Sitcom / Sketch thingie

I'm not really sure what this is the start of - maybe a sitcom? The idea came to me so I thought I would write it up.

Jim and Jobber are sat down having their packed lunches.

Jobber: I bloody hate this job sometimes Jim.

Jim takes a massive bite of his doorstep sandwich and talks with his mouthful.

Jim: Really? What's to hate? The customers don't give us any aggro, we don't to do any shift work and let's face the job is pretty secure.

Jobber: I know, but it's not what I had in mind as a career when I left school.

Jim: No one ever does, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

A big blog of mayo falls out of Jim's sandwich and falls onto the table he wipes it up with his finger and licks it off.

Jobber: Your f**king disgusting to watch eat you know.

Jim: Yeah? You're no oil painting yourself Jobber!

Jobber: I bet Christine doesn't eat like you.

Jim: That's something you're never going to find out my son! She's well out of your league.

Jobber: I don't know! I think the flowers are starting to work.

Jim: Come off it! She ain't thick. She knows where they come from mate.

Jim puts his feet up on the table and picks up his copy of the Sun.

Jobber: It's always frezzing in here.

Jim: Hardly. The heatings going on in a minute anyway.

Jobber: I always thought I'd be an executive somewhere, a banker or something.

Jim: You're almost right.

Jobber: What the f**k is that supposed to mean?

Jim: Chill out mate, just messing. Look! The wages are good aren't they? We aren't rushed off our feet are we?

Jobber: True.

Jim: And theres an occasional little bonus in our wage packet.

Jim pulls out a gold ring.

Jobber: F**king hell Jim. If they ever found out you'd be sacked.

Jim: No! You got to know the ones to pick son, the ones with bugger all family. They never ask about things like this.

Jobber: It's bloody sick Jim, that's what it is.

Jim. Wrong again Jobber. It's fifty quid cash down fat Barry's, that what it is.

Jim looks at the clock.

Jim Come on lets get this one sorted. We got another one in at two. Get the heating on!

They both stand up and pick up their sandwich boxes. The camera goes back to show that they have been using a coffin as a table. Jobber flicks on the cremation incinerator and they both shove the coffin inside and slam the door.

Enjoyed this, nice read.

More?

Cheers Random.

There's no more yet. But I'm sure there will be!

Currently it's a sketch, 'cos it relies on the reveal at the end.
If it was a sitcom it would be 'Six-foot Under'
I thought the flowrs gag was best and - in retrospect - the mayo on the coffin is pleasantly gross.

Also thought of this setup for a sitcom. Looking forward to reading more

Quote: Lazzard @ May 26 2009, 6:35 PM BST

Currently it's a sketch, 'cos it relies on the reveal at the end.
If it was a sitcom it would be 'Six-foot Under'
I thought the flowrs gag was best and - in retrospect - the mayo on the coffin is pleasantly gross.

View original

Cheers for the comments Lazzard.

I'm not familiar with six foot under. But I was guessing that the set up had been used before. Was that at an undertakers or a crem?

Scene two

Brian : Jobber!

Brian wanders into the incinerator area of the crematorium.

Brian : Jobber?

Jobber is stood over a coffin with a screwdriver in his hand, he tries to hide it behind his back.

Jobber: Yes Mr Jones? Can I help?

Brian: What the hell are you up to Jobber?

Jobber: I was just.....um.....um...

Jim appears chopping on an apple.

Jim : He was helping me put that Health and Safety poster back up Brian. It's bloody fallen down again. And I know how keen you are on health and safety.

Jim looks around in case anyone else is listening and lowers his voice

Jim : We don't need another investigation do we?

Brian: Well quite! Good job then chaps!

Brian stands there staring with a gormless look on his face.

Jim: Brian?

Brian: Jim?

Jim: What did you want Brian?

Brian: Oh God yes, sorry it's the sight of coffins. I always think of Aunt Maude you know, terrible mix up.

Jobber: What happened Mr Jones?

Jim shakes his head and glares at Jobber.

Brian: Poor woman, bundled into the back of that hearse.

Jobber: That's normal practice isn't it?

Brian: Not when you've only popped into the undertakers in to choose a coffin for your Mother in Law it's not.

Jobber: That's terrible.

Brian: She always did have a weak heart. But of course it was Halloween. Some drunken students broke into the chapel of rest for a laugh, and they heard her banging on the lid and the one dressed as the devil decided to open it up to see what was making the noise. Old Aunt Maude thought she was in hell!

Jim: Anyway Brian, enough of this jollity, did you want us for something?

Brian: Oh yes! Jobber can you pop through in ten minutes and help Christine, we've got a new selection of executive urn's arriving.

Jobber: Sure thing Mr Jones.

Brian turns to Jim.

Brian: And Jim, How many times have I told you about eating in here. It's really unhygienic.

Jim: Oh I wasn't in here actually, I was in the bog.

Brian: That's all right then – Health and Safety boys!

Brian leaves.

Jobber: Why does he manage a crematorium if he can't handle the sight of coffins?

Jim: Because he's a bloody nutcase. Anyway me old mucker! What were you up with that screwdriver then?

Jobber: Umm.....well, it's me Ma, she 's a bit short you see and I just thought.

Jim: Yeah, well don't!

Jobber: But you said.

Jim: Ask first! Listen Jobber, you got to know the ropes mate. Work the system a bit. This one he's come in from Grimstone's hasn't he?

Jobber: I think so yes.

Jim: Well old man Grimstone is a biggest crook in the undertaking world. The poor bastard in this box will be as naked as the day he was born.

Jobber: Jesus Christ, how can anyone get turned on by dead bodies?

Jim: No you tosser – he's naked because Grimstone has stripped the deceased of all valuables, anything that would be worth any a penny. If he can sell it, he'll have it - including his clothes.

Jobber: Bloody hell, I feel ill.... I mean fancy wearing a dead man's clothing.

Jim smiles and straightens his tie.

Jim: Nothing to it Jobber.

Jobber: F**king Hell Jim, that's obscene.

Jim: Wrong again Jobber! It's cheap! These shoes, a fiver! Grimstone knows to keep me sweet!

Jobber goes green and looks like he is going to be sick. He runs to the loo.

Jim: Careful where you spray that, I've got a packet of custard creams opened in there!

Again, enjoyed, I would keep with this mate

Some may say the below should be cut, simply 'cos it doesn't drive the plot, its banter and so on:

Brian: Oh God yes, sorry it's the sight of coffins. I always think of Aunt Maude you know, terrible mix up.

Jobber: What happened Mr Jones?

Jim shakes his head and glares at Jobber.

Brian: Poor woman, bundled into the back of that hearse.

Jobber: That's normal practice isn't it?

Brian: Not when you've only popped into the undertakers in to choose a coffin for your Mother in Law it's not.

Jobber: That's terrible.

Brian: She always did have a weak heart. But of course it was Halloween. Some drunken students broke into the chapel of rest for a laugh, and they heard her banging on the lid and the one dressed as the devil decided to open it up to see what was making the noise. Old Aunt Maude thought she was in hell!

Ignore.

Go with your gut feeling

Thanks for the comments Random. I'm not that sure where it is going but I'll stick with it.

Hi guys, I don't normally bump but just wondered if anyone else had any thoughts on this.