Hi,
I haven't posted for months in Critique, so I figured I'd show my face with a sketch I write a while back.
This is written for radio.
************** EDIT *********************
Following excellent feedback on this thread, this sketch has been rewritten.
The first version is the original, the second is the modified version. 
ANGER MANAGEMENT (original)
F/X
HOP DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.
CUSTOMER:
Hello. I wonder if you can help me.
SHOPKEEPER:
(SHOUTING) No, I can't, you daft apeth!
CUSTOMER:
(APPALLED) I beg your pardon.
SHOPKEEPER:
I'm sure you've already guessed this, but I've just this minute returned from completing an Anger Management course. Thirteen weeks of highly intensive training.
CUSTOMER:
What? Obviously it wasn't very good. You shouted at me as soon as I entered this shop.
SHOPKEEPER:
Ah, I see what you're getting at, sir, but let me explain. This course was different. Other courses force you to avoid anger, but that's a mistake. I mean, all that pent-up aggression with nowhere to go. Can't be good for you, can it? That's why this particular course taught me to accurately hone my anger. Channel it. Steer it in the right direction.
CUSTOMER:
But channelling your anger at me was completely in the wrong direction.
SHOPKEEPER:
Ah, but it wasn't, was it? You see, normally, I'd have served you quietly and you'd have been on your way. But afterwards, I'd have regretted avoiding a confrontation, kicking myself for not saying exactly what I wanted to say to you. Whereas this way, it's all been said and done. Water under the bridge. No pent-up aggression.
CUSTOMER:
But why insult me in the first place?
SHOPKEEPER:
Well, I can read faces, you see. I knew for a fact that you wanted to buy a new shirt for a wedding.
CUSTOMER:
Well, yes, I did, but was calling me a daft apeth really necessary?
SHOPKEEPER:
Yes, sir. This is a grocery store.
F/XHOP DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.
SHOPKEEPER:
Uh, oh. Here comes another one. (THEN SHOUTING) Stop stealing my stuff, you thieving cretin!
F/X
NE GUN SHOT, AN UGH, THEN A DULL THUD.
CUSTOMER:
Oh, my God! You shot him with a gun!
SHOPKEEPER:
Well, of course I did. What else was I supposed to shoot him with?
CUSTOMER:
But...
SHOPKEEPER:
No buts, mate. It was channelled anger, steered in the right direction, pure and simple. Just like the course taught me.
CUSTOMER:
But did you really have to shoot him?
SHOPKEEPER:
Yes. He was a shoplifter.
CUSTOMER:
No, he wasn't! All he did was pick up a tin of beans!
SHOPKEEPER:
Which he was just about to put in his pocket.
CUSTOMER:
What?
SHOPKEEPER:
I know his sort, mate. Next thing you know, he would have scarpered out the door.
CUSTOMER:
He was walking towards the counter!
SHOPKEEPER:
See, that's even worse. He was just about to rob the till.
CUSTOMER:
(SIGHS) Oh, I give up. Have it your own way.
SHOPKEEPER:
Glad you've finally came round to my way of thinking, sir. So. Is there anything else I can help you with?
CUSTOMER:
(SHOUTING) No, because you don't sell shirts, you dumb twit!
SHOPKEEPER:
(PLEASANTLY SURPRISED) Oh, did you do the same course as me?
CUSTOMER:
(FRIENDLY) Yes, I did actually.
END
and then...
ANGER MANAGEMENT (rewritten version)
F/XHOP DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.
CUSTOMER:
Hello. I wonder if you can help me.
SHOPKEEPER:
(SHOUTING) No, I can't, you daft apeth!
CUSTOMER:
(APPALLED) I beg your pardon.
SHOPKEEPER:
Ah, let me explain. I've just this minute returned from completing an Anger Management course. Thirteen weeks of highly intensive training.
CUSTOMER:
What? Obviously it wasn't very good. You shouted at me as soon as I entered this shop.
SHOPKEEPER:
Ah, I see what you're getting at, sir, but let me explain. This course was different. Other courses force you to avoid anger, but that's a mistake. I mean, all that pent-up aggression with nowhere to go. Can't be good for you, can it? That's why this particular course taught me to accurately hone my anger. Channel it. Steer it in the right direction.
CUSTOMER:
But channelling your anger at me was completely in the wrong direction.
SHOPKEEPER:
Ah, but it wasn't, was it? You see, normally, I'd have served you quietly and you'd have been on your way. But afterwards, I'd have regretted avoiding a confrontation, kicking myself for not saying exactly what I wanted to say to you. Whereas this way, it's all been said and done. Water under the bridge. No pent-up aggression.
CUSTOMER:
But why insult me in the first place?
SHOPKEEPER:
Because, like I said, you're a daft apeth.
CUSTOMER:
What do you mean?
F/XHOP DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.
SHOPKEEPER:
Uh, oh. Here comes another one. (THEN SHOUTING) Stop stealing my stuff, you thieving cretin!
F/XNE GUN SHOT, AN UGH, THEN A DULL THUD.
CUSTOMER:
Oh, my God! You shot him!
SHOPKEEPER:
Well, of course I did. What else was I supposed to do?
CUSTOMER:
But...
SHOPKEEPER:
No buts, mate. It was channelled anger, steered in the right direction, pure and simple. Just like the course taught me.
CUSTOMER:
But did you really have to shoot him?
SHOPKEEPER:
Yes. He was a shoplifter.
CUSTOMER:
No, he wasn't! All he did was pick up a tin of beans!
SHOPKEEPER:
Which he was just about to put in his pocket.
CUSTOMER:
What?
SHOPKEEPER:
I know his sort, mate. Next thing you know, he would have scarpered out the door.
CUSTOMER:
He was walking towards the counter!
SHOPKEEPER:
See, that's even worse. He was just about to rob the till.
CUSTOMER:
(SIGHS) Oh, I give up. Have it your own way. But was insulting me really necessary?
SHOPKEEPER:
Yes. I can read faces, you see. I knew for a fact that you wanted to buy a new shirt for a wedding.
CUSTOMER:
Well, yes, I did, but why call me a daft apeth ?
SHOPKEEPER:
This is a grocery store.
END
liked the way you closed this out. It's got a dark 'two ronnies' vibe.