I don't know much about what this is exactly, but I do know it's pretty long, so no hard feelings for those who can't be bothered.
INT. BEDROOM – DAY
SCOTT SAUNDERS, A DISHEVELLED MAN IN HIS THIRTIES, TALKS INTO A WEBCAM IN HIS CRUMMY APARTMENT.
SCOTT:
(DEPERATE) Hi there, fans! I'm child star Scott Saunders and I'm here talking to you from CelebrityAuctions.com! You'll no doubt remember me from the 1978 Hollywood smash hit, Hit Baby, where I cleaned up the mean streets of Muncie, Indiana as "the pampered scamp you wouldn't want to…(GULPING IN SHAME) …toy with."
CUT TO PICTURE OF BABY TOTING A PAIR OF UZI MACHINE GUNS: TAGLINE: "GA GA THIS, YOU MOTHER!"
SCOTT (CONT):
You'll also recall my role as loveable Timmy Timpson in the fondly remembered, if confusing British TV series, My Two Mums!
CUT TO A PICTURE OF A YOUNG BOY SAT BETWEEN A COUPLE OF PERPLEXED LOOKING WOMEN.
SCOTT (CONT):
Or perhaps you're familiar with my one-shot turn as Toe-Rag Thompson in a very special episode of The Bill.
CUT TO A PICTURE OF A GAWKY THIRTEEN YEAR OLD SCOTT BEING BEATEN WITH TRUNCHEONS BY THE ENTIRE CREW OF SUNHILL.
WHEN WE RETURN TO SCOTT WE SENSE SADNESS BUT HE FORCES A SMILE AND PLOUGHS ON…
SCOTT (CONT):
I'm here today to tell you about an unmissable item of Scott Saunders memorabilia that goes on offer today!
SCOTT PRODUCES A SMALL WOODEN BOWL, GLUED INTO WHICH ARE AN ASSORTMENT OF HUMAN TEETH.
SCOTT (CONT):
Genuine Scott Saunders baby teeth on offer to you at the low, low starting price of £99.99! So come and visit CelebrityAuctions.com and place your bid today! (PITIFULLY) Please.
INT. LOUNGE – DAY
WE'RE BACK WITH SCOTT, ONLY NOW HE'S DECIDEDLY MORE CHIPPER. HE'S ALSO WELL GROOMED, WELL LIT, AND TALKING TO US VIA A FAR MORE PROFESSIONAL VIDEO SET UP.
SCOTT:
Welcome back, fans, and congratulations to DarthWeevil768 who won bid for the incredible price of £10,264! (REALLY SINCERELY) Thank you, DarthWeevil. Thank you so much. (CHIPPER AGAIN) Seeing as this has worked out so well, my agent (NODS O.S.) recommended I start a new auction - so if you've got a suggestion for a piece of Scott Saunders memorabilia you're dying to own - say a signed photo or a lock of hair – send them CelebrityAuctions.com and they'll go into the hat. The winning idea is up for the next exciting bid, guaranteed!
HE GIVES A DOUBLE THUMBS-UP.
INT. LOUNGE – DAY
BACK WITH SCOTT AGAIN. HE STILL LOOKS GOOD BUT IS WEARING SOME STRESS. WHEN HE OPENS HIS MOUTH TO SPEAK WE SEE HE'S MISSING TEETH.
SCOTT:
Hey, fans. A signed photo or a lock of hair - that's what I said. But, no, you wanted more teeth didn't you? Thanks, DarthWeevil. Thanks a lot. Now if anyone else has a suggestion for something they'd like to bid for, say a treasured childhood teddy or an item of underwear, please send your idea for the next auction. Got that? Okay.
HE GIVES A WEAK DOUBLE THUMBS-UP.
INT. LOUNGE – DAY
BACK WITH SCOTT, WHO IS MINUS AN ARM NOW.
SCOTT:
(PISSED OFF) What is your problem, DarthWeevil? (WAVES STUMP) Well, you know what, I'm the one who's laughing, because thanks to you I'm sitting on £276,000 now! Yeah, that's right! So keep sending your money; I just bought myself a brand new Bentley GTC with automatic transmission! (HEARING SOMETHING O.S.) It's a stick shift? Damn it! (LONG PAUSE) Okay, one last bid now, you know the rules – winner goes in the…
HE TRAILS OFF, EXHAUSTED AND GIVES A SINGLE THUMBS-UP.
INT. LOUNGE – DAY
SCOTT NOW HAS NO ARMS AND IS AN UTTER MESS. HE'S TALKING INTO A CRAPPY WEBCAM AGAIN.
SCOTT:
(INSANE) You couldn't help yourself, could you, DarthWeevil? You had to have it all, didn't you? You… you…(STARTS CRYING) I used to be a star! This is Scott Saunders saying "goodbye fans".
HE GOES TO GIVE THE THUMBS UP BUT DOESN'T HAVE THE APPENDAGES. FINALLY HE ATTEMPTS TO TURN OFF HIS COMPUTER WITH HIS NOSE BUT FIVE ATTEMPTS LATER STILL HASN'T SUCCEEDED. END ON SCOTT WEEPING PITIFULLY.
END SKETCH
