Just in search of a few opinions....

Hi. This is part of a scene from my sitcom. I've just finished the the pilot, and before I continue, I was wondering if anyone could spare a few secs to give their views. Thanks very much!

Dennis, along with his daughter Suzie and new son-in-law Mark run a back street laundry service. ..

DENNIS:
Why are you letting that daughter of mine push you about?

MARK:
Oh no, it’s not like that at all.

DENNIS:
Think it is.

MARK:
No no, Suzie and I are equal. Every decision we make is always a joint one, taking both person’s point of view into account. No, it’s a very democratic relationship Dennis. It’s the modern way.

DENNIS:
Mmm. So how come your honeymoon ended up in Portugal? I thought you had your heart set on Italy.

MARK:
Well, Suzie has wanted to go for years.

DENNIS:
Mmm. And I suppose your cigars are no more either.

MARK:
Well.... well… Suzie hates them. So I thought it only fair.

DENNIS:
(SIGHS) Here you go son. (OFFERS HIM A CIGAR) Have a bang on that.

MARK:
Erm….

DENNIS:
Go on.

MARK LOOKS FURTIVELY AROUND, THEN TAKES IT.

Get it down yer.

MARK:
(TAKING A BIG DRAG) Ohh! That’s really …. Ohh. Sweet nectar. (LOOKS AT THE CIGAR) Same brand as mine.

DENNIS:
So they should be. They’re yours. (PAUSE) Look son. You’re under the thumb. Admit it. There’s not a single aspect of your life where she isn’t the gaffer. Jesus Christ, you haven’t tied the knot five minutes and she’s telling you which hand to wipe your shitter with. Well listen, if you don’t nip it in the bud now, it’ll be fixed in stone. You won’t be able to pick your nose out without her wanting to examine it afterwards. And that’s just your nose. You take it to its natural conclusion. Go on.

MARK:
What? You mean……

DENNIS:
Exactly. Sex. She’ll be wanting you to have sex.

MARK:
What?

DENNIS:
Oh I know. The very thought of it. But don’t give in. Hold fast.

MARK:
But sex. I mean, that’s not too bad, is it? Having sex?

DENNIS:
Having sex, no. Being made to have sex though. Obliged to have sex. Coerced. Persuaded. Threatened. Bet she’s on top already, ay? Ay? (SHAKES HEAD) Give it a year, you are going to be on the ground floor, permanently, and you’ll be getting used to that view of your ceiling.

MARK:
Eh?

DENNIS:
Look, it’ll start with (ANGRILY) bloody rose petals in the bed. Know what it’s like to have rose petals stuck in the crack of your arse? Not pleasant. Then you’ll get the lot.

(COUNTS ON FINGERS) Floral duvets with matching wallpaper and curtains, Chris De Burgh CD compilations, exotically-patterned cushions on top of the duvet, which you then have to shift before you can have a kip, and then …then … well, use your imagination.

MARK:
What? Tell me!

DENNIS:
(DEEP BREATH) Aromatherapy.

MARK:
Oh no.....

DENNIS:
Yes. And all that that implies. Fail to make a stand now, and she’ll have you drenched from head to toe in tea tree oil before you can say “let go of me bollocks”.

MARK:
I’m allergic to tea tree oil!

DENNIS:
Exactly. Under the thumb. Your views will be about as important as this chocolate finger.

V.O. A HIGH PITCHED VOICE
No, please don’t eat me! I’m alive! I want to live! Please! Please!

HE BITES THE FINGER IN HALF. MARK LOOKS DEJECTEDLY AT THE REMAINING HALF.

DENNIS:
I rest my case.

END

Hello Phil - and welcome. Writing from experience?

Quite an interesting start. Where will it go? Have you got lots of ideas?

Thanks very much for the reply. It's taken from Scene 3 to be honest. I know it can be a bit of chore scolling through pages and pages of script (should I be pitying script editors at this point??), so I posted a snippet.
No, not writing from experience as such, although I did used to work for a Dennis-type many moons ago! In terms of ideas, well yes, I've got enough to make a total of twenty episodes.
Oh well. Here's the first scene anyway, in case anyone's at all interested. I did warn you...

SCENE 1.EXT. SHOP FRONT (DAY 1. 10.00)

MARK AND SUZIE ARE STANDING AT THE FRONT DOOR, SURROUNDED BY LUGGAGE.
THE WORD “CLOSED” IS WRITTEN ON A PIECE OF CLOTH INSIDE THE WINDOW OF THE DOOR.
MARK IS IN HIS LATE TWENTIES, AS WET AS WHITBY, AND IS KNOCKING REPEATEDLY ON THE DOOR.
SUZIE IS ROUGHLY THE SAME AGE. HER LOOKS AND BUILD SUGGEST THE WORLD OF FEMALE SUMO WRESTLING IS BUT A STEP AWAY. SHE STANDS, HANDS ON HIPS.

SUZIE:
Knock harder. Take the door off if you have to.

MARK:
He must be out.

SUZIE:
He said he’d stay in especially. What a welcome home this is. Bastard!

MARK:
(CUPS HANDS AND SHOUTS THROUGH THE DOOR) Dennis! Helloooo! It’s your new son-in-law.

SUZIE:
Don’t say that! Shift.

ELBOWS MARK OUT OF THE WAY

You’ve probably just killed him. DAAAAAAAADDDDDDD!

SILENCE

Smash a window.

MARK:
What?

SUZIE:
Hurry up. I’m gagging for a brew.

MARK:
You really want me to smash…

SUZIE:
SMASH IT!

MARK RELUCTANTLY ELBOWS THROUGH ONE OF THE SMALL WINDOWS IN THE DOOR AND REACHES INSIDE TO OPEN UP.SUZIE IMPATIENTLY PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN, STILL WITH MARK’S HAND IN THE HOLE.

MARK:
Ow!

SUZIE:
Oh, don’t be such a baby. Dad. Dad! We’re back.

THEY ENTER.

INT. LAUNDRY.THIS IS FULL TO BURSTING WITH DIRTY WASHING.

SUZIE:
Oh, my, God. He hasn’t done a thing.

MARK HANDS HER THE CLOTH WITH “CLOSED” WRITTEN ON IT. SHE UNFOLDS IT TO REVEAL AN EXTREMELY SOILED PAIR OF UNDERPANTS

SUZIE:
Ewww! (SHE THROWS THEM AWAY IN HORROR)

MARK:
Suzie, over here.

SEVERAL GROW BAGS ARE ON THE FLOOR, CONTAINING NUMEROUS DEJECTED-LOOKING CANNABIS PLANTS.

SUZIE:
Oh NO! That ..... (GETTING UPSET) now that was the very finest gange. Weeks of tender loving care, ruined.(SHE STROKES THE PLANTS) What’s the nasty man done to you?

MARK:
Are you still going to tell him what we decided?

SUZIE:
I was going to wait a couple of days before I broke the news, but no chance now.
(FAINT MUSIC CAN BE HEARD FROM UPSTAIRS)Right.

SHE STOMPS UPSTAIRS, FOLLOWED BY MARK.

CUT TO:INT. MORECOMBE SITTING ROOM

THE SITTING ROOM OF A FIFTY-YEAR-OLD SINGLE MAN. PILES OF DIRTY LAUNDRY ARE EVERYWHERE. AN IRONING BOARD IS FEELING NEGLECTED BEHIND THE SOFA.DENNIS (THE AFOREMENTIONED SINGLE MAN) IS WATCHING TV WITH HIS FEET UP AND DRAINING THE LAST OF A RUM BOTTLE INTO A GLASS. HE HAS THE FRESH-FACED LOOK AND PERSONAL HYGIENE OF A LONG-DEAD PHARAOH. PHONE RINGS.

DENNIS:
For God’s sake. (WEARILY) Hello. Morecombe Laundry Service, Dennis here. (ROLLS EYES) Hello Mr Machin. No, no, your washing‘s not quite done yet. I did say two days, and not two weeks, you’re quite right. Right, right....ok, well I mean we’re a bit short-handed at the moment son, but I’m on the case. (HAS A SWIG) Yeah, giving it me full attention. All hands to the pumps, as it were. I’ve got a team ironing your stuff right now. Working their eastern European fingers to the bone.

SWAPS THE RECEIVER ONTO THE OPPOSITE EAR, SPILLING HIS DRINK IN THE PROCESS

Oh shite. I’m putting you on hold for a sec. Ta.

LOOKS AT THE RECEIVER ANGRILY

Prick.

TAKES THE PHONE OFF HOLD

Right. We’re probably looking at tomorrow before it’s ready.

HE LOOKS AT THE HUGE PILE OF LAUNDRY.

Maybe the day after. I’ll give you a bell anyway. Cheers son.

HE PUTS THE PHONE DOWN. SUZIE AND MARK ENTER NOISILY.

Oh ay up. Pass us another bottle, and a cloth. In that order.

SUZIE TURNS OFF THE TV

Oy!

SUZIE:
In case you hadn’t noticed, we’re back.

DENNIS:
Oh I’ve noticed. The spiders have flung themselves in the toilet. Switch the box back on.

MARK:
(EAGERLY SHAKING DENNIS’ HAND) Hello Dennis! All married now. Dad.

DENNIS:
You can cut the Dad shite out straight away.

SUZIE:
“How was the honeymoon love?” Oh we had a fabulous time, Dad. The Praia Da Luz region is particularly beautiful at this time of year, Dad. (NO RESPONSE FROM DENNIS) He’s made me red raw, Dad.

DENNIS:
Good-oh. Now switch the box back on.

MARK:
I think I must have got bladdered every night.

DENNIS:
Really? That’s bloody fabulous.

MARK:
I’m a bit ashamed of myself to be honest.

DENNIS:
No, no, it’s a marvellous thing. I mean, you always come across as such a goody two shoes, whereas you’re just as much a pisshead as the rest of us. Switch the box back on.

MARK:
I had to drink. It was so hot over there.

DENNIS:
Told you. What did I tell you? Switch the box back on. You should have listened to what I told you, but you didn’t. As usual.

SUZIE:
Llandudno was out of the question. Never mind the stupid honeymoon. This place! I can’t believe how bad it is! I’ve never seen a dirtier, messier, smellier……..

DENNIS:
Hey hey hey! (WAVES) Look, when you’ve switched the box back on, you can sit down and tell me when the sprog drops, alright?

SUZIE:
Stuff the box. What do you mean, sprog? I’m not pregnant!

DENNIS:
Course you are. Why else did you get married? Not that you need to do that nowadays anyway. Christ, in my day I would’ve had me bollocks stapled to the table if I’d got a girl up the spout.

SUZIE:
I’m not.

MARK:
We love each other, Dennis.

DENNIS:
(BURSTS OUT LAUGHING) Don’t be daft. You’re as camp as a Christmas crucifix.

MARK:
No I’m not.

DENNIS:
Oh come on. (TO SUZIE) He’s got all the gay stereotypes. You know, good fashion sense. Very close to his mother. Takes it up the arse.

MARK:
Are you absolutely sure I can’t call you Dad now? It’d make us feel like a real family.

DENNIS:
All the more reason not to. So come on, what have you brought me back?

SUZIE:
You’ve destroyed my skunk! Why should I give you anything?

DENNIS:
Oh yeah, them. Forgot all about ‘em. Well, I’ve been rushed off me feet (HAS A DRINK)

SUZIE:
Thanks. (SIGHS) This room is unbelievable.

DENNIS:
Cheers. Yeah, well I thought I’d have a bit of a tidy up before you got back, you know.

SUZIE:
(TO MARK) See? We were right. We’re not your slaves, you lazy bastard. This laundry business is supposed to be YOUR baby. Is this how it was with all your other businesses?

MARK:
How many has it been now?

DENNIS:
Bloody hell. Well now, there’s been a couple at least.

DISSOLVE TO:

MONTAGE OF NUMEROUS SHOP FRONTS. DIFFERENT BUSINESS TYPES, ALL BEGINNING WITH THE WORD MORECOMBE,

MORECOMBE PAPER SUPPLIES, MORECOMBE FIREWORKS, MORECOMBE COMPUTERS, MORECOMBE LIGHT FITTINGS, MORECOMBE PET SHOP, MORECOMBE CAR PARTS, MORECOMBE PEST CONTROL

DISSOLVE TO:INT. SITTING ROOM

SUZIE:
Well, you’ve shot your bolt. Shall I tell him?

DENNIS:
Tell me what?

SUZIE:
Can’t you guess? We’ve decided something. We’re going.

DENNIS:
Oh. I see. Can you knock us up a sandwich first?

SUZIE:
Going as in moving out.

DENNIS:
No you’re not.

SUZIE:
Yes we are.

DENNIS:
No you’re not. And the reason why you’re not is that you can’t afford to.

MARK:
He’s right you know.

SUZIE:
(TO MARK) Which is why you’re going to be looking for a job, starting today. We’ve been through all this!

DENNIS:
Oh, so you’ve been hatching this little bombshell for a while, have you? I might have known.

MARK:
I’m sorry, Dennis.

SUZIE:
I’m not! You’ll just have to get on with the washing and ironing yourself. Start with the stuff you’ve got on.

(TO MARK) So get the paper, and make a start.

MARK:
Er ………you could get a job too.

SUZIE:
Don’t I do enough? Who did all the wedding arrangements? Me. Who was it who had to demean herself with the hotel manager so we could get a room that didn’t face the abattoir? Me.

MARK:
You sounded as though you enjoyed it.

SUZIE:
They were moans of a soul being abused, Mark. Not moans of passion. Very different.

MARK:
You were shouting “yes, yes, yes”.

SUZIE:
Shut up! And get job hunting. (EXITS)

DENNIS:
She’s serious.

MARK:
Yes.

DENNIS:
‘Scuse me for a sec.

CLOSE UP OF DENNIS SCREAMING, IN THE STYLE OF “THE SCREAM” BY EDVARD MUNCH.

FADE OUT

The distinct lack of reaction is not good.

I think the lack of reaction is the length, not the quality. I, for one, made the effort to read both scenes and really enjoyed both of them. I love all three characters and each one is very clearly defined. I can see myself turning out like Mark, which scares me slightly. The interactions between the characters is very good, and for a first scene there is a good ammount of tension which only boads well for the rest. Are you planning on sending the pilot off to anyone and how long has it tasken you to write?

I have only read the first scene. I like it,It's well written and flows nicely although it reads like two mates down the pub talking and not a father about his daughter.
Hope that helps

Some good lines, I enjoyed both scenes. Camp as as a christmas crucifix being my particular favourite! Found myself smiling more as it went on which is good. Interested is seeing the finished result

I think there are some good lines but I also think there are some lines that don't need to be there that if it were my script I'd edit out. It seems to take too long to get where it's going? But it's one of the better extracts from a sitcom that I've read.

Wow, thanks very much for the replies. I must admit I was holding fire on starting ep 2. It's one thing having your wife say "yes very good dear, now don't forget to take the rubbish out", and another when the comments are from strangers (with absolutely NO emphasis on the "strange").

Erm, ep1 took me 2 months to write altogether, although there was much character and plot development beforehand of course (mainly written in the car). I'm aiming to get ep2 written before dispatching anything. I thoroughly recommend "How To Be A Sitcom Writer" by Marc Blake. It's been my bible over the last few months. A thoroughly good bogside book.

I've taken some of the constructive comments on board. The "2 mates down the pub" comment - to be honest, that's the point, Dennis can't stand his daughter and so feels absolutely no compunction in talking this way about her, but fair comment, his POV of her probably needs to be clarified. Also, yes there are a few redundant lines which I hadn't noticed before.

But thank you again. You've given me one hell of a boost.
Phil