Job Interview

NOTE: Yahweh is the name of the deity in Judaism and Christianity

INT: An office, with a man in a suit on one side of the desk.

In walks another man in a suit, the man already in the room stands up to greet him.

Boss: Hi Yahweh

Yahweh: Hi, Nice to meet you

Boss: Nice to meet you, have a seat

Yahweh: Thanks

(Both sit down on opposite sides of the desk)

Boss: (Looking down at papers) so…you've applied for the position of God

Yahweh: Yes, that's correct

Boss: (Looks puzzled) Bit hairy aren't you?

Yahweh: Well it's all the rage, Santa Claus.....Billy Connolly.....Susan Boyle

Boss: Susan Boyle doesn't exist yet

Yahweh: Oh yeah, that's right, this is 3000 B.C. isn't it, the dawn of time (winks)

Boss: You've been doing your research. Okay, well the hair is not important, what is important is that you have the right skills to fulfil this position. Most importantly benevolence. You must be all loving.

Yahweh: Yes, about that, I did take the course when I was doing my A-levels, but I never actually got the certificate, something to do with an irresponsible use of locusts, but to be honest I find it easy, I could be benevolent with my eyes shut. In fact more often that not I will be benevolent with my eyes shut.

Boss: Erm…okay, well lets move on. Omnipotency is obviously another important skill.

Yahweh: (interrupting) oh of course it is, I don't mean to show off in an interview but saying I'm not bad at omnipotency would be a bit of an understatement.

Boss: Okay that's good, because we need you to create a universe in a nano-second, can you manage that?

Yahweh: Aah…okay when you said omnipotent I thought you meant, like, powerful, but not ridiculously

Boss: Well what did you think omnipotence was?

Yahweh: Oh no I knew it meant all powerful, but I didn't realise you meant, like, actually all powerful. I mean I can do universes quickly, just not that quickly. 6 days is my personal best, well 7 if you include tea breaks.

Boss: Well we really need it up and running straight away, there are many other candidates.

Yahweh: You're asking a lot there, I doubt you'll find anyone who can do it quicker than a week. A week is good though, in this climate a week isn't bad, you could do a lot worse.

Boss: Well I suppose it isn't dreadful. Now finally, this is the most important aspect of the role.

Yahweh: (interrupting again) don't say, I know what it is. Making my face appear in people's toast. Don't you worry about that my friend, I can do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Boss: (Looking bewildered) erm…okay, I'm not quite sure that's what people will be expecting of their God.

Yahweh: Oh no, trust me, they will be, even the most vague face like burn will be ascribed to my influence don't you worry about that. I know how people tick

Boss: Do people tick?

Yahweh: If I say so

Boss: Well you did say so

Yahweh: Oh, well…erm…they don't

Boss: Good use of inconsistency there, just what we're looking for. Well obviously I need to see all of the other candidates, but I think I can say you're going to fit in here. (Stands up to show Yahweh out)

Yahweh: (standing up as well) Okie dokie, I'll look forward to hearing from you soon.

(Boss opens the door to see a waiting room full of people; Allah, Zeus, Thaw, Apollo etc)

Boss: (Turns to Yahweh) Oh I forgot to ask, would you be willing to take a job share?

END

A very good premis but a slightly muddled execution, IMHO.
Bits of it I love - the toast bit, inconsistancy,the whole 'seven days is good in the current climate'
Some of it rambled on a bit though.
Don't think you need to call him Yahweh - the fact that you had to explain it rules it out really.
Why not haver a bloke in classic 'God' gear - white robes, beard etc.
I think you should make sure that every word is working hard for you and this could be v. funny - Mitchell & Webb spring to mind

I rather liked this. Certainly there's room for improvement but the idea is sound. I agree with what Lazzard has to say. Trim some of the faff out and you've got yourself a neat little sketch there. Really nice punch. Looking forward to reading more, JimLad.

Good effort. Reminded me a little of Monty Python; no bad thing of course.

Thanks for the advice

I'll get onto a re-write

Echo Lazzard's comments. Lots of potential here.

New version, no new funny bits, just trimmed the fat off, about 25% of the words are gone (odd how you don't realise 1/4 of a sketch is unnecessary until somebody else points it out for you) Hopefully its a better execution of the idea. Thanks again

INT: An office, with a man in a suit on one side of the desk.

In walks another man, an interviewee, in a robe with long white hair and a long white beard, the man already in the room stands up to greet him.

Interviewee: Hi, Nice to meet you

Boss: Nice to meet you, have a seat

(Both sit down on opposite sides of the desk)

Boss: (Looking down at papers) so…you've applied for the position of God

Interviewee: Yes, that's correct

Boss: Okay, well I need to assess your skills for this position, chief of which being benevolence (looks up from papers), you must be all loving.

Interviewee: Yes, about that, I did take the course, but I never actually got the certificate, something to do with an irresponsible use of locusts, but to be honest I could be benevolent with my eyes shut. In fact more often that not I will be benevolent but with my eyes shut.

Boss: Erm…okay, well lets move on. Omnipotency is obviously another important skill. We would need you to be able to create a universe in a nano-second, could you manage that?

Interviewee: Aah…okay, that could be tricky, I mean I can do universes quickly, just not that quickly. 6 days is my personal best, well 7 if you include tea breaks.

Boss: Well we really need it up and running straight away, there are many other candidates.

Interviewee: You're asking a lot there, I doubt you'll find anyone who can do it quicker than a week. A week is good though, in this climate a week isn't bad, you could do a lot worse.

Boss: Well okay I suppose it isn't dreadful. Now finally, this is the most important aspect of the role.

Interviewee: (interrupting) don't say, I know what it is. Making my face appear in people's toast.

Boss: (Looking bewildered) erm…okay, I'm not quite sure that's what people will be expecting of their God.

Interviewee: Oh no, trust me, they will be, even the most vague face like burn will be ascribed to my influence don't you worry about that. I know how people tick

Boss: Do people tick?

Interviewee: If I say so

Boss: Well you did say so

Interviewee: Oh, well…erm…they don't

Boss: Good use of inconsistency there, just what we're looking for. Well obviously I need to see all of the other candidates, but I think I can say you're going to fit in here. (Stands up to show Yahweh out)

Interviewee: (standing up as well) I'll look forward to hearing from you soon.

(Boss opens the door to see a waiting room full of people; Allah, Zeus, Thaw, Apollo etc)

Boss: (Turns to interviewee) Oh I forgot to ask, would you be willing to take a job share?

END

It's a good idea and you have some great lines, but I think you're making the whole thing harder for your self than neccesary. God's a great straight man so it may be easier to do it with him interviewing a replacement or traininf Jesus.

The job share line is fantastic though.

Disagree with Sootyj. This has a fresh angle, it's well written and the punch is marvellous. God playing the funny man for a change is what makes this interesting.

I sort of disagree with Sootyj in as much as his idea is also good, but different - a companion sketch perhaps/running gag??

I do think you're missing a trick on the 7 days creation thing. The whole point about the nano second is it's a scientific theory so it might be good if the line was:-

Interviewer: "Well, I suppose it'll have to do - but we're going to have a lot of pissed off scientists on our hands."

OR (just thought of this,so might be shit)

Interviewer: " Well, I suppose it's not the end of the world.."

God: Now that I can do quick ( mimes an explosion) - piece of piss."

Oh I don't know! Pick the bones out of that lot!!

Thanks, all useful responses

that second idea Lazzard is hilarious