Oh well, seen the writers list on the programme website. Congrats to all who got in, I look forward to hearing it tonight.
Writing for Newsjack (aka 7 on 7) Page 34
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Ooh David Melkevik's on. He's one of ours. Well done David M!
Oh No!
I've just seen the list and there's a name on there that is exactly like mine except it has one letter missing off the end. I will now have to chew my finger nails for another hour!!!!
Why does writing torment me so?
Because you deserve it.
Rejected (1)
F/X AUTOMATIC WEAPONS FIRE, EXPLOSIONS OFF
ROSS KEMP:The pirates in the waters off Somalia don't say things like 'Oi me hearties' or have it off with Keira Knightley. In fact they're more likely to disembowel you and then force you to eat your own...
F/X A MOBILE PHONE RINGTONE
Bugger. Okay, cut it guys. (PAUSE) Hello?
WEAPONS FIRE ENDS ABRUPTLY
JANETD) Ross! Hi, it's Janet from Sky here. I'm just ringing to bounce some ideas off you for your next series.
ROSS KEMP:Fire away, Janet.
JANETD) Great! Just visualise this. A darkened office building late at night. You're seated at a desk, poring over papers by torchlight. Suddenly your finger stabs the page. They've been entering phony invoices for non-existent office equipment! Ross Kemp on Tax Evasion! Whaddya think?
ROSS KEMP:Um...It's not exactly dangerous, is it?
JANETD) I don't know about that. Some of those accountants can be pretty fierce.
ROSS KEMP
oesn't sound like my kind of thing to be honest.
JANETD) Not to worry. How about this. Picture yourself at midnight on a deserted construction site. The house under construction has stone cladding whereas a brick facade was clearly stipulated in the planning approval. Ross Kemp on Planning Violations. Whaddya think?
ROSS KEMP:I'm hard Janet!
JANETD) I hear a cold shower can help that, but what do you think of the series?
ROSS KEMP:I've an image to maintain. My viewers expect danger and excitement.
JANETD) Well that's the problem, you see? When you've already done neo-nazis, pirates and the Taliban it starts to become a bit of a challenge to come up with ever more dangerous things for you to do.
ROSS KEMP:How about Ross Kemp on Drugs?
JANETD) Sounds kind of unfortunate, doesn't it?
ROSS KEMP:You got any other ideas?
JANETD) Ross Kemp on Inconsiderate Neighbours?
ROSS KEMP:No.
JANETD) Ross Kemp on Food Hygiene Infractions?
ROSS KEMP:No! Is this the best you've got?
JANETD) There is one more. I was hesitant about bringing it up. It would involve extreme danger.
ROSS KEMP:I'm game.
JANETD) The constituency of Bluebury and Hazeldean consists almost entirely of unemployed bankers with massive negative equity. They've had to resort to boiling strips of upholstery taken from their 4x4s in order to have anything to eat. The local Labour party is struggling to find a candidate for the next general election. How about Ross Kemp on the Ballot Paper?
ROSS KEMP:I don't know 'bout this, Janet...
JANETD) What's the problem?
ROSS KEMP:Well a bit of danger's one thing but I don't have a bleedin' death wish.
Rejected (2)
NARRATOR:With the stock market down and property values in a death spiral, all was not well on Hysteria Lane.
F/X BURNING PAPERS
SUSAN:Good God Brie, what are you doing?
BRIE:What does it look like? I'm making a bonfire of my bank share certificates. They're worth less than the paper they're printed on.
SUSAN:This is a disaster! We're all ruined. Did you see who moved in to number 7? They all look like carjackers. Half the houses on the street are boarded up and most of the rest have been burned to the ground for insurance.
BRIE
ull yourself together Susan. There are still plenty of wealth-creation opportunities for people with initiative. I'm going to knock off the liquor store on 9th Street. You in?
NARRATOR:These truly were destitute housewives. How would they make their next mortgage payment?
(NARRATOR/CONTD. OVER)
NARRATOR (CONTD.):Well why are you asking me? If it can't be solved by pausing at strange, points in sentences and stringing platitudes together, I'm probably not the one to solve it.
Rejected (3) -- disappointed about this one
NEWSCASTER:And now we go live to Westminster where the Prime Minister's press conference is about to commence.
F/X PRESS CONFERENCE ATMOSPHERE
JOURNO#1OFF) Prime Minister!
ANDREWOFF) Prime Minister!
GORDON BROWN
ne at a time, please. Andrew?
ANDREWOFF) Prime Minister, in view of the fact that it's been basically wiped out as an electoral force across the south of England, do you admit there's a risk Labour might be reduced to a regional party after the next general election?
GORDON BROWN:Certainly not. Labour is a socialist party with a national base. We have always been a national socialist party and we will remain a national socialist party.
F/X UPROAR, LOUD GUFFAWS
JOURNO#2OFF) Prime Minister, do you believe Labour will rule for a thousand years?
JOURNO#1OFF) How do you plan to tackle gauleiters' expenses?
GORDON BROWNoes anyone have any serious questions?
JOURNO#3OFF) Prime Minister, are you planning to visit Poland in the near future?
GORDON BROWN:We're looking into paying a lightning visit to Poland in the coming months.
F/X MORE UPROAR. FADE.
NEWSCASTER:Extraordinary scenes there at Westminster. With us here in studio to discuss the Prime Minister's remarkable statements is the Right Honourable Michael Braxton-Hicks, MP for Melvin in the Hayes. Mr Braxton-Hicks, has this has been the greatest political gaffe in modern history?
BRAXTON-HICKSn the contrary, I think it's the first sensible thing the PM has said in years. David will certainly be alarmed at this sudden outbreak of good sense in the Labour party.
Please stick these in critique or else this thread will get a little confused.
Ah well.
I fear my three may have been a tad too long. They all lasted 2 - 3 pages. (in BBC radio format)
I'll still listen though.
Will be interesting to hear this episode to get an idea of the styles used.
********* EDIT ******************
Judging by the excellent writers on this forum who DIDN'T get in, it should be a really top notch quality episode.
Oh, and congrats to Matthew Stott. 
Quote: Griff @ June 18 2009, 9:30 PM BSTOoh David Melkevik's on. He's one of ours. Well done David M!
Cheers Griff! I only saw this post like a minute before the show started, I didn't know I was in.
I sent a sketch and a few corrections in and it was one of the corrections that they used:
"Last week we said we had detected the first green shoots of economical recovery. Unfortunately we now realise this was in fact just a cress mayonnaise sandwich left in the Newsjack fridge."
Congratulations to everybody else who made it in tonight's show!
So it appears they're only using one-liners, rather than sketches from open submissions.
Nice one Dave!
I can't do comedy but I can do statistics. So I made of note of what went in for the strategic amongst us!
Miles intro/ Lawyer Phone Call/ Brown Public Enquiry/ Vox Pops x 4/ Newsbullet/ Secret Weapon/ Poet Laureate/ Mens Health/ Vox Pops x 5/ Fish Appeal/ Robert Peston/ Thrift Expert/ Miles Undercover - Dairy Farmers/ Vox Pops x 5/ Digestive Transit/ 50's Style Show/ Prince Charles/ Corrections x 5
A total of 33 items credited to 24 writers (plus Miles?) duration just under 30 mins.
From memory what didn't get broadcast were:
BNP- Daleks/ Taiser training/ Topshop/ Possibly one or two vox pops.
I enjoyed it overall with Bill Oddie my favourite Vox Pop
Well done to all who made it in this week and good luck to everyone next week!
One of my corrections got in then, it was actually the last bit of the show:
"A bit of a goof on last weeks show, Prime Minister Gordon Brown is of course not well known for the catchphrase 'Who da' boss? I'm da' boss!' It is, of course, 'Say what cheese-face?'"
Well done, Stotty!
Quote: Matthew Stott @ June 19 2009, 8:56 AM BSTOne of my corrections got in then, it was actually the last bit of the show:
"A bit of a goof on last weeks show, Prime Minister Gordon Brown is of course not well known for the catchphrase 'Who da' boss? I'm da' boss!' It is, of course, 'Say what cheese-face?'"
That 'Who da' boss...' line made me laugh out loud just now. Excellent. Congrats (on getting in, not making me laugh)!
I thought the Fish Appeal was a really excellent sketch. Best of the episode.
I enjoyed listening to this episode. Thought it was not bad and should be cooking along nicely by about episode 3. Let's hope they continue it for two 10-week runs a year as was the original plan.
Dan
Well done to Matthew and David!
I think my sketches were too long. 1-2 pages is probably too long?
Quote: Matthew Stott @ June 19 2009, 8:56 AM BSTOne of my corrections got in then, it was actually the last bit of the show:
"A bit of a goof on last weeks show, Prime Minister Gordon Brown is of course not well known for the catchphrase 'Who da' boss? I'm da' boss!' It is, of course, 'Say what cheese-face?'"
I think that may have been the funniest thing in the show. 
Quote: Little Jersey Devil @ June 19 2009, 9:31 AM BSTWell done to Matthew and David!
I think my sketches were too long. 1-2 pages is probably too long?
Not at all for a sketch. But I think they only used one-liners in the end from non-comm writers.