British Comedy Guide

Sitcostume Drama-com

Hello all

I would be very curious and a little afraid to hear your opinions on these
first couple of scenes from my sitcom. To give you some background; I wrote this initially as a TV script. My aim was to parody all the typical Austen/period drama tropes, but create an original plot and set of characters to keep people interested in 6 (or more) episodes.

However, I'm probably now going to abandon the project, because there are far too many Austen mash-ups in the pipeline (Pride and Predator, Austen vs Zombies, Pride and Prejudice meets The Office). I'm a little gutted, because (of course) I think my idea is a bit more original, but no way can I compete with all these similar projects, especially as they all have big prod co/celebrity backing.

Still, I don't want to let it go just yet as I can't feel the script is finished until it's performed. So I've adapted it into a radio piece, which I will shortly be recording with some talented actor-types. But I've still got time to hear all your views and possibly incorporate them, if you'd be so kind as to give my paltry efforts the once-over - cheers!

TEASER. INT/EXT. COUNTRYSIDE/CARRIAGE - DAY ONE

BIRDS SINGING, COWBELLS RINGING AND THE SOUND OF WHEELS ROLLING OVER A
GRAVELLED TRACK.

FANNY:
Sunlight lay dappled over the gently rolling hills of
the English countryside. Birds sang cheerfully as
humble peasants carried out some typically rustic
activity.

A COW MOOS. IN THE DISTANCE WE HEAR VOICES.

RUSTIC OLD MAN:
Easy now Daisy ole girl, I'm nearly done 'ere.

COW MOOS AGAIN.

RUSTIC YOUNG WOMAN:
Well 'urry up, coz I were done ages ago, and you're
upsettin' the cow.

FANNY:
And the carriage continued in its steady progress,
carrying our heroine, a young orphan of seventeen,
living under the regency of Prince George, towards
her destiny in the village of Little Feltching under the
guardianship of her kindly uncle and aunt… What a
load of old tripe.

CUT TO:

SCENE 1. INT. CARRIAGE - DAY ONE

PAGES TURN AND A PEN SCRATCHES ACROSS THE PAPER FURIOUSLY.

FANNY:
(CROSSES OUT HER WRITING) Rolling hills,
twittering birds, fornicating milkmaids - and all
narrated by a thinly disguised version of myself.
Yes, tripe's the only word for it! But how can I write
a fresh and arresting novel without inspiration?
Perhaps my fellow passengers will stimulate me. Mr
Clement?

MR CLEMENT SNORES LOUDLY IN RESPONSE.

FANNY:
Mrs Clement?

MRS CLEMENT SNORES AND MUMBLES TO HERSELF.

FANNY:
Oh it's hopeless! My problem is nothing interesting
ever happens. This journey should at least be taking
place in some sort of raging thunderstorm. My
fellow occupants should be delirious with the fever
of a terrible disease, while I nurse them
tirelessly through the night. And finally the driver
should lose his way in the unrelenting dark, sending
us tumbling over the edge of a treacherously steep
precipice.

THE CARRIAGE IS JOLTED AND THERE IS A TERRIBLE COMMOTION. FANNY SCREAMS,
WAKING MRS CLEMENT.

MRS CLEMENT:
Oh, whatever's the matter child?

FANNY
I thought we were about to go over the edge of a
treacherously steep precipice.

MRS CLEMENT:
Must have been a pothole. Plenty of those on the
way to Little Feltching. Ah, soon you shall be w ith
your uncle Pettigrew , your poor mother's brother.
Yours is truly the saddest story I ever heard Miss
Fanny. Your mother dead, your father lost at sea -
presumably dead. And your brother - dead!

FANNY:
Dead?

MRS CLEMENT:
Dead!

FANNY:
No -

MRS CLEMENT:
No?

FANNY:
No, my brother is very much alive, although very
much at sea.

MRS CLEMENT:
Well, it is still very sad, for all your brother's being
alive… You're certain - no chance he's dead?

FANNY:
Yes, quite certain.

MRS CLEMENT:
Oh dear, a great pity… Well, you will be happy in
Little Feltching. It's a quiet village where nothing of
consequence ever happens. There will be
absolutely nothing to perturb you.

FANNY:
(Disappointed) Oh...

THEY CONTINUE IN SILENCE FOR A FEW MOMENTS, WHEN SUDDENLY -

FANNY:
Mrs Clement, your husband, is he quite well?

MRS CLEMENT:
Oh he's fine. Why do you ask?

FANNY:
He has not moved at all during the entire journey.

MRS CLEMENT:
Yes, he's very boring and rigid like that.

FANNY:
But he's stopped snoring.

MRS CLEMENT:
Yes, he's a very contrary and inconsistent fellow.

FANNY:
But mark the pallor of his complexion! The painful
angle at which his head droops! And his pulse -
very feeble. Indeed, feeble to the point of having
ceased! Mrs Clement - your husband is dead!

MRS CLEMENT:
No, he can't be - Abey my dear… Abraham… Dear
God, Abraham… Oh, he's dead, dead!

FANNY:
I will alert the driver. Pray remain calm madam.
Driver! Please stop, I must talk w ith you. A man has
died!

WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THE CARRIAGE STOPPING, THE DOOR OPENING AND FANNY'S
VOICE GROWING FAINTER AS SHE EXITS.

MRS CLEMENT WAILS HYSTERICALLY.

MRS CLEMENT:
My dear husband - dead!

MR CLEMENT:
No I'm not.

MRS CLEMENT
Oh joy of joys! I'm in a state of shock! I'm
overwhelmed! I'm short of breath! I'm not feeling
very well actually.

MRS CLEMENT DIES NOISILY. WE HEAR THE CARRIAGE DOOR OPEN AGAIN AND FANNY APPROACH.

FANNY:
I fear nothing can be done. The gentleman is as
dead as a doornail.

MR CLEMENT:
No I'm not.

FANNY SCREAMS.

MR CLEMENT:
But my wife has just now died in my arms. She
seemed to be under the impression that Iwas dead,
whilst in truth I was merely dozing. The shock of
my sudden revival killed her.
(Tearfully) Why on earth would she think Iwas
dead?

FANNY:
(Awkwardly) Why indeed? Hah - oh dear.

CUT TO:

Clumsy but interesting.

Hi LIME5000

Thanks for taking the time to read, but could I ask you to expand a little more? What exactly is it that you find interesting? And is it that the dialogue is clumsy, or the situation?

It would be really helpful if you could, but obviously no obligation to.

Cheers!

Schnubbs

Hey Scnubbs, in simple layman's terms I found the concept interesting, though it was quite hard to read and just wasn't funny enough. :)

I found it quite amusing, especially the purposely expositional bits Mrs Clement spouted about how the girl has to stay with her uncle because her immediate family are all dead and/or lost at sea, plus the other bit about the village where "nothing of consequence happens," both of which are satirising typical Bronte/Austen/Hardy novels with relish.

All that's required now is a love triangle between our herione, a handsome but evil country squire and a lowly shepherd, who she SHOULD be with, but never does because he dies tragically at the end and you've got the whole thing sown up. :P

I really don't think you should abandon this. Instead, I think you sould turn it totally into a radio script, as I have a feeling it would work better in that medium.

Don't bother with TV as, like you say, there are far too many period projects floating about. I've never heard of any you listed, but I recall a recent Austen satire entitled Lost In Austen about a 21st century girl who gets transported back in time and into the Pride And Predudice novel itself.

Made me laugh out loud. Could easily picture it. I am a big fan of Austen type dramas so that is probably why. I would definitely continue with it.
I was involved in a script along the same lines about the Brontes, had great fun with it.

I liked this too. I can't tell from this extract, but I'd be careful about making it too much like Northanger Abbey, which was Austen's parody of the Gothic novel and centres around an imaginative young lady who believes there's more dramatic events going on around her than there really is.

Hey everyone!

Made me laugh out loud. Could easily picture it. I am a big fan of Austen type dramas so that is probably why. I would definitely continue with it.

Cheers Loopey. I'm also a big fan of Austen-ey dramas. I started writing it because I thought they've pretty much covered all the books in the last couple of years, perhaps the time has come for something original in the same period setting. Little did I know that about 1432 Pride and Prejudice mash-ups were in the pipeline. Ah.

All that's required now is a love triangle between our herione, a handsome but evil country squire and a lowly shepherd, who she SHOULD be with, but never does because he dies tragically at the end and you've got the whole thing sown up.

Hi Mikey Jackson. Yup, that's pretty much what happens :P . Well apart from the shepherd bit - haven't really involved the "lower orders" too much - good idea for a later episode. Evil squire pops up in Episode 2. I think you're right about the radio idea in that, even if anyone were to ever show any interest I doubt they'd give little old me the budget to carry it off on telly. Although then I've got the problem that it's not a million miles away from Bleak Expectations, which is a Dickens parody already on Radio 4. Oh I just think there's too much conspiring against it - I will presevere with recording the two episodes I wrote but I think it's going to be more for my own sense of accomplishment. And I did indeed watch Lost in Austen. I'd already started working on Fanny G, so I was a bit miffed! And in fact it's going to be turned into a film (I read somewhere) - wonder if they'll sort out the bizarre ending?

I liked this too. I can't tell from this extract, but I'd be careful about making it too much like Northanger Abbey.

Hello Dolly - tee hee. Yes, Fanny is a bit like Catherine Morland, but I think it goes off it a different enough direction after this initial scene. But I'm glad you like!
Yes in fact thanks to all for reading, and thanks for the encouraging words. When it's recorded I shall certainly post a link here.

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