Return To Sender Episode 1 - sitcom Page 2

Quote: random @ May 21 2009, 2:48 PM BST

lol. You make it all sound so easy Mr P

However I don't intend on one set for the whole sitcom.

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Plays don't have just one set you know.

And trust me it's a lot simpler that way than just sending in blind. Men Behaving Badly was a novel first. Agents and producers go to see plays the whole time with an eye out for new talent, and not in the Russell Brand sense, and not just at the Edinburgh Festival. People reading a script don't hear an audience howling with laughter!

Quote: Ben @ May 21 2009, 9:39 AM BST

There's still a lot of explaining going on and it's far too long. You've established a perfectly plausible plot early on, but then you keep going with banter.

The banter doesn't do much to establish any relationships. Look at the very first appearence of Rimmer and Lister in Red Dwarf - there's some wonderful verbal sparring which establishes exactly what the characters are about.

I remember last time you posted you kept mentioning this 'natural dialogue' that you're after. Can you give us some examples of previous shows using the dialogue? I'm not sure what you're aiming for at the minute. Is it an Early Doors sort of feel?

I liked this line: "You've a real spring in your shuffle"

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Thanks for your input

As for what I'm after, I guess it would be somewhere in the lines of The Smoking Room/Early Doors type of feel but I don't want that feel with every scene.

Quote: Marc P @ May 21 2009, 2:55 PM BST

Plays don't have just one set you know.

And trust me it's a lot simpler that way than just sending in blind. Men Behaving Badly was a novel first. Agents and producers go to see plays the whole time with an eye out for new talent, and not in the Russell Brand sense, and not just at the Edinburgh Festival. People reading a script don't hear an audience howling with laughter!

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Point taken Marc and admit it's something I never considered.

I really quite liked that. I know the others are saying that it's too long and could be trimmed a lot but I thought it had a nice cosy feel to it and I guess that's what random is going for. I think you could do with adding a few more laughs in there and the dialogue could do with a bit of cleaning up in places (For example, I don't think someone who has just said "Was, but not no more" would use the word "malicious"), but overall I think you're on the right track with this.

Good work

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ May 22 2009, 12:16 AM BST

I really quite liked that. I know the others are saying that it's too long and could be trimmed a lot but I thought it had a nice cosy feel to it and I guess that's what random is going for. I think you could do with adding a few more laughs in there and the dialogue could do with a bit of cleaning up in places (For example, I don't think someone who has just said "Was, but not no more" would use the word "malicious"), but overall I think you're on the right track with this.

Good work

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Cheers Chris, pleased you liked

Just come accross this one Random

I really like this. I personally don't think it's too wordy. Most gags work. I like the phone conversation, you are expecting it to finish with Love you too, and then it goes on a little further. The carer stuff is nicely done, although fairly harsh and disgusting (Not a bad thing) and I like the gambling chat and can picture that really well.

All in all I think it has legs and would like to read more. Nice stuff

Quote: Minty @ May 27 2009, 10:42 AM BST

Just come accross this one Random

I really like this. I personally don't think it's too wordy. Most gags work. I like the phone conversation, you are expecting it to finish with Love you too, and then it goes on a little further. The carer stuff is nicely done, although fairly harsh and disgusting (Not a bad thing) and I like the gambling chat and can picture that really well.

All in all I think it has legs and would like to read more. Nice stuff

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Cheers Minty.

Pleased you enjoyed and on side with 'don't think it's too wordy'

Big thanks for the read and your thoughts