Supermarket sitcom

Hey guys, the start of a supermarket sitcom I'm working on. Let me know if the dialogue flows or not.

Cheers
-------------------------------------

Int - Supermarket.
We see him through a monitor, stacking shelves. The time/date stamps on the screen resembling hi-score and energy meters (only subtly, like).

He drops a few packets of flour, they burst on the floor, covering the bottom of his legs in white and making a mess.

DAN: Balls..

MATE (approaching): Lack of sleep knackers your hand to eye coordination, you know.

DAN: I'm fine. They just slipped. Bloody hell. How do you even clean up flour off the floor?

MATE: Pouring white wine on it neutralises it - oh, wait, that is a red wine stain.

DAN: Good one.

MATE: Just go to customer services and send out a bing bong (for info: tannoy message) for the cleaner.

DAN: What, and walk past Stacey with crap all over my legs? No way.

MATE: She won't care what your pants look like, because: a) she'll be too busy working, and b) she doesn't know, nor care, who the hell you are.

DAN: 'Nor'? Your pretentious linguistic skills are wasted stacking Pedigree Chum.

MATE: I'm not the one that looks like a yeti's just came all over my shins. Just go and put a message out. I'd do it for you, but I'm busy on confectionery.

(He pulls a Snickers out of his pocket and takes a bite, winking to Dan, walking off)

DAN: T*sser.

Dan slinks through the aisles, trying to avoid getting spotted by Stacey. He checks the customer service desk from a distance, she's not there. He looks round, scared.. she could be anywhere.. an old woman comes up to dan with a can of tuna.

WOMAN: Does this contain peanuts?

DAN: Excuse me?

WOMAN: Does it contain peanuts?

DAN: It's a can of Tuna, isn't it?

WOMAN: Don't take a tone with me.

DAN: I'm not. It's just....well....why should it contain nuts?

WOMAN: I'm allegeric to nuts, and often many products I purchase say 'may contain traces of nuts'

Dan sees Stacey walking back through the middle of the shop after her break. Dan starts looking restless.

DAN: You carry on your shopping and I'll find out if it has nuts and come find you.

WOMAN: I've finished my shop.

Stacey gets closer.

DAN: Look, if nuts aren't mentioned anywhere on the can we can safely assume no nuts are going to be involved. Not inside the can, not outside the can. I'll give you my word. I'm 100% positive.

WOMAN: Hmph. You'll excuse me if I can't fully depend on "your word".

Stacey appears at the top of his aisle, behind the woman.

DAN (dashes away): Just don't bloody eat it then!

WOMAN: Well ( ! ) (trailing off) maybe I'll get my tuna at Tesco from now on.

He runs past his mate, who's sat down in the confectionary aisle on a foot stool, now eating a curly wurly.

MATE: Homo!

Dan's within reach of the tannoy - about to grab it, his supervisor appearing from out of nowhere, stopping him in his tracks.

BOSS: Is there a good reason you're creating a safety hazard by running in my store?

DAN: A safety hazard down isle 13?

BOSS: What's happened?

DAN: I burst flour all over the floor, and need to tannoy the cleaner.

BOSS: Fine. Ring it in. Who's is waiting by the spillage?

DAN:......erm.....

BOSS: Someone could slip on it and sue the company!

DAN : It's flour! If anything, it'll give them a better grip.

Dan goes to lift the mouth piece up and it slips out of his hand, he reacts quickly trying to remain cool.

BOSS: Are you getting enough sleep?

DAN: Clean up on aisle 13, please, clean up on ais -

Stacey appears.

STACEY: Mark! Mark, an old woman's just slipped in some flour in the baking aisle. She's really hurt her hip .

Boss looks to Dan.

BOSS : We'll talk about this later, Daniel.

He walks off towards the aisle. Stacey stays and looks puzzled and unimpressed at Dan's trousers. Then turns back round dismissively and follows Mark to the old woman.

DAN: Clumsy tuna b*tch.

END SCENE

SCENE 2
INT - MANAGERS OFFICE

BOSS: ....to which you replied: 'just don't *expletive* eat it then'.

DAN: I felt that the spillage was a more pressing concern then the contents of a can of tuna.

BOSS: So you decided to swear at a customer instead?

DAN: 'expletive' is a vague term. All I actually said was 'bloody', and I kind of said it in a jovial tone, so I don't why she -

BOSS: (INTERRUPTING) Consider this strike 2. If your father wasn't who he is, you would have been long gone through that door.

Hi
Can't believe no one has offered feedback.

Yeah, I found the dialogue flowed pretty well.
Bit of a cliche about not wanting to look a fool in front of the bit of skirt he fancies who doesn't really know who (or care) he is, but it seemed to work well.

Especially liked the tuna contains nuts debarcle.

But I do believe you'll have stiff competition as I bet there are 100s of scripts being sent to writersroom as we speak written about supermarkets.... mostly written by supermarket workers themselves.

Hey Mikey,

Thanks for the reply. I actually worked at a supermarket for 5 years! I ate many a mars bar and drank many a red bull down those aisles. Ha.

Yeah, supermarket sitcoms probably fly onto prod's desks in their hundreds, but we (the person I'm writing this with) have an overall concept which goes beyond this setting, which will hopefully make it more original.

Cheers again for reading it. I appreciate it.

Fil

Yeah, I too working in one many moons ago.

Yeah, if you have a different take on it, then you'll stand out.

Flaner I liked it too, it did flow very well - was quite funny too I like the tuna bit with the old woman worked well.

But could do with more being posted up I can't really tell from one page.

Hey Flanner I thought it was well written and funny. I could really picture what was happening and I actually felt annoyed by the old tuna lady, which is a good thing I think!

Cheers guys! I had to deal with women like that on a daily basis. Supermarkets are a goldmine for comedy. Has there ever been a really popular one based at a supermarket? There must be, as it's a situation we can all relate to.

It always hard to judge from one page but it did flow quite well. I will echo what people before me have said about the tuna and the old lady, very funny indeed.

Good luck!

Yes, strange things happen in supermarkets - I should know as I once had to wipe ice cream off a window in Sainsbury's. I also had the pain of hearing Katie Price and Peter Andre's dreadful interpretation of 'A whole new world' on the CD aisle as I swept the floor with a pair of six foot foam scissors.

Quote: Tuumble @ May 26 2009, 3:50 PM BST

I also had the pain of hearing Katie Price and Peter Andre's dreadful interpretation of 'A whole new world' on the CD aisle as I swept the floor with a pair of six foot foam scissors.

View original

No one should have to go through this, my heart goes out to you.

Peanut allergies and diabetics, the bane of my life!

I don't think the monitor thing really makes sense, I'd have to see it though.

Quote: sardines @ May 26 2009, 3:58 PM BST

Peanut allergies and diabetics, the bane of my life!

I don't think the monitor thing really makes sense, I'd have to see it though.

View original

Yeah, the monitor thing relates to something later on in the script.

And yes, I officially hate old women. They always asked a question just to get you talking... and keep you talking.

I enjoyed that. Nuts in tuna - excellent and just the sort of thing my mother in law would ask!

Are you putting any more up?

Thanks Bigfella. Yeah, we shall be putting more up over time as we get it written! At the moment me and my writing partner are writing 3 or 4 lines in an email, sending it to the other one, he writes 4 lines, sends it back to the other one (helps to pass the time at work!). That way we can edit each others lines as we go. I never understood how people could write a script together, but this system is suiting us so far.

It's flour! If anything it'll give them a better grip"