This is the first time I've ever tried to write any stand up - I'm a little worried about posting this becuase I've tried to relate it to my personal experiances. Experiances which may well not relate to anyone else - simply because they can't appricate being in my position. But I guess this is the best place to "try it out" as opposed to live.
I think most people are aware of my history with my weight but I also have a slight stutter, nothing major and you might not notice it unless I mention it but if I was going to have a bash at stand up then this would certainly worry me. So I thought it best to address that right at the start of the routine.
Anyway enough waffle here it is. - I appreciate your views.
I'm a rarity in a stand up, I have a stutter. Particularly on the letter F. It's great when I'm ffff**king my wife, makes things last a lot longer.
As you can see I'm really into health and fitness and all that.
Actually I lost over ten stone recently. Yeap, it amazing to be able to move around again, the only thing is I have to go to the shops for my own fags now.
It's amazing how ignorant people can be when dealing with the larger gentleman. Believe it or not most fat people are actually ashamed about their size and hate being looked at. Restaurants are the worst thing. You go in and you can almost see the Manager rubbing his hands together at the prospect of a big order. They then parade you through the whole restaurant, to a table in the furthest corner – making sure that everyone sees you on route, they virtually get the flags out to wave in front of you, I'm surprised they don't hire a military brass band to lead you to the table....just to make sure no one misses the fact that you are there. Of course all pairs of eyes are now on you, everyone seems to rush to get their orders in as though you're going to eat everything on the menu. Then of course you find that the table, which seems to be located somewhere near Melbourne, is in fact a booth. The manager then looks at you strangely when you quietly explain that it might be a tight squeeze - they act all dumb as if they have failed to spot the size of your girth. Then in the loudest voice they say "Ah you can't fit in there can you?" and then are paraded back through the restaurant back to the table right by the door. My which time, you've gone so red in the face that the steaks can be cooked on your cheeks.
In fact one of the more bizarre incidents of my life happened in a restaurant. Earlier in the day I had proposed to my girlfriend, she said yes and then helped me get up off bended knee. We then decided on a nice romantic meal to end the day. It was great, we had the whole restaurant to ourselves, it was all lovely candles and quite music and then twenty sumo wrestlers walk in. Honestly this is a true story. So there I am on the night I become engaged, my myself and my fiancée are sat eating dinning with twenty or so sumo wrestlers. Then a smaller guy who is obviously the manager of the group walks over to towards, and I think oh God he's going to ask me I want to join his team. But I was just being paranoid – it was my fiancée he wanted to sign up.
