SKIT COMP 15-22.5.9

Hi and congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... AFINKAWAN for winnin'! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Afinkawan
1 - 5 - Cool Mikado
1 - 5 - Roscoff
1 - 5 - Fred Sunshine
1 - 5 - Otterfox

Your new subject: SPORT (chosen by Fred Sunshine).
Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 22 May

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
91 - Chris Forshaw
82 - Charley Rance
72 - Otterfox
66 - Jude
61 - Cool Mikado
60 - Baumski
57 - Nigel Kelly

55 - Timbo
54 - Michael Monkhouse
35 - Afinkawan
31 - Paul Watson
30 - Fred Sunshine
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman

22 - Leevil
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
16 - Swerytd
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Bushbaby
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Badge
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Roscoff
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

EXT.RUGBY PITCH.DAY

A PLAYER IS READYING HIMSELF JOHNNY WILKINSON STYLE TO TAKE A CONVERSION KICK AT GOAL. HE EVENTUALLY STRIKES THE BALL MISSING THE TARGET BY A MILE. THE KICKER PICKS UP THE KICKING TEE AND THROWS IT AWAY TRIUMPHANTLY THEN TURNS TO JOG TOWARDS HIS DISSAPOINTED LOOKING TEAM MATES REVEALING THE FACT THAT HE IS COMPLETELY CROSS EYED

COMMENTATOR: And halfway through a tense final set, the umpire has stopped play here at the Wimbledon Men's Singles Final due to an infestation of Cliff Richard.

SCENE. EXT/INT. BBC 1 GRAPHIC. DAY.

You hear 2 woman making rather sexual noises.

WOMAN 1: OH!

WOMAN 2: AH!

WOMAN 1: OOOH!

WOMAN 2: OOAHHH!

VOICEOVER: (QUIETLY) And now on BBC 1 we return you to the live action of Wimbledons Women's Finals 2009 the only time of you can have a wank whilst watching BBC one... Except for the Queens Speech.

SCENE. INT. INDOOR ARENA.

COMMENTATOR: BARNEY JAMES, WITH HIS FINAL BOWL. TO WIN THE 2009 WORLD INDOOR BOWL CHAMPIONSHIP.

CUT TO: BARNEY JAMES ABOUT TO THROW HIS BOWL. A FEMALE STREAKER IN HER 70'S RUNS ACROSS THE TARMAC FLASHING HER BOOBS, WITH "I LOVE BJ" TATOOED ACROSS HER CHEST.

EXT. FOOTBALL PITCH. DAY.

A REF AND TWO CAPTAINS STAND AT THE CENTRE SPOT. THE REF CHECKS ALL HIS POCKETS. THE REF SHAKES HIS HEAD. HE SPEAKS TO THE CAPTAINS. THE CAPTAINS STRETCH OUT AN ARM EACH. CAPTAIN ONE HAS HIS PALM OUTSTRETCHED, CAPTAIN TWO HAS MADE A FIST. CAPTAIN ONE NODS TO THE REF WHO BLOWS HIS WHISTLE. THE TEAMS CHANGE ENDS.

INT. TV STUDIO AT OLD TRAFFORD. THREE MEN SITTING ROUND A DESK

ANCHOR:Well, welcome back to Old Trafford. If you've just joined us, you've missed a cracking first 45. 3-0 to Manchester United. The assault, Andy, spearheaded by one outstanding young talent – Manuel Perachino.

ANDY:He's been excellent, Perasheeno, and at only 19, his future looks very, very bright indeed.

ANCHOR:...Right...and Tommo, United fans will be pleased to see their academy producing such potential as young Perachino.

TOMMO:It's certainly an exciting time to be a United fan, they've got the lad Hopkins coming through, Perakeeno as you say...

ANCHORorry, guys – let's get this sorted out: it's 'Pera-chino'. With a 'ch'. Like 'Charlie'.

ANDY:What was I saying?

ANCHOR:'Sheeno'.

ANDY:That's close enough, isn't it? Anyway, says who?

ANCHOR: Says me, mush. I went to Bristol, y,know.

ANDY: So did I.

ANCHOR: You went to Bristol University?

ANDY: No - Rovers, on loan in 88.

ANCHORto Tommo) And you...

TOMMO:What?

ANCHORerakeeno? That's a bird isn't it?

TOMMO:'Toma(y)to, toma(r)to', Frank.

ANCHOR: You philistines.

PAUSE

ANCHOR:Too many foreigners isn't there?

TOMMO:Bloody Dagos.

ANDYodding Wops.

ANCHOR:Back to Alan and Ruud in the commentary box.

EXT. DAY.
ALL THAT CAN BE SEEN ON SCREEN IS THE CLOSE UP OF A MIDDLE AGED MAN'S FACE.

MAN: Down the line you [bleep] down the line!

CUTS TO SAME PERSON, SOME TIME HAS PASSED

MAN: Oh [bleep] off ref, that was never a foul. Look at the [bleep] got straight back up, hes alright!

CUTS TO SAME PERSON, SOME TIME HAS PASSED

MANhoot! Shoot!... oh [bleep], useless [bleep]!

CUTS TO SAME PERSON, SOME TIME HAS PASSED

MAN: Get in there you pansy [bleep]!

CUTS TO SAME PERSON, SOME TIME HAS PASSED

MAN: Oh, how the [bleep] did you miss that?!

CUTS TO SAME PERSON, SOME TIME HAS PASSED

MAN: [bleep]!!!

CUTS TO SAME PERSON, SOME TIME HAS PASSED

MAN: [bleep]!!!

CUTS TO SAME PERSON, SOME TIME HAS PASSED

MAN: [bleep]!!!

CUTS TO SAME PERSON, SOME TIME HAS PASSED

MAN: GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!

CUTS TO SAME PERSON, SOME TIME HAS PASSED

MAN: Ref! Ref! Come on ref,that's time for [bleep]'s sake!

WHISTLE BLOWS

MAN: YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! WHO ARE YA?! WHO ARE YA?!

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT REVEALING TEAM OF CRYING 10 YEAR OLDS LEAVING THE PITCH

MAN: AGAIN! WE'LL NEVER PLAY YOU AGAIN!

OLYMPIC SHAMES

THE OLYMPICS.

COMMENTATOR (O.S.) Welcome to the 2012 Olympics, held in fabulous Stoke…

JORDAN takes a cigarette-lighter out of her cleavage to light the target; fails.

JORDAN Oh poo.

COMMENTATOR (O.S.) Polevaulting first. Due to cutbacks the poles are made of tracing paper…

An ATHLETE tries to polevault; it crumples and he collapses.

COMMENTATOR (O.S.) But don't worry, Blue Peter are gonna fix it with some sticky-back plastic… Football now. We couldn't afford David Beckham, but his divorcee agreed to participate…

A caricatured POSH minces about as the football whizzes past.

POSH Oh golly.

COMMENTATOR (O.S.) And I've just had a tipoff, but enough of my problems… Now, the three-legged race. Two players was too costly…

Three-legged FREAKS stumble past.

COMMENTATOR (O.S.) Thanks to Sellafield for that… Now tennis. To save money the balls belong to the New Kids on the Block…

Close-up of a NEW KID in agony.

COMMENTATOR (O.S.) And they're still attached... Finally, swimming.

TEENAGERS paddling in a tiny blow-up pool.

COMMENTATOR (O.S.) Don't laugh, we're selling that footage to Michael Jackson... To fund the 2016 Olympics, sketched in for Milton Keynes.

EXT - A PICTURESQUE MOUNTAIN VILLAGE RESTAURANT - DAY

A group of four cyclists - ED, STEVE, PAULO and JON - are seated outside, wearing pink lycra cycling outfits bedecked with sponsors' logos. A WAITER is taking their orders.

JON
I'll have the spaghetti, please.

PAULO
Spaghetti for me too.

WAITER
(to STEVE)
Same for you sir?

STEVE nods. The WAITER turns to ED.

ED
Steak and Ale pie with chips and beans, please.

JON, PAULO and STEVE look at ED in horror. The WAITER remains poised with his pencil.

ED
Steak and Ale pie. Oh, and a side order of onion rings.

The WAITER writes down his order and moves away, shaking his head. JON, PAULO and STEVE stare at ED.

ED
(Throws hands up defensively)
Guys, I've had enough of pasta. I fancied pie and chips, so that's what I'm having.

JON
But your fitness? The team?

ED
While I'm at it, I might as well tell you now - I'll be having sticky toffee pudding for afters. With custard AND ice cream.

PAULO
But we've got bananas!

ED
You ARE bananas! Look at us! We all look like twats.

PAULO
What happened to aiming for the yellow jersey? Or King of the Mountains?

ED
Yeah, right. What sort of sport rewards a leader with something "yellow"? And don't get me started on the "Mountain King". Polka dots? You know what that says to Joe Public don't you? Timmy Mallet. Or worse, Mr Blobby.

PAULO
(angrily)
You'll end up Mr Blobby with your pie and chips!

JON
Whoa, hang on there! Let's calm it down. It's just one day out of the training schedule. One meal won't hurt, and the latest from Needles will make up any losses anyway!

JON pulls out a syringe from his bumbag.

ED
He's not called Needles!

PAULO
Yes he is. "Needles the Needleman".

ED
You know as well as I do he's called Stan. He's not "Needles the Needleman". If anything, he's Stan the Struck-off doctor. The only plausible reason for calling him Needles is because he's a prick.

JON
I know it's been a hard day Ed, but -

ED
Another thing - I'm fed up carrying all this piss round with me!

PAULO
But you need someone else's in case of the dope tests!

ED
Yes, but I'm not just carrying someone else's am I? I'm carrying everyone's else's!

ED pulls up his lycra top to reveal four transparent pouches of urine taped around his midriff, labelled ED, JON, PAULO and STEVE.

ED (CONT'D)
And Steve, I think yours is going off.

STEVE whiffs the pouch.

STEVE
Asparagus.

ED
Oh.

JON
Okay, let's cool it everyone. A bit of food, relax. We can get through this.

There is a slient grumpy agreement as all sit with arms crossed waiting for their food.

LATER - SAME SETTING

The atmosphere has changed completely. The four cyclists are in jovial mood as the WAITER clears the table.

PAULO
Nice pudding, Ed?

ED
Great man, thanks. I'm almost bursting!

JON
Glad you enjoyed it pal.

STEVE nods.

ED
Sorry about earlier guys - I was just having a bad day. That climb this morning took it out of me.

PAULO
That's ok. Let's toast to the team again!

Three glasses of water clink with a half-full pint of Guinness.

ALL
The team!

JON
Ready for the next leg?

ED nods as PAULO ruffles his hair matily.

JON, STEVE and PAULO lead off on their bikes. ED follows at a distance on a Raleigh Chopper.

END

INT. OLYMPIC STADIUM - NIGHT

Medium shot of a high jump bar. An athlete flops over the bar like they do. Another athlete does the same. A salmon flops over the bar.

PRESENTER:
On Wimbledon Today I'm talking to Vincent Barnes, who has a great chance of being the first English singles champion winner since Fred Perry.

VINNY:
Shouldn't that be First British winner ?

PRESENTER:
Only if your Scottish, Now Vinny If I may talk to you about your controversial route through to the final. Many people think there may be some sort of conspiracy to help you along the way.

VINNY:
Quite frankly I think that's ridiculous Brian. I've won through fair & square.
It's been a long old slog though.

PRESENTER:
That's not strictly the case, you've barely played a set.

VINNY:
Well I blame the rain for that.

PRESENTER:
Most of your opponenets have had to retire for one reason or another. in the first round your opponent was disqualified for bad language.

VINNY:
I believe he used a double negative, If we can't stamp that sort of thing out then what can't we not do.

PRESENTERS :
Your Next opponent forfeited when he was threatened by certain sections of the crowd, Andy Roddick was hit by a missile and in the Quarter final your opponent was shot in straight sets.

VINNY:
I just have to focus on my own game in those matchplay situations

PRESENTER:
Doesn't it bother you that your Semi Final opponent Roger Federer burst into tears and had to be led away after receiving a mobile phone call

VINNY:
It's a cauldron out there on Centre court, not many have the Conchitas for it.

PRESENTER:
And the winner of the other semi Rafael Nadal has fled to un unnamed location earlier today, and will probably forfeit..

VINNY:
Must be scared of my forehand.

PRESENTERS :
Congratulations Vinny Barnes probable winner of this years Wimbledon Championship.

VINNY:
Thanks Brian. I really think I can do it.

END

A dad is talking to his 10 year old son. They are Geordies. Camera remains focussed on their faces throughout.

Dad: Right son, this is your chance. I've had a word with ya uncle an he says he can put you on in the second half.

Son: But dad I don't like football.

Dad: I've told ya before, ya canna not like football, ya a Geordie lad. It's in the blood mun.

Son: But I like bowls. And archery.

Dad: Look son bowls is for ya grandad and archery's just posh darts. Now go over there and warm up.

Son: Fine!

We pan back and the boy struggles to role his wheelchair through the grass.

POST-MATCH INTERVIEW.

REPORTER INTERVIEWING A FOOTBALLER AFTER A MATCH.

INTERVIEWER:
So Gary it finished 1 all. Do you feel that's a fair result all things considered?

GARY:
Well I actually haven't considered all things, but of the things I have considered maybe 2 all would have been a fairer reflection.

INT:
Ok.. well you seemed to be two very evenly matched sides. Would you share that view?

GARY:
I suppose so. I mean, I felt we dominated the first half but so did they and again in the second half.

INT:
At what point did you realise it was going to end in a stalemate?

GARY:
Well for me personally I knew when the final whistle blew that that was pretty much it.

INT:
And you seemed to be up for today's game. You gave a good display in the centre of the park.

GARY:
Oh well you know, we have a great bunch of lads they always give 110% we have a great manager who prepared us well for todays game.

We were happy to come away with a draw. It's another point on the board at the end of the day.

INT:
You're definitely not our man-of-the-match but thanks for joining us anyway.

Back to you in the studio.

PRESENTER AND PUNDIT IN STUDIO.

PRESENTER:
Thanks Jim. (TURNS TO PUNDIT) What did you make of his Gary's performance?

PUNDIT:
I thought it was solid but a little patchy in places. I just picked out a clip that I feel illustrates this...

..Here we see where he's asked when he realised it would end in a stalemate.
We can quite clearly see he takes his eyes off the interviewer. He can't afford lapses in concentration like that. Having said that he's young and it's still early in the season so I think that will develop in time.

Again with the final question we see him looking away. He tries to make up for this but I feel maybe that he didn't hear the question properly and just replied with a bunch of cliched answers.
In the lower divisions you can get away with this but in the topflight all these are going to be spotted.

PRESENTER:
Thanks for that. We still have much more to come after the break. We hear from both managers and don't forget to enter our interview-of-the-month competition including this cracker..

CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH ANOTHER PLAYER.

PLAYER: ..Playing against this team is like playing chess with a duck. You know you should win but you don't know what to expect..

END.

It's between Cool Mikado and Nigel Kelly for me - both short, sweet and simple (the gags, that is). I'm going for Nigel.