Darling

I went to see Teakshow last night which was v good. I'd recommend it.

http://www.teakshow.co.uk/index.htm

I've been trying to write for them for a while and after seeing them live I had another go.

Sooty I hope you read this one as I've taken inspiration from you in the last line.

(Apologies for the formatting on here as always!)

Start and end with music or at least end with sfx.

Femalearling?

Male:Yes Darling?

Female:Why do birds sing?

Male:Because they cannot contain their joy upon seeing your beauty.

She smiles wistfully
Female:Why do newborn babies cry?

Male: Because exquisite as they are they're already facing the
futility of ever attempting to match your beauty.

She smiles then looks puzzled
Femalearling why...

Malea bit tight faced) Surely you get the gist by now my juiciest
of sugar snap peas?

Female:I do, but will you still love me when my beauty fades?

Malenot paying attention) No.

Female: (shocked) What?

Male: (recovers) I mean not in the same way obviously. It will
become a more ethereal, untraditional kind of love. One that
transcends time and space. I may not be around physically
but...

Female:What do you mean!?

Male: ...you'll always be in my heart. (smiles) Which is far more
important that any kind of physical (pulls face) distasteful
expression of it surely?

Femaleo you don't want us to 'you know' (mimes something saucy) anymore?

Male: God yes, why else...? I mean for now it's a wonderfully
joyous thing, but when your looks fade it would be (shudders)
an insult to the memory of all you stood for. (gazes into
the distance as though she's already dead) Love, life,
feelings are all so fleeting my vacuous little tea cup. I must
move on for both our sakes.

Female: But surely our relationship is not just based on the
randomness of my (shakes her hair) beauty? What else do you
love about me?

Malemutters) Not your endless questions that's for sure.

Femaleardon?

Male:Have you ever tried Google?

Female:What-all?

Male: Google has the answers to all of your questions my fluffy
young chipmunk, and will leave us more time for that physical
expression malarkey before it's too late.

Femalek But will it tell me why you're such a cu... (drowned out by
music/ sfx) ?

The end

That's great love the dialogue it's funny and has a cool hyper real feel.
But the punchline doesn't seem to work all that well.

I'd say if it reveals the situation as being completely weird it could work better; maybe she's a parrot or a mirror or he has her locked up in his cellar?

Pretty good, Jane, but I think you need to find a different punchline which closes the sketch better.

Quote: sootyj @ May 29 2009, 9:54 AM BST

maybe she's a parrot or a mirror or he has her locked up in his cellar?

View original

It's a stage show, soots!

With good dialogue you can get away with most things!

e.g.
One question darling when are you going to let me out of this cellar?

Shakespeare did whole battles with 5 blokes and a couple of wooden swords.

I liked this sketch.
You're quite the wistful wordsmith, my dear.

But, like Sooty said, it could do with a stronger punch, a good twist.

Or.... it would be better if she actually said the C word without the music drowning it out, as a shocker.

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ May 29 2009, 1:40 PM BST

You're quite the wistful wordsmith, my dear.

View original

Thanks for reading and for those notes - I'll rethink the ending.

SootyJ, given the nature of your job, the journeys your mind takes you on really do worry me at times.

Mikey that's great can I use that line on my (non existant) publicity?

I still can't bring myself to properly say that word! Will try harder.

Jx

heh, I just thought that the C word ending would get big shock laughs, cosidering they look like a risque act.

Agreed and agreed with the guys above, Jane.

Great dialogue, brilliant characters but deserved a better punch. I still loved it.

Yes, a nice piece of 'loving' dialogue leading us right up the garden path! It's a shame that you shied away from that wonderful, much-used word in the English language, i.e., 'c**t'. You should embrace it. My darling wife tells me I've been one all my life.

Apart from that, I think that you should change:

MALE: Have you ever tried Google?

FEMALE: What-all?

TO:

MALE: Google it.

FEMALE: What'll it?

One of my favourite words, but I know a lot of producers, etc hate sketches that end on an unexpected bit of swearing. Maybe there's another punchline there somewhere?

How about:

''Ok, but will it tell me how to frigg myself into oblivion when YOU are too old, and have erectile dysfunction?''

NO? Well you used the C you next tuesday

Thanks Morrace and Dolly - I think I heard the word too much last night so it was rattling around in my head! Not said by them but the comic who was on after (and was v good also). I probably wouldn't submit it elsewhere in the same way but this was a possible idea for a series of three sketches about the couple.

It's definitely the last line everyone has an issue with - maybe I should get the audience to vote on it. ;-)

Scotti thanks - Google really does have the answer to everything doesn't it? See you ... in a few hours.

Jx