SOUND: phone ringing
RECEIVER
Hello.
DIALER
Hello, would you like to receive some happiness?
RECEIVER
What?
DIALER
We also offer a removal of sadness and general condolences, if you would prefer that?
RECEIVER
Hmm, yeah, sure. Outta curiousity, how much are you charging for "happiness"?
DIALER
No price, nothing at all, it's free!
RECEIVER
What kinda scam is that? Who on earth are you?
DIALER
Oh, we're the Samaratans. It's been a bit of a quiet day, so I thought I'd call a few people to see if they needed help.
RECEIVER
Jesus man(!), what if someone actually needs help?
DIALER
Oh they won't, ever since they stopped the telly adverts for us, we've been getting no calls. The only good thing about this was cheering people up, now it's just a room of people who've spent the last few years spending their free time listening to people threatening to killing themselves and transferring their burdens onto us.
SOUND: fades out and fades back in to signal passage of time
DIALER
Thanks a million for listening to me, really cheered me up.
RECEIVER
No problem, just promise that you won't think of killing yourself again.
DIALER
I won't, thank you!
