The Job Parrets: My First Day

I've just stuck up the first few scenes of my plan to see how everyone thinks it is getting on. My Plan for the Sitcom as a whole can be seen in the Writer's Discussion Forum. Thanks a lot for looking.

The Job Parrets
Series One, Episode One
My First Day

STARTS WITH DARK SCREEN.

CLOCK BEGINS BEEPING LOUDLY

TJ NARRATING:
If I just lie here and pretend it's Sunday for a minute longer it won't change a thing but it'll make me feel better for that minu...

SUDDEN BANGING AND SHOUTING CAN BE HEARD FROM THE WALL

TJ NARRATING:
Okay I was wrong!

TJ JUMPS OUT OF BED AND TRIES TO STOP HIS ALARM CLOCK PANICKING UNDER THE PRESSURE OF THE SHOUTING AND BANGING. HIS ALARM WONT STOP SO HE RUNS TO THE WINDOW, OPENS IT AND THROWS IT OUT. HE TURNS BACK AROUND TOWARDS THE WALL.

TJ (SHOUTING):
Sorry Mrs Robinson!

THERE IS NO RESPONSE FROM NEXT DOOR.

(Opening Titles)

TJ NARRATING:
Today was my first day working at Parret's Supermarket in the Fruit and Veg Department...

TJ GRABS HIS COAT AND LEAVES HIS FLAT, PULLING OUT THE DOOR BEHIND HIM AND LOCKING IT, AS HE WALKS PAST NEXT DOOR A WALKING STICK APPEARS OUT OF THE DOOR AND TJ TRIPS OVER IT.

MRS ROBINSON:
You woke me up this morning you thug.

MRS ROBINSON LOOKS DOWN AT TJ AS HE LIES HELPLESSLY UNDER HER WALKING STICK.

TJ:
I'm sorry Mrs Robinson, it won't happen again.

MRS ROBINSON:
It better not young man, or else!

MRS ROBINSON WALKS BACK AND LOOKING AT TJ THE WHOLE TIME SHE SLAMS HER DOOR. TJ LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE AND GETS UP DUSTING HIMSELF DOWN.

TJ NARRATING:
I always get a bit nervous when starting new things, my first day of school hit me like a brick wall...

FLASHBACK: TJ AS A BOY PLAYING FOOTBALL, THE BALL GOES INTO THE TREES.

TJ:
I'll get it!

TJ RUNS INTO THE TREES AND A THUD IS HEARD, THE BALL ROLLS OUT AND THE CAMERA MAKES IT'S WAY OVER TO TJ LYING ON THE FLOOR THEN SLOWLY MOVES UP REVEALING A BRICK WALL BEHIND THE TREES.

FLASHFORWARD:
TJ NARRATING:
This time would be different, I promised myself I would beat the nerves and as soon as I walked through the door I knew that I was okay....

TJ WALKS INTO PARRET'S SUPERMARKET AND LOOKS AROUND CURIOUSLY. A SEXY BLOND FEMALE EMPLOYEE HEADING TOWARDS THE FRUIT AND VEG DEPARTMENT NOTICES HIM LOOKING BEWILDERED AND WALKS OVER TO HIM.

MARYSE:
Hi, can I help you?

TJ NARRATING:
And how wrong I was!

POV SHOT OF TJ LOOKING AT MARYSE AS HE GOES DIZZY.

TJ:
I erm...I...I...

POV SHOT OF TJ'S VISION GETTING VERY BLURRED UNTIL THE SCREEN TURNS BLACK AND A THUD IS HEARD.

Hey,

I can't really judge much on this one small scene - there weren't really any jokes in this, except probably the wall joke, but I didn't really break a smile reading that either.

We need a bit more, maybe post up say the first 2 - 3 pages? People can go made and post about 10, but for here 2 - 3 will do...

At the start you have the character telling the audience he's going to "lie there and pretend it's Sunday". Why not start with tricking the audience into thinking it IS Sunday? Then reveal he's at work.

Although Paul's right, you need to show us a bit more.

FWIW I enjoyed it. Although the VO gives it a very inbetweeners-y feel. Would like to see more.

It's difficult to comment constructivly on such a short extract but, her goes:

Firstly, I liked the idea of Mrs Robinson tripping him up with her walking stick and then calling him a thug.

Less positive I'm afraid, I couldn't see the point in the narration as most of the time it explained what we were about to see. I was on a sitcom seminar a couple of weeks ago and two of the big things they said to avoid were voice over and flashback. Rules are made to be broken but I'm not sure you demonstrate any real requirement for either device in your scene.

Sorry. I did like it though, just needs a bit of a rethink.

SCRUBS in a supermarket. I don't see why not. But you need to have the drama shown through stuff happening as well as with the narrative voice over. At the heart of most episodes of Scrubs there was a lot of emotionally significant stuff flying around.

Quote: steve by any other name @ May 18 2009, 11:17 AM BST

Less positive I'm afraid, I couldn't see the point in the narration as most of the time it explained what we were about to see. I was on a sitcom seminar a couple of weeks ago and two of the big things they said to avoid were voice over and flashback.

View original

Really? What did they say about My Name is Earl, Inbetweeners, Beautiful People, etc?

This also reminded me of Scrubs, but I didn't really find it funny ... yet.

I like the neighbour being called Mrs Robinson. Maybe we don't see her and then when TJ falls over her stick, we just see her looking up at her leg (as in the film). The camera tracks up and she's a rough old bird?

I didn't get the other post about the premise of the show and the name TJ, etc. Also the black character sounds a bit stereotypical; good at sport, cool, etc - you only missed out that he's very musical!

Quote: Marc P @ May 18 2009, 11:25 AM BST

SCRUBS in a supermarket. I don't see why not. But you need to have the drama shown through stuff happening as well as with the narrative voice over. At the heart of most episodes of Scrubs there was a lot of emotionally significant stuff flying around.

View original

Main reason it wouldn't work is the emotional thing. In Scrubs they could have a patient for days/much longer and they'd be dying... gonna stuggle to get an emotional connection with Mrs Quinn who you've spoken to for all five minutes of her life when the shop weren't able to order in her butternut squash.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ May 18 2009, 1:03 PM BST

Really? What did they say about My Name is Earl, Inbetweeners, Beautiful People, etc?

View original

I would say Arrested Development would be the best example, that show thrived on Ron Howard's narration and constant flashbacks... would've been nothing but a very good cast wasted if you removed it.

Quote: jdubya @ May 18 2009, 11:08 AM BST

FWIW I enjoyed it. Although the VO gives it a very inbetweeners-y feel. Would like to see more.

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Just read your blogspot jdubya. Can I use you as a character in my next sitcom?

it would be an honour Nonny.

Quote: jdubya @ May 18 2009, 1:16 PM BST

it would be an honour Nonny.

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My sister would be a good character. It'd be an honour Nonnie if you used Connie.

Quote: sardines @ May 18 2009, 1:08 PM BST

Main reason it wouldn't work is the emotional thing. In Scrubs they could have a patient for days/much longer and they'd be dying... gonna stuggle to get an emotional connection with Mrs Quinn who you've spoken to for all five minutes of her life when the shop weren't able to order in her butternut squash.

View original

I personally like butternut squash, it's a bit of a bugger to peel admitedly.

But strangely the emotional stuff I was referring to was to do with the central characters and their relationships with each other, rather than random characters and their idosyncratic vegetable choices.

Quote: Marc P @ May 18 2009, 2:07 PM BST

I personally like butternut squash, it's a bit of a bugger to peel admitedly.

But strangely the emotional stuff I was referring to was to do with the central characters and their relationships with each other, rather than random characters and their idosyncratic vegetable choices.

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They generally synchronise, whatevers literally wrong with the patient is metaphorically wrong with them.

...or some crap like that.

Quote: sardines @ May 18 2009, 3:20 PM BST

They generally synchronise, whatevers literally wrong with the patient is metaphorically wrong with them.

...or some crap like that.

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Now you're just making that up Sardines!

Quote: Marc P @ May 18 2009, 2:07 PM BST

I personally like butternut squash, it's a bit of a bugger to peel admitedly.

View original

You need to top and tail it first, then half it.