do is funny as oposed to watching and getting exited about things they didn't do that you think you could do better.

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I think it is a bit harsh to start comparing it to 'Fawlty Towers'. You can put any sitcom, professional or semi-professional and it wouldn't come anywhere near 'Fawlty Towers'.

Plus I have Marc Blake's guide to sitcom writing book. I bought it some years ago.

Honestly now, if we weren't sending it off to production companies and it was just a little comedy show on the internet you've got to say it isn't that bad is it?

(I'm inviting trouble now!)

Quote: sootyj @ June 21 2009, 12:21 PM BST

Timbo you're not taunting me deliberately are you? I'm feeling a bit taunted here.

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For 14403 posts you have good naturally taken abuse that would have had David Banner nipping into Burtons - I am just intrigued as to what it is about James that has unleashed your inner hulk?

Quote: Timbo @ June 21 2009, 12:31 PM BST

For 14403 posts you have good naturally taken abuse that would have had David Banner nipping into Burtons - I am just intrigued as to what it is about James that has unleashed your inner hulk?

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It may be something I've noticed every now and again on here, which is when crit is offered but not accepted, all hell can break loose!

Quote: James Cotter @ June 21 2009, 12:29 PM BST

Honestly now, if we weren't sending it off to production companies and it was just a little comedy show on the internet you've got to say it isn't that bad is it?

(I'm inviting trouble now!)

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On that level and if it was a school project and given your age and everything I'd say it was okay.

But comparing it to professional sitcoms it doesn't, in my opinion, fare very well.

So, I suppose you've got to decide what you want to do with it. Personally I'd advise you to both carry on writing. And writing and writing. If you want to perform as well than just make little sketches, etc and stick them on the net to build up a profile.