Another 4laughs loser...
Dan
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TOUR GUIDE
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EXT: DAY. THE TOP DECK OF AN OPEN-TOP BUS.
A DEPRESSED TOUR GUIDE IS DESCRIBING TOURIST ATTRACTIONS.
GUIDE (SIGHS)
Welcome to the 'Happy As Larry' tours of London. I'm Peter and I'll be your guide for today.
HE MOTIONS WITH HIS RIGHT ARM TO THE FIRST ATTRACTION.
GUIDE (CONT'D)
These are the Houses of Parliament.
ALL THE TOURISTS' HEADS GAZE UPWARDS AS THEY PASS BY.
GUIDE (CONT'D)
The clock tower Big Ben is three hundred and sixteen feet high. A guaranteed height from which to kill yourself were you to throw yourself from the summit and to the concrete paving below.
ALL TOURISTS LAUGH ALONG AT FIRST. THEY STOP LAUGHING AS THEY SEE HE IS UTTERLY SERIOUS. HE POINTS OUT OTHER LANDMARKS IN THE DISTANCE.
GUIDE (CONT'D)
Other high places in London to fling yourself from are Canary Wharf, the Nat West Tower and the London Eye. (PAUSE, THEN SPITEFULLY) Though a better way in that particular case would be to trap yourself between the wheel and one of the spokes; crushing yourself incredibly painfully, realising that immense self-loathing into the physical form you deserve.
GUIDE PAUSES AND RETURNS TO NORMAL WHEN SPEAKING
GUIDE (CONT'D)
Looking to your left, you can see Buckingham Palace situated near Green Park. Other famous parks in London are St James' Park, Hyde Park and Regents Park: the home of London Zoo.
HE BECOMES MISTY-EYED AND BEGINS TO REMINISCE.
GUIDE (CONT'D)
My dog died recently, you know. He was in a lot of pain when he died...
TOURISTS (SYMPATHETICALLY. SOME SHOW MORE EMOTION)
Ah...
GUIDE (ANGRY)
He kept biting me. I had to keep stabbing him with a big knife until he stopped. (PAUSE) The bastard was just another one who never liked me.
ALL TOURISTS STARE WIDE-EYED AT GUIDE.
GUIDE
Here to the right, we can see Tower Bridge, where I proposed to my wife.
TOURISTS GIVE ROUND OF APPLAUSE. GUIDE SMILES AND NODS IN GRATITUDE. HE IS MORE ENTHUSIASTIC.
GUIDE (CONT'D)
Thank you. It was Christmas Eve. The bridge was lit up and it was snowing. I took her into my arms, looked deep into her eyes, kissed her passionately and asked her to marry me.
TOURISTS
Ah!
SUDDENLY GUIDE'S FACE TURNS VITRIOLIC.
GUIDE
And to the left is the Tower of London where the bitch left me. (PAUSE) For a Beefeater. (PAUSE) A f*cking Beefeater.
SHORT PAUSE. GUIDE RETURNS TO NORMAL AGAIN.
GUIDE
Now, we're approaching Harley Street. There, you can get treated for any psychological ailments. However depressed you are; if you think no-one loves you and you detest yourself, you go there thinking everything will be okay. (PAUSE) And then they sack you. (PAUSE) They tell you your demeanour is not conducive to dealing with patients and that you might be more depressed than the most depressed patient they've ever had. So end up having to spend your remaining days working as a guide for some shoddy tours company.
HE SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF. HE STARTS TO CRY BUT TRIES TO HOLD BACK THE TEARS. HE BEGINS TO LOSE MORE CONTROL THE MORE HE SPEAKS, THE LAST LINE BEING ALMOST INAUDIBLE DUE TO HIS SOBBING.
GUIDE (CONT'D)
Well, that concludes the tour. Don't forget to purchase your guidebooks from the driver on your way out... Waaaahhhhhhh!
HE CURLS UP IN A BALL ON THE FLOOR, WAILING LIKE A BABY.
ENDS
