British Comedy Guide

First The Worst, Second The Best

Just thought I'd give this a go and see if anyone liked it, it's just a quick thing I put together. I was hoping to write a sitcom but first I thought I'd write a short version of an episode and see what people think. I'm not sure if people will think its funny or not. But yeah I'd appreciate any feedback to see if I should do a sitcom. Thanks.

NICK (Narrating):
I always get a bit nervous when taking big steps in life, my first day of school hit me like a brick wall.

FLASHBACK: NICK AS A BOY PLAYING FOOTBALL, THE BALL GOES INTO THE TREES.

NICK
I'll get it!

NICK RUNS INTO THE TREES AND A THUD IS HEARD, THE BALL ROLLS OUT AND THE CAMERA MAKES IT'S WAY OVER TO NICK LYING ON THE FLOOR THEN SLOWLY MOVES UP REVEALING A BRICK WALL BEHIND THE TREES.

NICK (Narrating):
So I generally tried my best to put off big events in my life, but like most things they all end up happening sooner or later. My first date ended up being a stressful day for me and that was even before I met my date...

DURING THE NARRATION IT SHOWS NICK'S ALARM CLOCK GOING OFF AND NICK'S HAND COMING OUT OF THE BED COVERS TO TURN IT OFF, NICK'S HAND INSTEAD HITS OVER A GLASS OF WATER ON HIS BEDSIDE TABLE AND IT GOES OVER THE CLOCK MAKING THE ALARM STOP.

(OPENING TITLES)

NICK (Narrating):
Like most first dates I was nervous about what was going to happen, I met a girl called Jenny at a gig and decided to ask her out and it actually went well!

FLASHBACK: NICK WITH HIS MATES LAUGHING AT A GIG

NICK'S MATE:
So go on then, ask her...

NICK:
It'll just go wrong, but fine, I'll give it a go.

NICK'S MATES LAUGH AND EGG HIM ON. NICK WALKS OVER TO A GIRL STOOD TALKING TO HER FRIENDS, THEY ALL STOP AND LOOK AT HIM CURIOUSLY.

GIRL:
Erm...hi.

NICK:
Oh hey, erm...I just noticed you over here and thought you look pretty cool, I like your t-shirt, so you like that band then?

GIRL:
Erm...yeah, if I didn't like them I probably wouldn't be at his gig.

NICK:
Oh right yeah, so well I just wondered if you fancied a drink or something?

GIRL:
Yeah, okay, thanks.

THE GIRL SAYS BYE TO HER MATES AND WALKS AWAY WITH NICK.

LATER IN THE NIGHT:
NICK AND THE GIRL ARE STOOD TOGETHER AT THE BUS STOP.

NICK:
So, Jenny do you fancy maybe going out sometime, on a date? Maybe Friday?

JENNY:
Yeah that would be nice.

JENNY SMILES.

NICK:
Alright, cool it's a date then!

JENNY:
Yeah, it's a date, I'll see you on Friday then.

NICK: Okay, yeah, thanks Jenny, see you Friday.

JENNY WALKS OFF AND NICK CELEBRATES.

NICK:
YEEEESSSSS!

NICK WALKS AWAY AND WALKS INTO THE GLASS PANE OF THE BUS STOP.

BACK IN THE PRESENT:
NICK (Narrates):
So I was quite surprised that night went so well and a girl actually was looking forward to going on a date with me, now all I needed to do was get ready and getting ready for a date isn't the bad part...is it?

NICK WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM AND HAS A SHAVE, NOT CUTTING HIMSELF ONCE AND PUTS DOWN THE RAZOR, LOOKING INTO THE MIRROR BUT THEN NOTICES ONE HAIR LEFT. HE PICKS UP THE RAZOR AND GOES TO SHAVE IT OFF WHEN THE PHONE RINGS. NICK JUMPS.

NICK:
ARRRRGGGHHH!

FLASH FORWARD:
NICK (Narrates):
I have always had a very vivid imagination which always seemed to mess something up for me, whether it be hurting myself or just wasting time.

NICK OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR AND IS WELCOMED BY STEAM, HE WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM AND GRABS A BRUSH, HOLDING IT AS THOUGH IT IS A MICROPHONE.

NICK:
Tonight Matthew, I will be...errm...

FLASH FORWARD:
THE CAMERA MAKES ITS WAY ACROSS THE SINK WHERE THERE IS A MESS OF DEODERANT CANS, SHAVING FOAM CANS, SHAVING FOAM AND OTHER VARIOUS THINGS. IT FINDS IT'S WAY UP TO THE MIRROR AND A REFLECTION OF NICK IS SHOWN IN THE MIRROR WITH A SHAVING FOAM BEARD, SUNGLASSES, A MEDALLION AND IS WEARING A TOWEL. NICK WALKS INTO THE SHOWER AND TURNS IT ON AS HE HOLDS A BRUSH TO HIS FACE.

NICK:
Tonight Matthew, I will be WOOOAAHHH, ARRGGGGHH!

NICK SLIPS INTO THE BATH TUB AND A CRASH IS HEARD AS THE CAMERA LOOKS AT THE BATH TUB WITH THE SHOWER STILL ON AND A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES, A BRUSH, A MEDALLION AND A TOWEL GO FLYING OUT OF THE BATH TUB.

FLASH FORWARD:
NICK IS RUSHING OUT OF THE HOUSE AS HE CHECKS EVERYTHING IS CLOSED.

NICK (Narrating):
I have always been very careful leaving the house, I like to make sure things are right and everything is secure, it is good to feel safe but I think I go a bit over the top and it wastes my time even more...

NICK RUNS TO THE DOOR AND LOCKS IT WITH HIS KEY, HE LOOKS DOWN THE ROAD AND BEGINS WALKING FAST THROUGH THE RAIN.

NICK (Narrating):
One thing I have always been scared of is dogs, I like dogs but they also terrify me and it is all down to a dog down my street called Zippy.

NICK WALKS DOWN THE STREET AND THEN NOTICES A SMALL BLACK AND WHITE DOG WHO STARTS GROWLING AND BARKING AND IT CHASES HIM AS HE SCREAMS, RUNNING DOWN THE STREET.

FLASH FORWARD:
NICK (Narrating):
I usually end up doing stupid things which in turn makes me late and then I end up not being able to do more important things. In this case I hadn't eaten before I came out and was feeling peckish.

NICK WALKS OUT OF A SHOP WITH A CHOCOLATE BAR AND DRINK, HE WALKS UNDER THE SHELTER AND STAYS UNDER IT FINISHING OFF HIS CHOCOLATE BAR AND OPENING HIS DRINK, UNTIL IT LOOKS LIKE THERE ARE NO CARS COMING. HE MAKES A DASH FOR THE ROAD BUT A SPORTS CAR SPEEDS OUT OF NOWHERE SPLASHING A PUDDLE BUT NICK MANAGES TO JUMP FAR BACK ENOUGH TO NOT GET SPLASHED. NICK'S FACE LOOKS CONCERNED AND HE LOOKS DOWN, THE CAMERA SLOWLY MOVING DOWN TO HIS CROTCH, HIS DRINK HAS GONE ALL OVER THE CROTCH AREA OF HIS PANTS AFTER JUMPING BACKWARDS AND DROPPING THE BOTTLE, SPILLING THE DRINK, MAKING IT LOOK LIKE HE HAS WET HIMSELF.

NICK:
Awww man!

NICK THROWS THE BOTTLE IN THE BIN, SOME CHILDREN WALK PAST AND LAUGH AT HIM, WHEN THEY WALK PAST HE MAKES A FACE AT THEM AND A BIRD CRAPS ON HIS HEAD.

NICK:
I don't believe it! How much worse can this day get!

JUST AS NICK FINISHES SPEAKING A CAR DRIVES PAST AND SPLASHES THE PUDDLE ALL OVER HIM. NICK GETS HIS MOBILE PHONE OUT AND CALLS HIS DATE.

NICK:
Hey Jenny, I'm sorry, I can't make it, I'm feeling a little erm...under the weather.

(END CREDITS)

Bit boring to be honest. Sorry.

I imagine (I'm not a writer myself) it's quite difficult to condense an entire episode (and a first episode at that) into a few lines. It might work a bit better if there was a bit more dialogue so that we get to know Nick a bit more (how old is he, does he have a job etc).

How would this grip me for six weeks on end?

I'm sure more seasoned writers than me have their own views, though...

I'm not sure, to be fair.

Obviously the jokes are all visual - and I don't know if it's because I read your user name first - but it seemed a little 'Scrubs' based.

It's a strange bit, as we don't really know a lot about the character - in order to justify a series of unfortunate incidents, I should know the character first and probably sympathsie with him?

I'd suggest writing a back story first, maybe 10 sides and then decide a point where it'd be best to start from.

The visuals are nice though; it'd be good if you could finish with a specific visual joke that you don't remember seeing on anything before?

That level of narration is insane, kinda felt like an advert for insurance or mastercard or something cos of it. If you're doing it to that level you should try and link it all up together cos it's just jumping from random description related to whatever's about to go wrong to the next one... that choppy jumping is what makes me think of adverts I think.

I would guess Peep Show/Inbetweeners influenced narration there.

Although I know nothing so don't pay too much heed.

Thanks for the feedback, from the jist of it I figured the biggest problem is that I haven't developed any characters or any settings.

I just sort of got this idea in my head for an episode, it wouldn't neccessarilly be the pilot or anything, just an episode somewhere after viewers are already comfortable with the characters and settings.

To be honest I started off thinking about basing it on me but I don't think my life totally would sit very well with being the base of the sitcom. Mainly because I am a student but I live at home and I don't generally hang around with the same people all of the time. I just find it difficult to base it on my life now as every time I think I could go with this idea I think it doesn't really go with me. Like before I thought about basing it in a shop, like a department of a supermarket but then thought I can't because I don't work in a supermarket. So I think I need to maybe stop basing it on me, maybe take some influences from my life but not base the entire thing on me. The story of the date though is not entirely based on me, the date part never happened to me but the dog, checking doors and windows and the first day of school running into a wall are all true.

My ideas are having a lead character who is a bit geeky but everyone who knows him thinks he is cool and he comes across as cool to the audience, so I maybe won't go with this idea now. I want to keep the lead characters name to either initials or at least something short. I'm thinking of basing some of his friends on my friends and maybe sticking them in a department of a supermarket as workers there, maybe the fruit and veg department and the main settings will be the pub and the supermarket. I am hoping to keep narration in there from the lead character. I'll probably need to change the title of the show too, maybe to the name of the supermarket when I decide on one.

And yeah, I have been influenced by Scrubs and slightly by Everybody Hates Chris too. I've never actually seen Peep Show or Inbetweeners before so I can't say they are influences.

Quote: I'm No Superman @ May 17 2009, 8:13 PM BST

I've never actually seen Peep Show

Rectify this

I don't know if you could properly convey developed characters in that little of text. It definitely is very jumpy though, what you have there is about 3 minutes worth for what presumably should be the plot of an entire episode?

I've worked in a supermarket for 2 years now and can tell you it is an absolute goldmine, even with all the Clerks, Open All Hours and whatever else has already been made.

Hi Superman :)

I concur to the above.

I'm quite happy with a bit of narration - I love Everybody Hates Chris too - but watch it again and compare it to yours. I don't mean that too harshly but he'll do a bit of narrating to set it up and then we really get into some interesting scenes with a family full of strong characters plus a few outside the family. He creates a whole world in a sitcom.

I'm sure most of us base characters on ourselves - I exaggerate different aspects of myself all the time - there's nothing wrong with that but you have to stand out a bit more. Or set up characters around you to really bounce off. At the moment it's not really kicking off.

I like the brick wall bit - I'd keep that in and your early narration but try to get into a decent length scene early on and show us why we want to engage with this guy. Which I want to because I think he has potential.

Jx

Peep show is tosh and you know it.

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