Jokes

A selection of the jokes I've written, please tell me what you think.

I dumped my last girlfriend because she kept making jokes about my penis. I know now it was a stupid thing to do, dumping her over something so small.

If it takes two to Tango, how many does it take to Fanta?

I won a hands up competition hands down.

I'm thinking of inventing a plane with no wings then selling it to plane companies. I know what you're thinking; it'll never take off.

I got 12 watches for my birthday; now I have plenty of time on my hands.

In TK Maxx there's a sign above the till that says "Smart shoppers queue here" Does this mean dumb shoppers can shoplift?

Think about my penis. Go on; think long and hard.
Funny jokes about erections, I wonder if I can keep it up?

My dog went in to his kennel and he blew it up. He was a Yorkshire Terrorist.

I went in to Curries, I said, "I'm looking for a cooking product but I can't remember its name."
He said, "Microwave?"
I said, "That rings a bell"

Girls can be annoying, can't they?
"I'm sick of you peeing on the seat!
Tell me when you need to pee and we'll stop at a service station!"

They say it's the quiet ones you've to look out for. Which is why I let my loudmouth little brother play in the traffic.

I made a plan to fart; it was the only plan I followed through with.

When I'm older I'm going into web design; making houses for spiders, how hard can it be?

I saw a sign outside a hotel, it said "Book for Mother's Day" I thought what a great idea and bought her Donny Osmond's Autobiography

Shreddies are knitted by nanas; except for fruit shreddies they're knitted by ba-nanas.

If you want to have sex with someone who's on a life-support machine, the moves you can do are in the Coma-Sutra

In Hollywood, they say it's unprofessional for an actor to look at the camera during filming; that must make Frankie Muniz the worst actor in the world.

I steal urine samples; that's really taking the piss.

I went shopping on the clouds, bit of dispute over the method of paying but eventually they took a reign check.

I really love the letters I and T, I'm getting hard just thinking about it.

Someone recently made a bet with me. He betted that I couldn't masturbate so vigorously that I'd get wanker's cramp in less than 5 minutes. No one thought I could do it but I managed to pull it off.

Paraplegia runs in our family. Runs is probably not the right term to use...

I don't believe in ghosts and neither does my friend here, Heath Ledger

What do you get when you dip testicles in chocolate powder?
Coconuts

When I first saw "FTW" written on a chatroom, I thought it was a dyslexic trying to say "WTF"

Elevators: They work on so many different levels.

One of my hobbies is breaking clocks and watches; it's just one of the ways I kill time.

Lifting has always been a weakness of mine; but I'm sure I'll pick it up.

A couple asked me, "Where's the best place to go for a first date?"
I said, "Skating on a frozen river; that'll break the ice."

I went to this bar and there were piles of poo all around the counter. I said, "What are they?"
The guy said, "They're bar stools"

I want to be a floor manager. Managing a floor, how hard can it be?
Mother said it'd always be beneath me

I met this farmer and he said, "It's really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad when you've got a cow that's lactose intolerant.
I said, "Don't milk it."

I filled a cup with 1Ps and 2Ps and covered them in cream and powdered chocolate to make a copperccino

A friend told me his new house was flawless. I thought, what's he gonna walk on?

I set a gay man on fire, which created a puff of smoke
Quick-fire joke for you there

I wanted to make a chain out of the characters from the Zelda series, but I couldn't find one of them; gotta find the missing Link.

Where does Jesus catch a train when he's angry?
The Station's of The Cross.

How do you get an element's attention?
You shout, "A, U"
Come on, that's gold.

I went to a house-warming party. The house wasn't cold; so I guess the party was a success.

I knew Siamese twins who hated each other at first but they grew on each other.

Broken bottoms; they don't sit well

I had a friend who used to enter my house then lie in front of the door. I'd say, "Welcome Matt"

There's a new material to cover manholes; it's good but it's not grate

A storywriter went insane; he lost the plot.

Reversing; that takes me back

I went to a restaurant and we had a fly as a waiter. I had my meal and paid the bill leaving the waiter a bit extra; I was fined for fly tipping

My mate plays the violin and he's makes me hold up the music sheets while he plays. I'm sick of doing it; so now I'm making a stand.

When we got a new door fitted, the guy didn't take away the old door. So my family and I were deciding what we should do with it. I suggested we take it to Gollum off of Lord Of The Rings because he's always asking for Mordor.

The roofer came round to our house and said he couldn't finish the job today because he was a bit behind with his work. I said, "You're a roofer, you're supposed to be on top of your work."

I'm thinking of making a blow up sex doll in the shape of a cat. It'll have the slogan, "feels just like a real pussy."

How do you know you can trust owls?
All they say is twoo.

How does a penguin get girls?
With a p-p-p-pick up line.

Hows does an ugly penguin get girls?
Rohyp-p-p-pnol.

I hear Tim Vine when reading these, my best 2 being Reversing and Don't milk it!

Set phasers to pun!

Very Tim Vine and a couple are Milton Jones-ish - not a bad thing!

Are you planning to use these for stand-up? I think most of them would work well and a pretty sure bet laugh wise.

I went to this bar and there were piles of poo all around the counter. I said, "What are they?"
The guy said, "They're bar stools"

I saw a sign outside a hotel, it said "Book for Mother's Day" I thought what a great idea and bought her Donny Osmond's Autobiography

I set a gay man on fire, which created a puff of smoke
Quick-fire joke for you there

How do you get an element's attention?
You shout, "A, U"
Come on, that's gold.

These stood out for me.

When I first posted, I thought you were asking about jokes. Feel free to use them.

I like these jokes and they are clever but if you want to make an entire stand up routine of these I don't think it will hold up, Tim Vine somehow just about pulls it off but nowadays people want more meat on the bones when it comes to jokes.

If you looks at early Jimmy Carr and compare it to now, it has changed a lot from one liner, one liner, one liner.

Quote: Paul W @ May 8 2009, 5:17 PM BST

I like these jokes and they are clever but if you want to make an entire stand up routine of these I don't think it will hold up, Tim Vine somehow just about pulls it off but nowadays people want more meat on the bones when it comes to jokes.

If you looks at early Jimmy Carr and compare it to now, it has changed a lot from one liner, one liner, one liner.

View original

Mmm, not necessarily - Milton Jones does this sort of thing to great effect. Helps to have a few stories and call backs though...

Thanks for the feedback.

I've never considered doing stand-up, just wrote these for fun. I post them on other forums and most of them get an 'lol'... so I guess that's good. I get the occasional 'ROFL' and 'LMAO' too - sometimes I get a combination of the two.

They are great jokes, I did laugh.

I think they can work in standup, Jimmy Carr used to have only one liners but now he uses them and incorporates them into short stories.

Some good ones Yatta. My faves were the violin, gold, milk it and flawless.

Liked most of them. The ones that I can still remember and stand out are microwave (though perhaps familiar), flawless, the milking it one and gold (very clever!)

Good luck if you get a routine sorted and go for the stand-up.

Thanks for the feedback, guys.

Few more:

I went to one of Gordon Ramsay's restaurants and he gave me a meal that spelt out his name.
I said, "What's this?"
He said, "That's my signature dish"

I did a degree in ballet; I got a 2:2

I'm scared of trampolines; they make me jump.

I was lying in bed and I thought, "I gotta start telling the truth."

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ May 8 2009, 6:38 PM BST

Mmm, not necessarily - Milton Jones does this sort of thing to great effect. Helps to have a few stories and call backs though...

View original

I'm not saying you can't do well but these types of jokes aren't as popular as say 10 years ago - I mean even I have a couple of these jokes in my routine because I know they will at very least get a titter.

I'm not downing playing your jokes Yatta by the way they are still very good!

Is it true you perform naked, Paul?