See you in the morning?

TWO MEN (LET'S CALL THEM JIM & CLINT) STAND OUTSIDE A HOUSE. THERE IS SCAFFOLDING UP.

CLINT:
Sorry Jim, I don't like doing this but we really need that five thousand now to get the materials for starting tomorrow. (SHRUGGING) And for some weird reason the builders merchants only accept cash.

JIM PULLS OUT A BUNDLE OF CASH AND HANDS IT OVER.

JIM:
Should be exactly five there.

CLINT:
Okay, that's great. I'll see you tomorrow.

A GROUP OF COWBOYS EMERGE ON HORSES. CLINT JUMPS ON THE BACK OF ONE AND THEY RIDE OFF.

JIM:
(WAVING) See you in the morning!

I liked this. I think it has potential to be a runner with various trades.

Sorry, I just found it a bit odd more than funny.

Quote: Ponderer @ June 18 2009, 11:03 AM BST

I liked this. I think it has potential to be a runner with various trades.

View original

Cheers Ponderer. Will definitely follow this up.

Quote: ShoePie @ June 18 2009, 11:28 AM BST

Sorry, I just found it a bit odd more than funny.

View original

No need to be sorry Shoe

But I am a little confused as to how it comes across as odd?

I'm not sure how it's odd. I liked it, good idea. You could have it more over the top, he could be dressed as a cowboy all along, Shooting bottles and spitting tobacco.

Quote: pedros @ June 18 2009, 3:17 PM BST

I'm not sure how it's odd. I liked it, good idea. You could have it more over the top, he could be dressed as a cowboy all along, Shooting bottles and spitting tobacco.

View original

Cheers Pedro. It wouldn't really suit to be OTT, giving that you don't know he's a cowboy until the cowboys turn up on horses.

There is definitely alot that could be done with this. A more OTT would be good. I have a few ideas.

Quote: Craig H @ June 18 2009, 12:06 PM BST

But I am a little confused as to how it comes across as odd?

View original

They're having a conversation and then a bunch of cowboys on horses turn up. That's not odd to you?!

It just left me with an 'Okaaaay then' feeling rather than being amused. Plus builder/cowboy comparisons are pretty old. Not trying to be mean, other people likes it, just not for me.

Quote: ShoePie @ June 18 2009, 4:06 PM BST

They're having a conversation and then a bunch of cowboys on horses turn up. That's not odd to you?!

It just left me with an 'Okaaaay then' feeling rather than being amused. Plus builder/cowboy comparisons are pretty old. Not trying to be mean, other people likes it, just not for me.

View original

hey ShoePie. I respect your opinion but you have only confused me further.

The comparisons are pretty old? yes....but what has this to do with the sketch?

And of course it's odd, that's part of the punch...and there is ALOT of odd comedy (my favourite studd...Green Wing (Sue), Big Train etc). I'm really bewildered now.

[quote name="Craig H" post="430197" date="June 18 2009, 3:55 PM BST"]Cheers Pedro. It wouldn't really suit to be OTT, giving that you don't know he's a cowboy until the cowboys turn up on horses.

Don't you think the joke is more about the stupidity of the client? Rather than the reveal. Thats the great thing about here isn't it, everybody see's the same thing differently.

Quote: pedros @ June 18 2009, 4:41 PM BST

[quote name="Craig H" post="430197" date="June 18 2009, 3:55 PM BST"]Cheers Pedro. It wouldn't really suit to be OTT, giving that you don't know he's a cowboy until the cowboys turn up on horses.

Don't you think the joke is more about the stupidity of the client? Rather than the reveal. Thats the great thing about here isn't it, everybody see's the same thing differently.

View original

It's both, really.

Personally this conjures up a Far-Side type scenario to me whereby he's already a cowboy in his gear speaking to a couple as the husband goes against his wife's better judgment as she urges him not to make the deal. She could be saying stuff like 'I have a bad feeling about this'...there could also be a little dialogue going as he patronises his wife with things like 'Now, now dear, men talking', (or words to that effect), as he goes about thinking he knows best.
I dunno, that's just how I'd maybe do it

<reaches bottom of topic>

<light finally dawns>

AaaaH.... Cowboy Builders !!!

<thinx>

Much too obscure...

JIM:
(WAVING) See you in the morning!

Drop the last line... it is what obscures the meaning.

My home town, back in the 1980s, had a firm of Asian builders whose slogan was "You've tried the Cowboys, now try the Indians."

Does anyone else come from a town that has a company with a similar slogan?

I liked it, thought it was funny.

It might be better if it was slightly more subtle and there was a married couple in it as householders for reaction shots as in...

Jim: Should be exactly five there.

Clint: (Suddenly in an American accent) Why, thank you kindly.

CUT TO: Shot of cowboy boots and spurs

Clint puts on a Stetson hat , turns and walks away.

CUT TO: Close up of Jim, puzzled look.

Jim: Do you think we'll see that builder in the morning honey?

Jim's Wife: (Turning away in anger at Jim's gullibility) I think I'll saddle
up.
Ends

John Burns
Purple Comedy http://standupcomedy.podomatic.com/

Quote: John Burns @ June 19 2009, 8:57 AM BST

I liked it, thought it was funny.

It might be better if it was slightly more subtle and there was a married couple in it as householders for reaction shots as in...

Jim: Should be exactly five there.

Clint: (Suddenly in an American accent) Why, thank you kindly.

CUT TO: Shot of cowboy boots and spurs

Clint puts on a Stetson hat , turns and walks away.

CUT TO: Close up of Jim, puzzled look.

Jim: Do you think we'll see that builder in the morning honey?

Jim's Wife: (Turning away in anger at Jim's gullibility) I think I'll saddle
up.
Ends

John Burns
Purple Comedy http://standupcomedy.podomatic.com/

View original

Too complicated, instead of the original last line, you just need:

JIM's face drops as he sees his money ride away.