WATER weekly sketch comp (Now Voting)

Right - start of another competition which I've cut and pasted again. Even more chance of a mistake(s).

The latest comedy competition is on the theme "WATER" chosen by Jude.

Last weeks:

Anyway, lets get on with this weeks comp and this weeks winner.

This weeks winner in absentia (that means she's not here at the moment is the one and only Charley. She's already told me the chosen theme for next week.

Now on top of that of course was the Bonus competition organised by Leevil worth 50 points - and guess who won it? Apparently Leevil! No fix or anything there then!

And with the new points system you win 10 big shiny points!

Votes - Points - Name
05 - 10 - Charley
02 - 05 - Frankie
01 - 01 - Michael Moorhouse
01 - 01 - Kent Pete
01 - 01 - Gavin

This weeks topic again is: WATER

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: Wednesday 15th August

Good luck!

Overall Leader Board then is as follows:-

Points - Name
60 - Leevil (Oh - how did that happen then?)
25 - Charley Rance (still but not quite as much of a Bitch)
16 - Michael Monkhouse
15 - Jude
11 - David Chapman
10 - Swerytd
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
05 - Greggles
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
03 - Stylo
03 - Kent Pete
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
01 - Gavin
01 - EllieJP
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle

Spot any mistakes? PM someone else!

75% of the human poo is water. still, if im thirsty, i tend to have a coke

Water, as we all know, is vital for our survival. In terms of our own body mass, water accounts for a startling 60% in men. Whereas in women, the figure is slightly lower, as women carry a little extra fat with them and are more prone to dehydration!

This is bad news indeed for Jade Goody, who has to be drip fed by the hour, or she would melt into a gigantic pile of blubber. Leaving behind her only a pair of lips and the faint smell of an Indian takeaway.

In Scotland it takes approximatly 2 gallons of water to brush your teeth, 25 - 50 gallons to have a shower and just over a pint to glass a bouncer on a saturday night.

Scene 1

Ext. A hillside

An old and bearded man stands upon a hillside. He looks towards the camera.

Old Man: In the year 2085, the earth had been ravaged by global warming and there was little water left. Little water meant that mankind had started dying out. In their place, a new animal rose to the position of Earths Superior Being. THE CAMEL!!! These humped beasts soon took over the worlds water reserves. The few humans left were imprisoned by The Camel Federation. However, one man decided that he wanted one last taste of H2O and this is Danny Dangerfield's story.

Scene 2

Int. A dark metallic room on a military prison

A camel, wearing a military hat, stands by a shiny stand with a glass bottle of mineral water on top of it. The camels name is Corporal Slang. Slang gently licks the condensation off the outside of the bottle. The door at the front of the room suddenly whooshes open. In runs Danny Dangerfield.

Danny: (Excitedly) So the rumours were true! All those people who had their heads crushed in by camel toes did not die in vain! A bottle of precious water exists!

Slang looks at Danny, back at the mineral water and then back at Danny. He goes to say something and then realises that he can’t be bothered and goes back to licking his bottle.

Danny: I pray that deep inside you can see the suffering I have suffered. I just ask for some last sips of cold, pure water.

Danny starts moving towards Slang and the bottle of water. Slang turns round to face Danny full on. He lifts up a camel toe in a ‘you just wait a minute’ gesture.

Slang: Now you just hold on there, mister. I might need this water in a month or two. I haven’t drunk for the last 6 weeks and I almost felt a little parched earlier.

Danny looks distraught at this.

Danny: But, I shall be dead in 2 weeks. Please, please, just let me have one last taste.

Slang thinks for a second.

Slang: No, no. Definitely not. I can’t allow it. I’ve been planning to grow a dahlia for quite some time now and I think this water will come in very useful.

Danny pulls a laser gun from his pocket and aims it at Slang.

Danny: I’m armed, man! I mean - I’m armed, camel! I think you better start taking me seriously.

Slang: Tut tut! How can I take a man seriously with his flies open?

Danny: What?

Danny goes to check his flies and realises it’s a trap. He quickly looks back up.

Danny: Hey, don’t play the funny guy with me. Now, its time you moved aside.

Danny moves forward slightly

Slang: Hmmm. You seem pretty serious. I guess I better tell you something important first.

Danny: It’s not lemon flavoured water is it? I HATE lemon flavoured water!

Slang: I don’t know how to tell you this, Danny, but...I AM YOUR FATHER!

Dannys face changes to one of shock and then slowly into one of confusion.

Danny: But…you’re a camel. My mothers egg would have rejected your sperm. Unless...Unless you’re some sort of pantomime camel! Two men in a suit! Working undercover to bring down The Camel Federation! (clicks his fingers in agreement with himself) of course! I knew it!

Slang suddenly stands up on his hind legs and Danny’s jaw drops.

Slang: (wildly) I’m ALLLLLLLL camel, baby!

Danny peers closer.

Danny: Christ!

Slang: (Proudly) I don’t just retain fat in my humps, if you know what I mean

Danny: So you can’t be my father!

Slang: Ha Ha! It was all just a diversionary tactic. Look!

Danny turns round and sees two other camels at the door. They are both wearing laser gun headwear. One of them fires a shot at Danny and he is disintegrated. Slang laughs and then looks at the bottle and laughs some more.

Slang: It was lemon flavoured water after all!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!

With a swish of his tail, Slang knocks the bottle onto the floor where it smashes.

I'm having another go.. even though somebody has run off with my five points from last week!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

INT. PROFESSORS STUDY. STUDENT TUTORIAL.

STUDENT:
Good morning, Professor.. this exercise: "Marketing A Drink Called Water", I’d really like some help on this.. some people may be be worried about health risks..

PROFESSOR:
Good morning my dear, well.. there is some confusion about whether water is good for you. Moderation is advisable, but it’s reassuring to know that sensible daily consumption may have some benefits to health and it puts out fires..

STUDENT:
Yes, of course, but is swallowing safe?

PROFESSOR:
As a rule, moderate consumption of water of up to four to five cups per day is perfectly safe. At these levels, it doesn’t have any health risks, and as we can learn from expert research, it may have some benefits. No fish have been killed by water!

STUDENT:
But what if I’m pregnant?

PROFESSOR:
If you’re pregnant you shouldn’t drink any water with your gin.

STUDENT:
Is water dehydrating, should I drink plenty of fluids with it?

PROFESSOR:
No, in fact water in moderate amounts can contribute to your daily intake of fluids. Getting enough fluids is important. The British Dietary Association recommends a minimum of one and a half to two litres of fluid a day, that’s six to eight cups of for example, coke, milk, fruit juice, tea, coffee, my sperm ..or water..

STUDENT:
Is it addictive?

PROFESSOR:
In moderate amounts, there’s no evidence that water carries a serious risk of addiction but I wouldn’t overdo it.

STUDENT:
Thank you Professor Bollock, you’ve put my mind at rest!

PROFESSOR:
Next!

END

MONSTER HUNT

EXT. LOCH NESS - DAY

KIRSTY AND ELLA (EARLY 20s), SIT BY THE LOCH STARING AT THE WATER.

KIRSTY
I reckon this monster thing’s just a marketing ploy.

ELLA
No!

KIRSTY
Think about it. You stare at the water, see nothing, then feel compelled to buy a souvenir.

ELLA FLINGS OPEN HER JACKET. HER T-SHIRT READS “Where’s Nessie?”

KIRSTY
That, says it all!

ELLA
Come on, no one could make it up!

KIRSTY
Well, we haven’t seen anything.

ELLA
Not yet. Give it time.

TWO DAYS LATER.

KIRSTY
Satisfied?

ELLA
OK. But it was worth it.

KIRSTY ROLLS HER EYES.

THE TWO GIRLS GET UP AND BEGIN TO WALK AWAY.

ELLA
If you could prove it though, you’d make millions!

AS THE GIRLS WALK ON WITH THEIR BACKS TO THE LOCH, A LARGE EEL-LIKE CREATURE RISES FROM THE WATER, POSES, STICKS OUT ITS TONGUE AND THEN SLIPS BACK INTO THE WATER WITHOUT A RIPPLE.

ELLA
Same place next year?

KIRSTY
I’d rather watch paint dry.

ELLA
You know me Kirst, always up for a challenge! Do they do keyrings?

INT. KITCHEN. DAY.

GUY IS READING HIS PAPER AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE WHILST HIS 15 MONTH BABY IS GURGLING IN A HIGH CHAIR.

BABY
Water, water.

GUY
You’re always thirsty boy, at this rate you will turn into a well. I’ll just fill your beaker up.

GUY FILLS BEAKER UP AND GIVES IT TO BABY.

BABY
Water, water.

GUY
Yes, unfortunately you’re going to have to make do with that until you are 18.

GUY SQUEEZES BABY’S CHEEK. BABY SCREAMS AND SHAKES HIS DRINK EVERYWHERE.

BABY
Water, water.

GUY
Silly Daddy, I should have known...you want to play with your water pistol.

GUY FILLS A WATER PISTOL UP AND GIVES IT TO BABY.

BABY
Water, water.

BABY SQUIRTS GUY IN THE FACE.

GUY
(LAUGHS)
Hey, you little menace.

GUY TICKLES BABYS FEET BUT GETS KICKED IN THE HEAD. BABY CRYS.

GUY
Ouch, you seem very unsettled today.

GUY WIPES WATER OFF HIS FACE AND RUBS HIS HEAD INJURY.

GUY (CON’TD)
What else would you like?

BABY
Water, water.

GUY
(FACE LIGHTS UP)
I can be so stupid at times; you’re hungry and fancy nibbling on a water melon.

GUY GETS A MELON OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND CUTS IT IN HALF. HE BRINGS IT OVER TO THE BABY.

BABY
Water, broke.

GUY
That's right; I broke the water melon in half because you’re only small and can’t manage a whole one. I’ll see if Mummy wants the rest of it.

GUY WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM. HE SLIPS ON THE LAMINENT FLOORING WHICH APPEARS TO BE WET AND LANDS ON HIS BUM. A GIRL SCREAMS. GUY LOOKS OVER TO SEE HIS WIFE LYING ON THE FLOOR WITH HER KNEES IN THE AIR AND LEGS WIDE OPEN.

GUY
Melon?

GUY HOLDS MELON OUT TO HIS WIFE.

GIRL
Take me to hospital now you oaf, my waters have broken!

END

A living room.
A GUY picks up the phone.

GUY Hi I'd like to apply to commit suicide please… Yes by drowning.

Water falls all over him.

GUY Didn't work. How about being shot?

A little bloke fires a water-pistol at him.

GUY Still no good. Electrocution?

The little bloke puts his hand in a plug.

GUY Absolutely useless. (puts the phone down) Bloody life insurance, what a rip-off.

Conspiracy Man Part 3 : Water

Following theme of Conspiracy Man, Jeff, and his long suffering mate , Bill.

Scene One : Set in Pub. Jeff and Bill sit opposite each other. Bill, as usual , is half listening to Bill and half reading his paper as he has " heard it all before ".

Jeff : " You still drinking that tap water Bill ? "

Bill [sighs, he knows what's coming] : " Yes, I drink water Jeff, 2 litres a day, just like they recommend. "

Jeff : " You're so bloody naive mate. I read in the.. "

Bill [interrupting]: " Socialist Worker "

Jeff [continues] : " The Socialist Worker, that they are now putting chemicals into drinking water that make us more docile and thus less likely to question the unseen ruling classes. I tell you mate things will never get better in this world until people like you start opening their eyes to what's going on. Still if you want the blood of Darfur on your hands......"

Bill : " So what do you suggest,that I drink bottled water all the time ? "

Jeff [in horror] : " What, when most of that comes from the rich Protestant Scots! "

Scene Two : Set in a Hospital Ward. Jeff lays unconscious in bed. A drip is attached to his arm. An oxygen mask sits over his mouth. He is being examined by a doctor and a medical student.

Doctor : " OK , This is Jeffrey Clarke, he came into us with a severe case of dehyration last thursday "

Student : " And how is he being treated ? "

Doctor : " Well in this case the dehydration was so bad that we had to fly in special bags of saline from the States "

Camera pans back to Jeff who makes muted cries of disapproval from beneath his oxygen mask.

Water is getting scarcer. What happens when it all runs out? My advice, buy stocks in Orange Juice

WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE

INT. NIGHT. AN EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT. A COUPLE PERUSE THE MENU WHILE A WAITER HOVERS.

Woman:
God, it’s so expensive in here. The cheapest bottle of wine’s £20.

Man:
Oh, what’s that called?

Woman:
Thunderbird.

Waiter:
Would you like to order some drinks?

Man:
Half a lager for me (under his breath) God that’s 3 quid!

Woman:
Just a water for me..

Waiter:
We have the exclusive Peckham Springs..

Man:
You mean from that geezer in Peckham who’s flogging what’s bubbling up in his garden?

Waiter:
Er..or maybe Punani Clear

Woman:
Isn’t that from a mains pipe in Swindon?

Waiter:
Well, in that case, I think you might like Fair Dinkum Dream Time

Man:
What’s that?

Waiter:
It gives a fair deal to the aboriginals who bottle it..

Woman:
Good, how much is it?

Waiter:
£8.50 madam.. It pays for the aboriginals to get drunk on the street.

Man:
Just a tap water then, darling?

Woman:
Yeah..

Waiter:
Table Water is our budget water – it’s very clear.

Woman:
It’s £4 a bottle and it’s not muddy with tadpoles in it – a bargain!

Waiter:
I would not recommend the tap water.

Man:
Why not?

Waiter:
Rats.

Woman:
What?

Waiter:
I can sell you a glass of Eau de Pleut.

Man:
Isn’t that ‘rain water’ in French?

Waiter:
Mais oui.

Woman:
Then it should be free then.

Waiter:
Ah, I’m afraid the collection of rain water is administered by Conglugnia.

Man:
That greedy and monopolistic multinational? So how much for ‘Eau de Pleut’?

Waiter:
Just £2.50 a glass, sir. We get prosecuted if we collect rain ourselves.

Woman:
This is bloody ridiculous! Look, what’s your cheapest water-like drink?

Waiter:
We have bottled the sweat of the Polish people who work in the hotel above –that’s only sixpence a glass?

Man:
Gosh, so cheap it’s priced in pre-decimalised currency

Waiter:
So would madam like a glass of Exploitski?

Woman:
I’m spitting feathers now – I’d drink…I’d drink someone else’s water that I’d nicked off a passing waiter’s tray.

AS ANOTHER WAITER PASSES, SHE GRABS A BOTTLE OF MINERAL WATER AND DOWNS IN ONE, WATER DRIBBLING ALL OVER HER.

Waiter:
Just the lager for sir, then.

Man:
Yes, thanks.

Waiter:
Very good, sir.

HE DEPARTS AS THE WOMAN WIPES HER FACE AND CLOTHING.

CUT

Right - hello everyone.

Competition is now CLOSED !!!!!

Please vote for your favourite on here. Voting closes Monday evening 20 August.

By a clear margin, my vote goes to Fred Peters. Gold star *(Au), as can totally relate to the price of bottled water in restaurants. Ban plastic and keep using the ol’ tap water, just like wot they duz in parts of New York and San Francisco!

Rant over, well done Fred

For me it's between Fred and Kent Pete...

Fred's has a few more laughs in it so I'll give my vote to him on this occasion.

FRED PETERS!